Title: Shattered Innocence

Author: DnKS-giRLs

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Kanda-Allen

Disclaimers: so not ours… damn!

Warning: it's yaoi, it's sappy, it's OOC, but you'll love to read it… we know you will…

Chapter 7 - Bringing Together

The soft nudge on his forearm stopped Kanda from whatever thought he had in his mind that time. He stared coolly at the one who had given him that touch and for a moment he thought of seeing a flash of grey eyes and white hair before it dissipated into a face of a finder who was appointed to support him in his mission.

"We have reached the headquarters, Sire," the finder said, much to Kanda's surprise. He did not even realize that they had arrived. His mind had recently been taken by his more urgent matters, which involved someone named Allen Walker… No, he should not be named Allen Walker again now, not after he had taken the boy to be his faithful spouse for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for the rest of their life.

Well, at least that was what the priest told them in their wedding ceremony.

Kanda released a breath and straightened up. His mission had ended sooner than he had previously expected, not that he minded about that. From the very first, he only wanted this mission as a reason to be away just for a while from Allen, for the boy's sake… for their sake, if there had ever been any 'their' on the first place.

It was then, just after he stepped inside the main hallway of the headquarters, that he spotted Rinali walking toward him. He frowned in the sight of the said girl for - truth was told - she surely emitted a homicidal aura while she was walking toward him. He knew by looking at it that Rinali was terribly upset, and it was not good. The word 'Rinali' and 'upset' never resulted well when they came up together in a sentence.

"Kanda Yuu," she began after having stopped a few feet away from him. "Excuse me for what I'm going to say, but what do you think you're doing? Why did you suddenly ask for a mission and leave Allen like that?"

Kanda more or less was confused as to why the girl suddenly brought Allen as the first thing to start their conversation. It was odd enough that Rinali actually welcomed him with her fierce glare and sharp tone and a look that said she would surely make him suffer if he did not answer right.

"I just needed to think," he said.

"Right!" Rinali rolled her eyes. She did not even ask what Kanda was thinking about for she was sure what made Kanda have to clear his mind. "You're worrying yourself over him and he's worrying himself over you. You two really need to clear things up between you two. Even I can see that!"

He frowned at the mention of Allen worrying over him. He never thought that Allen would be doing such things. Seeing that Allen was not there, he couldn't help himself from asking, "Where's that sprout anyway?"

"He said that he needed some time along to think," Rinali said before gave him a sharper glare than before if that was even possible. "But you, young man, I will see you searching for him and explain yourself to him before his condition becomes worse than what it is now. Do I make myself clear?"

Kanda was stunned. Dealing with an angry Rinali was not his everyday menu thus he was not ready when being faced with such situation. But seeing the glint in the girl's eyes, he managed to say, "Very clear."

Hearing that, Rinali beamed a smile and departed after saying her usual greeting to him. The drastic change took him aback a bit; it actually could do greater effect if his mind was not more occupied with what Rinali had just said about Allen's condition.

"Before his condition becomes worse than what it is now…" he whispered. Somehow those words plagued him with their hidden meaning that Allen's condition was bad enough at the time being.

He cursed and quickly started walking down the hallway. His report could wait. For now he only wanted to check on Allen. That boy was miserable enough when he left him and he knew he was the cause of his unhappiness. He knew he was the cause of the other's uneasiness. He knew that his presence was the one that caused Allen to be hurt so much and he did not know what he should do to make it better. He figured the boy needed his time alone, as much as he too needed it. He needed to cope up with his guilt; he needed to know how his feeling toward Allen really was, he needed to think, to clear up his mind concerning things that came so sudden into his life.

Maybe his mind was too engaged in thinking over matters. Maybe his mind was too busy sorting out conclusions. Maybe his mind was too concerned in a certain boy he felt so dear, so that Kanda did not put any attention on where his feet brought him to. He finally stopped dead on his track when he realized that instead of taking him to Allen's room, his feet had brought him to the small chapel in which Allen had been wedded to him just a few weeks prior. He stared at the open grand doors and vaguely wondered why he was standing there before his eyes swept through the insides of the beautifully carved room.

