A LIFE TORN

Chapter 2: Unraveling the Past

Some days after his fall from the ledge, Ulysses Feral blinked awake and studied his surroundings. He wasn't in his apartment bedroom, he noticed first. The room he was in was padded wall to wall and floor. He was laying on the floor dressed in a loose outfit of blue. He pushed himself up to a sitting position. He knew exactly where he was but instead of being angry he felt nothing. That was even scarier. He sat silently trying to process everything logically.

Point one, he'd failed again. Point two, someone had rescued him. Point three, he had been brought to Megakat General and was now in its psychiatric ward. Point four, he felt numb, sort of like a computer with no emotions. He couldn't feel anger or panic or fear...nothing.

The door to his cell opened. He looked up but didn't react to the entry of a quiet Himalayan male who walked closer to him and nodded to someone outside to close the door. It closed with a muffled thump. The doctor, he was certain that was who it was, dropped to a seated position and eyed him calmly.

"Hello, Commander. I'm Dr. Woodard. I'm in charge of your care. How are you feeling?" He asked.

Feral just stared at the doctor for a long moment. The doctor stared back quietly, patiently waiting for Feral to be willing to speak.

"I don't know. I'm empty of all emotions right now. I should be feeling angry or upset in some way but I feel nothing." He said in a flat voice.

"That's not surprising. We had to use some very potent antidepressants on you to get you to respond even this much. It has the tendency to deaden feelings. Don't let it disturb you. It's better that you don't feel anything yet. It will help you stay calm as we talk about your past and what it is you've been hiding from yourself. Whatever it is has nearly taken your life. I can help you. Drawing the episode out of the dark will help you face it and conquer it so it can no longer hurt you." Dr. Woodard said gently.

Again, Feral sat silent and said nothing. "I've spoken to your family and I'd like to ask you about an incident that happened to you when you were sixteen. You told your family you were beaten by a group of thugs. Was that all that happened?" Dr. Woodard asked watching for any reaction from Feral.

Feral froze and nearly stopped breathing. 'Why would he ask that. No won't talk about it. It's over and done with... not important now.' His mind gibbered to itself, retreating frantically. He began scooting away slowly toward a wall feeling trapped.

Dr. Woodard was not happy but not surprised at the sudden retreat he saw in Feral's eyes and posture. "Alright, take it easy. This subject is obviously the root of your problem but we'll let it be for now. Are you willing to talk about your attempts at suicide?" Dr. Woodard ask gently trying to guide Feral away from the painful memory to the most recent incident.

Unfortunately, the response was the same...retreat. Sighing, Dr. Woodard climbed to his feet and went to the door and signaled it to be opened. Looking back at his patient who was now tightly curled into a ball in the corner he said quietly, "Rest Commander, we'll talk more later."

Outside the patient's room, Dr. Woodard turned to a nurse waiting nearby. "Give him a half dosage of the hydroxyzine and monitor him for nightmares. His problem is deeply buried and its going to be really messy getting it out. I'm putting a tentative diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in his chart."

"He's tried to end his life four times, Dr. Woodard. I would suspect the trauma was one of the really bad ones." She said sadly.

"I'm afraid you may be right, Lolita. He's also a very strong individual with an indomitable will. He's going to be a very tough nut to crack and even harder to cure." Dr. Woodard sighed worriedly. He needed more information on Feral's past and his patient would not be very forthcoming. He had only one option.

The next day he contacted Feral's niece. Felina came to see him in his office later that day.

"Thank you for coming to see me, Lt." Dr. Woodard said warmly gesturing her to sit as he took a seat next to her.

"If it will help my uncle, I'm happy to do whatever I can for you, doctor." Felina said firmly.

"Your uncle obviously suffered much more than a simple beating, Lt., but he only retreats more when I try to get him to open up about it. My only option now is to see if we can find out what happened that day. I know it's a lot to ask when the incident is so very long ago, but I'm at a loss at what else to do. Other methods are much harsher and don't have a guarantee they'll work and could do more harm. I need something to pry open Feral's shell with or he'll remained locked up inside his head for life." Dr. Woodard said in concern.

"You're right about it being difficult. Trying to find out information that old will be almost impossible but I'll give it a try. I have my sources. I'll get right on it. The Deputy Mayor may even have sources I don't. Either way we'll do our best. I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Felina said as she rose to leave.

"Thank you, Lt. I wish you good luck in your search." Dr. Woodard said as he saw her out.

