Chapter 38 Show me a vision

Alex had been driving almost none stop. He could hardly keep his eyes open, focused on the road. But he knew it would be worth it. The thought of Stevie still being alive kept him going. He wasn't sure what to find. What he would do if he saw her, but just to see her alive would be enough. Whatever would follow was up for later. This felt like a second chance and he would do anything to make up for his absence the last months. The closer he got to Drovers the more he felt she was still alive.

Stevie was doing the dishes in the kitchen. The girls had gone out and although they had begged Stevie to join her she had refused the offer. An evening for herself wouldn't be that bad she figured. Though she hoped she could keep her tears inside for once, so doing the dishes probably would distract her enough for now.

Alex drove immediately to Drovers. He couldn't wait to first visit Killarney, sleeping, eating. He didn't want to scare her but he just had to know. He drove upon the homestead and he felt his heart beating in his throat. A deep sigh let him out of his Ute.

Stevie had just placed another dry plate next to her when her senses heard a soft noise, which made her look up into the window before her. The glass she was holding slipped out of her hands, falling into the water again. Her heart skipped a few beats. She glared into the window seeing the reflection of a man, and a second later she realized it was Alex. For a moment she thought she was going crazy, starting to hallucinate.

Alex stared at her. There she stood, alive. Alive ... it kept crossing his mind and for a moment he was flabbergasted. Overwhelmed with all kind of feelings rushing through him. Their gazes met each other in the window reflection, both holding their breath. Quickly Stevie turned around to still think she would find nothing behind her, but he was standing there. Tall, skinny, long hair, old clothes, his face needed shaving and his eyes looked exhausted. They were red cause of being tired, but mostly cause of the view they were facing. His mouth was opened slightly glaring at the woman in front of him.

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

'Alex ...', it left her mouth without realizing she wanted to say it. He could see the stunned look on her face, the sad look in her eyes, the tears already welling up. Her hair was loosely tied together, a shirt was hanging widely around her body, a simple jeans and her relax boots completed the picture.

He blinked his eyes, trying to get his act together. 'You're alive', he mumbled doing a step forward. She stood still, nodding softly, before realizing she had been right. He had thought she was dead and that thought and the fact he had made his way back made her shiver. Her breathing almost choked, feeling the need to cry heavy. And so she did, big tears were rolling down her face, her body shaking, supporting every sob, and trying to calm it down a bit with her hands covering her face.

Alex rushed to her, not sure if she wanted to have him close, but he couldn't stand to see her like this. He didn't want her to cry, especially not about him, but he realized she probably had done it so many times these last months and it all had been his fault. He felt a huge guilt creeping up inside. How much he had hurt her. He couldn't stop his teary eyes from breaking into tears falling down on his face.

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

He touched her arm softly, hoping she would let him near. Though Stevie had tried to block every thought about seeing him again these last weeks, she had give herself the feeling she would feel anger, disappointment. But at this moment it was mostly the shock and the need to have him close that had the upper hand.

He wrapped his strong arms around her drawing her closer to his body. She buried her face in his chest and when she felt this save feeling washing over her she put her hands around his waist, holding him tight. Alex looked into the window seeing their strong embrace. He was only able to breath through his mouth and the view was blurry from the tears that covered his eyes. A blink made them roll down again. He lay his head down, feeling her curls touching the side of his face.

They stood there for some time, just letting their tears out, feeling each other's closeness. 'I'm so sorry', Alex mumbled finally. 'I shouldn't have gone away. I should have stayed with you in the first place. But I ..', another sob made him pause. Stevie softly looked up at him. 'I know ...'. She didn't want him to say he thought she was dead; she didn't want to hear it. He looked down, his face holding an expression which showed how torn apart he was.

Her face was wet, red, from crying, but her big brown eyes shown through. His lips were trembling, but once more he said how sorry he was. How sorry he was he had let her down. Stevie couldn't really take another sorry and she moved a bit back, looking back up, straight into his eyes. She softly shook her head, begging not to continue. Alex knew exactly what she meant. He had to stop saying these things.

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

He could feel her heavy breathing pass his neck. She let out another sob, sliding her tongue along her lips, the salt taste running through her mouth. 'Just don't ever leave me again Alex'. And with that she threw her arms around his neck, pulling him close, crying once more. 'I won't', he whispered, swallowing. He held her close, one hand leading to her hair, softly touching it, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

When they finally let go awkwardness filled the room. They both knew there was a lot to talk about, but this was probably not the right moment. 'You look exhausted', Stevie said while she once again noticed Alex' appearance. Alex ran his fingers through his hair, feeling a bit ashamed for the way he looked; probably like crap. 'Uhm .. I've driven all the way ..'. She looked questioning at him. '... All the way from Sydney.' He shortly told her about the phone call he had with Tess and how he had made his way to Drovers.

When he finished the two looked wandering at each other, not sure what to say next. Alex tried to break the silence. 'You look exhausted too.' He gave her a soft smile and wanted to brush away the wetness on her cheek but Stevie moved back. It startled him a bit. She looked down, standing still. It wasn't this easy. It wasn't this easy to let him get close again. Of course she was glad he was back, but he had abandoned her and she was protecting herself while moving back when he tried to touch her face. She knew what effect it had on her when his fingers touched her and she didn't want to go anywhere near that. Stevie still didn't look at him. Alex glared at her and already regretted his action. She obviously didn't appreciate it.

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

'Sorry', he mumbled once more. He had never felt more lost for words. She bitted her lip, looking up for just a sec. 'I think you better leave. You're probably tired and now it's not the right time to talk.' He nodded heavy. 'Yeah, you're probably right'. But it broke his heart to see her like this. That she pushed him away, not willing to let him in. But he understood, she probably had felt something close to this when he had walked out on her when she told him she loved him. He could still smack his head for that.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

Dixie Chicks – So hard