Title: Shattered Innocence

Author: DnKS-giRLs

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Kanda-Allen

Disclaimers: should we really write this?

Warning: angst, rambling, OOC

Chapter 17 – Time to Say Goodbye

Everything good was meant to end. Allen always believed that, and that belief was magnified when he faced that day, the day when he had to release his daughter from his care.

That day was started just like any other day. And somehow, Allen hated that fact. Why did that day have to be so bright, the sky so blue, the cloud so white, and overall, it seemed to be too normal? Not that Allen wanted that day to be abnormal, but his mood was so dampened that he wanted the things surrounding him sympathize with him. Not that they could in the first place, Allen knew, but he just wanted to blame something.

His and Kanda's beloved daughter was looking at them on the present moment with her big grey eyes, while babbling incoherent words. She had not been informed that she was going to spent her life with his 'mother' and 'father', not with Allen and Kanda. She had not even understood that the concept of 'mother' was the same as 'mama', while the concept of 'father' was the same as 'papa'. And she had not understood that there should be just one genuine father and mother. It made Allen felt that he was cheating his own daughter.

The bad feeling that stemmed from the thought of cheating and parting with his daughter did not make him show it in front of her, though. He knew better that his daughter was quite sensitive to his facial expression and would know instantly that something was wrong. And he didn't want to make her felt that way.

And so, the ride to the Western Branch of their organization was very tiring for Allen. He kept wearing his persona—his 'mask'—to keep his feeling hidden from his daughter. At that moment, Allen was somehow jealous of Kanda who was sitting beside him. Kanda, being quite an expressionless person at the first place, did not seem to make any effort for looking neutral.

The ride was indeed drained Allen, but when they finally arrived at the church that was appointed to be their rendezvous point with Lucy's new family, his soul felt dry. He felt as if there was lead put inside his stomach when they arrived and he was amazed at himself for keeping his façade in place.

Little Lucy seemed to be delighted upon their arrival. She squirmed when Allen tried to hold her in place inside his hug, so he put Lucy down gently and let her take little steps to observe the big spacious church. He himself observed the church while taking a glance at Lucy once in a while to ensure her safety.

The church was quite magnificent in his opinion. The pillars held the ceiling high, making it look grand. Sun rays lighting the colored windows that were also complemented the huge church. The church's long benches were made from mahogany that looked luxurious with fine coating. The floor was covered by black carpet in the middle, while the uncovered one revealed marble tile.

His eyes then lingered on the church's altar. In front of it stood a man, most likely the one who had the task welcoming them into the magnificent church. And he also was the man who most likely will bring his little Lucy to her new parents.

The man had kind aura surrounding him, and he smiled at them with an angelic smile. He then walked with graceful step towards them, still with that same smile. "I suppose that you are the Kanda family," he said as he approached them.

Allen and Kanda both nodded. Allen took hold of Lucy again and securing her at his arms like he could somehow change the reality that Lucy had to be separated from him.

The man smiled more broadly at Allen's gesture. "My name is Nicholas," he said. "I'm taking charge of this church at this moment. I believe this beautiful little girl is Lucy, isn't she?"

Allen nodded. "Yes, she is," Allen said. "Lucy, say hello to Uncle Nicholas, would you?"

"Hello!" Lucy said with enthusiasm.

"Hello for you too, Lucy," Nicholas said.

"Where are her…'parents'?" Kanda asked suddenly, making Allen flinched.

"The church made the decision that you should ever know neither the faces nor the names of Lucy's 'parents'," Nicholas said. "I believe you have already known that?"

Kanda grumbled.

"But rest assured, Sire," Nicholas said again. "I can tell you that she would be in the good hands."

"How good are they?" Allen asked, feeling overprotective to his daughter all of sudden.

"I should not tell you that," Nicholas said. He took a deep breath for a second and he seemed to assess both Kanda and Allen with his eyes after doing so.

"But it seems that I could not get away with only that said," he continued. "Well, keep it secret that I tell you this, okay?"

Nicholas took a deep inhale, and exhaled it before talking with rapid speed, "Her 'father' is a founder that you both knew well. Her 'mother' was a teacher that already retired and currently working as a baker. They both could not have any children, and so was delighted with Lucy's arrival. It would be most likely that they both shower her with affections, considering they both are affectionate in the nature."

