Disclaimer: Honestly now, I still own nothing.
CHAPTER FOUR
Sleepless nights were beginning to become a routine around this place. I tossed and turned for hours before deciding to just give up and give in. I turned on my light, fumbling for a pen and paper. I would just send this the muggle way. I knew Harry's address and I needed to vent. He might not understand all of it, but I knew he would understand the isolation, the pain at a life he didn't want to be stuck in. He might be able to help me feel less alone.
Not once did I mention the drug use. Not once did I mention Max. I don't know why I left these out. Maybe it was my hesitation to admit that I was both being extremely tempted into trying the stuff or that I was possibly falling for a complete stranger. I just talked. I told him how Katie and I had drifted apart, how I didn't find any comfort in her. I just talked and talked. And then when I stopped writing. I reread it and realized how whiny and pathetic I sounded.
Without a second thought I crumpled the paper into a ball, throwing it into the trashcan. I knew Harry would care, but didn't he have enough on his plate already? He was distraught over the death of Sirius Black still. He was being forced to live with the Dursley's, the family that loathed him. He would care, and he would take the time to try and comfort me, but wasn't it him who needed comfort most? After all, hadn't he suffered more than I could have ever hoped to during his lifetime?
No, I wouldn't send him a letter. I wouldn't talk to anyone from my life back at Hogwart's. Not yet. I just needed time to forget that world, that life. I needed to just erase it from my mind momentarily. But would it really do any good at all? I was lost in thought when I heard a knock on my door. I was surprised. The clock on my wall told me it was three in the morning.
I didn't say anything, knowing it was most likely Katie come to talk to me. I was still afraid of what she'd told me and about how I felt towards it. I was still disgusted, don't get me wrong, but with that disgust came both a longing for release from my thoughts and for a way to just be different.
The door opened and sure enough Katie walked in. She smiled at me shyly, like she wasn't sure if I still hated her, and I did. I hated her. But I loved her. I hated that she could be so weak as to drink and do drugs just because her life got rough. But I loved that she could do it and feel free, that she could feel ok. And I envied that she was able to feel ok while I was still stuck feeling sorry for myself about my life. I envied how she could be someone I wasn't.
"Hey," Katie said softly sitting on the end of my bed. I didn't really know what to say. I had a lot of things going through my mind right now. And I kind of just wanted to be alone. Katie had really placed some thoughts in my head that I didn't want to think about but that I needed to. She had really made me think about if I was willing to take that jump and try to forget my problems the way she did. My rational mind was screaming at me no. The irrational part of my mind begged me to give in.
"Can't sleep either?" I asked dully. I just wanted her to leave. I just wanted her to stay. I was a mix of contradicting thoughts and wants. I really just wanted to sleep.
"No, I've got too much on my mind. I wanted to say sorry about earlier though. I shouldn't have been so pushy about all that." She said with a slight chuckle. I looked at her with tired eyes and yawned. I didn't say anything back. I didn't know what to say. Thank you for having made me contemplate, really contemplate, doing drugs? Thank you for making me disappointed in you, yet again? I knew it was better just to keep my mouth shut this time.
When I didn't say anything, Katie started fidgeting. She took that hint that I wasn't interested in talking again tonight and got up to leave. She threw a backwards glance over her shoulder at me. Her eyes were pained but when they connected with mine they grew cold. I had to look away. She seemed to change from moment to moment, one second being warm and kind, and the next cold and hard. How could I love someone so much when I didn't even know the real them anymore?
Frustrated I flipped off the light as soon as the door closed, falling onto my pillow roughly. I sighed and tried to hide beneath my blanket. Maybe if I just didn't go outside of this room I would be safe. I wouldn't have to face the temptation eating away inside me. I wouldn't have to face the nagging voice inside my head that kept telling me that I was going to make a wrong decision. I wished that everything would just stop. But I knew it wouldn't.
"You've got to listen to me, it isn't safe for her here!" the voice was absolutely frantic, high pitched and desperate. There was the sound of something breaking, there was a shout and then somewhere a baby started crying. "Please, you've got to find a way to hide her…" that voice was so familiar, I could almost call her name out, but it hung at the tip of my tongue, eluding me.