There were many things that he expected to see but a figure lying cold on the floor was surely not among them. The flash of spilling white hair gave out the person's identity and Kanda found himself running faster than ever to the person's side. He quickly took him into his arms and when he turned the limp body in his arms, his eyes met the sight of Allen's pale face. The boy had his eyes closed and his breath was raging. Kanda in concern touched the boy's forehead and his worry deepened when he felt heat radiating from there.

Allen was sick. He was pale, he was thin, he had a fever, and what else Kanda did not know. Kanda cursed as he felt how Allen shivering in his arms. He tightened his hold around the other's body and carefully lifted him. With ease he managed to carry Allen down the hall, recalling so many times before he had done that thing. He carried him until they reached Allen's bedroom, ignoring looks from the insignificant people in the headquarters, and he gently laid Allen on his bed. Without any intention to leave him alone in that kind of condition, Kanda brought a chair to the side of Allen's bed and sat there. His hand reached forward to play with Allen's soft hair with a sad yet gentle expression plastered on his face.

"Don't you know how much worry you've caused on me, you stupid sprout?" he whispered slowly though he knew Allen would not able to hear him. The boy was still sleeping. His fever had not gone and Kanda having realized that went to the bathroom only to be back again some moment later with a basin filled with cold water and a piece of rag. He dipped the rag to the water, gently squeezed it, and then placed it on Allen's forehead, hoping that it would bring down his fever.

His heart was hurting whenever he saw Allen in that kind of condition. Allen that he knew was someone who was so strong and brave, and to have Allen helpless in his arms was something that even Kanda Yuu felt so heartbreaking. And that was really something considering the fact that there was only a few number of things he allowed to reach his heart, not to mention to break it.

He reached forward to fix the blanket upon the sleeping boy. He leaned over and without knowing why, he suddenly found his lips brushing ever so gently over Allen's lips. It seemed so natural to do such thing, and just after their lips had parted that he finally realized what he had done.

He had just kissed Allen.

Kanda pulled his face away from Allen as if he was afraid of being burnt. Silently he cursed his racing heartbeats to slow down their pace as Allen stirred in his sleep. When the boy finally opened his eyes fully, Kanda had entirely regained his composure and stared at him in the most dignified manner he could pull out at that time.

"Where…" he heard Allen trying to speak with his weak voice.

"You're in your room," Kanda said. His voice made Allen turn his head to his direction but as soon as their eyes met, Allen quickly averted his gaze. Seeing that, Kanda felt a wave of bitterness rising from the depth of his heart. Did Allen hate his presence that much that he couldn't bear to see him?

"I saw you lying unconscious on the chapel floor so I brought you here," Kanda explained. As he spoke, he saw Allen attempting to get up. Out of habit, he extended his hands and helped the boy to sit on his bed after removing the now-warm rag from his forehead.

"Thank you…" Allen mumbled weakly.

"My pleasure," Kanda courteously replied. He checked Allen's temperature with the back of his palm and was relieved when he noticed the fever was gone. At first he thought it to be worsened after seeing the redness of Allen's cheeks. Involuntarily he ran his palm over Allen's flushed cheeks and the redness there grew deeper. It made him become somehow more endearing than usual.

Becoming conscious of his act, Kanda stopped and drew back his palm from Allen's pale face. Pale face, Kanda thought, since when Allen was that pale?

"What happened?" Kanda asked. Allen flinched uncomfortably in his bed but made no attempt to actually answer his question. Therefore he decided to prod his question further.

"Rinali was literally fuming on me when I just set my feet on the headquarters. She told me to clear things up between us," Kanda said. "And after that I found you unconscious and really sick. I know there is something, so what happened?"

Allen opened his mouth. His eyes made contact with Kanda's and for once he didn't break the contact by looking away. Kanda noticed that he seemed to be so lost and confused.

"Tell me," Kanda said as gentle as he could which meant he did not shout them out loud.

Allen gulped, and when he opened his mouth, only one word came out.

"Nothing…"

Kanda had to hold onto every bit of self-control he had in him to prevent him from going rampant and just forcing the answer out of Allen's lips. Instead of doing those, he chose to calm his breath down and repeat his question.

"If there's really nothing, you wouldn't pass out in the chapel and Rinali wouldn't look like she was going to murder me. Now tell me, bean sprout, what happened?"

Allen seemed once again stuttered for words, a sight that both amused him and annoyed him at that time being.

