Disclaimer: I make no claim to the series, ideas, or characters of Full Metal Panic.
Author's Notes: I absolutely cannot believe that it has taken me nearly two months to post a new chapter. I've had a major case of writer's block/laziness. Actually, I still have it, but I'm slowly overcoming it by forcing myself to write. So, I apologize ahead of time if this chapter isn't as good as the rest.
A thousand words of thanks go out to MJP for betaing this chapter and helping make it as good as it is. Same goes out to Anysia for her help too. I can't express how much I appreciate the help, you two.
I'm likewise thankful to all my readers for taking their time to read this story, and I appreciate those who have taken their time to review this story even more. As always, reviews are always appreciated.
Thank you all, and I hope you enjoy.
Defining Normalcy
Chapter 16: The Final Disposition
By Adam Lakewood
Kaname didn't know what to do.
If she knew anything, she knew that he was, in fact, Sousuke. Knowing this, she expected some sort of strange, unusual, funny, or otherwise odd response from him.
She had been ready for a number of responses, but she had not been prepared for the silence.
For some unexplainable reason, the room had grown colder. She pulled the sheet of the bed closer around her to soothe the sudden chill. She inched herself closer to the edge of the bed, away from Sousuke. For some reason, she was getting a bad vibe from him. Of the four people in the room, he was the closest, sitting hunched over on the other side of the bed. He was so close to her, but she felt as if he couldn't possibly have been further away if he were on another planet.
She saw Jin shiver and tuck her hands under her arms. It was oddly comforting to know that someone else besides her was feeling the cold chill.
She had gone to getKalinin and Jin when Sousuke's silence turned into stillness. She had told him the news with a smile on her face, and he responded properly when he went wide-eyed at the sudden realization of his new position in the world. However, it was unexpected when his eyes suddenly turned cold. He rose up without any warning as if he were some sort of robot and hunkered over the side of the bed.
She simply excused it as his way of adjusting to the surprise. She became worried though when he stayed like that for several minutes. She became severely worried when his breathing shallowed to the point of almost being nonexistent. She almost panicked and went to get Kalinin when he didn't respond to her addressing him.
Jin was with Kaname that morning when she herself found out the news, and she told Kalinin later when Sousuke and Jin went off to do something. They knew for a fact that he would be surprised when she told him the news, but it seemed to worry the both of them when she relayed his reaction.
She looked over at Kalinin, hoping he would say something to Sousuke. They had all been sitting in the room in complete silence for almost half an hour. Kaname didn't know what to do, Jin was afraid to say anything, and Kalinin had just been glaring at Sousuke's back for the entirety of the half hour.
Kaname gently rose off the bed, careful not to shake it any in the slightest for fear of disturbing the statue of a man on the other side of the bed as if he were some sort of latent gargoyle, waiting for the right moment to turn. She carefully made her way to Kalinin, treating his presence in much the same way. The intensity of his stare which hehad locked on Sousuke made her fear taking his attention away from the target of his stony glare. Almost as if Kalinin sensed her reluctance to speak to him, he immediately answered her question just like he had read her mind. His gaze did not break.
"He'll be fine, Ms. Chidori. He's just… adapting."
"Adapting?" she questioned, slightly confused by the older man's choice of words.
"Yes, that's right. He's adapting," he said with a sigh. Kalinin reached up and rubbed his temple as he maintained his gaze on Sousuke.
"Sagara's been dealt a card that he was not at all ready for, but Mr. Sagara is better than any man I know at adapting to sudden changes. Only once before have I ever saw him in a state where he was unable to quickly adapt to any change, no matter how extreme it may have been, and this is exactly what happened on that one occasion. If he is presented with something that he does not know how to instantly or quickly react to, he will do nothing until he is able to come to terms with the new change. He's currently adapting to this highly surprising news he has just found out," he explained with an oddly out of place smile gracing his face. "It's not everyday a man finds out that he's going to be a father, Ms. Chidori. This is very much a surprise to Mr. Sagara since he has probably never contemplated this path in his life." That comment actually brought a gruff chuckle out of him.