To her surprise, working together with Ms. Briggs they did indeed manage to find out more than they had expected. What they had uncovered had left them shaken badly but it explained so very much. She found out her uncle had been gang raped, the beating was totally incidental and happened only to restrain the frantic teen from escaping their clutches until they were done. Most of the gang were dead now but they had found two still alive and serving life sentences at Alkatraz Prison. With this information, Dr. Woodard was finally able to proceed with Feral's treatment. Feral didn't make it easy though. He fought every inch of the way.

It took a week to coax the Commander to admit the problem was the gang rape and his trying to bury it in his mind, another week to get him to talk about it. Once that bridge had been reached the nightmares and flashbacks began in earnest and were very brutal. He lost count of the number of times he woke screaming and fighting, the number of times he was drugged to allow him much needed sleep.

He really didn't know how much time had passed. The drug for his PTSD had been reduced so he could feel again but muted. It still felt strange, sort of like being in a bubble but Dr. Woodard said he needed the protection from the power his trauma could still hold over him. He was finally permitted to leave the hospital but had to return twice weekly for therapy. His therapist was a gentle female named Katrina Smoothstone. Her non-judgmental manner and way of letting him talk without interruption made it easier for him to feel comfortable with her even when discussing very personal matters.

Returning to work after being gone more than two months was a little intimidating until he was told that no one knew what he had been hospitalized for except for a tiny handful of kats. He was very grateful for that and went back to work with a calmer mind. He quickly brought himself up to date, thanked his second for his able management of the Chief Enforcement Office in his absence and was able to face Felina despite her knowing what had happened to him. His talk with Ms. Briggs was a little more strained. She came to talk to him when he'd been back a few days.

"Hello, Commander. It's good to see you back." Callie said in real relief. He looked much better now than when she'd last seen him.

"Thank you, Ms. Briggs." He said uncomfortably. He didn't really know what to say to her.

"I'm sorry Commander, I'm making you a little uneasy. Please, it's alright. I've told no one what Felina and I found out except your doctor. The Mayor knows you are being treated for PTSD and that is all he knows about it and I intend to keep it that way. You are seeing a therapist right now, correct?" She asked quietly.

"Yes. I see her twice a week and they have me on a mild antidepressant." Feral said relieved at her discretion on his behalf.

"Good. You look much better. That's all I really wanted to say and to assure you that we are all glad to see you back." Callie smiled warmly preparing to leave.

"Ms. Briggs?" Feral stopped her.

"Yes, Commander?" Callie asked turning back to him.

"The SWAT Kats...I heard they were involved...could you tell me what happened that day I...you know?" He asked nervously not able to look at her directly.

Understanding but not really happy to talk about that terrible day, she gave the facts bluntly without embellishment to make it easier for him. "On the day in question, the SWAT Kats came to me. They were upset. Apparently, Razor recognized the symptoms you displayed and surmised you might try again. They needed me to tell them where you lived and I decided to go with them. I'd hoped to be able to get you to listen to me. When we got to your apartment, Razor's instruments showed you were already on the ledge outside your apartment window. They were afraid to try and pluck you off so I volunteered to try and get you back inside. Unfortunately, you were no longer hearing anyone. You dropped a bottle to the ground and watched it smash and then leaned off to follow it. The SWAT Kats caught you in a net. You weren't conscious when we took you to the hospital. I contacted Felina and spoke to her in private. We didn't use radios or phones so that your privacy would be kept. It was Felina who notified your second and I notified the Mayor. We tried to keep the number of kats who knew the true circumstances about your condition to a minimum." She finished quietly.

Feral's mouth had gone dry at her description of his behavior. His stomach clenched and his breathing quickened.

Callie noticed that Feral had gone quite pale. "Commander, are you alright?" She asked worried.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he answered hoarsely, "I'll be alright. I just have to get past the reason I did it." He said carefully.

"I understand. Take all the time you need. I'll leave you to get back to work." She smiled encouragingly at him as she turned and left.

He dashed to the bathroom as soon as she was gone and threw up. Trembling with reaction, he washed out his mouth and splashed water on his face. He stood there a moment letting the water drip from his fur as he hung his head. He had the SWAT Kats to thank for his life. He didn't know if he should be grateful or angry. It exhausted him to even think about it now. Katrina had warned him that his worst habit was burying his emotional problems rather than deal with them head on. She was trying to retrain him to accept that he had emotions and how to deal with them. Sighing he dried his face and returned to his desk. He would discuss with Katrina on how best to deal with the SWAT Kats.

Two days later...evening time...a gay club on the lower eastside of town...

He looked around nervously. He didn't really want to be here. The club was recommended by Katrina as a good place to meet others like himself. Another problem of his was isolating himself due to his sexual preference. He'd firmly denied he was gay despite the fact he very much was so this was her way to get him to accept himself. Surrounded by males only made him tense but he promised himself he would stay for at least an hour before ducking out. He really didn't think he could handle any longer than that.

