Chapter 16 Away from Killarney

In the middle of the night I awoke and within a second it got through to me. I realized what I had done and with a bit of fright I looked beside me, but she wasn't there. The bed was empty. I remember like it was yesterday. I got up and grabbed some clothes, mumbling 'shit' for more than once. I stared through the window and there was no sign of Fi's blue Ute.

So I made my way downstairs and called her name, but still no sign. She was gone and somehow I was relieved. A note on the table had caught my attention; an address, a phone number, if I wanted to contact her. That was all there was left of her. I kicked against the kitchen door, just to get my frustration out of me. I've been fooled, not ones, not twice ... I swept away a glass of the kitchen table, broken into pieces shattered across the floor. I sat down and simply cried.

The only thing I could think of was getting away from here, away from Killarney. Like it was poisoning my mind. It was not much later I arranged to get a flight to Argentina. I really couldn't be here any longer, so I packed my stuff and left early in the morning.

It was good to be with Nick, Tess and baby Claire, but it also made me aware of all my dreams. The dreams that I thought would come true, but are broken, maybe for good. I have to admit that I envy my brother; having a beautiful wife, a precious daughter, a live that's perfectly fine. And I have nothing, nothing at all.

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I want to talk to you

But in the end this visit worked well for me. A lot of things are coming clear to me. Things I need to know to go on. Sometimes it seems so simple. One evening I was sitting on the veranda, Nick handed me a beer and we started to talk. Not long, no it was a small talk, but somehow Nick said just the right words. Maybe it was because I was far away from Killarney or cause I finally wanted to see it clear, without fooling myself.

I looked at him, while he stared in front of him. 'Why did you got with Fiona in the first place?' I took a swung of my beer and just said the first things that appeared in my mind. 'She was beautiful, sweet ...' But Nick looked straight at me. 'And?' I couldn't really answer him right away. What seemed like an easy question was way more complicated. Things were complicated, that was what I knew. And with her it seemed all so simple. 'Just ask yourself questions like that', Nick continued, 'just like why you got engaged to her so soon?' He petted me on my shoulder and stood up.

Those questions got stuck in my mind and I went back to the moment I left to Melbourne. I think I sat there almost whole night. Tess had paid a quick visit and when I heard baby Claire started to cry in the middle of the night the pieces slowly got together. I could see a picture formed.

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung, or do
Something that's never been done

I've been a fool. I've been played by a girl I hardly knew. Of course I loved her, really I did. Maybe there's a part of me that still belongs to her. It sounds strange after all the lies, but somewhere I wished it hadn't been lies. What if it all had been true? I would be preparing the baby room, thinking of names ...

But most of all I loved being loved, to have someone on my side who would always be there. Someone to call my own. Who just loved me, and she did, I know. Maybe too much, or maybe she had the same problem as me, the need to be loved.

I met her in Melbourne, when I was on my weakest. When Harry had rejected me, when I felt alone and didn't know where to go. Just like that evening when I got back from the hospital. She felt like my saving angel, but she turned out to be the opposite. And why not marry right away, so you're sure that that someone will always be there and won't just walk out on you?

But it wasn't love, it wasn't true love. Like Claire and me. I stop for a moment; sighing and I feel my eyes getting teary again. I knew, I knew it, just before the wedding I knew what I had with Fiona would never come anywhere near Claire and me. Never, cause she was the opposite of her. And realizing that now I know why it felt so easy and right with her, cause she wasn't a treat to my love I still treasure for Claire. She didn't remind me of her at all, so it felt safe.

And I tried so hard to please her, to have her on my side, to make her feel loved, to make it work. I was acting forced. No, I wasn't completely myself. I wasn't the Alex Ryan I would be around someone I truly, deeply loved. A soul mate. Isn't love being loved for who you really are, to just be yourself and know it's all right? Like it was with Claire? Maybe I had my chance and let it slip through my hands, cause I fooled around for so long. What if you only have one true love, one love of your life? How am I supposed to move on? It makes me so sad realizing I maybe will never have what my brother has, a family, people around me that I can truly call mine, who loves me for the person I am. Just me ...

I just wanted to be loved ...

I've been a fool and I want to forget. I want to move on. I don't know how, but at least there is a lot solved of the puzzle, but deep down inside I still feel the picture isn't finished yet. There are missing pieces and I don't know where to find them.

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle?
You can't find your missing piece
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

And so I am back in Australia, driving to Killarney. Hoping it won't fool me again.

Coldplay - Talk