AN: Thank you so, so much to all of you who left me reviews, way to boost a girl's ego. I hope that the chapters to come can live up to your expectations, and as always I appreciate your feedback, enjoy.

-Hold On For Your Dearest Life-

A few days later and we were back at school. The weekend was kind of lame, we did kind of redecorate the house, but more in the sense of we tossed a whole bunch of shit that screamed 'mom.' If it was distinctly her or something she picked out and we knew that it reminded us of her too much, we got rid of it. Dad thought it would be freeing, I guess it was somewhat liberating, but the act really only reminded me of how much my life really has changed, or at least the fact that I don't have a mother anymore.

I arrived late to school, strolled into my first period class, and just took a seat without a word. I glanced at the teacher and I knew he was going to say something but I just turned to look out the window and tuned everything else out. I have no idea if he addressed me or not, but seeing as how he didn't say anything to me when I left, I guess we're good for the time being. The only bad part about that class, I realized, just today actually, that Ashley is in that same class too. So she obviously noticed my behavior, that's when she came up to me with a weird look on her face and I understood that she was in that class room too. Figures it would take me like four days just to realize that fact. Of course if I wasn't late I might not have even noticed.

"Hey, Spence, are you okay, I mean you like spaced completely during class, and I've never seen you like this before."

"I'm fine. People change Ash, I already told you, I'm not the same person."

"Bullshit. You might think that but I still know that same girl who spilled my coffee that first day we met is still in there somewhere. The same girl who ran away with me after her parents freaked out, the same girl you were before you got shot. It's still in there Spencer, you may not want to believe that, but it's true. And people don't change; they just don't stay the same."

What? People don't change; they just don't stay the same. Again with the 'what?'

"What?"

"Yes, part of you has changed, but you're still you, and nothing will change that. Look, I didn't stop you to get into an argument with you; I have something to ask you."

"Um, okay, shoot."

Nice choice of words genius. Why don't you make the hand motion to go along with that? But, true to form, Ashley just brushes it off and continues on with whatever it is she is about to say.

"Spencer Carlin, would you like to go out on a date with me?"

"You're being serious?"

"Yes damn it, now what's your answer Spence, I haven't got all day."

"Wow. Okay, sure, I guess. Um, is it just me or is this kind of weird?"

"Yes, weirdness is in full force, but I figured this was the way to go since you're all 'I've changed' or whatever and what better way to get to know a person or the new person they've become than a date. And since you've already said yes, I'll pick you up tonight at seven, dress casual. Later Spence."

"Uh, yeah."

Well that was weird. Great, now all I'm going to be thinking about all day is this 'date' tonight. Why am I suddenly feeling giddy? This is all kinds of crazy. What am I going to wear?

"Did you enjoy dinner?"

"Yes actually. This evening hasn't been as awkward as I thought it would be."

I really, really thought it would be something major, but with Ashley, she just makes it all seem so effortless and I feel at ease despite the fact that I'm still nervous. We had a nice quiet dinner at this little Italian place, and we just talked. Mostly about random stuff, some about the summer, we tried not to talk about prom. I can tell she feels guilty, but I reassured her nothing was her fault and she shouldn't feel that way. And oh my God I see it happening, I'm softening. When the hell did that happen?

"So, the night is still young, it's warm, beautiful out, how about a walk on the beach?"

"I don't know Ash, I haven't been to the beach in a long time, and even though it's dark out, I don't think I would feel comfortable, not yet anyway."

"That's okay; we can go back to my place. Unless you want me to take you home, completely your choice."

"Your place is fine."

I don't know why I said that. Yes, I love her, yes, I want to be with her, but am I ready? I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm comfortable to put myself out there, to just be with her, or be with her. Calm down Spence, you'll be fine; don't read too much into it. Yeah right, who am I kidding; I am too damn nervous about every little thing. Just breathe damn it.

"So do you want to watch a movie or something?"

"Uh, sure, whatever."

"Spence, relax, if you're this nervous or really don't want to be here, I can take you home, its okay, really."