Allen and Kanda blinked with the sudden change of tempo, but after controlled their mind, they both was relieved with the information that Nicholas leaked. They both did not know how much they could believe Nicholas, but they felt that they have to. If they not, it would make things much worse for they cannot let Lucy go.

"When they will arrive?" Kanda asked.

"They are already waiting in the back," Nicholas answered.

Kanda and Allen looked at each other, and then looked at Lucy who at that moment was still looking at the church ceiling; oblivious with the interaction that was taking place in front of her eyes.

Allen sighed deeply. He knew this time would be coming, but then, he never really did think of it as a reality. He tried to deny it, but it was against his nature of doing so. And here he was, trying to calm himself of letting Lucy go.

Kanda tapped his shoulder, and Allen knew that he signaled him to just let it go. And that was what he did after that. He gave Lucy to Nicholas, whom eagerly put her into his arms. Lucy seemed to be quite disturbed to be handed to a stranger, but fortunately she did not voice a single protest. Instead, she just looked at Kanda and Allen with a confused frown.

"Listen now, Lucy," Kanda said, Allen was thankful for it because he did not know if he could voice out their parting to Lucy. "Papa and mama had to go to some place far, far away."

Lucy frowned.

"The place is so far," Kanda repeated. "We might not meet again."

"Why?" Lucy asked with a troubled tone.

"Because uncle horsie and Mr. Ship would be crying if they carry Papa and Mama all the time to see Lucy," Allen found his voice finally. "Papa and Mama would be sad if uncle horsie and Mr. Ship cry, so Papa and Mama would give you to your 'father' and 'mother'."

"Why?"

"Because Papa and Mama could not take care of you from now on, but 'father' and 'mother' could."

"Oh," Lucy seemed to be in the verge of tears. She seemed to be disappointed with that fact, even though Allen did not know either she understood what he was saying or not.

"Don't be sad," Allen said. "If Lucy is sad, Mama would be sad too…"

Lucy rubbed her eyes and said, "Happy!"

Allen smiled. "That's more like it… Be a nice girl, okay? Uncle Nicholas will take you to 'father' and 'mother'."

"Okay," Lucy said. "Bye-bye!"

"Goodbye, Lucy," Allen said after he gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Goodbye," Kanda said shortly, while he gave a letter to Nicholas. Allen knew that letter was meant for Lucy's new parents. It contained his letter too beside a beautiful locket that he and Kanda had bought several weeks prior.

That being said and done, Kanda and Allen departed from the church. Allen hastened his pace to the carriage and he did not turn back to see his daughter again. He was afraid that if he did, he would be tempted to take her back with him. He even did not wait for Kanda to match his pace, for he knew that Kanda would do so. Kanda did just that, and sat in the carriage not long after Allen found himself his seat.

Allen lowered his gaze to his shoes. He could not bring himself to meet Kanda's gaze now. He knew that Kanda demanded that with the intensity he felt coming from his gaze, but he only brought his face upward to see Kanda when his chin was lifted by his spouse.

They both gazed at each other with silence, each knowing what the other could possibly say at that moment. They did just that until Kanda said, "Let it go."

It was all it needed to make Allen opened the sluice gate of his emotions. His face was soon flooded with tears, streaming violently from his saddened grey eyes. He tried to stifle his sobbing to retain his pride, but he did not try to hide his tears from Kanda. Kanda had already known all the weak sides of him anyway, so it would not be any use if he tried to hide it now.

He cried, and cried. He hoped everything would be washed away with his tears. All the pain of separation, all the frustration that he got for knowing that he could not care for his child, all the protectiveness he still had for his child, all the regret of being someone who could not conceive a child for Kanda; all the things that made his heart hurt.

He was very thankful that Kanda was beside him. Kanda had already changed his position from seating in front of Allen to now sitting beside him and embracing him in his arms. Kanda did not say any words or try to comfort him and Allen did not try to assert that Kanda need his support either, even though he knew that it was not his only daughter that they left, it was their daughter they left. They both knew that it was not necessary at that moment. Each other presence was the thing that both most needed, and it really was that simple.

