AN: As always, reviews appreciated. Despite my pessimism, those that have actually responded seem to like this story, so here's another chapter for all of you. Enjoy, all opinoins welcomed, and have a pleasent day.
-Bend And Not Break-
We fell back asleep after I woke up, we talked for a bit but we were both so drained that we just decided to sleep some more. This time when I wake up, I'm not in any pain. But I do feel something on my shoulder, its Ashley, she's massaging my shoulder. Not a bad way to wake up.
"Ash, what are you doing?"
"I woke up a little while ago, and did some research on the internet. The stuff I found said that periodic massages are good for the muscle and nerves in places of trauma, especially if they have been severely damaged like say by a bullet. So anyway, I read up and when I noticed you starting to wake up I got to massaging. Does it hurt?"
"No, it feels great, thank you."
"No problem Spence. See, not so useless."
"You could never be useless. Hey, what time is it anyway? I take it we're skipping today?"
"Oh yeah. It's like nine something I think. When you first woke up I was in the kitchen with your dad and before I heard you he was telling me that if we wanted to stay here today he was okay with it. He probably called you in after I came up here. So anyway, yeah, I love your dad. What do you want to do on this lovely Tuesday devoid of school?"
"First, I agree, my dad is awesome. As far as what I want to do, I want to stay in bed a little longer, than we can do whatever as long as it's not too strenuous."
Even though it's been months, I'm still a little weak form that whole getting shot and hospitalization mess. The doctor said I may never get my full strength back, I forget why, but I think it had something to do with the surgery and massive blood loss. Anyway, I get tired a little easier than I used to, so it sucks, but yeah.
"Sounds good, so you want me to let you get some more rest, I can go back downstairs or something."
"Ash, shut up. Just lay down with me, I want you here."
"I'm glad we're…whatever we are, Spence, I missed you, and you know, you're the most important thing in my life."
"Me too, I still might need time with stuff, take it slow, but unless you have any objections I think it would safe to assume we're officially back together."
"No objections here, girlfriend."
I just grinned like an idiot and pulled her closer to me. I forgot how much I missed this, just lying here with her, in content silence. Usually she was the one who would hold me, but right now, I'm holding her as she cuddles into me, and I really like it. I think this time we might be stronger because of everything that has happened. I'm not saying it was good that it went down, because a lot of that sucked major ass and was physically and emotionally painful, but overall, I think we understand each other better, and have realized how much we really mean to one another.
This moment just proves that, me being the strong one at the moment, comforting her just as much as she is comforting me. It's nice, and for the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
We spent the day pretty much lying around and watching movies. We binged out on some junk food and take out, then by the time my dad got home, we were both too full and lethargic to do anything else, so we just stayed put in front of the TV. When he came in to say hi to me a small smile spread across his face and for a moment I was puzzled until I realized the way Ashley and I were positioned. She was leaning against the couch, on the floor, and I was resting against her, my body leaning back into hers. She was just cradling me, holding on to me and I was so content to just be there, like that forever. I just tentatively smiled back at him and he gave me a reassuring nod and went in search of some leftovers from the day.
He really is a great dad; he almost makes up for what a hateful bitch my mom has become. Sure she was bad before, but now she has taken it to a whole new level. It still gets to me every now and then. The more I think about her, what I've lost, the sadder I become. I grab Ashley's hands and pull them around me tighter and snuggle more into her, wanting her to protect me and chase away all of the bad and pain in my life even though I can't voice that to her. She just pulls me into her more securely, and even though I know she doesn't exactly understand why I need this, she gives it to me anyway, because that's just who she is. I can sense that she wants to ask, so I try and beat her to it.
"Later, if I can, I'll try and talk about it. But can we just be like this now?"
"Of course, I'm right here Spence, I'm right here."
And I know she is, and it feels like she always will be. That thought scares me and comforts me all at once.
"Would you stay here again? I mean you don't have to, I was just wondering you know since it's getting late…"
"You don't have to explain Spence. Hey, at least I don't have to sleep on the couch anymore."
