Career Day!
Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh.
Author's Notes: I am just writing this story to take a little break in between chapters of my other main project. I got this idea a couple weeks back and it has just kept growing. Fear not, I shall be back on track with the other story soon, I just needed to change gears for a bit.
This is a piece of lighthearted insanity that has nothing to do with the events in my story Is This Love That I'm Feeling? Well, they are both Azumanga Daioh, but you know what I mean. Currently, I'm done with this at two chapters, but I could add on additional short story arcs later if I get bored.
Warnings: This chapter is rated for morbid conversation. A little swearing. Ohyama is a jerk because he is such a horn-dog. Any shoujo-ai-ness is just here for comedy, as this in not a romance story. Also rated for general naughtiness.
Chapter Two - The Grape of Wrath
Tomo was sewing during class. Normally she wouldn't even try, but the sleeve of her uniform had snagged on something and threatened to unravel. Fortunately her mother had given her a little sewing kit with a few needles and some thread to match her uniform, along with a couple spare buttons, just in case of moments like this.
It wasn't a big job, just a few quick loops and done. She would ask her mom to fix it properly when she got home tonight. As she put away her sewing kit, she couldn't help but notice her lunch box and her tummy growled at her.
Tomo quietly opened her lunch box. Her mom had packed her a pretty good sized lunch today. In addition to the regular foods, her mom always included a side compartment with some kind of tasty fruit, because Tomo loved it. Today she had provided Tomo with a decent sized bunch of red grapes, Tomo's favorite kind.
She picked a couple off and popped them discretely in her mouth. Normally eating lunch early is no problem for a third year student, but not in the middle of class. And definitely not when there are guest speakers at the school.
Currently at the front of the class was a woman in an elaborate Kabuki costume explaining her work as a stage actress. She was the mother of one of the students in class 2-1 and the teachers had invited her to visit some different classrooms. Her costume and make-up were quite lively and it was a nice break for the students from hearing about office work from Salarymen. Class 3-3 was no different, they were enjoying her presentation and the whole class clapped for her when she did a little dance for her conclusion.
Chiyo Mihama was perhaps the most excited of all. Well, maybe it would be better to say that she was making no effort at containing it. She had a huge smile and sparkling eyes and she clapped most enthusiastically.
Even Miss Yukari had been entertained by this visitor. She remained seated in her chair by the window, leaving the front of the classroom available for the guests. However, she certainly enjoyed this visit, unlike the last office-worker-drone who described his boring work while Yukari fell asleep in her chair, until her head had tipped suddenly backward to bang against the glass window.
The open-question time was also quite lively, as several students put their hands up at once. The questions ranged from education requirements to training and pay. Others wanted to know about the costumes. Yomi asked if they got to travel much and the actress was happy to answer.
"The group I work with has done some traveling. Mostly in Japan, but last spring we were invited to perform in America. I personally didn't go, but the group did perform in several cities along the Western shore of America. Six times in California, once in Seattle, Washington and two performances in Portland, Oregon. I would have liked to have gone, but myself and a few others had family obligations here at home.
"Still, most of our work is done here in Japan. Tokyo is the best place for Kabuki theater, as Tokyo is the Kabuki capital of the world."
Tomo raised her hand, "Kabuki capital of the world? What do you mean?"
She laughed and said, "Tokyo is the number one city in the world for Kabuki, in number of theaters and performances. Every aspiring Kabuki actor or actress dreams of performing on the stages of the Kabuki-za in Ginza. I myself had a very small part in a performance there as a child, in the play Yoshitsune and the Thousand Cherry Trees . But that is what I meant by 'capital of the world'. Tokyo is the city for which Kabuki is most famous; other cities are perhaps famous for other things."
She glanced at the clock. "I'm sorry but I have to go now. They are expecting me in class 3-2 and I don't want to keep them waiting. Thank you for your time everyone."
The students rose and bowed to their visitor, who returned the bow and left with a smile and a wave.
They had a few minutes before the arrival of their next guest, so Yukari stood up and stretched. Several students followed her example, glad to get out of their chairs for a break.
Also they talked about the last visitor. While all the students agreed it was very cool, none of them really saw themselves pursuing a life of Kabuki acting. Tomo declared that she would do big screen movie acting as the new rising star of Japan if her ICPO career turned out to be too much work. When Chiyo tried to explain to Tomo that any kind of acting often involved long hours and hard work, Yomi said "Don't waste your energy Chiyo-chan. It goes in one ear and out the other, only stopping long enough for her to filter out what she wants to hear."
Chiyo said, "Yomi, that's kinda harsh, don't you think? I mean, yes Tomo does get enthusiastic about some things, but..."
Yomi put her hand on Chiyo's head. "Chiyo-chan, just trust me on this. Unless you would rather see an experiment first hand?"
"What kind of experiment?"
Yomi tapped lightly on Tomo's arm to get her attention. "Hey Tomo. Did you know that when the actress Masami Nagasawa went to Okinawa to film the movie Nada Sosa , in order to get from her hotel to the shoot location, she had to climb up steep hills and jump over swarms of snakes in the water?
