Title: Shattered Innocence

Author: DnKS-giRLs

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Kanda-Allen

Disclaimers: it's an obvious lie if we said that we own D.Gray-Man…Hoshino Katsura would haunt us even in our graves

Warning: shounen-ai, angst, could we say Allen torture?

Chapter 3 – Wrecked After the Storm

The next day after the stormy night, Allen woke up with aches all over his body. His head pounded harshly, his back sore, and his stomach felt strange. Not to mention that he already had his big share of injury stinging on his chest, a souvenir from the Akuma, slicing from his left shoulder to his right stomach area. He winced when he felt the pain that came from his private areas. Remembering where that pain came from last night, he smiled.

He glanced to another side of his bed and wasn't really surprised when he found that he was alone on his bed. Kanda was already gone. He was hoping Kanda would still be there, but it seemed that he was hoping too much.

Allen could only guess that Kanda had made some kind of mistake yesterday that he was regretting now or he was just using him as some kind of catharsis from his frustration. He personally thought that it was like some kind of punishment that Kanda gave to him. He laughed bitterly in his mind. He didn't think that Kanda knew, but if he did consider what he had done to Allen last night as a punishment, he was giving a prompt punishment for him. He thought that way because he was craving for Kanda's touch right now. He missed his kisses, his touch, his scent, his warmth. He missed the passionate moments they shared together yesterday.

He pushed his body and soul to work when one of the ship's crew pounded his door and asked him to be awake since they were nearing the harbor. He cleaned himself with a basin of water and rags that were already inside his bathroom. He was not crazy enough to take a shower with a large wound in his chest. He almost did it though, since he wanted to erase Kanda's scent that was still lingering on his body. It made him almost insane because it made him remember of what had happened last night.

After cleaning himself, Allen prepared to get out from the ship. He took a deep breath before going outside; knowing that he would meet Kanda sooner or later. He did not know what he would say or do if he met Kanda. He hoped that Kanda would be willing to think about deepening their relationship, but he didn't dare to hope so much. He would just be prepared of his biggest fear after what happened last night: another cold act from Kanda.

And it was just what Kanda did to him. He met Kanda right after he got out from his cabin and Kanda just gave him cold shoulder.

They avoided each other even when they arrived back at the headquarters. Allen wanted to say something to Kanda, but he found that he could not even do a petty thing like making his voice came out. He could not even say a single syllable to Kanda. It was strange, really, for Allen could answer the usual 'welcome back' from his friends back at headquarters—even if he answered it with a sad tone, remembering that he had failed his mission with Kanda.

His unvoiced words to Kanda made Allen disappointed of himself. He could show a lot of courage that no one could compare to when he dealt with Akuma, Noah's family or some other problems. And yet, he found himself to be such a coward when he had to face his problems with Kanda now.

Well… he knew Kanda was not an Akuma, neither was he one of Noah's family, nor his problem now is something he could consider as 'some other problems'. But still, he should show some courage to face Kanda. Just where was his courage when he needed it at this moment?

"I will give our full report on the mission to Komui myself," Kanda said suddenly, making Allen jumped a little. "You go to the infirmary to tend your wounds. I'll borrow Timcanpi."

Allen wanted to say that he was alright and he would like to go with Kanda to Komui, but he still could not force his mouth to speak with Kanda. So, he nodded as Kanda walked away with Timcanpi. He walked to the infirmary with a sigh after few seconds of contemplating to just follow Kanda to Komui's office. But he figured out that it would not do him any good. Besides, his wounds started to ache badly again, and it hurt just to walk with the other aches all over his body from the result of what he had done last night.

He opened the door to infirmary and he talked with a doctor that seemed to be new. The new doctor looked like to be in his middle-aged year, his face showed that he have quite an experience in his life. He seemed to be Japanese, a fact that reminded him of a certain someone. The doctor listened to him and tended his wounds before asking Allen to rest in the infirmary since it was troublesome to treat him further in his room.

The doctor said nothing about hickeys that were spread in Allen's chest and lower neck. He even reminded him to cover himself in the blanket or use the scarf he gave him to hide the hickeys. For that, Allen silently thanked him in his heart.