She saw my face fall momentarily and then tried to cheer me back up. I think she understands what my whole deal was earlier.
"So do I get to wear some of your Disney sleepwear again, or can I have something a little more Ashley-esque? I mean I have nothing against the kiddie attire, but really Spence, how old are you?"
"Please, you know I got rid of those a long time ago. And what was that, once you saw me in that night shirt? Anyway, just grab a tank and some shorts. Come on Ash, I'm tired. You know you'd look hot in anything why are you even complaining?"
"I'm not; I just like to get you to blush. Plus you don't look too bad yourself, especially in one of those little tanks and short shorts."
"Just go get changed, I'll be up in a minute."
"Don't take too long Spence."
"Yeah, yeah, just go."
She left to go up to my room; I stayed back and headed into the kitchen. I grabbed the bottle of pain killers and an ice pack out of the freezer. Before long I forgot what I had been doing and am knocked out of my thoughts by Ashley's voice calling out to me and her feet padding into the kitchen. This is how she finds me: Slumped over the counter, pills next to me, the upper half of my body resting against the top surface, ice pack under my shoulder squished between me and the counter, tears streaming down my face, me silent. I know what you're thinking, but I'm not trying to kill myself or anything, I only took one of the pills, the container is just next to me, I'm not that crazy – yet anyway. She swiftly comes over to me and brushed the hair that fell in my face out of the way.
"Spencer, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm fine. My shoulder just hurts is all. It should be okay soon, I took a pain killer and the ice will help. I'll be fine in a minute."
"Not that I don't believe you, but bullshit. There is a whole lot more going on here than you're admitting to. I understand if you don't want to talk about it, to me, but I told you, you can't keep all this crap bottled up, I can see it's tearing you up inside."
"I want to be able to tell you, I just don't know how. Remember how hard it was for you to open up to me when we first met? I guess it's kind of like that. Just help me upstairs Ash, I hurt so much, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep, I just want you next to me."
"Okay, I'll help you Spence, you know I always will. Come on, let's go get some sleep."
Once she got me upstairs I changed and then laid down on my bed next to her, after an awkward moment, I turned over to face her and wrapped my body against her side. She brought her arm around to cradle my back and I just buried my head into her shoulder. I hate feeling this vulnerable, after all that has happened I had never wanted to feel like this again. It makes everything so much harder, being weak. I fucking hate it.
"It's your mom isn't it?"
"What?"
"Part of the reason you're upset, it has something to do with your mom."
"Yeah. I still miss her sometimes. She won't even talk to me anymore. It's like I don't exist."
"Spence, I'm not going to say I know how you feel, sure some of it I do, but the relationship you had with Paula, it was more than I ever had with my mother. So I guess I can understand how it would hurt so much more to lose that. I don't know everything that went down, only what you're dad told me while you were gone. I can only imagine how much what she's doing must hurt, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. But I can't help but think that in some ways maybe you're better off this way."
"I think that too, but it doesn't exactly make me feel any better. At least I still have my dad…and you."
"Always, you're dad could never treat you like that, and neither could I."
I held her a little tighter before I drifted off. Just before I succumbed to sleep I vowed to try and talk to her some more tomorrow. I guess sometimes you got to delve into that pain, work through it, in order to get passed it. It fucking sucks but hopefully it will be worth it.
"Not that I really care, but if you don't hurry up we're going to be late, and I know you hate detention, so move it Ash!"
"I'm almost finished Spence, give me a sec. Okay, okay, let's go."
"God I hate school."
"Why? I mean, I get why, because I do to, but you have always liked school, so what makes it so unbearable now?"
I glared at her, damn her intuitiveness. Damn her knowing me so well and damn me for loving her. I sigh and remember that I'm really trying to make an effort here and decide to actually verbalize this.
