Title: Shattered Innocence

Author: DnKS-giRLs

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Kanda-Allen

Disclaimers: yadda yadda yadda. There.

Warning: shounen-ai, angst, OOC, MPreg

Chapter 6 – "I Do"

Based on something human culture had identified as logic, time should flow in a steady pace that forever neither slowed down nor quicken up. But for one Allen Walker, he felt that his time, practically saying his two weeks, passed by so quickly. He was just digesting the information that he was going to be married to Kanda, a man that didn't seem to love him. But right after he had finally accepted that and started to ponder on what to do, he was faced with the fact that he must be married on the following day.

The people in the headquarters did not make such a big fuss on the wedding day, but Allen felt many pity looks directed to him. Allen had heard that the wedding itself would only be attended by a few close friends that didn't have too many works at that time. Well, there was a person like Komui who was running from his mountainous workload, but he was not one to be considered. He was the best man for Kanda and Allen's wedding after all.

And speaking about wedding, Allen thought as he bit his lip, it was supposed to happen that day. People could see how nervous he was that day, especially Rinali who from the morning of that fated day had accompanied Allen much to his relief. She had tried to change Allen's mindset so he could think that it was the best for him and Kanda, even though he didn't really listen to her. He was somewhat still dazed about what was going to happen that day, but when Rinali put a veil on his head, he started to feel anxious. That anxiety grew by each passing minutes, and when Crowley called him, he trembled.

Rinali hold his hand, kneeled in front of Allen and said, "Let's go, Allen…"

Allen inhaled and exhaled deep breaths to calm himself as he rose from his seat. He closed his eyes for a second and then followed Rinali to go to the chapel where the wedding took place.

Crowley, as the one who would give him away, put Allen's hand in his elbow and he smiled at him. Allen didn't have the heart not to return that gesture so he smiled back weakly at Crowley. They both walked into the chapel and Allen eyed his surrounding.

Allen had never dreamt that he would be wed in such a cold and odd state. In his dream, his wedding was attended by many people, but he only saw few attended now. In his dream, his wedding was based on a sap love relationship (he blamed Master Cross for this thought because he had poisoned Allen with too many love stories), but his wedding was based on an accident. In his dream, he was wearing a neat tuxedo in his wedding, but he was wearing his organization's uniform—just like his wi…husband—and a veil. In his dream, he was wed with a pretty looking female, but he was wed with a pretty looking male at that time.

He looked forward now, seeing his future husband. He was only a few feet away from Kanda and he couldn't help but feel his anxiety building up. Crowley seemed to feel his tensing, because he patted Allen's hand as a reassuring gesture.

Crowley let him go when they were in front of the altar. The priest started to say his ritual wedding words after Allen stepped beside Kanda. Allen paid no attention to the priest for he was too busy trying to make himself calm and composed. Just how Kanda looked so calm and composed in their wedding was a mystery to him. And how could he hold himself back from running was even a greater mystery than that.

When they both were instructed to face each other though, Allen could see numerous emotions he thought could not be possible for a person such as Kanda to have. He did look calm and composed, but in his eyes, Allen could see confusion and also regret. It made his chest feel tighten, so he decided not to gaze further into Kanda's eyes. He focused on Kanda's right ear instead. It just wouldn't be polite if he gazed downward or even upward even if he really wanted to gaze at either of that direction instead of Kanda's right ear, anyway.

The priest continued his words and Allen found himself tuning it out again. Because of that, he almost jumped in surprise when he heard Kanda's tenor voice said, "I do."

He forced himself not to blush after he had heard that voice he had grown to love. Instead, he focused on his strength to say, "I do," just when the priest asked him.

After another session of ritual words from the priest, River came forth and he held forward a velvet cushion with a pair of platinum rings. Kanda took one and placed it on Allen's ring finger. When it was finally settled on Allen's ring finger, Allen felt a pang of happiness mixed with bitterness rose in his heart. The ring felt cold on his finger and he was feeling strange that there was an additional weight on his finger.

He then licked his lips and took a deep breath to calm himself. He took the other ring and placed it on Kanda's ring finger, while trembling. He sighed in relief inwardly when it was finally done.

They were both then asked to kiss each other. Allen gulped and he brought his face forward as Kanda descended. They shared a kiss; a wedding kiss that was no match with their first kiss. Their wedding kiss was just a simple brush of lips. They both opened their eyes in the process and quickly retreat when their lips met. Allen even thought that it should not be considered as a kiss at all.

The wedding ended just as uneventful as it had started. The priest said another long session of words concerning advice on married people and so on. After that being said, people rose from their seat to go to their respective post in the head quarters. That's all. No throwing bouquet of flowers, and not even a banquet.

