Chapter 22 Whatever's left

It was clear to Alex that whatever the feelings he had for Stevie were, he first needed to take a step back to overview this last year. It was getting pretty confusing. The puzzle still needs completion. There were still some questions, which needed to be answered, although he didn't know if they ever would, at least he could give it a try.

In the meantime at Drovers Run Riley tried to find out what Stevie's feeling towards him truly were, cause to be honest, he didn't have a clue. She could act different on a daily basis. Sometimes she was pulling him in, sometimes she pushed him away. So when Stevie was about to clean the troughs he offered to help and she accepted it right away, after all there was nothing wrong with getting some help and she liked his company.

He glared at her, trying to find the right words, the right moment maybe. 'Riley, it doesn't bring us anywhere if you keep staring at me like that', she remarked. He felt a little caught, but at the same time he saw it as a chance. 'Sorry, I just liked the view.' He smirked and she looked up at him again. Questionable maybe, not sure what to say next. 'Really', he added, hoping she would at least give a response on that. 'Well, thanks I guess', she got on with her work, not paying any more attention to Riley.

'Is there something bugging you lately?', he all of a sudden asked a few minutes later. 'Why?', she said immediately, standing straight up again. 'You seem distracted some how.' She thought for a moment, maybe some words wouldn't be bad she figured. After all he was her friend. 'Well, maybe you know, or got a clue, but Rose will be here within a couple of weeks.' 'Rose?' Riley looked asking at her. He remembered the name being said by the girls a few times this week, but he hadn't got a clue who she was.

'Uhm ... she's my daughter'. Stevie guessed it was best just to say it and she saw the puzzled look on Riley's face, who tried to get his act together within a sec. A daughter? She never mentioned a daughter. 'I didn't know you had a daughter. Is she ...', he took a moment. There were all kinds of questions running through his head. 'Do you have to baby-sit than?' Riley heard himself saying it, and it was probably the dullest question he could have come up with.

Stevie laughed. 'Well, no ... she will turn 17 next month.' Riley was overwhelmed by the news. 17? That's almost a young woman, about ten years younger than him. Stevie saw his expression and knew it was surely not something he expected, so she tried to make it easy and answered some questions that probably were stuck in his head. 'I got pregnant when I was 15, and eventually my parents figured it was best to let her getting raised by my sister. But she wants to be a jillaroo, so she's coming for a month.'

They talked a bit more about Rose and Riley kind of understood Stevie's mood swings. But she hadn't told him everything of course; cause there was a part she left out of it. The part Rose had found out she was Stevie's daughter, the part of Rose and Alex getting along ... the part of Alex. Cause it wasn't just Rose that was on her mind, it was Alex too.

So they were mates, but it wasn't as simple as that. There had happened so much between them last year that one evening of talking wouldn't heal the wounds of their friendship. Stevie had always wondered why Alex couldn't see through things, why he didn't sense there was something going on. That he was hurting her. He had always been the man that had sensed her needs. He had been there when she most needed it. But somehow that trait was lost. It was like Fiona had taken that part away. The part that made their friendship so strong.

She could remember many times he was too blinded to really feel and see her feelings. The moment he had asked her to be his best man. It had felt like the ground was sinking under her, and to be honest she wished it had. It had been one of the most awkward moments in her life and he just kept dragging on about it, while she had put on a fake smile that could slide of her face with every torturing second the conversation lasted.

The moment she had been crying on his wedding. He had embraced her, but he didn't have a clue what was going on. He just thought it was about their friendship. It would never change, he had assured her. But why didn't he notice it already had changed? Why couldn't he see in her eyes that there was so much more, when she glared at him, almost pleading him to see it, but he just looked at her in a lost grinning way without even a clue, before Fiona dragged him away? Fiona was gone, but what was left?

She wished it could return, that he would feel her again, just in the way it had been. But she wasn't sure it would, but she would try cause she needed it. She needed his friendship so much. So much that she neglected the feelings she had for him. Stevie could feel it in her whole body. Whenever he was around, she had that funny, confusing feeling. It made her weak, while she wanted to be strong.

Alex took the time to think. He couldn't remember he ever thought this much, but he guessed it came along with the fact he was alone. At night he just glared at the ceiling, not willing to sleep. He remembered the kiss. The kiss that had confused them both, but he had liked it and never really forgot it, well maybe this last year. It had felt so overwhelming that maybe the fright had made them agree on being 'just' friends. And he guessed it had been the right decision back then.

But what had made him kiss her? Did he have feelings for her at the time, or was it just a moment of weakness, needing the intimacy. He had needed it, ever since Claire died he had longed for someone on his side. And she was that someone, but why did it never lead to more? They got so close as friends. There hadn't been a doubt she became his best mate. Maybe there were too many things playing on their minds to really think of the possibility there could be more.

He remembered the day she saved his life, the first time. Or maybe it was the second time, cause she was one of the reasons he could live on after Claire's death. All that stupid behavior about going to the farmers counsel ball with Felicity. He said teasingly she made a jealous impression on him.

'The way you're carrying on ... if I didn't know better I would say you're jealous'

'Don't flatter yourself'

'Than why keep going on about it?'

'Because I'm trying to give you some advice. All right? I'm sorry I bothered'

'Come on, just one day you looked at me and went weak in the knees, didn't yah?'

'You know I hope she's a bunny boiler. You deserve each other'

Harry had made his point clear about Stevie and Alex could remember he thought his old man was talking crap. 'Stevie's not wife material.' 'Wife material?' Alex mumbled to himself, turning around to lie on his stomach, holding tight to his pillow. Why on earth was he thinking of this? The ink on the divorce papers was hardly dry.

'I realized I'd rather be somewhere else'