Title: Shattered Innocence

Author: DnKS-giRLs

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Kanda-Allen

Disclaimers: Um, do you really need this to know that D.Gray-man didn't belong to us?

Warning: shounen-ai, angst, major OOCness

Chapter 11 – Visits

While Kanda was still busy in his mission, Allen found himself in quite a predicament. Sitting in front of his desk was his worst nightmare in the name of General Cross Marian, who came into his room just a minute ago, saying, "You idiot disciple!" as his first greeting to Allen after they had never seen each other for a long time.

He entered Allen's room without any further words and now, Cross was currently playing with Timcanpi, while Allen sat in front of him, trembling. Cross faced him after a while, and he asked, more like ordered, "Are you not going to serve me something, idiot?"

"Y-y-yes master, right away!" he said quickly and he stood up. He went out and asked some finders that were stationed outside his room to bring some tea before finally coming back to his position before. He glanced at Cross with fear apparent on his face. His master had not said anything about why he came to see Allen. Did he know about Allen being pregnant and so came to visit him? Did he know about Kanda?

The tea thankfully came not long after, and Cross sipped his tea before saying his words again to Allen. "Now, tell me what happened," Allen bit his lower lip upon hearing Cross' words. "Why does your stomach bulge with a child and why did you wear that stupid floating dress? You were a male, right? And who is this Kanda thingie that made you pregnant?"

"Yuu is not a thing, master," Allen said, quite upset that his Yuu was addressed as a 'thing'. As much as he was angry at him right now and as much as he feared his master, Kanda was still his spouse.

Cross raised his eyebrow when he heard Allen stood up for someone in front of him. That Kanda must really be something.

"Whatever," he said simply. "I did not ask if he was a thing or not, you imbecile. Would you be smart enough to answer my question now?"

"Y-yes master!" Allen said, regaining his fearfulness for his master. "Um…the truth is that…well…um…"

"Be quick with your words."

"Yes, well, Master, um, you see…Yuu and I were sent to a mission, and there, an innocence somehow entered my body. And then…well…you see…Yuu and I…" Allen stopped and blushed like a red ruby. "He and I…um…."

"Did he force you to do it?" Cross said with a menacing smile.

Allen, afraid of what his master would do to Kanda, said quickly, "No, master! Yuu would not do such a thing…"

"God has just saved that poor child's soul," Cross grunted.

Allen sighed in relief and wanted to say thank you to his master for sparing Kanda, but before it could happen, Cross continued his words.

"But, my hammer might want to say something to him…" he said it with a sinister smile, making Allen trembled and fear for Kanda's safety.

"No, master! Please! I beg of you!" he pleaded, "Please don't hurt Yuu!"

"Hmph, I'll consider it for your child's sake, but I can't promise anything."

Allen sighed in relief again. Really, his master was someone who liked to put people's heart in fear and shock. "Tell me about your condition now," Cross said. "How long your pregnancy has been?"

"I believe that I'm already at my 26th week of pregnancy, Master."

"It's already more than six months then…" Cross paused. He then said after a while, "And who's the pervert that had made you wear that dress?"

"Well, Komui wasn't really a pervert…"

"Komui? I'll definitely visit that man, then," Cross said again with his sinister laugh.

"Um, Master, I believe Komui did not mean any bad thoughts… There are no other clothes that could fit on me, so Komui assigned me to wear this."

"You are really an idiot disciple," Cross said. "If he wanted to aid you, then he should be more considerate at your well-being when he picked your clothes."

Allen blinked when he heard Cross' words. Did he hear it right? Did his master was just being considerate of his well-being? Did his master hit his head hard enough before his visit to Allen to think about his well-being?

"He should pick you a dress that would show the utmost of your sensuality. What was in the man's thought when he put you in that dress?" Right, trust his master to be the pervert. "I think that that Kanda of yours could appreciate something more like a… yukata. He was from Japan, right? Would you imagine what his face would look like when he saw you with a black silk yukata that was knot loosely with a white obi? Damn, I still remember those sexy women I met when I had mission in Gion. I bet his reaction will be similar to mine when I saw those women. He would be drowned in the pools of blood when he saw you with that yukata," Cross said with a smirk.

Allen blushed when he heard Cross' words. "Please don't make weird suggestion, Master…" he said.

He regretted his words when he saw Cross glaring at him, definitely didn't accept that his disciple was defying his words. "Now, talking about the one who took your virginity, where is he?"

Allen face saddened when he remembered Kanda again. "He is in a mission, Master."