The fact that Kalinin didn't seem to be too worried brought a smile to her face when he chuckled. She nodded her head slightly in understanding before looking back at Sousuke. Kalinin made her feel a little bit better, but seeing Sousuke sitting alone, literally engulfed in darkness still made her feel uneasy.
"I'm just… concerned. I've never seen him like this before. I agree that I've never seen him totally surprised or unprepared for something, but I have seen him mildly surprised before. Every time he would react rather quickly to whatever it was. So, what is he doing right now that's so different from all those other times?"
"Hmmm. Actually, I think he's already adapted to the surprise of finding out that he's going to be a father. But, since he has never even considered what it would be like to be a father before, he's busy thinking about all of that right now. He has to completely assess the situation before he can act on it. He's probably doing the same thing I did when I received the same new so many years ago from my dear Marian."
"Marian? Who's that? Is she your wife or something?"
"She was my wife. Unfortunately, she is no longer with me."
Kaname cringed at his reply. If she had known that, she would have been less brash with her question.
"I'm sorry," Kaname said solemnly. She brushed a few strands of hair away from her face as she turned slightly away from him. "I had no idea that you were…"
"I do believe we were talking about someone else, Ms. Chidori," Kalinin quickly interrupted, not bothering to cover up the curtness of his statement.
Kaname immediately took the hint.
"Oh, okay. Well, if you believe he's doing the same thing that you did, what exactly did you do when you found out that you were going to be a father?"
"I took some time to ponder on exactly who I was," he answered, almost instinctively. "Was I capable of being a father? Was I suitable to be a father? Did I have a right to be a father? I was a soldier. I had killed many people. I had the blood of many men on my hands; I didn't know if someone like me deserved to ever be a father."
He let out a sigh before continuing.
"Sousuke Sagara is in the same shoes that I was. But, he has much more weighing on his conscience. He knows that he can relate to me on a similar path, but he also knows that he is much younger than I was when I received the news. He also knows that he has killed far more people than I ever have, so his assessment of whether he deserves to be a father or not has much more weighing against it. More than likely, he believes that he is completely unsuitable for any child. Remember also, he has already had a child before."
Kaname looked at him oddly for a moment as he stopped to let out a hoarse cough. When he looked back over at her, he saw the look on her face which told him that his previous statement had caused a bit of confusion and surprise to her. He couldn't help but laugh lightly when he realized his poor choice of words. He raised his hand in a gesture as if he was trying to calm a wild animal that was ready to attack. In all actuality, he may have feared for Sagara the wrath that would have ensured if he wasn't to clarify what he meant.
"No, no," he quickly assured. "Figuratively speaking of course."
Kaname's expression rapidly changed to one of relief. Shortly after, it donned on her as to how serious Kalinin's statement before the misunderstanding had been. She remembered all of the little bit she had managed to pry out of Sousuke during the past few months about Jahah. Kalinin's entire meaning occurred to her as she thought back on the expression that had been on Sousuke's face each time she questioned him about his 'child.' She nodded her head in understanding, notifying Kalinin that he could continue with what he was saying. He didn't hesitate to pick back up where he had left off.
"That child was killed right before his eyes; he probably can't help but feel that he has been cursed for the same thing to illogically happen again."
He cleared his throat once more. He motioned over to Sousuke as if to reinforce his point.
"We men," he said, motioning to himself as an example. "Tend to take into account unreasonable things like these no matter how logical and level-headed we are."
With that statement came a sigh. A moment of silence passed as between everyone in the room. Sousuke remained as he was, Jin didn't say anything, Kaname took the moment to take in everything he had just said, and Kalinin took the moment to think about what to say next but found himself unable to speak what he wanted as if he were deliver a speech. So, he just went with what first came to mind.
"Sagara's just got a lot to think about," he said, unintentionally dropping some of the formality from his voice. "I'd say that he's probably scanning back over his entire life to see how his past can possibly affect his future. Not only himself, but you as well as the one you're carrying."
He motioned to Kaname with his statement then lowered his hand again. I will tell you this now. For the first time in a long time, he found himself unable to come up with anything else analytical to say about the situation. So, he instead dropped all formality and went with what came to heart instead of mind.