Watching the big tom from across the room, Forry could see the poor guy was nervous. He was handsome and powerfully built but he really wasn't Forry's type but something about this guy attracted him. Making a decision, he wandered over to the dark tom.

"Hello, my names Forry. I've never seen you here before." Forry asked smiling warmly.

The tom turned toward him and Forry gasped. He knew this face. The huge kat eyed him warily but answered gruffly, "Never been here before. Thought I check it out."

Forry almost couldn't get his voice to work. This was Commander Feral, he was sure of it. He'd seen him around the court house often. What was he doing here? He never dreamed he was gay. Realizing he was just staring at Feral, he swallowed and said quickly, "I'm surprised to see you here. I recognize you from work. Never thought you were gay though. It's a pleasant surprise." He laughed nervously.

Feral started in surprise, "You know me? I don't think we've ever met before. Where do you work?"

"Oh, I didn't mean we've met formally. I've just seen you around the court house. I'm a lawyer." Forry said.

"Oh, okay that makes sense. What kind are you?" Feral said a bit surprised at learning the first gay he meets is a lawyer.

"I handle gay rights issues, do pro bono work for the Gay Rights Coalition, and act as an advocate for those charged with a crime who are gay." Forry said matter-of-factly.

"Impressive. Must keep you very busy?" Feral said fascinated in spite of himself. This kat was kind of nice and had a pleasant scent. He wasn't hard on the eyes either. He only stood about five ten, two hundred thirty pounds, and was an interesting brown tabby color with black stripes and copper eyes. He was wearing a nice pair of dark blue slacks, a powder blue dress shirt opened at the throat, and a worn pair of brown loafers. As they chatted, Feral found himself relaxing in Forry's company.

Smiling back, Forry answered, "It does a bit. Not nearly as busy as you though. I always thought you very brave. Your job is so very dangerous."

"It can be but it's just a job like any other. We both can get smacked and be given the evil eye equally by an irate customer who didn't like the way we treated them, especially lawyers. " Feral found himself making a joke and pleased when Forry chuckled. It made him feel warm inside. For the next couple of hours they chatted amiably about their jobs and other subjects that they shared an interest in. Before he knew it they were trading phone numbers and promising to get together again soon. Leaving for home he felt happier than he could ever remember. It seemed Katrina had been right, he had needed to get out and meet others and was pleased at his success on his first attempt.

Over the next few weeks, he'd been able to meet with Forry at least once each week and met occasionally for lunch when they were both at court. He really liked the tabby and the feeling was mutual. They hadn't crossed the sexual barrier yet and he was grateful that Forry was in no hurry to. He wanted to be very comfortable with Forry before they did that. He wasn't sure if he should inform his friend of his problems or not say anything. Not sure what to do he asked Katrina's advice on his next appointment.

"Are you lovers?" Katrina asked at their next session.

"No not yet. We're just good friends. I feel very comfortable in his company." Feral said. "He's a good listener and I can blow off steam and he doesn't get angry with me. I'm even able to do the same for him." He said proudly.

Katrina smiled at that, "You have a right to feel proud about that accomplishment, Ulysses. You've come a long way. Forry sounds like a good match for you. As in any relationship, secrets can have a way of ruining it. Professional secrets are a different matter. You both have secrets that the other has no business knowing and have no reason to feel guilty about keeping. However, your PTSD is something you should tell Forry about. You don't have to tell him about the reason it happened unless you choose to but he does need to know that you do have a problem dealing with emotions. If and when you do become lovers the nightmares may appear while you are with him. You won't know until it happens how he will react but if you prepare him he might surprise you and perhaps provide you the comfort you need at those times of serious stress." Katrina told him seriously.

"Okay, I'll think about it. We are still very new to each other and I don't want to scare him off until we've had more time with each other." Feral said quietly.

"Ulysses, we haven't covered this yet but maybe this is the time. Are you afraid to be intimate with Forry?" She asked carefully. This was treacherous ground and needed to be handled with great care.

Startled by the question, Feral had to think about it for minute. He did feel an attraction to Forry and they had kissed a few times now. He really hadn't thought too much about the physical stuff as yet. "I don't know. I don't have any problem with him kissing me and I do feel attracted to him. I just don't know about the rest." He said honestly.

"So far that sounds very promising. What happened to you was not love making but brutal rape. When you experience what is supposed to be the greatest expression of love two kats can have for each other you will know the difference and be able to act accordingly. For now just let things happen as they will." Katrina smiled encouragingly. He felt pretty good at the end of the session.

Things seem to be looking up for him at last.