Tomo turned around to face her, "Free trips to Okinawa and a cushy hotel! Now that's my style of living!" she said with a thumbs-up and grin.
Looking over her shoulder at Chiyo, Yomi shrugged. "She only heard half of everything I just said. What did I tell you?" She noticed Chiyo shaking in fear. "What's the matter?"
"Did... did she really?" Chiyo asked. "Did she have live snakes near her hotel? Which hotel was that, because I don't want to go there..."
Yomi sighed. "And you only heard the other half. Oh well." She petted Chiyo's head, making the pig-tails sway from side to side. "Don't worry, I made that up. There are no snakes to worry about." But the damage had already been done.
"No, that's not true!" Chiyo insisted. "We saw snakes swimming in the river when we were on Iriomote Island! So if they can swim..."
That was when Tomo caught on to something about snakes. "Oh yes, they can swim all right. In fact, I heard about a lady in a very fancy house right here in Tokyo that had a snake swim up out her toilet! While she was sitting on it! She was screaming for the police or animal control or even the JSDF to come save her. But it was too late. It was a cobra and it had bit her on the ass before she even knew it was there. Did you know that cobra venom kills it's victims in less than a thousandth of a second?"
Chiyo was quaking in fear of the story when Yomi smacked Tomo on the head. "That is the most bullshit story I have ever heard. Snakes don't live in sewers. Besides, if a cobra bit her before she spotted it, how could she call for help? I thought you said the poison killed in a split second?"
Tomo whacked her back, "They do so live in sewers. It's a wet humid environment with plenty of food, mainly rodents, meaning rats! What do you think snakes eat, huh? Rats! So we thank the snakes for eating the rats but the price we pay is some rich lady who gets bit on the ass!"
The two girls were now growling and grabbing each others cheeks. Chiyo was sobbing about snakes in her water pipes and Sakaki came over to see what the problem was. Kagura came over too, but only to cheer on the two fighting girls. "You go! Ooo, Tomo is gonna get her this time!"
Chihiro walked up, "No chance. 1000 yen says Yomi will kick her ass."
Yukari joined in, "I'll take a piece of that. 500 on the wildcat."
"Will you give me odds?" Chihiro asked.
Miss Yukari snorted a laugh, "In your dreams, little sister. GO TOMO!"
Unfortunately for those placing bets, the fight was rudely interrupted by the arrival of their next guest. Yukari said, "Dammit, just when it was getting interesting." She whacked both girls in the head with a rolled up sheaf of papers. "No fighting in the classroom! Do you want to disgrace this noble school and bring shame to us all? Now go take your seats."
Yukari went to the front of the class to greet this fellow in a gray business suit. As the guest turned away to face Yukari, Tomo bent over to pick up her fallen book bag and Yomi saw her chance to get back at Tomo for ten years of idiocy.
"Ohyama!" she hissed. And at the exact instant he looked over, Yomi grabbed the back of Tomo's skirt and gave it a lift up as high as it would go. There was Tomo's butt, covered in a pair of pink cotton panties. Tomo jumped forward to get out of Yomi's reach and gave an angry look at her. She didn't say anything out loud though, as the class was all getting back to their seats for the presentation of this new visitor. Yomi just gave her a smug look with the light glinting off her glasses.
Tomo got in her chair quickly and glared at Yomi. Vengeance will be mine! she said with her eyes.
Miss Yukari got everyone's attention and said, "Class, I'd like you all to welcome our next guest to our homeroom. This is Oujiro Kasuga, Osaka- er I mean, Ayumu's father. He is here to tell you a little about his profession."
The students were all quite surprised to hear what Osaka's dad did for a living. He was, in fact, a mortician.
The class had a lot of questions for him as Osaka smiled proudly at her daddy. The boys had questions ranging into the morbid and Mr. Kasuga did say that his work was "never what he would describe as pleasant" but rather that it was a necessary job that needed to be done.
Which brought the class around to discussing the differences in funeral customs in Japan from other countries around the world.
Tomo raised her hand and asked, "What is the mortician capital of the world?"
Mr. Kasuga looked over at her, "Excuse me? I'm not sure I understand the question."
"Our last visitor was a Kabuki actress. She said that Tokyo was the Kabuki capital of the world because this is the city with the most theaters of this kind. So what would be the mortician capital of the world?"
"Hmmm, interesting question. I suppose it would be whatever city has the highest death rate." He paused to scratch his head, "No, that's not right. Death rate is based on a percentage. So an extremely large city like Tokyo, Hong Kong, London or New York would probably have many more deaths per year than a much smaller city with a very high death rate."
He thought about it for a moment before concluding, "I am pretty sure that no city has ever stepped forward to lay claim to the dubious honor of being the Death Capital of the World. However I am fairly certain that barring war zones, it would have to be one of the biggest cities in the world. So Tokyo is in the running I suppose. Why? Do we win a trophy if we come in first place?"