He laid on one of the infirmary's bed and looked up to the ceiling. He was sorting out the events that was happening earlier in the day and found himself confused about what he was going to do about Kanda now. As he was considering about what to do, Komui entered the infirmary and looked at him with a smile.

"Oh, there is our Allen Walker… How are you feeling?" Komui asked Allen.

"I'm fine, just a little wound in the chest."

Komui frowned when he heard the word 'little' that Allen had used to describe his wound. It certainly was not little in Komui's opinion, but he decided to shrug it off.

"Is your innocence alright? I will be glad to fix it," Komui said it with a smirk.

"Um…well…" Allen said with a fright, knowing that Komui's treatment would be 'quite' terrifying. "Could it be saved for later? I am exhausted. The injuries on my hand were not that life threatening anyway. It's just a few scratches here and there."

"You sure?"

Allen nodded quickly.

"What a pity, I'm looking forward to repair your innocence. But I will let it slide for now," Komui said, with a smile, "I understand that you are still exhausted from the mission. I am sorry to order Kanda come back quickly with you because there was no person at the headquarters that I could dispatch at that moment to help taking care of your wounds and pick you up."

"I see... Kanda took care of me under your orders…" Allen mumbled. His heart felt a little heavy after hearing that piece of information.

"Sorry, what did you just say?"

Allen smiled at Komui. "I said that it was okay, Komui. I understood that Akuma are raging everywhere at this moment so there was no one to pick me up," Allen said, "I'm sorry that I could not prevent Noah family's plan by completing the mission."

Komui shook his head. "Don't be, Allen. The important thing is that you and Kanda are both safe."

Allen smiled broadly at that and was rewarded the same by Komui.

"Well then, I should be going," Komui said, "I have to prepare Kanda's next mission."

"What…? He is going to another mission right after he came back?"

"Yes," Komui said with a sigh. "It's always like that, isn't it? We are short on exorcists and the Noah's family is kind enough to make it even fewer than before."

Allen looked down and said, "Yes, I know…" He could not stop to think about why he hadn't ever considered how much Kanda wasn't here at the headquarters before. Then again, he was also too caught up with his mission and his reflection of the Noah's family to notice.

Komui smiled. "You are worried about him, aren't you?"

Allen just blushed and looked away.

Komui chuckled. "You know, for the pair that seemed to have bad vibes toward each other, you seemed to be so concerned one to another. Anyway, it is best if you get well soon so you could help him doing another mission."

Allen nodded. He wanted to say that Kanda would not be so concerned about him, but he could not bring himself to say it. It was because deep inside, he wanted Kanda to be concern at him like Komui said. He also wanted Kanda to worry about him, and fuss about him even for a little. But he just knew that it was almost impossible to happen.

"Well then, I will be going. Rest well, Allen."

Allen nodded while Komui walked out after giving him hand waves. Allen sighed and was about to flop back to his bed when he heard deep footsteps that was familiar to him. It belonged to none other than Kanda Yuu.

The long-haired man stepped inside the infirmary and he walked to his bed after a moment of glancing—glaring, to be exact—at the first and only person beside Allen that he saw in the infirmary. The unlucky person happened to be the doctor that looked like he was quite frightened with Kanda. He excused himself to the bathroom right away after a few seconds under Kanda's glare. And Allen just knew that he would not be back until Kanda left the infirmary. That meant that he was just alone with Kanda in the infirmary.

Great. Just when he didn't know what to say to Kanda. Just when he had not even sorted of what was really happening with him and Kanda.

Kanda finally saw him and Allen quickly averted his gaze from Kanda. Deep footsteps directed to his bed was heard when Kanda approached him. Not long after the footsteps stopped, Kanda asked, "Could I talk to you?"

Allen nodded. He directed his gaze at the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world. He could not look at Kanda right now, for he was afraid that he was going to say something or looked stupid to him.

"I wanted to talk about what happened last night."

Allen still could not say something to Kanda. He was just clutching his blanket and found the ceiling more interesting at that moment.