"I… it's…" Allen said and Kanda waited patiently. His hope rose only to be dropped down again when Allen said his magic word, "Nothing…"

Kanda felt his face twitched. His patience was growing thin. He was tired, he had not slept for three days straight, he was just back from his mission to find his spouse terribly sick and all he wanted was some words of explanation yet he only got as far as 'nothing'.

Standing from his chair, Kanda approached Allen's bed. He sat himself down beside Allen and turned his face toward the other. He pulled Allen's shoulders closer to him so that their faces were only inches apart. He was just about to beseech him further but stopped at a certain sight that met his eyes.

Allen was blushing.

Kanda swore by whatever deity up there that Allen was indeed blushing. His cheeks were tainted with the most enchanting shade of red. The boy before him had his face look downward but he missed not the slight tremble he possessed on the corner of his lips. In his eyes, Allen looked like a nervous maiden in the sight of her loved one.

The thought hit Kanda faster than a train. He could not believe it at first. Was it possible that Allen… really…

He raised one of his hands and tilted Allen's face upwards. The boy's blush was intensified as Kanda swept his gaze across Allen's fair façade. There was no doubt then. Allen was indeed blushing and it was because of… him…?

"Are you in love with me?"

Kanda was so shocked that those words could come out from his lips. He even didn't realize that he was about to utter that very question and just after the words had flew gracefully from his lips did he find himself thinking of what he had done.

He eyed Allen who had his eyes widened and his mouth slightly parted in disbelief. Fear was apparent on Allen's face and he tried to release himself from Kanda's gaze. But Kanda let no such thing to happen. He held Allen's face firmly yet tenderly on its respective place.

"Tell me, Allen," he said. His use of Allen's Christian name gave shock to the both of them. "Are you in love with me?"

"You want me to tell you? Fine!" suddenly Allen said, or more likely he nearly shouted at him as he somehow succeeded in releasing himself from Kanda's hold. "I am in love with you! Yes, that's true. I love you, Kanda Yuu. I've been in love with you for so long. I can say that I'm madly in love with you even though I know that you don't love me back. I loved you then, I love you now, and in general, yes, I am in love with you. So what?"

Kanda thought about that for a moment. The information was overwhelming and in his amazement he could only say, "I have a feeling you are…"

That statement awarded him a hard slap across his face. Allen hit his cheek hard and he could only stare in bewilderment at the said boy who was now stiffening a cry. He could see that Allen tried so hard not to cry yet there were still trails of tears visible on his face.

"Just what's that supposed to mean?" Allen shouted. "You have a feeling that I love you? And for this long you're laughing behind me aren't you? You know how pathetic I am. You know perfectly how I've fallen for you and you…"

Kanda stopped him in the middle of his rant by pulling him into his embrace. He secured his arms around Allen's body which shook violently because of his sobs. He ran his one hand on Allen's back meanwhile the other was gently holding Allen's head close to his chest.

"Just… what is this… supposed to mean…?" he heard Allen says between his sobs.

"Let's just say that the feeling is mutual," he whispered.

"Then why…?" Allen raised his teary face and stared at Kanda in perplexity. "Why did you ask me to forget? Why did you never say anything to me? Why did you leave me? Why did you never show that you love me? Why…"

Kanda saw that every inch of Allen screaming for an explanation. He blinked his eyes; carefully picking his word for he knew just one mistake could ruin everything. He just needed one slip of his tongue to ruin him and Allen and whatever thing existed between them.

"I felt regret," he said.

Allen lowered his head down, "Regret of loving me?"

"No," he raised Allen's face upward to meet his eyes again. "Regret of having done these many mistakes to you. Regret of forcing you into a point without any turning back. Regret of taking something very precious from you."

"Something… precious…?" Allen said.

"Your freedom, your dignity, your pride," Kanda explained. "Your innocence."

He saw Allen bit his lower lip and then the said boy chuckled a little. "You did not take my innocence; you gave life to one inside me."

Kanda snorted, "It's relieving to see that there's still one of us who can see the amusing part of this."

"Somebody has to," Allen said. There was a long pause after he said that and before he continued by saying, "Are you saying that you were avoiding me because you felt guilty toward me or is there any other reason?"

"I needed to clear my mind, to reflect on what is my true feeling for you," Kanda said. "That, and also because I thought you hated me."

"And why did you think about something like that?" Allen said.

"You were avoiding me," Kanda stated as-a-matter-of-factly.

