This was definitly not the first time Nick had snuck off to the roof of the crime lab to get away from everything. In the past month since Greg's death, he would guess he had come up here easily 20 times, at least. And every time he made sure he had at least a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of Jack Daniel's with him. He didn't think it was a bad thing he couldn't care less if he got fired for doing this.
He tried his best not to think of what Greg would think of him doing this. He knew he'd be pissed and yell at him for being stupid and not being able to move on, but Nick didn't want to. Even if he could, which he knew he can't, he doesn't want to ever get over Greg. No matter how much thinking about him constantly hurts, he doesn't want it to ever stop so he won't ever forget about him, even though he highly doubts that could ever happen.
Nick twisted out his latest cigarette and sighed heavily. He couldn't help but think of Greg's reaction when he found out that Nick smoked. He smiled slightly when he remembered how Greg had taken the cigarette from his lips and thrown it under the porch. He didn't try to stop the sudden memory from entering his mind and seemed as though he was watching it play on a screen in front of his eyes.
Greg was worried about how things with him and Nick were going to turn out. Finally being with someone who you've had the biggest crush on for the last 6 years was the greatest thing in the world...which is why Greg was so worried. He'd never been in a serious relationship before. All of his random hook ups with girls - and guys - had ended without a goodbye or phone call after. He didn't want to mess anything up because he actually loved Nick, and if he ever hurt him he was sure it would break his own heart.
Greg idly played with Nick's fingers as he layed on his boyfriend's chest and thought about how great the last 2 months of them being together had been...and how worried he was it wasn't gonna last.
It wasn't difficult for Nick to realize that Greg wasn't as hyper and talkative as he always was. It was evident there was someting on his mind, so Nick decided to find out what was bothering him.
"What's wrong?" Nick asked as he closed his fingers around Greg's.
Greg shook his head and his soft hair tickled Nick's neck slightly. "Nothing."
"You're an awful liar Greggo." Nick said with a slight laugh.
Greg smiled, but it faded when he sighed softly. "It's nothing...just..." He craned his neck so he was looking at Nick. "I'm worried you don't know what you're getting yourself into."
"What do you mean?"
Greg shrugged. "Well...I've never been in an actual relationship...except with Ryan but that was a long time ago..." He shook his head slightly. "Do you know what you're getting yourself into?"
Nick smiled. "Yeah, actually I do."
Greg smiled slightly again. "What if this doesn't work out? What if it's all a big mistake?"
"Then it's the best mistake I've ever made." Nick kissed Greg softly. "I've never been in a relationship either...let alone with a guy. Don't worry about it G."
"I'm not worried."
Nick laughed. "Yeaaaah, okay. You're acting like a little girl."
Greg quickly shifted so he was straddling Nick's hips and when he tried to move, he pushed his shoulders down and held him there. "Pretty sad that you can easily be beat up by a little girl, huh?"
Nick gave up struggling and trying to surpress the smile tugging at his lips. "You can't beat me up."
Greg shrugged. "No..." Greg slid his hands across Nick's shoulders, resting one in the crook of his neck and threading his fingers through Nick's hair with the other. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Nick's. Nick wrapped his arms around Greg's waist and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Greg finally pulled away and smiled. "I may not be able to beat you up, but I can do that."
A few tears slid down Nick's cheeks as he remembered every little detail of that moment. He was glad he had made himself memorize how Greg felt, tasted, smelt, looked...everything about him, Nick knew by heart. He remembered everything so perfectly, he didn't want to open his eyes because he actually believed Greg might be with him right now, and openening his eyes would only destroy that hope.
Nick hates the feeling of hope. When he was in that plexiglass coffin, he had hope that he could make it out of there alive. He hoped that if he did, he would tell Greg how he felt and he hoped he would feel the same. That little feeling of hope that never left him is what kept him from pulling the trigger. Hoping that he'd be able to see Greg again saved him. And now, he wished he had just pulled the damn trigger and ended it before it had started.
Nick shook his head because he knows that's not true. The 4 years he was with Greg was the best of his life, and he would never want to erase them from his memory. Words couldn't describe how he felt when he was with Greg, and Nick's thankful he got the chance to feel that way. He just wishes it didn't have to end. Ever.
Nick opened his eyes and felt a little bit more of his heart break when he was met with the rising sun instead of Greg. He swallowd the lump in his throat that had formed because he could still see Greg, but couldn't feel him anymore.
As much as this was killing him, Nick knew he would do it all over again if he could. As much as losing Greg hurt, he would do it again if it meant he could see him one last time. If at the beginning of this Nick knew he was going to end up getting his heart shattered into a million pieces, he still would have done the same things he did without changing a thing.
Leaving his cigarette butts in a neat pile, Nick stood slowly and left the rooftop as quickly as he had come. He walked through the lab without meeting anyone elses eyes and popped his head into Grissom's office.
"Hey Griss...if you don't need me, I'm gonna leave now."
Grissom looked up from the file in front of him and nodded slowly. "Okay. I guess I'll see you in a few days...you have next shift off, right?"
"Yeah...I'll see you later."
Nick turned and left. He barely ackknowledged Warrick when he passed him the hallway just before he went through the front door to the parking lot. Warrick sighed when he smelt the familiar smell of smoke on Nick as he passed.
Nick had gotten used to his entire body shaking when he stood in front of Greg's gravestone. He barely noticed the burning of his lungs of the dizzy feeling he got as he read Greg Sanders over and over again. His knees felt like they were going to give out at any minute, but never did.