"Give her to me." This voice was cold, mean, and ruthless, it sent a shiver down my spine. But was I even really here? Was this a dream or a memory? Perhaps both. I looked around wildly but found my eyes weren't working, as they should. Everything was blurry and very far away. But the voices, oh the voices were so clear that I could hear the breathing in between the words.
I don't know what woke me, but I woke up feeling slightly ill, no, more than just slightly. I knew I had been dreaming about something unpleasant, had I been hearing voices? I shook my head and tried to remember as I took in deep breaths to help the nausea leave. The dream was fading fast and before I knew it I couldn't remember one thing about it, except that it left me on the verge of emptying my stomach.
There was a knock on my door and like always I jumped at the suddenness of the sound. I hurriedly sat up, scrambling to the door. Outside my aunt was holding a phone out to me and she smiled. I frowned momentarily before she whispered, "Max something or other?" And a smile flew across my face. I snatched the phone a little more hungrily than I meant to, and my aunt laughed.
"Hey." I said, still smiling, not noticing when the door closed.
"How are you today?" Max asked. His voice sent a thrill through me. I wanted to see him. I wanted to be near him. I wanted to see his smile. I felt my heart beating just a little faster. God, what was wrong with me?
"I'm good." I realized that this conversation could probably go on forever with just little phrases thrown back and forth and so I mustered up all the courage I had and asked, "do you want to go do something tonight? Maybe find a party?" I was surprised that I had been the one to suggest a party. But then again, I was sort of dying to possibly test out this new temptation, wasn't I? I was an idiot.
"Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to come to one with me." And we talked about when and where we would meet up to go to this party. I didn't mention how tonight I planned to drink a little. I didn't tell him that tonight; I planned on shedding a little bit of this goody two shoe's skin that I wore everyday. I didn't even plan on telling Katie. This would be my secret for now. And I wanted Max to be the one I shared it with, but not yet, not just yet. I was terribly anxious, terribly afraid and terribly aware that I was making the wrong decision.
To say I was nervous while getting ready didn't even begin to cover it. I was shaking while I applied makeup, though I did it sparingly. I wasn't an expert at doing it and didn't want to accidentally make myself look like a cheap whore. I had to stop and calm myself, calm my breathing before making my hair look nice. Curls, I had decided, were not an option. Curls reminded me too much of the girl who had first seen Katie snort that line of whatever in the bathroom. Curls reminded me too much of innocence.
I straightened my hair without any help, just with a straightening iron, and then chose an outfit. Was I really ready to do this? Was I really ready to drink a little tonight? I was nervous, I felt tense, and I felt wrong. But at the same time I wanted to just rebel against that feeling of wrongness and say to hell with it. What if I just wanted to be bad sometimes? Was there really such harm in that if it wasn't all the time? Was it really all that bad?
Yes. I knew that answer to that question. But as I looked in the mirror I found that for once, I didn't really care. I was lost in thoughts that swirled around me like a cloud. I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget the pain that was just inching around inside me when I thought of home. I wanted to find a place that held only happiness. Katie had made it seem like all I needed was a shot or two and I would find that place. I just wanted to see if she was right. What harm could that do?
It did occur to me that Max might not be the upstanding guy I thought he was, and that maybe I should have Katie with me for my first try at getting drunk, but I guess this was my form of payback. She hadn't told me about all her little adventures and things she'd been doing. It had hurt me that she hadn't confided in me. I guess this was my way of hurting her in return. I guess I hoped she would see what she had done to me and would feel the same. Revenge is a bitch, but sometimes it looks like the best idea. You really don't have to tell me how ridiculous that sounds, I already know.
For a split second I thought about what Harry would think if he knew, I thought about what Ron would say, and the look on Ginny's face. But then I shoved them out of my mind as if they didn't exist. I didn't want to think about them now; they would only make me rethink my decision. I wanted to do this. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to do this. It went against everything I stood for and that excited me more than anything ever had.