"And he left a six month pregnant person here? What a guy…"

Allen did not answer that, for he was also disappointed by Kanda's late return. Seeing his disappointed face, Cross asked, "Do you really love him?"

Allen blinked at that question and said, "Yes, master."

"Did he love you?"

"Well… he… implied it…"

"So he did not say that directly?"

"…not… yet, Master…"

"I think I'd like to have some delightful moments of nattering with this Kanda guy," Cross said with a sigh. Without any word of goodbye he rose from his seat and then started to walk away.

"Where are you going, Master?"

"Looking for a worthy woman in this dull headquarters. There bound to be someone pretty enough for me here."

Allen sighed. That was his master, alright. "Will you be staying here until I give birth to my child?"

"Hn," was all Cross said before he continue his step.

Allen smiled hearing that. Even though Cross had given him many hard times, he was still the one that helped him when he was breaking because of Mana's death. If Cross did not find him that day, he didn't think he would be here, or even alive. So, he wanted the one who gave him light for his life saw his newborn baby arriving at this cruel yet sweet world.

Feeling very grateful because his master would wait for his baby's arrival, Allen voiced his feeling. "Thank you, Master," he said

Cross stopped on his step when he heard Allen's gratitude and he said, "Tell me Allen, are you happy with him as your spouse?"

"Well…"

"Do not hesitate. Answer me with a 'yes' or 'no'."

Allen gulped. He thought again about his time with Kanda. Even though Kanda had given him hard times, he remembered the good times that could drive away his bad memories. And when he remembered it all again, he said with a firm voice, "Yes, master. I am happy enough with him."

"I have your words then," Cross said and then he walked out from Allen's room, leaving Allen all by himself again. Allen sighed in relief. His master might be the one giving him many nightmares and fears, but… it was nice to talk to him again. And he did not deny that he had another reason of why he was happy in having his master there, which he hoped would somehow drive Kanda's image out of his mind.

But it seemed that even if he had hoped his master's arrival would occupied his mind instead of Kanda, Allen found his morning was as bad as his usual one after Kanda left him for longer than one month. He found himself alone and cold on the large bed that was usually occupied with two people. He did not comprehend why he had still not adapted to the fact that Kanda was still in his mission and not with him. Then his anger to Kanda rose again after remembering his late mission completion.

He bathed with a bad mood and after that he decided to just sulk on his room rather than work at the kitchen as usual. It was just not his day. Rinali would come sooner or later anyway so he didn't have the motivation to work. He wanted to wait for Rinali here because he was aching to talk about his frustration to her.

What he didn't expect before Rinali's visit to his room was him hearing sounds of deep footsteps with a quick pace coming to the direction of his room. He knew those footsteps and that pace, but he thought that he was being delusional. His heart thumped when he heard the sounds died in front of his room's door and followed by a door harshly opened. He did not, he had never expected to see his spouse, the long-haired man that was leaving him for two months, was there standing in front of the door.

His eyes bulged in disbelief and he blinked for a few times. He still couldn't register the fact that Kanda was already back, yet he found himself suddenly embraced by the warmth that was familiar for him. Kanda had really come back.

Allen wanted to return Kanda's embrace, but a part of him that was still confused of what to do or what to say to Kanda after their long separation. So when Kanda released him from his embrace to kiss him, Allen shoved him away. In doing it, he felt a little wicked satisfaction but at the same time he too felt regret.

He felt Kanda tensed and shortly after, his voice came saying, "Are we into this again?"

Allen did not say anything in return. Kanda sighed in frustration. "What is your problem now?"

Allen felt something snapped out in his mind and his frustration that was build up when he was waiting for Kanda came out from their cell. "What is my problem now?" he said, his tone laced with anger. "My problem is you, Kanda Yuu! Why didn't you come back at the time you tell me, you're late! Terribly late at that!"

"I'm sorry about that, my mission was prolonged and I…"

"I don't want to hear your excuses!" Allen cut him shortly. He wanted no excuse. He just wanted to unleash his anger. "You forgot about me and our child, didn't you? You were too caught up on you mission in Japan, didn't you?"

"Stop it, Allen! I would never forget about you or our child!"

"Don't lie to me! You didn't care about us waiting here for you, didn't you? If you indeed care then why didn't you come back quickly? Why didn't you send us some news?"

"I am not lying to you, Allen. I had already told you that my mission was prolonged and I think you know already from Komui that I couldn't communicate much because of some problems in this mission."