"No, no, it's not that. Well I mean it is, but I don't want to go home, I want to be here, I'm just, I don't know scared or something. Which is like this really weird feeling for some reason."

"I understand. Here, come over here, lay on the bed with me, and will just talk, or be silent, whatever feels comfortable."

I trusted her, at least that much. Ashley always did have a way of making me feel better. So we just laid there, side by side, elbows barely touching. For a long time we didn't talk, but it wasn't awkward. It was just silence, and peaceful, content. I didn't really know what to say, so I just continued to stare at the ceiling, lost in my thoughts, listening to her breathing. And then she spoke.

"Can I see?"

"What?"

"Your scars, can I see them. It's okay to say no, I won't push."

"Which ones?"

"All of them. The ones on your arm, the one on your shoulder."

"Why?"

"Most of my damage isn't outwardly visible. Yeah, I've thought about hurting myself, showing the pain I feel on the inside on the outside, but I never did. And now whether we like it or not, you're damaged too. And it's more than just internal, you have permanent reminders. And I don't know, I just want to understand or know something. I guess I figure if I see them, maybe I can help make it better. I think my logic is failing me, that made all kinds of sense that didn't."

"No, it's okay, I think I understand. Turn on a light."

Ashley sat up and turned on the main light for the bedroom. Not that it was overly dark in the room already, but she went with the big light to be sure she had a good view. As she did this, I sat up in the bed, preparing myself for what was to come. I had a long sleeve shirt on again, and even though I had a tank top on underneath, I still felt a little self conscious. But what the hell, she's seen me naked plenty of times before, why should I be scared now right? Well let me see, I haven't been with her in about four months, I haven't really spoken to her in nearly three, and I now have all these lovely scars brandishing my body to show off. God, life sucks.

"Just, um…"

"Spence, show me, they're not going to make me love you any less. It's okay baby, it's okay."

I miss that, her calling me baby. And oh crap, my tough resolve really is slowly fading. I hate that. But I love her. Whatever, more important things at the moment…I slowly took of my long sleeved shirt, not looking her in the eyes, as I set it aside. Then, in all of my glory for her to see with no barriers, I showed her my arm, more closely. She cradled it in her hand, slowly inspecting, running her fingers over the many lines I had put there. I saw tears well up in her eyes.

"I'm sorry."

I'm not sure why I'm apologizing, but I am, and I need to.

"No, it's not you're fault. And I know it's not mine, but it still hurts, that you're hurting, and I couldn't make it better."

After she was finished with my arm, I slowly brought it back to my side. Then I turned more towards her, and pushed the strap of my tank off my shoulder so she could see the massive scar there. And she gasped, and the tears began to flow as she tentatively reached out to trace the mark.

"You can tell where the bullet went in. Those other lines, the other scars, are from where they had to cut me open to repair the damage, and extract the bullet. Some of them should fade, but most I think will be a constant reminder."

I can't look at her anymore. It pains me to see the ache in her face, in her heart. I suppose she will always, in some way, feel responsible, but I know she knows otherwise. Hell, I even feel responsible, sometimes I feel I deserved it, but I know, on some level, that I didn't. She slowly puts the strap of my top back in place and reaches out to bring my eyes to look into hers.

"You're still beautiful Spence. All the scars and marks in the world couldn't make you ugly, couldn't make me not love you."

And now I'm crying, great. Just great. I'm breaking down, and she's taking me in her arms and I feel all of my resolve crumbling. It's all coming apart on me, I don't know how to keep it together, so I just fall, and she's there, holding me up.

By the time I finally pull myself together, we are in another silence filled existence, this one slightly awkward though. I move to put my long sleeved top back on, but she stops me.

"You don't have to. You don't ever have to hide from me. Just lay with me here, let me hold you, and everything will be okay."

So again, I trust her, and she is right. She doesn't make me feel guilty about my damaged body, or my damaged mind. She just cradles my whole body, holds on to me, as we slip back into a content silence. I realize in this moment that for the first time in months, I feel whole again.