"Listen…" Kanda paused for a moment and continue it with, "Can you… forget about it?"

Allen felt his heart crunched at that moment. Forget about it? He wanted to shout at Kanda for being such a bastard, but he could not. He could not think about what he was going to say. He could not think about the proper way to make Kanda know about…

What? What did he want Kanda to know? Did he want Kanda to know about his feelings for him? And so he could break his heart more when Kanda told him that it was just a mistake? That it was just him and his little tiny frustration that did not concern him?

Allen swallowed up all his thoughts on the back on his mind and he finally courage himself to said, "I understand."

It was not an answer 'yes', because he just knew that he could not make himself forget about what had happened between him and Kanda. But it was just an answer that was ambiguous enough to make him hope that Kanda would just walk away with that. If Kanda bought it, then Allen sure that he would get by with his feelings for Kanda, and before long, he would be able to look at him again as a friend. Yes, just as a friend…at least nothing less…

"I am glad to hear that," Kanda said in a polite manner, making Allen quite sick with the tone, yet almost making him sigh in relief that Kanda didn't realize that he did not answered in a 'yes-no' fashion.

"I will be going then," Kanda said. "I have another mission to do."

"Aa…" Allen said. Is this what he wanted? To go back to where they were nothing but friends? Could it even be that Kanda really does considered him as highly as a 'friend'?

"Kanda…" he heard himself calling his name without thinking.

He heard Kanda's deep footsteps stopped and he almost panicked thinking about what he was actually going to say.

"What is it bean sprout? Say it quickly. I don't have much time."

Something inside Allen snapped when he heard his nick name that was given by Kanda. "I'm Allen! Don't call me bean sprout!"

Kanda raised his eyebrow at Allen's sudden outburst.

"Just… be careful on your mission, okay?"

"Che," Kanda said, "I wouldn't be here in the infirmary lazing around after this mission has been done."

"Are you implying that I am lazing around?"

Kanda just turned around from Allen as an answer. He was almost out from the infirmary when Allen heard him saying, "You better be out of this room when I'm back, bean sprout, or I'll kill you for lazing around."

"Hmph. I'll do the same if I find you here when you get back."

Kanda said nothing and left. When his footsteps faded away, Allen sighed. Well, even though his relationship with Kanda did not go to the direction he wanted to be, at least it was not worse than being a friend. With that thought in his mind, Allen closed his eyes and he braced himself to sleep.

He was almost gone to the land of dreams when he heard his doctor say, "Oh my, Allen-san, are you feeling alright?"

"I am fine, doctor."

"But why are you crying? Do your wounds start to ache again? Were you being bullied by the frightening young man that just came here?"

Allen frowned. He touched his cheek and gasped when he felt it wet. Furthermore, after he now realized it, he felt droplets of tears forming on his eyes rapidly. He wanted to stop it. Crying did not solve anything, nor could it bring anyone to fall for him. It was just a waste of time and energy. But his tears just streamed down regardless of his efforts to stop it.

"Allen-san?"

Allen tried to smile at his doctor, but he found himself failing miserably to do so. How did Kanda can affect him so? He hated him. He hated Kanda for making him feel so helpless like this. But he hated himself more to be such a coward to Kanda.

"Don't worry, doctor," Allen finally said with a trembling voice after mustering up his strength that was left.

"I'll be alright. I will be fine," he found himself saying those words, even though he knew that he would not likely be fine for quite a long time. Not with what that had happened. Not with Kanda that could only consider him no more than a friend.

- end chapter 3 -

(A/N: that's chapter three for you… so it's only logical if we think there'll be some reviews for us, right? There was thing called equivalent exchange here, you see… (laugh) but, we're so glad that this chapter is finally finished. It had gone through many things: massive essays on psychology, complex software engineering, tremendous amount of paperwork, a hell of database project… It's almost a miracle that we could deliver this chapter to you. So please give us some reviews to keep us alive… or some that can give us instant death… at least it's better than dying slowly and painfully under the torments of our beloved lecturers… gah!)