Allen removed the veil from his head and he handed it to Rinali who was waiting for him. He then went out from the church with Kanda beside him while Rinali ran to her brother after saying good bye and good luck to him.

They both walked in silent until they reached Allen's room. Kanda broke the silence by saying, "Rest."

Allen was too tired to think about anything, so he obeyed Kanda's word. He flopped to his bed after he had opened the door to his room, while Kanda did not move an inch from his place in front of Allen's door. Kanda just stared at him. When he could not stand Kanda staring at him anymore, Allen sighed loudly and put an arm over his closed eyes. "What is it?" he said.

Kanda did not answer his question quickly. He just said, "Nothing," after a few moments and then he was gone.

Allen felt Kanda left and he muttered under his breath, "Some husband he is."

Allen sighed afterward. No matter what, he still had to accept that Kanda Yuu was indeed his husband now and nothing might change that except for death itself. Knowing that he could do nothing more and feeling so tired beyond measure, he then willed himself to sleep. He entrusted himself to the realm of dream, so he could just forget on what happened that day. But even in his dream he still could not get away from a certain man whom he had been officially wedded with. He just could not shove Kanda's face out of his mind, whether it was under his awareness or not, and it made him so depressed that he felt like crying.

It was pathetic, he thought bitterly as tears descended down his cheeks. He was indeed so pathetic.

The next day, and the day after that Allen found himself falling to a routine he never thought would be happening in his life. At the morning, even though it was still on the crack of dawn, Kanda always accompanied him in facing his morning sickness. As how he could know when Allen was going to meet his morning sickness, it was still a mystery to Allen. And not long after, he grew accustomed with Kanda's constant presence on the corner of his eyes, watching him silently whenever he was being sick and ready to catch him whenever he fell.

Allen noticed that Kanda never touched him unless he dropped on the floor after his good session of being sick. When he did, Kanda would then carry him gently yet swiftly in the same manner with what he did when he first found Allen vomiting in the abandoned bathroom a few weeks back. And just like that first time, Allen would always struggle fiercely when Kanda carried him, even though it was useless. He hated Kanda's way to carry him because he felt like he was a fragile princess, and it made him feel that he was weak. He did not like the word 'weak' associated to him, even though it might be justified under his condition.

His routine afterwards was to bathe as the sun had risen quite high, and after he finished bathing he would be greeted with Kanda waiting for him with breakfast. He gaped for a while on the first day of this routine, but he regained his composure quickly. He sat in front of his meals, which was still many with various kinds, courtesy of Jerry the chef. And just like lunch or dinner, after he started eating, Kanda began not long after.

And there was addition to his meals now in the shape of some colorful pills that Komui claimed as his invention to help sustaining Allen's condition during his pregnancy. Allen always hated medication but Kanda would always make sure that he ate well and also drank the strange pills that Komui gave him. Kanda would always remind him that he was carrying their child, the innocent-bearing child, if he lost his will to eat or to drink those strange pills. After making sure Allen did what he asked to, he would leave him while bringing their trays. And Allen after that found himself without anything else to do for the rest of the day.

Beside the new routine, there were some changes on Allen's cursed eye. It did not lust for Akuma's soul like usual, so Allen had his share of peace with his eye. His innocence was also more compatible with him when Hebraska checked it. It seemed that his innocence tried to cooperate with him if there were any attacks toward his child, though Allen doubted there would be any attacks from the Akuma that could reach the headquarters. But unlike his eye and innocence, there was no change on Allen and Kanda's relationship. They were still avoiding each other's gaze. They would only speak if it was really necessary and they tried to make it as short as possible.

Allen tried to think about Kanda's reason to take care of him. Did Kanda really care for him? Or was it just because his obligation and pride that made him care for Allen? Was his care genuine? Would he still be doing this for a long time or was it just a post-marriage syndrome (even though Allen didn't know if the syndrome existed or not)? Allen's thoughts were darkened with each of his unanswered question.

And after thinking about that, he could not help but to reflect on what was happening after his last mission. That reflection made him replayed the passionate night he shared with Kanda. He could never forget that stormy night, even though he said that he understood Kanda's request for him to just forget about it. He found himself missing and wanting Kanda even more than before. And somewhat ironically, he loathed Kanda even more because he knew that Kanda would neither miss him nor want him the same way he felt about the other.

He had had some kind of hope in his heart that Kanda would love him someday. That hope rose when he saw Kanda was taking care of him everyday. He knew that Kanda might be taking care of him because of the order from Komui, but it might also be a part of his genuine care from him. He hoped that during time, Kanda would grow to love him, even if it's the slightest bit. Allen could only hope for that dream to come true.

But that hope was crushed when he overheard Kanda's conversation with Komui.

"Okay then, I would arrange a mission for you," he heard Komui says. "But are you sure you wanted to leave Allen alone?"

