Disclaimer: I own nothing but this plot. After this, you'll see more characters from the actual books. And see how what's happened at Katie's will effect her life back in the magical world.

CHAPTER FIVE

I waited for three hours inside that room just sitting, wondering and trying to fall back asleep while I waited for him to come back. I desperately wanted to remember what had happened the night before. It was frustrating me to no end that I couldn't remember. Had we slept together? Had I lost my virginity to Max? My body felt sore, and from certain pains I was feeling I was almost positive that the answer was yes. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.

I had to steady my breathing as I got up, walked to the mirror and stared at my reflection. I wanted to break the mirror with my fist, but refrained. This was Max's room, in Max's apartment with Max's things. Had it been my own room or possibly the one at Katie's I would have done it. I would have smashed my fist into the glass until it bled. I would have wanted to not just destroy my mirror image but the real me as well.

I wiped at my eyes, trying to fix the makeup that had been smeared. It didn't work very well but when I was fairly satisfied that I didn't look like a prostitute after a night of hard work I set in on my hair. It was tangled. It was disgusting. I really don't think I'd thoroughly washed it all week. I tried running my fingers through it as a comb but it just wasn't working, so I gave up and pulled the hood of my sweater up to cover it. If I couldn't fix it, I'd just hide it until I got home.

I searched until I found the full contents of my purse because my keys were missing as well as my wallet. I had a suspicion that when I found my wallet it would be empty of the money, but I was wrong. All the cash was there and my keys were found easily enough under the bed. I wanted to leave a note, tell him to call me, but didn't know if I should take his lack of presence as a sign I wasn't welcome anymore. Maybe I was just thinking too much about this.

I didn't take long for my to find a piece of paper and pen. I scrawled on the white sheet, 'had to go. Call me." I left it on the dresser beside the bed, picked up my bag and walked out of the room. I didn't lock the door, but made sure it was securely closed behind me, and then I was gone, walking to Katie's house.

I made sure that when I got home no one saw me. I safely made it to my room and was able to shower and get dressed. Upon inspecting myself I saw I looked much better than when I'd left Max's. I wondered if he would call. I tried to put him from my mind and think of other things; things that wouldn't make me feel sick.

Katie wasn't home. I didn't know where she was, but my aunt and uncle were eating lunch. I felt awkward around them; I hadn't been home much at all the past week. They looked at me with worried expressions, exchanged glances and my uncle put down his fork. "Hermione, is there something bothering you?" I looked at him blankly.

Putting on the fakest, happiest smile I could muster, I shook my head. "Of course not. Where's Katie? I was going to see if she wanted to watch some movies today." I was lying through my teeth. I just wanted to know where Katie was. My curiosity was getting the best of me.

"Her friend Sam came by to get her earlier." Katie's mother said between mouthfuls. I don't think I'd met Sam. I racked my brain trying to remember and then something clicked. My eyes narrowed.

"Sam Harding?" I asked. My aunt smiled and nodded.

"She's such a sweet girl. Haven't you been becoming friends with her brother?" She said, still smiling. I didn't know what to say. I thought Sam didn't like Katie. I thought they weren't friends anymore. I was so confused that I wanted to scream.

"Yeah, Max has been really nice in showing me around when Katie hasn't wanted to." And I wanted to throw something and demand that someone explain to me what the hell was going on. Instead I just turned around and walked out of the room. I went upstairs and locked myself in my room for several hours. Finally I came out, and joined Katie in the living room. She looked at me for a moment. I looked back at her. Then I sat down beside her.

I was about to open my mouth to say something to her; to talk to her about things, about my drinking, about hers and about Max and Sam, but the phone rang just as I started to speak. Katie answered it and immediately her face turned sour. She looked at me out of the corner of her eye while muttering, "Hold on, please." She pushed the receiver against her chest to muffle noise.

"It's Max." She whispered. I took in a deep breath before holding my hand out for the phone. She looked hesitant to hand it over, but did, all the while watching me carefully. I turned away from her slightly.

"Hey." My voice was low, unsteady.

"Hey, I came back and you were gone, is everything alright?" He sounded rushed, and worried. Why would he be worried? I didn't know what to say. I wanted to ask why he had left but didn't. I was too busy convincing myself that he really did care about me.

"I just felt sick." And that was that. I didn't say anything more. I didn't ask any questions.

"I came back and you were gone…I was worried." He said. I wondered if he realized that he'd just repeated himself. Again I wanted to ask him, beg him to tell me what had happened, since I was still unsure as to whether we'd had sex. I didn't even know if I wanted to know anymore. I felt Katie shift her weight on the couch. "When can I see you?" he asked. I didn't know what to say. Did I want to see him? Yes.

"I don't know." I wanted to say, now, you can see me now. I bit my tongue. I was painfully aware that Katie was sitting so close.

