Chapter 3 Fool for thinking
Stevie looked away. This was getting too much for her. Alex sensed it and took his fingers of her face. What was he doing anyway? He saw another tear running down her face and he didn't really know why it was there. He didn't know anything at the moment. He sat back, leaning against his car. Their eyes met again, and Stevie tried to show a soft smile. The last thing she wanted to do was confuse him even more.
He tried to talk; he wanted her to know what happened. 'I ... Fiona ...' His voice trembled when he said her name. 'Fi ... she lied ... she never been ...'. He bitted his lip, hearing himself say the truth, was something he couldn't. He looked at her again, shivering, quickly weeping away the salt wetness on his cheek. 'She ...', he tried again, but the words couldn't leave his mouth. Stevie couldn't stand seeing him like this. He lay his head on her shoulder again. In the hope it would make him find words. But again he failed. 'It's ok ... I know'. Alex moved up a bit, and looked at her.
I've been waiting for you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay
'You know?' All of a sudden Stevie realized what she just had said, and it frightened her. 'You know?' Alex asked again. He hoped she would tell him that somehow she had just heard it and had left to find him, but the silence remained, and he knew that wasn't the case. 'You knew!' His voice changed, his eyes, his expression. Stevie could only bit her lip; she couldn't say a thing, not a single thing that would change this. He could see it in her eyes and he moved back immediately. He felt anger taking over the grief. 'Go away!'.
The way he said it startled her. 'Alex ...' She could see the anger in his eyes, he breathed heavy. 'Go!' She stood up, and looked at him again. 'I'm so sorry, I ... I tried to tell you.' Her eyes were filled with tears; the sadness was painted on her face. 'You knew this all the time!' He looked at her furious. Stevie stood there helpless, taking another step backwards, but she didn't want to leave him. She wanted to explain, but he didn't let her. He looked down, enraged, hoping if he would ignore her she would leave. That was it, the only one that was left, had betrayed him too.
She watched him. 'Alex ... if you need someone ...' But before she could finish her sentence he looked up at her fiery.
Left broken empty in despair
Wanna breathe can't find air
Thought you were sent from up above
But you and me never had love
'The one I need is dead!'. He yelled it at her, and threw one of the empty beer cans. Tears were streaming down her face and she ran to her car. She couldn't even remember how she got away, she just did.
So much more I have to say
Help me find a way
When Stevie finally got to Drovers, her face was still red. She could hardly stop crying. Quickly she went inside, hoping the girls or Riley wouldn't be there. But Jodi, Kate and Regan were sitting along the kitchen table. It seemed like they had waited for her to come home. Her hand was covering her face, trying to brush away the tears. Trying not to show it. They stared at her. 'Stevie, you're ok?' Jodi asked. 'I'm going to my room'. And she left the kitchen. She heard Regan call her name. 'What's going on?' Jodi asked looking at Regan. 'Just give her some time.' 'What's really going on?' Jodi repeated.
Kate and Jodi looked questioned at Regan and she knew she had to tell them something. She thought for a moment. 'She probably found Alex'. Of course this didn't helped the girls any further. She took a deep breath. 'Fiona faked the pregnancy and he found out.' 'What?' Kate asked in disbelieve. 'Why on earth?' 'She panicked', Regan said quickly. 'You knew?' 'Yeah Stevie and I knew'. She looked away cause she felt shame, shame that she had knew this all along.
'How?' Was their next question, but Riley interrupted them. He had just walked in. 'Hey ladies, I see Stevie's Ute, she's back?' When the girls looked at him, he knew there was something wrong. 'Is she ok?' Regan gave him a stare. 'Uhm she will be.' 'Oh cause I still needed to talk to her about the training session for tomorrow ...' The girls looked at each other. They didn't wanted to tell him anything, cause he didn't knew a thing about Alex. He probably had seen him only once. Than Jodi decided to clear her throat. 'We'll tell her. She'll probably gets back on that one tomorrow'. The way the girls looked at Riley, told him he had to leave and not to ask any more questions. It made him worry about her. He had hardly seen Stevie after they'd kissed and he had no clue where they were standing at all. And now this. Why didn't anyone told him what was really going on?
It was getting late and Fiona was still at Killarney. She didn't dare to call Drovers. She hadn't wanted to do it in the first place, but she was desperate. He had left the house so quickly that she didn't have a chance to explain. She hoped he would come back, but she was afraid that she'd lost him for good or that she had pushed him right into Stevie's arms. Maybe that was even her biggest fear. She knew that Stevie was in love with him. Though Alex only saw her as his best mate, sometimes Fiona thought there was more. He always wanted her around, he did everything for her ...
He wanted to have a talk when her mother was visiting and he had been with Stevie the whole night. And than she had told him she was pregnant. Oh, how desperate she had been. She didn't want to, it just happened. Just like the miscarriage she faked. What else could she do? She was in it too deep.
She heard the door and with a shock she sat right up in the couch. Was that Alex? She stood up when she saw him enter the living room. 'Alex!' He didn't look at her. He had hoped she wouldn't be here, and intended just to get some stuff. 'You're back!' There was some hope in her voice. He rushed to the cupboard. 'Please, Alex let me explain', Fiona tried to move closer to him. 'I'm so sorry, I didn't wanted this to happen. I didn't want to lie. You have to believe me.' Her words reached his ears, but he tried to ignore them.
Alex opened one of the drawers, took his passport, some papers and money. Opening the next drawer he saw a picture lying on top of a pile of papers. It was a picture taken in Melbourne, years ago ... him, Claire, holding little Charlotte. He had felt a sting right through his heart. It was his first family he lost, and now he was loosing his second.
He could feel her hand grabbing his arm. Begging for attention, but he just stared at the picture. Although he hadn't the intention to talk to her, he now couldn't resist asking. In one move he looked straight at her, right into her blue eyes, soaked with tears. It scared her for a moment. 'Why did you lied about something I so badly wanted!' A family, children ... 'I ... I ...', she could feel her body shake, how could she say this, '... I thought I would loose you. I didn't wanted to, really.' It had enraged him. How on earth could she have thought lies would make him stay?
'I was so scared ...', Fiona uttered. She could see in his eyes that her words hadn't any positive effect at all. ' ... Have it ever occurred to you that I just love you. That we could have worked things out!' It made her cry even more. She hadn't trust him, she still wasn't sure she could trust him. 'I just ... I can't give you what you want, I can't give you a family!' It was so hard for Alex to hear it. He so wanted to believe it didn't have changed a thing if she had just told him, but becoming a dad was something he longed for. Maybe it had, anything better than finding it out like this. He looked away again, into the drawer. Taking out the picture and wanted to walk away, but she followed him.
Why do you play me like a game?
Always someone else to blame
Careless, helpless woman
Someday you might understand
There's not much more to say
But I hope you find a way
In a final attempt to let him stay Fiona grabbed his arm again. 'She knew it, she didn't told you either.' She knew this was low, but she was desperate, again. He just had to know that Stevie had known it all along. 'Even before our wedding'. Alex had stopped for a moment, but he didn't thought she was worth a look. He tried to get rid of her holding him, almost reaching the front door of Killarney. 'Please, Alex, don't go!', she screamed. He swung his arm and the power had thrown her to the ground. The result had shocked both of them, but he couldn't be here any second longer.
She lay on the ground, crying full tears and saw him leave. The door was wide open and he stepped into his Ute, driving away for the second time.
Still I wonder if you know how it really feels
To be left outside alone when it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know just how it feels to be left outside alone
Anastacia - Left outside alone