"Hn," Kanda said as an affirmative, "I'm asking a mission from you because I don't want to see him for a while, anyway…"

He only heard it partially and he walked away after he heard that last statement from Kanda, but for Allen it was almost as clear as day that Kanda hated him. He asked a mission from Komui because he wanted to get away from Allen's annoying presence. That must be it. Why should he hope for a man that could not love him? So he began to stop hoping for Kanda's love.

After that event, his dinner with Kanda felt terrible. They both ate with perfect silent apart from some sounds that their table wares made when they eat. Kanda ruined that perfect silence after Allen drank his pills.

"I am going for a mission tomorrow," Kanda said.

"Hn," was all Allen said while he busied himself playing with Timcanpi.

"I have asked Komui to appoint some free finders so you could be taken care of."

"You don't need to."

Kanda did not make a comment for that and he took their trays instead. He left after saying, "Take good care of our child and… also yourself when I'm gone."

When Kanda's footsteps died in his ears, Allen found himself tried so hard to not cry again because of Kanda. He hated Kanda because he made him want to cry. He hated Kanda because he made him hope. He hated Kanda because he made him love. And unreciprocated love could only cause sadness, unattainable hope could only cause despair, and unshed tears could only make them worse.

Allen did not want sadness, he did not want despair, and he knew that he could have them away by simply stop hoping, by simply stop loving. Therefore the next day, Allen did not see Kanda leaving for the next mission. Rinali had called him to do so, but he refused Rinali's pleading request. He just could not force himself to see Kanda's face after he knew he should not hope for him. He knew if he saw Kanda, his resolution to forget about him would break. And he did not know if he could bring himself to try to forget about him ever again.

Rinali was angry at him for days because of that but he could not care less. He felt his feelings had become somewhat numb.

He ate less and less in each passing day, even though he never stopped eating. His morning sickness felt worse each day. As much as he wanted to deny it, Allen knew that it was because there was no Kanda there to support him like what it had used to be before Kanda went to his mission. Allen snorted when he thought about it. Kanda knew perfectly how to make him suffer; that is, by giving him something but taking it again harshly after he started to felt comfortable with it.

His look had to be so miserable, because the finders he never even knew existed in the headquarters started to take care of him, asking what he needed from time to time. He always tried to smile, and saying that he did not need anything. Beside, how could they provide the thing that he needed if it was Kanda's love for him, the love of someone that Allen tried so hard to forget with no avail?

Instead of making him happier, all those finders did was making him more miserable. They always sent him pitiful looks, which Allen found annoying. He did not need pity from them. He needed them to be as neutral as possible as an outsider and aid him if he really needed help. His pride was wounded if they looked at him as if he was someone who was so weak and fragile that could break at any time. He never could say what was on his mind to the finders, so he just locked it in his heart and it added up his burdens. And so, he looked even more miserable on each passing day.

Rinali noticed it, and she gathered up her courage to talk to Allen. And finally, after being able to do so, she visited Allen in his room. She knocked at his door and she heard Allen asked, "Who is it?"

"It's me, Rinali," she answered.

Allen did not answer her immediately, as if thinking whether he should let her in or not. He said, "Come in," not long after and Rinali entered Allen's room.

She saw Allen was looking outside the window. Rinali did not sure about what she should say or do first, so she settled herself to ask, "How are you doing, Allen?"

"What do you see?" Allen said. He still not shifted his gaze from the window outside to Rinali.

Rinali bit her lip and she could not contain her worry much longer. "Allen, what's wrong with you and Kanda?" she blurted out the question that was plaguing her since she found out that Allen was terribly sick.

"Well, some this and that…"

"Allen Walker! Stop your self-miserable and please share your burden to me! I've told you that you should not carry your burdens alone… Please tell me something!"

Allen sighed. "I just can't get away this time, can't I?"

"Allen…"

Allen finally looked at Rinali and he said, "I…" he sighed again. "I am so pathetic."

Rinali frowned upon hearing Allen's words. Allen gestured her to sit down, and after she did so, Allen started to talk again. "Rinali, I am in love with someone who does not love me back…"

"Did you mean that Kanda did not love you?"

"Yes."

"What made you thought so?"

"He was so cold to me after our, well… you know what, and after that he asked me to forget that incident before he went out for his next mission after our mission together."

"He did?"

"Yes…" Allen sighed again. "And I just knew that he hated me… I overheard him talking to Komui that he didn't want to see me for a while. That was why he asked Komui for a mission."

"Well…" Rinali said, she thought for a while what she should say to Allen, hence a pause. She gathered the facts that Allen told him and then she said after a while, "I don't know if I should be the one who talks about this… but I think that he did not hate you. I think that he cares about you."

"He did show some care to me, but is it because of me or is it because of his obligation to take care of our baby?"