"Sorry. Okay, I hate school now, one because of what happened here. Two because I don't care about it anymore, so therefore it is just an inconvenience, and three because of all of the hateful people here. Don't get me wrong, I still like some aspects of it, but it just doesn't hold the same appeal or whatever it used to. Some things have changed Ashley, and this is one of them. I don't think I'll ever go back to my old view in this department."
"It's okay, I understand. And thank you for sharing that with me, I appreciate it. But don't worry, I'm here, I got your back, and I know for a fact that you can take care of yourself, so we'll both be fine. No worries Spence, don't stress your self out."
Easier said than done. She is right though, but still. Fuck, I feel at war with myself. Wanting to push her away, push everyone away, but then, I just want to let her in, let her comfort me, but I can't fully. This is torture, pure annoying confusion.
The morning has passed, I'm supposed to meet Ashley for lunch, but instead I'm holed up in the bathroom, contemplating what happened almost an hour ago. Madison, that bitch, how in the hell did I let what she said affect me so much? It wasn't like I haven't heard it all before. Maybe I let my guard down, I don't know, she just got to me, so here I sit, thinking, holding a blade in my hand hovering over my arm.
"Oh look, its little Spencey, you miss you're mommy, dyke? Or maybe you miss fully functioning limbs, I here that can be bitch with the way you freaks do it. Poor little gay girl, no family, no mommy, no nothing anymore. You're just trash now, and you've got the marks to prove it. You're lucky no one else died, it was your fault most of you're friends were standing there when it happened, it would have been your fault if anyone got hurt. You're just a walking disaster. Come on chicas, we better get out of here before one of us gets shot or something."
I couldn't move, she had me cornered and I was seething at everything she was saying. I couldn't unlock my jaw to speak; I just stood, glaring until she finally left. My shoulders slumped in defeat, I continued heading on to my class, thankful that I only had one more before lunch.
That leads me to now; I just want to kick her in the gut so hard for everything she has put me through. Was what she said true? Partly, but it's Madison, you can never take her too seriously. But still, it hit a nerve, and I don't know what to do. So I just hold the blade, not knowing if I'll use it, if I need it.
I hear the door open and tentative footsteps walking in. Each stall door is opened before mine, and then Ashley is in front of me, a questioning look on her face. I have a newly acquired nervous habit of rubbing my shoulder where my scar is when I'm distressed about something. The look on my face tells her I'm not in pain, but she is concerned none the less. I still haven't found my voice. Next she sees my other hand, with the razor blade and quickly pales slightly before slowly taking it away from me and throwing it away. Making sure there is no external damage she looks me in the eye and opens her mouth.
"Spence, what are you doing in here? What happened?"
I still can't find the words; I just stare at the floor in defeat, willing to be able to do anything. Ashley comes closer and just pulls me into her. I wrap my arms tightly around her, letting myself for the first time completely let go and let her be my anchor. I cry, I don't make any sound, but I let all of my frustrations, anger, pain, sorrow, all of it out as I cry into her clinging desperately to her torso. And she just holds me, that's all she has to do.
"Spence, tell me what happened."
She waited until I finally stopped crying to speak. She still holds me tightly until I unwrap myself from her and compose myself. I look up at her, looking at the patience and concern written all over her face. Taking another deep breath and wiping the last of my stray tears away, I finally find my voice.
"Madison."
"Ugh, what did she do?"
"Nothing I shouldn't have expected. I don't know why I let it get to me; she just has that special gift you know? It's probably like a side effect or something from having so many venereal diseases. She now has the ability to make you feel guilty about something or make you feel like complete shit when I know I shouldn't. I hate her, but I know what she said can't be true. I can't be."
"Whatever it was, I assure you, she couldn't get her head that far out of her ass to actually have something she says be completely true and right. Whatever she said, she is wrong and is a hateful bitch who'd say anything to make herself feel a tiny bit better about her small ego and slutty self."
"You want to just skip the rest of the day?"
"Hmm, very tempting. And let me just say, those are some of the hottest words to ever come out of your mouth. Now, to skip or not to skip…"
"Stop it already; we both know you're coming."
"You're right, why fight it? To the parking lot!"