Osaka made everyone in the room laugh when she said, "Oh, I got it! If we come in first place, then for all the survivors in Tokyo on New Years Day, Miss Yukari has to buy them all juice!"
Mr. Kasuga answered a few more questions, then he thanked everyone for their time and the class rose and bowed as he left.
Miss Yukari said, "We have twenty minutes before our last guest before lunch time, so if anyone wants to use the bathroom, go ahead. Otherwise, I'll be up here testing out my new video game so don't bug me unless you know some killer cheats on Chainsaw Rampage 3000 ."
Yomi said to Osaka, "I didn't know that is what your father did for a living."
Osaka nodded. "Yep. That's why our house has a building behind it. If you come up one side of the block it's our house. On the other street it's the mortuary. They are separate buildings but on the same lot facing away from each other."
Chiyo clarified, "So... you live behind a funeral home?"
"That's why we moved to Tokyo, cuz my dad bought this business and sold his previous one. Back in Osaka, we had a little apartment on the top floor above the mortuary. I like it better with a separate house like this. Plus, we now have a little bit of our own yard," she smiled.
Kagura said, "That's kinda creepy."
"Not when you get used to it," Osaka shrugged. "It's really just like any other business. Only my parents don't have so far to go to get to work."
Yomi asked, "Both your parents work there? Is your mom a mortician too?"
Osaka shook her head. "Nuh-uh. She is called a cosmetic technician. She does make-up and stuff. That is how my parents met, over a double homicide. Kinda romantic, huh?"
"Not really..." Kagura muttered.
Sakaki said, "Wait. You said your mom does make up?"
"Yeah"
"And yesterday, you put make up on me. You said your mom lets you practice sometimes? Do you mean..."
Osaka nodded. "I just had to pretend you was dead. Suicide, I figure. But you sure looked great, didn't ya?"
Sakaki turned blue.
Suddenly not so many of the girls were eager to have Osaka do their make up today.
-
During all this, Ohyama had written a note and had it passed by a couple classmates to Tomo. It read: "Pink is my new favorite color" with a heart next to it. Tomo faced him and waded the paper up into a ball so he could see it. He still grinned at her anyway.
Tomo peeled a grape while the others were talking. Flicking little bits of grape skin onto a tissue, she pondered her revenge against Yomi. Then it hit her.
She pulled out her sewing kit and ran a needle and thread through the grape, and then back again to make a loop. She tied it off in a knot so it would be about 30 centimeters long (that's about a foot, for the Yanks). On one end of the string was the grape, on the other she tied a hair clip that she had in her desk.
Quietly, she got up from her desk and walked over to the girls. She sat on the edge of the desk behind Yomi while the brunette was talking to Chiyo. Leaning forward, she clamped the hair clip onto Yomi's collar and dropped the grape down the back of her shirt.
Yomi turned around abruptly and demanded, "What are you doing?" She squirmed a bit as she felt something on her back.
"Dammit Yomi, now I dropped it. I wanted to show it to you."
"Show me what?"
"This thing I found on the floor. I think it fell out of Osaka's dad's pocket. Now I don't know where it is." Tomo leaned in to whisper quietly, "I think it was an eyeball."
Yomi jumped out her chair with a scream, clawing at her back. Tomo stepped back and said, "Oh, don't worry so much, I am sure it was just a leftover that he didn't need anymore." That only whipped Yomi into a greater frenzy.
Several other students quickly came over to see what Yomi's problem was, but they couldn't figure it out. She was spinning in circles, grabbing at the back of her shirt and screaming. Beneath the fabric of her shirt, the grape bounced up and down on its little bungee cord, suspended from Yomi's collar.
"Get it off! Get it off of me!" she screamed, as she began tearing at her blouse. Tomo quickly stepped up.
"Here, let me help. Hey, if there is an eye inside your clothes, no telling what it's going to look at, huh?" Tomo was quickly rewarded with a horrified wail.
"Wait, I see it!" Tomo said. "Stand still! I got it!" She arced her right arm far above her head and brought it swiftly down onto Yomi's back with a resounding smack. The grape was smashed in to oblivion onto Yomi's skin. The sudden burst splattered the juice all over her back.
Yomi felt a cold trickle of fluid run down her spine and her entire body shuddered. "Nooooooooo!" She quickly whipped off her shirt and threw it onto her desk.
Tomo said, "Oh check it out. I guess it was just a grape. By the way Yomi, nice tiger-stripe bra."
-
It turns out Tomo can run pretty fast when her life depends on it.
A/N –
A foot for the Yanks: Don't take offense anybody. I am an American myself and I constantly find myself thinking in feet and inches, which doesn't work when you are writing about Japan, or frankly anywhere else on the planet. So I was taking a dig at myself and I hope any other Americans reading this take it with a sense of humor.
Well that's it for this story. I do have a couple other funny ideas bouncing around that don't fit into my main story I am writing and may or may not find their way here. So now this is out of my system I can get back to my other story and in the meanwhile, thanks for all the nice reviews. Please keep at your own stories as I have been enjoying so many of them very much!