Nick shoved his hands into the pockets of his dark jeans and took a deep breath. He could hear his heart beating in his ears, but couldn't feel it. He couldn't feel the cool air around him or hear the birds chirping. He didn't even hear Warrick walk up behind him.
"Hey man, you okay?" Warrick asked.
Nick jumped and turned around. He relaxed when he saw Warrick and sighed as he shook his head. "No, I'm not."
Warrick walked up and stood to Nick's left. He looked down at the ground and was silent for a minute before quietly saying, "I'm sorry Nick."
Nick clenched his teeth and shook his head again. "Of course you are. Everyone's so fucking sorry."
"Nick, I-"
Nick cut him off. "Just stop. No matter how sorry you or anyone else is, nothing's bringing him back. Nothing you or anyone else says can change any of this."
"I know this is hard Nick." Warrick said softly.
Nick laughed sarcastically. "You have no idea. You have no idea how hard this is or how much this hurts. I constantly feel like I'm about to die, but I never do no matter how much I want to."
Warrick nodded slowly and decided it was probably a good idea to just leave Nick alone. He opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it and just walked away silently back to his car and drove off.
Nick fell back into the bench behind him that he had never noticed before. He stuck both of his hands into his hair and stared at the grass below him. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths so he wouldn't have another panic attack. He started shaking more violently, but didn't care about anything anymore.
"Ya know, I put that bench in for you."
Nick almost fell off the bench he jumped so high at the sudden voice. Why the hell is everyone sneaking up on me? He turned to his left to see who the voice had come from and frowned when he saw an older guy in grass stained jeans and a blue jacket. He was at least 50 and half of his dark hair had turned grey. Nick finally realized he must be the groundskeeper of the cemetary and figured he should probably respond.
"Oh...thanks." Not his most articulate response, but it was something.
"I've seen you here everyday for the past month and figured you needed somewhere to sit every once in a while. No one comes here as often as you." Nick smiled weakly. "Sorry...I didn't mean to intrude on you."
Nick shook his head. "No, it's okay. Please, sit." He slid over so the older man could sit next to him.
"Thanks...my name's Max." He extended his hand and Nick shook it.
"Nick." He said with a small smile.
Max looked at the gravestone in front of them and sighed sadly. "Only 31...what a shame."
Nick didn't know why, but he felt inclined to ask, "Did you dig his grave?"
Max nodded. "Yeah, I did. It was so cold that day...especially for Vegas...the ground was practically frozen. It was like I wasn't supposed to be trying to dig at all."
"You must hate your job."
Max turned and looked at Nick. "Yeah...especially when I see people like you. Actually...I've never seen anyone like you. People will come for the first week or two after a funeral...but after that, not so often. I usually have to keep the graves neat...but never this one. I see you here everyday."
"I don't know why I keep coming back...I promised him I would though."
Max shrugged. "Because you love him." Nick frowned in confusion. "I don't mean to pry, but I can tell how people are related to the deceased. Mothers and fathers are easy...siblings too. Friends come a little more often, but I can tell you love him more than that."
Nick smiled slightly. "Well...you're right. I did."
"Sucks, doesn't it?" Nick stared back blankly. "My wife died...what is it now...20 years ago. I must have been your age."
Nick nodded slightly. "I'm sorry." He said before he could even think. The words he hated, coming from his own lips.
"It's a terrible thing."
"Does it ever get any easier?" Nick asked quietly.
Max sighed and shook his head slowly. "I wish I could like to you kid...but it gets harder every day. Especially since I lost my best friend because of it too. We got in a stupid fight...just like you just did." Nick tried to swallow the bad taste he got in his mouth when he thought about how he had yelled at Warrick when he was just trying to help. "It's easy to tell you guys are best friends...you need him more than you know right now Nick."
Nick nodded. "I know...I just miss him." He said as he looked back at Greg's name carved in stone on front of him.
"I wish I could have met him...he must have been something else."
Nick smiled. "Yeah...he really was. He'd be pissed at me right now if he saw how I was acting."
Max shook his head. "No...I bet he'd understand, but try to get you to knock it off nontheless." Nick looked back over at Max. "I know it hurts kid, but don't make it harder than it has to be. Don't make the same mistakes I did of blocking everyone out and trying to drink everything away because it doesn't work. It hurts like hell, but remembering the good times helps more than you can imagine."
Nick nodded. "You're right...thanks Max."
"Don't thank me, I'm not helping much. Go to your friend's and let him help you."
Warrick sighed when he heard the quiet knock at the door. He figured it was his next door neighbor's daughter selling cookies again. That's why he was so surprised when he saw Nick standing on his front porch.
"Hey." Nick said weakly when Warrick opened the door.
"Hey."
"Look Warrick...I'm really sorry I was a jerk. I shouldn't have flipped out on you...I know you're just trying to help."
Warrick shook his head and stepped to this side to let Nick in. "Don't worry about it man...it wasn't my place."
Nick walked past Warrick and into his house. "No...it was. You're my best friend and I need you in this. I can't do this alone."
Warrick closed the door and followed Nick over to the couch and sat down next to him. "You're never alone in anything Nicky. I'm always here for you bro, no matter what."
Nick smiled and leaned back against the couch. They fell into a comfortable silence. Nick closed his eyes and said softly, "Don't let me fall asleep...I don't want to dream about him...it hurts too much."