That night I sat beside Max nervously holding a cup in my hand. It was filled not with beer, but with vodka. Max had asked me if I was sure I wanted to drink some. He told me not to chug it, but to sip it, that the cup only equaled out to about two and a half shots. But that was plenty for someone who had never drank before. He asked me again, if I was sure. I nodded.
"Yeah, I'm completely sure." I lied. I was screaming inside. My rational mind was begging for me to set down that cup, to get up and call Katie so she could take me home. I however, ignored the little screaming girl inside and began to sip on the cup. It tasted horrible and I thought for a second I would throw up.
"Happens to everyone, chase it with this." Max said, handing me a separate cup holding a brown liquid. It looked like soda. "Pepsi." He said with a smile. I nodded and took another sip of the foul tasting vodka, immediately downing nearly half the cup of Pepsi to extinguish the taste. Max laughed at the look of disgust on my face.
It didn't take long for me to finish the vodka; I was determined to prove that I could actually be "bad" for once. I don't know whom I was trying to prove it to. Max didn't know me; he didn't seem to really care one way or another. Katie didn't even know. I didn't need to prove anything to myself, did I? Or maybe that was it. I needed to prove to myself that I could just let go like Katie. Maybe I was trying to reconnect with her. If I acted like her, maybe I'd understand her?
Before I knew it the room was looking a little different. Sometimes things went fuzzy and pretty soon I was asking Max for another shot. He looked at me carefully before obliging. I thanked him profusely without realizing that I was practically sitting on his lap. I had the overwhelming urge to kiss him, again. And after downing the shot, I thought long and hard about doing it.
What had seemed an impossible thing for me to do sober now seemed like the only thing to do. Why not? He seemed interested enough in me, and I was sure interested in him. The thoughts he sent into my head drove me crazy when I was alone, and right now, all I wanted was to touch him. I wanted him to be close to me. And then before I my brain had enough time to process what was happening I was kissing him.
He pulled away at first, but then kissed me back just as hungrily as I'd kissed him. I leaned into him, pressing hard against him as one of his hands slipped under my shirt to rest on the small of my back. The contact of his hand against my skin made me wish that his hands were touching me somewhere else. The overwhelming desires that were being stirred up inside me were almost too much for me to handle at the moment, and when he pulled away again, I moaned in protest.
"I'm going to take you home." He said softly. I looked at him in confusion. Why was he taking me home? I just didn't understand. I tried to kiss him again and he pushed me away. "You're drunk. I'm taking you home, I won't do this while you drunk." And then he moved me away from him. I watched him stand up and felt incredibly stupid. Why had I even drunk anything? Now I just looked like a stupid girl.
He came back a few minutes later to find me sullenly staring at the floor. He kneeled down beside me and put a finger under my chin, lifting my face so I was looking at him. He smiled at me; I just frowned back.
"Hey, don't get like that." He said with a laugh. "It's not that I didn't enjoy that, it's just that I'm not into taking advantage of a situation because you've had a bit to drink." He helped me stand up and I found that standing was a lot more difficult than sitting. I swayed slightly. Max put an arm around me to steady me so I wouldn't fall. I looked up at him and tried to smile but found that I couldn't tell if I was or not.
"Thank you." I slurred. He just smiled again and started walking. I stumbled along with him guiding me and when we reached his car I found that I had somewhat mastered walking now. I was not walking straight and I was not seeing things clearly but I was having the time of my life. I realized that I was giggling.
"Come on, in the car." Max said, opening the door. I giggled again and leaned up against him, one hand on his chest, the other resting on his hip. I smiled before kissing him again, but he pulled away from me. This time I didn't feel stupid, because I remembered what he'd said about not taking advantage and that had made me feel really good about drinking with him. He seemed to really be a good guy.
The drive home seemed like it took two minutes. I was fascinated by the way things looked as we drove and the music playing from the radio made me want to dance, and dance I did. Some part of me knew I was making an absolute fool of myself, but Max just laughed and said it was cute. I didn't even care about how ridiculous I must be looking and sounding. I was having a blast. But when I realized I was being taken home, I got a little unhappy.