"Can I see you tonight?" I think my lack of talking was making him even more nervous. I didn't know why though. I thought about it for a moment. I wanted to see him so badly. I wanted to talk to him. I needed to talk to him.

"That's fine." I wanted to get up and walk away from the room, but felt that would make Katie ask questions. My mind was racing a mile a minute. I was hardly listening when he told me he'd pick me up later. I didn't even say goodbye. I was having trouble thinking. I was having trouble breathing. I was afraid to find out what really happened, and I was afraid of keeping it from Katie. She was watching me.

"Are you going to see him again?" She asked me. I just nodded. She was just watching me, and I felt sick. She shook her head and put the phone down. "I wish you wouldn't." Her voice was soft. Her voice sounded weak. Then she was standing up and walking out of the room. I sighed.

I followed Katie. "Talk to me." She stopped, turned to look at me and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes. "What's wrong?" I asked, not understanding at all. She just shook her head.

"It would take all night to explain what's wrong. I don't have the patience to try." Her voice was low, defeated sounding. And I just didn't get why. I followed her into her room, sitting beside her on the bed. "Max Harding is bad news. I'm not lying. He'll only use you."

I frowned. "He isn't using me." Why would he want to do that? He cared about me. Right?

"Don't be stupid Hermione. You don't even know the boy. I've got years of knowing him and that manipulative sister of his. And if I had of recognized him at the airport when I saw you talking, I would have told you then." Katie said. I couldn't tell if she was lying or not. Why would she lie?

"I don't think he's using me." I said halfheartedly. What did I know? I was questioning myself. Had he really been using me? Is that why he had just left this morning, because it hadn't meant anything to him? Did I not mean anything to him? I felt panicked. I think Katie could see it on my face, because she grabbed my hand to comfort me. I really wanted a drink.

When Max finally arrived he seemed elated to see me. I just kind of tried to not show how much I wanted to touch him, how glad I was to see him too. It was strange because all the while that I was happy to see him; there was that underlying apprehension, that underlying mistrust. I could feel myself distancing myself from him when we'd talk. I was making it easier on myself if he was just using me. If I kept myself distant, if I let myself not care, then if he wasn't the good guy I'd thought he was, it would hurt less because I'd already be telling myself it. But the problem was that I did care about him.

We decided that we were going to go back to his apartment and watch a movie, order some food and just enjoy a quiet evening. He kept holding my hand, kissing my cheek. He kept acting so sweetly that the thought of him using me seemed absolutely ludicrous. Finally when we were sitting in his room I found the courage to ask him.

"Where'd you go this morning?" I regretted asking the second it came out of my mouth.

"My sister needed to talk to me." And he didn't explain any further. I wondered if Katie had been there. I couldn't believe I'd forgot to ask her about Sam. I felt my insides twist. I was jealous. Should I believe Katie? I had to bite my tongue to keep from demanding that he explain. I had to bite my tongue to keep from accusing him of anything.

Nothing was making sense. Why couldn't it all just make sense? Why was I getting so upset about this? I was about to ask Max something, anything to fill the silence that had swallowed the room, but the doorbell rang. Max shot me a look that said to stay in his room. I rolled my eyes as he walked out. I heard the door open and then heard a girl's voice start talking. Max said something I couldn't understand and the girl's voice got lower. I was immediately suspicious.

I moved closer to the slightly open door trying to hear what was being said. I couldn't hear anything so I walked into the hallway, knowing neither of them could see me, but now I could hear them. And what I was hearing I was having trouble believing. Or maybe I just didn't want to believe it.

"Katie asked me to come see her today. She knows what we're doing and she told me she was going to tell Hermione tonight." I didn't recognize the voice, but I knew that it was Sam. "Just stop it Max, you've already got what you wanted, in both cases. Katie's hurt, and you've already fucked Hermione. Just leave it alone before either gets hurt any worse."

"You just don't want me to hurt your precious Katie, do you?" Max's voice was not the voice of the Max I knew. I felt a little queasy.

"Fuck you Max. I don't give a shit if you hurt that bitch, but her cousin is innocent in this. She didn't do anything." Sam's voice was unconvincing when she spoke about not caring if Katie got hurt. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't want them to know I'd heard anything, so I went back into Max's room and just sat there. I could feel hatred harden my heart. I could feel myself begin to hate Katie for not trying harder to make me believe that Max was bad.

When Max came back in, I hardly said anything to him. It was silent for a few minutes and then I said, "I feel sick, can you take me home?" He looked worried for a second, probably wondering if I'd heard. But then he just nodded his head and made a big show of asking if I was ok. I couldn't believe how full of shit he was. I didn't talk to him the entire way back to Katie's and got out of the car without saying goodbye.