"Liar!" Allen seethed. Something in the back of his mind whispered to him to just stop before he brought them into any worse state but he tried not to care at that tiny voice. "You just don't care about us! You could've come back sooner and not leaving us here!"

Kanda's face twitched. "Why are you being so selfish?"

"Couldn't I be selfish once in a while? Why can't you understand how lonely and depressed I was?"

"It's not that I didn't try to come back earlier!"

"Then if you really try that hard why did you still come back late?"

"Damn it, Allen! Did your really pay attention to my explanation earlier?" Kanda shouted. At his shout, Allen fell silent. His eyes widened in shock and disbelief. Had Kanda just shouted at him? He never did that after they reconciled.

He saw the man give him one angry look before he left him to the door. He wanted to call him but he did not know what to say. It the end it was Kanda who turned his face to him and stared coldly at him.

"I have enough of this!" he said with his voice matched the coldness of a wintry night. "Clear that mind of yours and think better of what I have said!"

With that said, Kanda slammed the door shut behind him harshly. "Yuu, you stupid!" Allen shouted as he threw a pillow to the abused door. He bit his lower lip hard. This was not the thing he thought he would do to Kanda the first time he saw him come back. He wanted to hug him, wanted to kiss, wanted to say how much he missed him, but that wants was all shot down by his anger at Kanda.

He was tired, he was confused, he was frustrated and he leashed all of that to Kanda as soon as he got back. But he expected Kanda to understand him, he expected Kanda to forgive him, he expected Kanda to listen to him and tell him what happened on his mission patiently. He didn't expect that Kanda would also be angry at him.

When Allen reflected on what he had done, there's a knock on the door and he heard Rinali's voice. "I'm coming in, Allen," she said.

Allen knew that it would be wasting his breath if he told Rinali to leave, so he decided to let her enter his room silently. Rinali brought a chair to face him in his bed and she started to talk. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but my God… Allen, I'm surprised that both of you had a fight right after Kanda get back."

"Well it's not really my fault."

"Is this what you wanted to talk yesterday? What happened?"

"I was disappointed at Yuu because he didn't keep his word of coming back after one month," he answered.

Rinali rolled her eyes. "So you're angry at him because of that simple reason?"

"It's not simple, Rinali," Allen said between his gritted teeth. "It's big enough for me."

"I don't understand, Allen… I know that it was hard for you to be separated from each other, but aren't you going too far as to be angry and shouted at him?"

"I'm going too far? You really did not know or understand anything, didn't you Rinali?"

Rinali gave him a confused look. "Of course you didn't," Allen said after seeing it. "You were not the pregnant one, trying to wait patiently for your spouse to come home. He was saying that he would be back in one month, and when it had already past one month, you were not the one who kept hoping and asking when he would come back. You were not the one that kept wondering if he was alright, did he ate well, did he think about me and his child waiting for him, would he be alright in Japan, would he cheat from you because of another person he found on his mission, and would you lose him because of some stupid long-term mission…"

"Allen…"

"And of course you didn't understand a thing. Of course you didn't know how it felt to be so alone and cold at night without him by your side. Of course you didn't know how insecure it felt without him by your side. Of course you didn't know how insecure it felt when your spouse never even told you that he loves you," Allen started to feel teardrops forming in his eyes and notwithstanding himself, he cursed inwardly.

Allen continued his rant despite of tears running on his cheeks. His voice trembled when he continued, "You did not know how it felt to love someone again after losing someone that was so important to you before in your life. You did not know how the fear forming in your heart to lose someone you hold so important in your heart again. If you did, you know that you would start to feel depressed; you would start to think irrational. You would start to be angry at him. Because you can't do anything else. Because you don't know anything about him. You don't understand me because you are not the one that could only sit here, waiting, hoping that you were not that weak to help him. You are not the one that was usually could do so much for him and so much for another people yet you could not do anything right now…" And he started to sob right there.

"Damn it, Rinali…What can I do? What am I supposed to do? You don't… you don't understand how it feels… to be so confused and how it felt… that there's nothing you can do except to wait… It's sickening… It was like you were drowning in the sea of nothingness and you could not struggle at all… All you can do is to see that your being is going to be ceased into nothing… And… And all you can do to fill your empty heart is to pour it with anger and the question 'why' if you did not want it to be filled with… loneliness instead... And I really hate it… I really hate that loneliness… I hate it even more after I knew what it feels like not to… not to feel lonely again… So what… what can I do… what should I do?"