I didn't want to see Katie. I wanted to stay with Max. I was having so much fun! But Max insisted it was the best idea, and that if I didn't want to see Katie I should just walk inside and go straight to my room, and try to sleep. He told me that if I felt sick or wanted to talk or needed anything to just call him and he'd either come see me or talk to me until I felt better. I thanked him again before stumbling out of the car and up to the front door.
I dropped my keys twice before I was finally able to open the door and when I walked inside Katie was watching TV. Her parents were already in bed, which I was grateful for. I waved at her with a stupid fake smile on my face and started to walk by her. Her eyes narrowed.
"Hermione." Katie said. I stopped. I didn't turn to look at her, but I just stopped. She got up and walked over to me. She looked at me with a frown. I stared at her for probably a full minute before shrugging and pointing in the general direction of my room.
"I'm tired." I said, faking a yawn. My words were still slightly slurring and I lost my balance. I had to catch myself on the back of a nearby chair and I found myself giggling again. Katie crossed her arms. Her face looked incredibly angry.
"Are you drunk?" She asked incredulously. I shrugged and turned to walk away. She caught my arm and pulled me back. "You're fucking drunk." She said angrily. I tried to pull my arm away from her but she held onto it even more tightly.
"Let go of me," I said, trying again to pull away. "Just let me go."
"Who were you with? Were you with Max?" She asked, her eyes boring into mine. I wrenched my arm free and fell into the chair, almost falling over. I could feel myself getting angry and I didn't like it. I couldn't focus on what I wanted to say or do. I wanted to lie down. I sat down heavily in the chair.
"What does it matter?" I asked her back. Katie's eyes seemed to get darker.
"Stay away from that bastard." Katie growled. I didn't understand why she would call him a bastard. He was so nice. He had taken me home instead of taking advantage of my drunkenness. She should be grateful he'd been so kind. But then again, she didn't know that he had been.
"You don't know what you're talking about. He took me home because I was drunk, he didn't want anything to happen." I tried to explain and Katie laughed.
"You are the one who doesn't know what you're talking about. You're going to believe that just because he takes you home he's a nice guy? You don't know anything about him." Katie's voice was low and cold as ice, as were her eyes. I realized that she was right. I didn't know anything about him and I was just basing his goodness on the few times I'd been around him and he'd done decent things,
"Whatever. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed now." I said rudely. I stood up and walked past her. She started to say something but didn't finish. I just stalked up the stairs and slammed my door shut. It occurred to me that it was sort of late, my aunt and uncle were sleeping and I was being loud. I didn't care. I crawled into bed without changing and fell asleep almost instantly.
My dreams were filled with yelling and screaming; this time it was Katie and I who were fighting. And this time when I woke up I remembered every detail, right down to me using magic to hurt her. I woke up with tears in my eyes, and with a pounding headache that made me wish I hadn't woken up at all.
When I saw Katie, she shot me vicious glares, and I returned those glares just as viciously. I remembered our conversation from the night before and chose to believe that she was jealous. The Katie I knew from the past would have rationally talked to me about Max, not just blatantly acted like he was a terrible person. Because she'd approached me the way she had I was finding it easier to think of her as the bad one.
I was having a hard time trusting anything she said. I felt like she wasn't trustworthy because she'd lied to me about the drugs. I felt like I shouldn't listen to her because she was doing things I didn't approve of. It never even crossed my mind that I was doing things I didn't approve of either. I was hurt and disappointed in her, too hurt and disappointed to feel the same way about myself. I was convinced that she was wrong about Max.
For the next six days, I would spend every evening out with Max. Every night I would get a little drunker, and every night Max would stop pushing me away as much when I would kiss him. And eventually, by the sixth night, I would wind up alone with him and in bed. Even if you wanted to know the details, I wouldn't be able to remember because the only thing I remember after me taking off his pants is waking up without mine on, and him nowhere to be found.