"Sagara will probably make one of the greatest fathers. Also, I'm sure he'll make one of the greatest husbands to you whenever the two of you actually get around to discussing that," he said as he turned his gaze back to Kaname.
Kaname looked away when she felt a slight blush come to her. It surprised her since his comment seemed to come out of nowhere. It wasn't very much like Kalinin, so she wasn't really expecting a comment like that. She smiled lightly and scratched the side of her head, feeling a slight embarrassment from Kalinin's statement.
Kalinin smiled and let out a soft chuckle when he saw her reaction. He couldn't help but remember when he was that age, and it brought back some pleasant memories. Kaname and Sousuke reminded him so much of how he and Marian had been so many years ago when they first met. His smile dropped and he let out a sigh. He didn't really much want to think about that at the moment. However, he couldn't help it since Sousuke reminded him so much of himself. Kalinin looked back over at Sousuke and could have sworn that for a second… he saw himself sitting there.
"The funny thing is that he will be the last to realize that long after everyone else has."
Jin nodded her head, not saying a word but understanding completely as she listened on in silence. A few minutes more of complete silence passed before Kaname spoke again after pondering on Kalinin's words.
"It… sounds like you know exactly what he's going through. Should Jin and I… leave so that way you may have a talk alone with him?"
"No." Kalinin's reply came immediately. "That is the worst thing you could do. When Sagara gets done contemplating, he'll need you more than ever." Kalinin let out another gruff chuckle before continuing. "He's not saying anything now, but you'll probably not be able to get him to stop talking here in just a few minutes."
"This is one of those times when I wish you would talk about me behind my back. It's quite embarrassing when I can hear what's being said about me," said the voice that none of them had heard for what seemed like a lifetime.
Everyone turned a surprised look toward Sousuke when he actually spoke.
"Well, glad to see that you're actually back with us, Mr. Sagara. That was quicker than I expected." He chuckled once again. "I actually thought that you would-" he said before he was bluntly interrupted by Sousuke.
"Do not speak as if you know me so well. You're a fool if you think you know me well enough to predict me like you claim. We have similarities, but it stops there. We are nothing alike. So, do not compare me as if I were you. I will not have it."
Kalinin wouldn't have expected a reply like that from him and found himself unable to respond in the way he wished. He wanted to reply back just as rude with an assuring retaliation before he realized exactly what he had said that pressed Sagara's buttons so hard. He didn't exactly like the way his young friend was thinking and would not have hesitated to put him in his place with a philosophical reply if he hadn't decide to heed to young man's… warning. However, he did understand the meaning behind his agitation.
"You're right. It was completely uncalled for me to say that. I will never make such an assumption again," Kalinin replied, eying him suspiciously.
Kaname and Jin both gave each other a confused glance. They had never heard Sousuke say something which sounded so rude to Kalinin. They were just as confused that Kalinin was actually apologizing for something which he didn't need to. She could understand why Sousuke may have been feeling… irritable, but it still ticked her off to hear him speak to Mr. Kalinin as he had.
"Hey! Hold on a minute! Sousuke, I know you're excited, maybe even confused, but Mr. Kalinin was only…" Kaname said before she was quickly interrupted by Kalinin.
"Stop, Ms. Chidori," he commanded. "He was not saying he was better than me. It was actually the complete opposite," he said in a quiet voice.
Kaname stopped for a moment to ponder what exactly was said between the two before.
"Oh, I see."
Another bout of silence passed without anyone saying anything before Kalinin rose from his seat.
"Perhaps it would be better if Jin and I were to-" Kalinin started to suggest before Sousuke sharply responded in his interruption.
"Yes."
Kalinin leaned over the chair Jin was sitting in and placed a hand on her shoulder. She jumped in surprise to his touch before quickly turning around to look at him. Kalinin smiled in a way that was completely unique to all who knew him.
"Let's go have some coffee, Ms. Lain. There's a coffee shop down the street which, if I recall, serves a pretty good cup," he suggested, letting the second stage of his statement go unstated.