Allen stopped his crying, much to his relief, before they took a train back to their headquarters. As fragile as he had already shown, he still wanted to show some manly pride to the people in the headquarters. Beside, he did not want others to be worried by his personal problem. What important now was not his problem, but the trouble that was caused by the Noah's family. He was just an insignificant being anyway, he thought with a sardonic smile, his problem seemed so unimportant if it were to be compared with the terror that struck the world at the moment. And so he held his tongue, he stifled his cries, and by all means he hoped that he could hold his perplexed feelings that time.

Not until they had some privacy in their compartment did Allen say something.

"You know," Allen said. "I always thought that I would be strong to face this day, Yuu. But it seems that I wasn't that strong."

"Hn."

"What's with the 'hn'?" Allen asked. "You know, I expect more from you, you cold-hearted husband! I thought that you had finally learned to show some compassion remembering all the talks we've had before we parted with Lucy!"

"I just didn't want to talk much after our separation with Lucy, and that is all."

Allen had his moment of silence, considering the fact that Kanda showed that he also devastated with their separation with Lucy. But he continued his ranting after a moment anyway, knowing that there were no other things to do or say. And it helped him to face the guilty feeling inside him that told him he had said harsh implication that Kanda was not affected by their goodbye to Lucy. "There, it was that attitude that made me frustrated before we were reconciled, and now you show that again? I can't believe why I cope up with you at all."

Kanda smirked. Allen knew that smirk was meant to tell him that he should not worry much about Kanda. "And what is that attitude you're giving me now, bean sprout? It almost made me think that you're pregnant again."

"Well, I'm sorry if I cannot get pregnant again. You should find yourself a woman to do so."

"Not an option. You know that it has to be you."

Allen blushed prettily at that statement. "What's with you and your annoying attitude?"

"What's with you and your bean sprout attitude?"

Allen took a double-take at that comment. "Are you trying to give a joke? Because if you are, it was not funny."

"I don't care with your opinion on my comment. If it was not funny, then it was your perception that had to be wrong, not mine."

"Are you implying that I'm dumb? And since when did you considered yourself more funny than I am?"

Kanda raised an eyebrow. "Since I wanted it. It never fails to amaze me how you could read my mind. Perhaps it's the power of a bean sprout?"

"Well, one of the power of a bean sprout is to have someone willing to cope up with his dumb attitude. But you know, Yuu, I am a person who believes that similarity attracts each other."

"And the meaning from your words is?"

"You're also dumb," Allen said with a dead-panned tone. "Maybe you're even dumber because you love a dumb person."

"Yes, I admitted that," Kanda said. "But well, at least a dumb bean sprout is good to entertain me."

Allen laughed. "I'd love to continue but this seems to be pointless."

"Nothing seems to be pointless when it is with you."

Allen blushed at those words. "I told you before to stop acting like a soap drama actor, did I? Are you listening to me?"

"I was listening to you at that time, but it did not mean that I should do everything that you said… besides," Kanda paused for a moment and smirked. "Seeing you blushed is quite entertaining."

Allen sighed. "I'm stuck with a person who has weird hobbies."

"Hn. Well, it explains why I love you."

"Did you mean I'm weird!?"

Kanda smirked. "I didn't say that."

Allen sighed again, but then laughed heartily, making Kanda raised his eyebrow. "Do you remember the last time we had argument like this?" Allen asked.

Kanda just shrugged. "You know," Allen said, not bothered by the fact that Kanda did not answer his question. "It's rather refreshing to have something back to normal. I don't think that we bantered too much like this when Lucy was around."

"Hn," was all Kanda's reply.

"Everything after this would return to our normal lives, wouldn't it?" Allen sighed. "Normal as in what we did before this whole innocence incident. Normal like the old us, screaming at each other, going into missions, chattering among ourselves without thinking of anything like feeding Lucy in the middle of the night or worrying over her when she caught a fever or changing her diapers every time she wets herself…"

Allen sighed and chuckled, "Really, when you look at it there are many good sides for this thing also…"

He sensed Kanda's sudden silence and out of nowhere, he found those strong arms of his husband embracing him in a gentle hug. He choked a sob, "I mean… no, I'm not trying to deceive myself or what… it's just that… I don't know… something just… it's like waking up from a long beautiful reverie, you know… no matter how harsh is the world before your eyes, you must face the fact that it is reality."