I slammed through the front door and choked on a sob. This was ridiculous. How the hell had I gotten myself into this mess? Katie was sitting in the front room, her eyes watching me with real concern. I wanted to hug her, I wanted to hit her, I wanted to just scream and throw things in order to tell her that she was right. Of course she was right. I was about to have a breakdown.

"You should have tried harder to get me to believe you." I said through my tears and my voice sounded dead. Katie's face was absolutely bewildered and then, a look of realization washed over it. Her hand rose to her throat and tears welled up in her eyes.

I didn't want to hear anything she had to say. I felt like she had let me down. She knew this boy, she knew him so much better than I had, and she hadn't stopped him from using me to hurt her. But what could she have done? I felt betrayed, and I knew that that sense of betrayal was somewhat misguided but I didn't care. I needed someone to blame and I didn't want to admit it was my fault for not listening in the first place. I was too stubborn.

I wanted the solace of my room. I stumbled up the stairs half blind from the tears streaming down my face. I slammed the door shut, locking it, sinking to the floor still sobbing. I hated this place, I wish I had never come, and I desperately just wanted to go home. I could hear Katie knocking on the door asking me to come out, begging me to talk to her. I ignored her and just sat there and cried.

I hadn't come out of my room in three days. This was a week after the Max incident. I had barely spoken to Katie. She wandered around the house with a dejected and forlorn look on her face at all times. She had given up trying to get me to listen to her. I was still upset, still unwilling to accept that some of this was my fault, and most of it Max's. I was still unwilling to accept that I had been used.

I had locked the door one day and decided I wasn't leaving that room until I had to go home. I didn't move from my bed. I just lied there with an empty bottle of rum lying beside me, and a half empty one in my hand. Yeah, I guess you could say alcohol was becoming my crutch, and I'd finished that empty bottle the first night I'd locked myself in that room. And the nights leading up to the night I locked myself in were spent out partying. Yeah, I just drank my problems away. Katie failed to mention the not so great perks of using this as a way of avoiding your problems. I hated her for that too.

I hadn't talked to Max either. Yeah, I'd seen him, and he tried to talk to me, but I had just blown him a kiss before downing another beer. I just smirked at him with a fierce anger in my eyes. I let him know without saying anything that he was nothing to me and that he better stay away from me. I knew that my behavior was puzzling him, what with him not knowing I'd overhead him talking to Sam, but I just wanted him to think I didn't care. I was so tempted to hex him, so tempted to use my magic against him, but I refused. I swore to myself though, that if he even dared to touch me again, I wouldn't hesitate.

Basically, I'd spent the nights out drinking my thoughts away until I was so drunk my only thought was getting home safe before I passed out. By now I didn't even remember how I'd acquired the four bottles of rum, but I was grateful that I had them, even though I was on my last one. I was grateful because drinking made me dizzy and helped me forget to feel anything. It just helped me erase the memory of hands touching me, of tongues inside of me, of breath on my neck.

It helped me not want to scream at the thought of what I'd done, at the thought of Katie, of Max, of this entire place. It also made me less angry with myself for the fact that I was drinking. I think it was my anger at myself over that that made me continue to down bottles, in addition to the rest. I wasn't making sense inside my head anymore and I found I just wanted to isolate myself now and drown my thoughts. Forget any of this had ever happened.

I honestly wanted to go home; I'd prefer that to what I was doing now.

I sat up, my head swimming, my stomach lurching, my vision slightly blurred. I caught sight of myself in the mirror and didn't even recognize myself. I stared at myself long and hard. And then I started to cry. I started the kind of crying you get where it hurts everywhere, and you feel like you're going to throw up. The kind where you can't be quiet even if you wanted to, and you can't even breathe. The kind of crying where you just start screaming and have to just curl into a ball. The kind of crying that brings attention to yourself that you don't even want. Or maybe you do, and that's why you start it in the first place.

Well, here I was, curled into a ball on my bed, absolutely balling, just crying my heart out, choking in breaths, crying so hard I started gagging. And I hear fists pounding on my door and Katie's yelling out my name but I just keep on crying. And then that's my aunt yelling at me to open the door right now, and I can hear something break but I don't even look up. I just can't stop crying. And I'm forgetting about the bottle, and about Max, and about Katie and I'm wishing I'd never come here. And I'm thinking about my mom and dad and how disappointed they'd be if they knew what I'd been doing.

I started thinking about Ron and Harry and how much I missed them. I started thinking about the look in their eyes if they knew what I'd done, who I'd become, of the things I'd been doing. I thought about Ginny and longed to be near her, to hear her talking to me. I wanted so badly just to go home.

And I'm so caught up in my own little world that I barely notice when someone's helping me sit up, asking me, no, begging me to just open up my eyes. I'm so caught up with crying and trying to get away so I can curl up in a ball that I don't notice when my hand slips off the bottle and it crashes on the ground spilling everywhere. My eyes are open now, and I'm staring wildly around me but everything is spinning. Its just spinning and I have to close them to keep from crying out that I'm falling. Because now I'm not falling, even if I'm still spinning and I can't stop crying!