"I asked Kanda directly before you both know that you're pregnant."

Allen's eyes widened upon hearing that piece of information. "Don't lie to me, Rinali…" he said.

"And why would I lie to you, Allen? I'd rather punch Kanda hard than lie about that to you."

"But why did he… why was he…" Allen could not find a word to express his mixed thoughts. He rubbed his forehead in frustration.

"There must be some reason why Kanda said to my brother he needed to get away from you for a while. Did you listen to them until they're finished?" Rinali asked him.

Allen pondered at his question for a while and then he said, "No…"

"You must be missing something, Allen. My brother would not let Kanda to walk away while you're like this if possible."

Allen wanted to talk back to Rinali, saying that she was wrong, but he couldn't find words to counter her words. Rinali had brought back hope to him in full force.

"You make me really confused now, Rinali…" Allen said.

"If you don't want to be confused, why don't you ask Kanda yourself on how he really feel about you?"

"No," Allen firmly said. "I know it's cheesy, but I don't think I could live it down if I was turned down by him."

"But you will miss your chance of happiness if you don't try…"

Allen put his hands on his face, trying to control the hopes and dreams that started to build again within his heart. He just knew if he failed, it would be really the end of him. He would fall really hard this time if he did what Rinali had suggested to do and was turned down. Not knowing what to do, for he was sure that Rinali would raise his hopes more if he tried to resist, Allen finally said to Rinali, "I need a walk to think about it all over again."

"Should I accompany you?" Rinali asked.

"Thank you, but I need to think this alone."

"I see…" Rinali said. "It's your life anyway, I'm sorry if it seemed like I was rude to tell you on what to do and suddenly stick my nose at your business."

"It's okay… I know that you were just trying to help. But really, Rinali, you made my world spinning uncertainly right now."

"Someone should tell you that you really should think it over again…"

"Don't be disappointed if the result wasn't like on what you had hoped."

Rinali smiled. "Somehow I'm sure that it would."

Allen rolled his eyes. "I'm going then," he said.

Rinali just nodded and under her watchful gaze Allen went away though Allen himself was not sure where should he go to. When he came out from his room, he just let his feet bring him to whatever place as long as it was not crowded with people. He could not think if there were other people there, especially if they were looking at him with their pitiful looks. But he did not think that his feet would bring him to the chapel, where he was married with a certain beautiful male some weeks prior. His heart felt the warmth tinged with bitterness when he remembered their marriage.

He seated himself on one of the long benches inside the chapel and started to think. Did he really miss something about how Kanda acted toward him? Was it really just like Rinali said, that Kanda was actually care about him? Could he hope for Kanda? And if he could, what could he do to know what was Kanda's exact feelings for him? What should he do if he turned out not thinking of him as nothing more than a friend? Would he hate him if he told him about his feelings? Should their child born without the love between the two of them?

It all was so confusing. Kanda Yuu had really made a good work to make his world all revolving around him now. Allen did not find the answers of his questions while he thought hard in the chapel. Sighing in exasperation, he decided he could do no better thing by just sitting there. He still did not know of what he should do, what he should tell to Kanda if they ever met again, but no matter how hard he forced his mind to work, he still could not get the answers for his confusion. In the end, he felt all of his confusion consuming him, making him see the world spurring before his eyes.

He rose from his bench, trying to walk but came to no avail. A wave of dizziness and nausea hit him and he found himself swaying. He was well aware that the priest was nowhere to be seen in the chapel when he arrived, so there would be no one that would help him right away if he passed out. He muttered, "Not now…" as pain started throbbing in his head. He tried to make himself stand still by clutching a nearby bench, but even his grip felt weak. His vision blurred and he soon willed himself to fall to the ground, devoured by the welcoming darkness.

Strange as it was, that moment Allen could only think of how Kanda was always there to catch him whenever he fell. Always, yet that time, he was not.

-end chapter 6-

(A/N: this chapter is confusing the author, so if you get confused in reading it, don't worry, you're not the only one. The strangest thing is, we don't even know what makes us so confused about this chapter. We just read it together after it's finished then one of us got 'I'm kinda confused' and we all then felt the same. Gah! It's really confusing… but anyway, let's not talk about confusion and instead, let's talk about REVIEWS! Yeah, thank you for your kind reviews for this story. They help us a lot, so THANK YOU! Guess what, we're thinking of giving you a treat. Yay! So, please do review… anything is fine. And to all of you our most beloved anonymous reviewers, could you put your email address in your review so that we can thank you all properly and personally and.. err… deliver our treat… that is… ahahaha… why the hell do we laugh anyway? Gah… tell you what, this is all so damn CONFUSING! So, we better end this now. Thank you for reading, hope you have a great time, and don't forget to review…)