You
Don't Hear My Name Anymore
Gin on Rangiku
He wishes they hadn't
grown up.
Set between chapter 178 (No-one Stand On The Sky) and 213 (trifle), because he doesn't appear for ages. This one kinda freaks me out. I wrote it late at night (the same as maybe three quarters of all of my stuff (I wonder why?)), then typed it up and posted it today. Yeah.
I wanted to forget you.
Still do.
But you see, the thing is, if I did there'd be nothing left that's beautiful.
I wonder sometimes, why I still care about beauty, goodness. Why I still love you. Why should I?
And I don't, but then again, I do.
It's senseless. When you play a game with lives as the pieces the last thing you want to do is start caring about the one piece that could lose you not only the game, but your life. But I still said sorry.
Sorry for what?
I really don't know.
I remember a time when I would have apologised, and meant it, and known why. But that was long ago.
And would I still remember, if I didn't remember you? You remind me of those things, even when I'd rather forget them.
Yesterday I climbed to the roof of the palace of the night, up, up, and up, seven hundred steps in the ascent. And from the white halls to the dark sky, there was no colour, and even at the top, above the clouds, even there I could not see the sun.
I had thought that if I could, maybe I would see you again.
Maybe I'm going crazy.
And then last night I dreamed of you, with the light of sunset on your hair, and you were laughing, and I when I woke my face was wet with tears.
I had forgotten I could cry.
Maybe I should have taken his advice, destroyed everything that reminded me of what I once was.
But to do so would mean destroying you, and you are the one thing I won't destroy, can't destroy, because to do so would destroy me.
So stuck in this impasse I wander through the day, keeping a smile on my face, a mask among thousands of other masks.
Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't saved you that day, had gone out in the other direction. I never would have learned that you existed. And yet I can't be sorry for it, even if it ends up killing me. Because I know that if any shinigami kills me, it will be you. You or your child captain. After all, you are the only ones with enough reason to.
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