Someone wrapped their arms around me and was telling me it would be ok. It sounded like Katie, but Katie hated me right now. No, I hated her and I hated myself. How could I have been so stupid, so foolish, and so weak as to start drinking, to believe Max? Why would I ever have thought he liked me for me? I hated her because he had hurt me to hurt her. I was ridiculous, but I needed someone to hate, I needed to be the victim, to be faultless in order to feel ok. I hated her for making me want to kill the pain. If she had just kept her mouth shut I never would have been tempted and I never would have drunkenly slept with Max.

But that wasn't true and I knew it.

When I woke up I was lying beside someone in a warm bed. I felt sick. I barely had enough energy to move and see who was sleeping next to me. I was surprised to see that it was Katie. I was both angry and comforted when I saw her peaceful face. I was still upset with her, but at the same time I just wanted the comfort from the girl who was like my little sister. I sighed and decided I needed to sleep. I remembered everything from the night before, but I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to forget. I just wanted a drink. I felt sick. I always felt sick. I couldn't get away from it.

I slept for several more hours and found that Katie was gone when I opened my eyes. My mind flashed to Max. I tried to sit up but found that my head started pounding when I did. I lay back down and soon Katie came into the room. She looked at me with sad eyes and then smiled a small smile. "How are you feeling?" she asked. I shrugged. I felt horrible.

"I feel great." I said flatly. I found that my voice sounded tired and sick. Katie sat down next to me and touched my hair, smoothing it down. She smiled again, and this time it was a warm smile that reminded me of how she was when she lived by me.

"Been drinking too much?" She asked softly. There was no anger, no judgment in her eyes. It was just a plain and simple question, one that we both knew the answer to. I didn't want to look at her. I turned my face away and she sighed. "It's ok you know, I've been there too. I guess it took me seeing how you were last night to realize I shouldn't be doing this. You were right you know…I should be talking to someone instead of just shutting off the pain." I looked at her, tears in my eyes.

"Why would he do that to me?" I was barely even speaking. My tears burned hot trails down my cheeks. She wiped them away for me. But she was crying too.

"It's a complicated story…and basically the condensed version would be that when I moved here I was afraid to get close to guys after what happened to me, so I got close to Sam. Max didn't know that she was my girlfriend…and well, I found him extremely attractive. Needless to say things didn't work out when Sam found out I was sleeping with her brother. And Max wasn't really the definition of happy when he found out what I'd been to his sister." Katie wouldn't look at me. I was both unsurprised and deeply shocked by the story. Should I believe it?

"I regret doing that but neither one of them would accept my apologies so they decided to hate me together. I admit, I was really messed up then…" Katie's voice was shaking. I looked into her eyes, searching for a sign that this was the truth, that I could believe her. I found nothing to convince me, but I chose to believe her anyway. Maybe it was the way Sam's voice had sounded when she'd tried to convince Max that she didn't care if he hurt Katie. I still hated Katie because Max had used me, but the hate was a little less sharp. I tried to smile but found that I couldn't. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

And then all the hate came rushing back. I remembered the way she'd looked when she spoke of drinking, of drugs. Max had used me to hurt her, because she had hurt them. She deserved to be hurt, and it was her fault that I'd gotten mixed into this. If she'd tried harder to warn me about Max, if she'd really cared she would have found a way to keep me away from him. "Get out." My voice was low, deathly low.

Katie looked at me in surprise. "What?" And I didn't repeat myself. I just glared at her. She looked lost, but didn't move. I looked around, realizing I was in her room. I pushed away the blankets; ignoring the sickness I felt and left her room quickly. Once in my own room, I sat down at the desk, found a pen and paper and began to write to Ron. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to go to the Burrow. I wanted to get out of the muggle world. I wanted magic. I wanted the comfort of magic, of the world where the problems here and with my parents didn't exist.

I longed for my boring life again. I longed for the mundane existence lived out at school. I had been here in America for almost a month and a half; the time had flown by fast. I had my little taste of rebellion. I had my little taste of being Katie. And now I was ready for it to just go back to normal. I was only supposed to be here for another week, but I was ready to leave now. I think I was starting to hate the muggle way of life. It just made me hurt when I was living in their world.

I thought about my time spent here. Thought about the weeks that had slipped by before my finding out about Katie's secret. I thought about how I'd found an escape in Max, how I'd spent the days when I was apart from him in misery wondering when I'd see him again, how I'd decided to start drinking, and how I'd latched onto drinking in order to comfort myself. I thought about how pathetic I'd become. I felt disgusted. I just longed for the innocent life I had lived before I'd met Max, before I'm come here, before he'd used me.

I decided then and there that I was leaving, and I wouldn't look back.