Rinali heart seemed to break when she heard Allen's mouth pouring all of his frustration in front of her. She didn't know what she would say to Allen. Would it be alright for her to say a few things to Allen, she did not know. But she knew that she should try her luck and do what she could do. And so, she bumped Allen's head with his clenched fist, ignoring her instinct that she should not hit someone who was pregnant.

"Allen, you idiot! Of course I don't understand you!" Rinali shouted. She did not really like the fact that she was shouting at Allen now, but her instinct told her that it was the best way to make Allen woke up from his state of depression. "I'm not you! But did you really perfectly understand Kanda either?"

"No…but…"

"Then you have no right to just go and make assumptions then go worrying about what he thought or done!"

"But he…"

"You better say no 'but' again now, Allen! Think about it carefully and clearly. Did you really listen to what Kanda said about why he came home late?"

Allen stopped his sobbing as he tried to recall Kanda's words to him a while ago even though his tears didn't stop running wildly down his cheek. "Well… he said that his mission was prolonged…"

"Then just believe that was happened! Did he come back safely now?'

"Well yes…"

"Then there's no use to fume about how you depressed about him on your nights here! He's back safe and sound… Isn't that the most important thing that matters to you?"

Allen nodded dumbly.

Rinali then took another intake of breath and said, "Even though he never said 'I love you' to you, didn't he already show you how much he loves you without words? Do you still doubt the feelings that he projected through his actions?"

He thought about it again and recalled the same memories that he did when he tried to answer Cross' question if he was happy with Kanda or not. "No…" he finally said after a few moments. "But…"

Rinali cut him before he continued, "So there's no need for him to voice out his thoughts directly, right? I somewhat know Kanda quite well, young man, and he was not one to back up at his own words. He was not also the one to cheat and I just know that he would always remember you and your child, being a man he is."

Rinali took a deep breath before continuing, "And oh please, Allen, you are not useless. You could make yourself useful by helping the finders here, and more importantly," Rinali paused for while," you could have greeted him with a smile and a kiss when your husband came back from his exhausting mission, you know?"

Allen nodded uncertainly. Not satisfied with that, Rinali asked to Allen, "Allen Walker Kanda, you heard and do understand my words, right?"

Allen bit his lower lip upon hearing Rinali said the name 'Kanda' attached to him. It reminded him of his status and the duty that came with it. "Yes," he said softly.

"Then think about it all over again with clear mind, Allen… think about Kanda… think about what you wanted to do the most with him."

Allen started to think while he still bit his lower lip. He started to digest all the things that Kanda and Rinali said to him. He started to calm himself and think clearly about his situation. He thought about himself, Kanda, and their child. When he grabbed his situation with clear thoughts and realized that he had hurt Kanda that was expecting him to welcome him happily, he cried again while saying, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…"

Rinali gave him a loose embrace as she said to Allen, "I'm sorry too for not being able with you when you're alone. I'm so very sorry Allen…"

"I could have been more considerate…"

"Well, I think that you were too depressed to do that…"

"What have I done?" Allen put his hands on his teary face. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"

Rinali sighed deeply. "Allen, save your apologies to the person whom you need the most right now, okay?"

Allen nodded and he wiped his tears away. "Well then, I believe that you would try to talk again to Kanda?" Rinali asked. She wiped the tears that were forming in the corner of her eyes too.

Allen nodded again. Rinali patted his head with a smile and then she said, "I'll ask some finders to bring some drink for you."

"Rinali," Allen said with a hoarse voice resulted from his cry. "Thank you very much… I'm really indebted to you."

Rinali smiled broadly. "Don't worry, Allen… I just want two pieces of my world to be happy because of each other."

Allen smiled back at Rinali and said, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Rinali said finally. She then walked out of his room to call some finders.

Allen sighed as he rested himself in his and Kanda's bed. He hoped that Kanda would be back to their room soon. There are so many things that he wanted to say to him, and there are so many things that he wanted to do with him. When he thought about that, he smiled. He could wait for Kanda to do the things he wanted to do. He believed that Kanda would be back soon. Or at least he believed that Kanda would be back eventually. After all, he already waited for two months, and he surely still could wait for him now.

-end chapter 11-

(A/N: geez…this chapter is relatively tough to write…we're a little bit evil leaving people hanging in the cliff for quite a long time…sorry for the rather late update! One of members is having a health problems, so there's a postpone in the update. Anyway, please do forgive us in making Allen's hormones go wild…the OOC-ness…We hope that you enjoy this chapter, and reviews make us really happy!)