Jin turned a confused look toward him, then to Kaname, and finally to Sousuke's frozen form on the far side of the bed. Kaname smiled weakly and nodded her head. Jin looked back at Sousuke as she rose from her seat and waved bye to him despite the fact that his back was still turned to everyone. It didn't matter; everyone knew he had to have eyes in the back of his head.
"Mr. Kalinin and I are going to get some coffee, Sousuke," she said, waiting for some sort of answer.
Silence.
Everyone looked at each other, not entire able to hide their worry from one another. Jin decided it would be best to address her friend again.
"Would you like me to bring you one of those muffins you seemed to like so good?"
There was a long silence before Sousuke finally replied, actually sounding like himself. It took quite a bit of willpower for everyone to stop from letting out a sigh of relief.
"Yes, thank you. That sounds nice."
Well, it wasn't exactly normal for him, but it was a start.
Jin smiled in response to his answer. She couldn't exactly explain why she felt relieved that she got a response out of him. He was Sousuke, after all. It wasn't really like anything could faze him for long.
Jin nodded as she turned around and headed for the front door of the motel room. Kalinin held the door open and politely motioned out into the hallway. Jin hesitated for a moment before stepping a foot out into the hallway. She leaned back inside the doorway and stared over to where Sousuke was sitting, still on the edge of his bed.
"Sousuke… I…" she said, not entirely able to find the words she wanted to say.
She gave up on it when she got no reply from Sousuke. Usually, he knew her well enough to end up finishing his sentences for her. He always seemed to know what she was thinking or trying to express even when she didn't. His not responding was sign enough that he wanted to be alone with Kaname. Jin nodded her head and stepped out into the hallway with a satisfactory smile on her face. Kalinin nodded his head politely to Kaname as he exited the room and closed the door behind him.
The door didn't even get entirely closed before Jin pushed it back open. She leaned her head back in the doorway to look at Sousuke. She had a rather confused and even embarrassed look on her face. She opened her mouth to say something, but no words came. She tried again.
"Sousuke?"
"Hm?" was his only reply.
"I… uh.. well, I…" she said, once again lost for words. She took in a deep breath long enough to figure out exactly what she wanted, no, needed to tell him.
"Congratulations, Sousuke."
She could have sworn she saw him shiver at her words almost as if he were just reminded as to what those words implied.
"I know that you'll… I mean, I know that… I…"
Jin looked away for a moment. She brought her hand up to her mouth and began nervously chewing on her thumbnail. Kalinin nodded his head approvingly. She looked between him and Kaname with an expression that made it seem as if she was having to fight back tear. Kalinin rested his hand on her shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. She sniffed once and cleared her throat. The words were simple, but she needed to hurry up and say them before her voice started to crack on her.
"I couldn't ask for a better brother than you, Sousuke. I can't begin to imagine how great of a dad you'll be."
Jin's simple comment seemed to say what everyone else wanted to. The few words spoke the epic story that everyone in the room knew which was also implied in her statement. Kaname and Kalinin both smiled upon hearing the words. If Sousuke had not been sitting with his back facing them…
… They would have seen his smile, too.
Jin stood for a while in the silence that passed, pondering whether she had said the right thing. Her frown lifted into a bright smile when she heard his quiet reply.
"Thank you, Jin," he whispered.
He could have spoke for hours and it all would have meant and implied the same thing as those three words. Jin knew this, so did everyone else.
Jin turned around soon after he replied and flashed a smile at his back and gave him a thumbs-up.
"Hey, it's not a problem, right, Sousuke?"
"It is not a problem," he said, almost sounding humored.
He replied with a half-hearted thumbs-up of his own without turning away to face her. She knew he had eyes in the back of his head.
Kalinin let out a hoarse cough, signifying that he needed to give his input.
"I'll add to that, Mr. Sagara. And,I'll leave it at this: If my son had lived past being an infant," he said, pausing for a moment. "I would pray that he was like you."
He paused again, obviously having a hard time finishing what he was wanting to say. He sighed before forcing himself to finish what he had initially planned on saying. He found that the words came harder to him than he had originally expected, however.