"I see," Kanda said to him and kissed the top of his head.

"And then… I just have to walk forward, right? I can do it until now, keep walking forward, holding my face high and my shoulders straight. I can do it… for this thing too, I can do it… right?" he whispered.

"We can," Kanda whispered back. "We must."

"I cannot help but noticing how similar Lucy is to me… my parents did after all release their hold of me like what we do to her now," he said, feeling more incoherent than before but he cared less. "And I just can't forgive myself if someday our daughter hates us because of this. I will never forgive myself if she condemns us for abandoning her…"

"Now, you're being irrational," Kanda said as he released Allen from his embrace and tilted his face upwards to meet his own eyes. "It might sound harsh but I think she will remember nothing of us, and, Heaven forgive me, I think it's the best thing for her."

Allen smiled a little, knowing that what Kanda said was the truth. Little Lucy would likely grow up without the memory of them being their real parents, without the memory of them loving her. Those days of the past one year would go into oblivion once she grew up. And Allen knew that it was the best for her, for all of them.

"I'm being ridiculous, aren't I?" he said softly with a quiet laughter.

"You always are," Kanda said, releasing his chin and he snorted a little, knowing there was no real harm in those words.

"But you love me," he said.

"Sorry to say but I think I do," his spouse said.

He only rolled his eyes at that comment coming from Kanda's mouth. People might find it strange but he felt that Kanda's words, no matter how absurd, how harsh, or how stupid they were, could always put his mind at ease, or at least lessen his burden like what he felt now.

He blinked his eyes, feeling that his emotions had more or less been better than what it was some moments ago. With a sigh, he tried to ward off his mind from thinking and mourning over their separation with their daughter. The passing scenery outside the window caught his interest as they showed the bright sunny day of summer and he frowned as a reflection entered his mind. So different, he thought, so different from that fateful wintry day that started all those things. So different, he thought as Kanda's hands came back around his shoulders and pulled him into the other's embrace. He smiled.

So different.

This past year had taught him many things, from the lesson of love to the lesson of loss, from the lesson of happiness to the bitter taste of sadness. But overall, he was thankful for all of those. He still had many things to cherish, he thought as he snuggled deeper into Kanda's embrace and in the process gave the man a chaste kiss. His old self would not think of doing any of those things he did now, but… it was different now… right?

Yeah, he chuckled, so different, but he loved it. He loved it and he loved him, his spouse who was now smoothing his hair in a way that made him feel like he was the most loved person on earth. And maybe he indeed was… at least he felt like one. It was comforting to have someone he loved and loved him back. And he knew though they might never see Lucy again, their love to her would forever remain unchanged. Their memories of her would not fade away, as well as their memories of all the things that had happened between them.

Allen remembered them all; those days of sorrow and laughter. He remembered the cold snow under his feet in that fateful mission they had back then. He remembered the rustling of bed sheets and the warmth of Kanda's breath when they made love in that stormy night. He remembered the shocking revelation they got in Komui's office that led them into their marriage vows before the cross. He remembered their confusions, their denial, their fights, and their sweet reconciliations afterwards. He remembered the feeling of Lucy's soft skin the first time she was put in his arms, and those fathomless eyes of his husband smiling at him. He remembered what it felt like to fall in love, to be in love, and it was not likely that he would able to forget them. Nothing could take those away from him. After all, time could pass and death might come, but love should reign for ever over all.

- the end -

(A/N: Epilogue ahead!!! Yups, this story is finally finished; hope you all have a good reading and such. Sad as it may (though maybe we're the only ones having the sentiment) we must end it here. Please do give us some reviews concerning this story and you'll make us die in perfect bliss… well, maybe not really perfect since we're still stuck here with our ::cough: loadofpaperworksthatssupposedtodueyesterday ::cough:: but your reviews will make it all right. So, you'll review, right… (hide some butcher knives behind their backs and smile) right…?)