They both fell into silence after that statement. Allen had dropped his head and laid his cheek against Kanda's chest now. Kanda almost thought the boy had fallen asleep when he heard him speak.

"I thought you hated me," Allen said. "It hurts, you know, to love somebody that you thought didn't love you back. I mean…" he sighed. "I think I was just being stupid… we were just… too confused..."

"You can tell that," Kanda said.

"Kanda, I…"

"Calling yourself?" Kanda cut him. He felt Allen stilled then his soft laugh permeated the air.

"Yes, I forgot that I'm also a Kanda now," he said. Gently he exerted himself so he was now within an arm length from Kanda and stared deeply into his eyes.

"Yuu," he said. The sound of his given name coming from Allen's lips was strange to his ears yet he loved it instantly. "I need to ask this to you… Is this merely based on your pity toward me? Because if it is, then you better stop right now because I want no pity from you."

Upon hearing that, Kanda brought their face closer and without admonition he kissed Allen fully on his lips. The boy was flabbergasted after he finished kissing him but he forced him to stare into his eyes so that he knew how genuine his words were.

"Does that feel like pity for you?' he asked.

"Well… no…" Allen mumbled with his face once again had rivalled the redness of a peach.

"I assure you, whatever thing that based my feelings for you, it's not merely pity," Kanda said again.

He saw how those words of his could finally make a real smile apparent on Allen's face. For once he felt like he was seeing the old Allen who was always full of life. For once, he was proud of himself for finally able to bring that smile to his face again. For once he thought that all those times of confusion and fear was finally settled up. For once he dared his fingers to touch Allen's lips, silently hoping that they would never show sorrow again. Let them only express joyful smile forever, he thought. He had caused Allen so many discontents, so many grieves, so many sorrows that he couldn't have the boy experience again.

His hand moved and settled on Allen's abdomen, the most unadulterated proof of what had happened between them. His fingers soothingly pressed to the flesh and he let those strong emotions of satisfaction and love rule over him for a moment.

"We will face this together," Kanda said. "And I still won't approve if you try any mean to give up halfway."

Allen smiled and placed his own palm over Kanda's, "The same goes for you."

They remained like that for some times before Kanda finally stood up. He gave Allen one last reassuring look as he said, "Rest now, you still need it."

"Where are you going?" Allen asked with a slight of panic in his voice.

"I just want to give my report on the mission," Kanda said, but sensing the other's uneasiness, he allowed himself to actually sit back and stared at him. "Is there something wrong?"

"No, I… I mean… I just…" Allen tried to speak. "I want you to be here with me while I'm sleeping."

Kanda pondered that idea for a while. As lovely as it sounded, he knew that he might not stand it, given with it a certain fact.

"I can't promise you anything," he said in his serious tone. "If I stay here, I might do something to you, something that I could not control. I don't want to cause you any discomfort so just tell me now and I'll silently leave."

Allen smiled to him, "I know that yet I still want you to stay."

He stared at the smiling boy in front of him. The meaning behind those words was understood as clear as the daylight to both of them. It was not long before they both found themselves kissing yet again with more heated passion than before. It was not long before they found themselves tangled amid the bed sheets. It was not long before they felt the restriction of their clothes became something unbearable to them.

And all of those made Kanda involuntarily replay their liaison a few months back before that time. It felt so alike, yet so different. It was so alike in the way their lips searching for each other and how their hands reaching for one another. Yet it was also so different because now he had Allen who was smiling in content under him, whispering softly the words that he never thought before he would ever hear from the boy.

"Love me."

- end chapter 7 -

(A/N: okay, this is when we all go 'Aawwwww….' Come on, we KNOW you want to. Say it together: 'Aawwwww…!' that's it… they're finally together. But don't expect no problem ahead. It's just not fun to have two pretty boys loving each other without problem, right (laugh). So, whatever you think about this chap, please let us know by your reviews. This is the indirect way of saying 'We want your reviews!' in case you don't notice (laugh). And thank you for all your support until now. Though recently nature is not so kind to us… we experienced so many earthquakes in these past few weeks (cry) and storms, and sickness, and floods… it almost seems like we're banned from writing! Ah, well, maybe it's better to stop this rambling author's note. So, we love you all, hope you like this chapter, and we are expecting your reviews as always (smile) see you next chapter!)