"I believe you'll make a far better father… and husband… than I ever could.
With that, the room feel silent.
"Is that so?" Sousuke inquired, sounding rather unconvinced.
Kalinin cleared his throat again.
"Yes, it is so."
The mission's description scrolled through his mind as it did on his laptop while he was aboard the plane. He was happy for Sagara, but his happiness couldn't have come at a worse time. Considering all Sousuke had been through and now with his sudden great news of life, he felt deeply sorry for him for what was about to happen. It was déjà vu. It was just like what had happened with Marian and his own son.
He quickly pushed those thoughts from his mind. The world was at stake here. If he had to make sacrifices in order to have a chance at saving it, he would without hesitation. … That's what Marian would have wanted.
"You have everything you've ever wanted, Sousuke."
Kaname and Jin turned a surprised look toward Kalinin and then to Sousuke, half expecting some sort of reaction out of him since that was the first time they had ever heard Kalinin call Sousuke by his first name. One of the two women would have commented on the rare event if Kalinin's locked stare he had on Sousuke wasn't so stern. Kaname slowed her breathing, as she could have sworn that the air had grown thicker all of the sudden.
"You have an incredible woman who loves you dearly; you have a younger sister who cares the world about you, you have an old man who would be proud to call you 'son,' and you have a child waiting to be born. You have a family, Sousuke Sagara. You have a family that any man would envy."
After that statement, a great formality formed in his voice as he locked an intense gaze on his young friend. "Notice this tonight of all nights and from now on. One cannot guarantee the future. They may not be here tomorrow; there is no guarantee. And, you should know more than anyone: you truly do not know what you have until it is gone. I would quote Gandhi, but I really do not see the need."
Everyone was silent for the longest after hearing Kalinin's words. They actually chilled everyone to the bone, including himself. It wasn't like he was lecturing; it was as if he was foretelling the future. The way he said those words was almost terrifying. Kalinin would have gasped at what he had just said if it wasn't for the fact that he had already brought enough attention upon himself. Sagara was smart. Perhaps he had said too much already. It didn't matter, though. Drastic times will certainly call for drastic measures. This was a universal law. Sagara was smart.
"Is that so?" Sousuke repeated his previous question that was said in a way that Kalinin could tell that his friend might have picked up on more than he was originally supposed to.
It didn't matter. He and Sagara both knew several of the current circumstances that the world was under, even though neither dared to talk about it for fear of what memories may resurface in the younger of the two. There was no way Sagara could have known what Mithril was planning, but he did know what was going on in the world; he understood that Mithril would intervene sooner or later, and he knew of Mithril's methods all too well. But, he knew how to prioritize above all else. Sagara was smart.
The smartest man he knew.
"I'm going outside for a moment," Sousuke said as he got up from his position on the side of the bed.
Heads turned and heads watched as he made his way across the room to the sliding door leading out onto the balcony. No one particularly liked the way he said that.
Kalinin nodded to Kaname as he and Jin left the room and closed the door behind him. Kaname didn't hesitate long before she got up to follow Sousuke. It was dark out, and neither she nor Sousuke could see anything outside as they approached. By the time she was near the door, Sousuke had already pulled it slid it open.
Kaname actually shielded her face as a strong gust of wind blew in with a loud howl through the open door. The loud hiss of the rain and the rumbling of the steady thunder accompanied the noise of its fellow wind. A slight mist made its way through the door due to strong current, making the air seem moist all around.
As soon as it had started, it stopped. The sound of the sliding door ended what seemed to be a calamitous storm. All cold was gone, all wind was gone, all rain was gone, all sound was gone, and as if he was carried away by the storm, Sousuke was gone as well.
No one knew when it had started raining.
TO BE CONTINUED
Author's Notes: By all means, please hold your fire. I know; there wasn't really much of anything accomplished in this chapter. Trust me, however, because it does have it's purpose. This chapter, I believe, accomplishes its intended emphasis and also sets up for the very important next chapter. I'll definitely try my best to have the next chapter out much sooner than this one was. Thank you for reading, and I hope you all enjoyed.