When The Angels Cry

Chapter 11

We Have To Say Goodbye

The ride was silent even with the opportunity to exploit the blonde's newest stupidity; the mood or the despair had not yet lifted. Kaiba kept his eyes on the road and didn't so much as glance at his 'company'. Jounouchi sighed mentally. It wasn't the most brilliant idea to stay behind when he didn't have a ride.

"Hey, you guys go. I need to do something first."

Anzu sighed and rested her hand on his shoulder. "Jounouchi what is there to do? There's nothing anyone can say to Kaiba right now. I think he wants us to leave him be at least for a while. Yugi's tried to contact him but he hasn't answered at all." She explained not wanting the blond to get hurt by any harsh reaction the one in question might take.

Jounouchi shook his head hesitantly. "I don't want to leave him thinking what I know he's already thinking." The others stared confused by his awkward statement. "It's complicated but I think I understand a bit more about their relationship now then I ever did. Listen, I'll be fine. I just have to say something to him." 'Get him to know he's not alone; it isn't the end of the world. Just something for him to think about other then his own pathetic emptiness.' He frowned and followed them to their cars, spending a few more minutes lamenting of their lost but unforgettable friend. He waved goodbye and took another deep breath.

He expected to find him vulnerable but he didn't think he'd break down and admit to the torment plaguing him. Jounouchi found that a good start at accepting him into his misery but wondered why the brunet would do so. Was he already so far down the abyss that he didn't care who knew what he felt? Now that Jounouchi thought about it, the New Year was christened just a few days ago. He'd forgotten, as all of them did. 'Except Kaiba. I bet he didn't.' He thought about how painful the ringing of the New Year was when Mokuba wasn't there. It was the start of the rest of life without him. So much was going through his mind now and he didn't know how to stop. They hadn't said anything after he cried in Jounouchi's arms. The blond had only hoped his simple words were enough to bring some sort of compose to the other but nothing seemed to leak at the moment not even pain. As he glanced at him the only thing he could see was a cold despair as if waking up and finding out you're all alone.

Jounouchi thought of Shizuka and he couldn't help but feel guilt. He'd never be able to be with her as long as Kaiba was on his mind. She'd be safe and living while his brother wasn't. This thought made his mind exercise even more. Why hadn't the other thrown this in his face yet? If he kept telling him to go away why doesn't he throw that in his face, that he doesn't know how he feels? He frowned and shifted his attention from the window to his hands nestled on his lap. 'Because I'm the closest person to understanding because I do have a sibling that means more to me than anything and her to die like that would destroy me.' That was it. Except it wasn't an equivalent despair anyway. Shizuka was everything to Jounouchi but Mokuba was Kaiba's brother, friend, light and in every way his son that he raised and took care of just as a Father would for his only child.

Jounouchi sighed he had reminded himself once again of it. Mokuba was Kaiba's very soul and it is buried beneath the soft ground of a cemetery. His mind was so grim and glum that he didn't realize the car had stopped; parked in the parking lot of his apartment complex.

Kaiba waited a few minutes before snapping the other out of his reverie. He knew the other was evaluating him, he had a feeling and he didn't like it at all. He hated being discussed by others, scrutinized without authorization but at the same time he didn't know how to speak to Jounouchi. It all seemed so blurry to him. He hadn't meant to shatter his remaining dignity and strength in the arms of the other the way he did but it was over. His façade couldn't hold in the tears he'd repressed after reporting that Mokuba passed on. There was a slim remnant of comfort in his embrace and in his words filled with his own tears that momentarily had him believe it wasn't his fault but just something that happened so cruelly. Of course it passed and he knew it was his doing. It always was. But having someone he hated and whom hated him just as much, tell him it was okay to cry and to hurt – that he was there for him – brought upon a sense of relief to him, which he didn't understand. Still even sitting here waiting for the other to get out of the car and leave him in his own reverie didn't feel so bad.

Jounouchi looked back out the window and blinked. What had happened to the movement of the passing world? And it hit him as he stared at the small complex that he was essentially home. He blushed faintly and turned to the other. "I'm sorry. I guess I was lost in thought." He whispered.

Kaiba also awakened to the conversation and stared at the other intently trying to read everything on his face but in a growing nervousness he peered away as he realized it was his own face being read. "Just go." He muttered softly.

Jounouchi nodded gently and opened the car door. He lingered a bit longer unable to bring himself to just leave the other. 'If I let him out of sight…' Fear was finding itself inside and he pondered whether or not the other was in any shape to battle his own guilt. It wasn't right to have so much happen and be left to cope alone.

Kaiba didn't know why the blond was still in his car. He tried not to shove the other out, as he was growing tired of the other's presence. There was something about Jounouchi that made him feel weak and vulnerable. Kaiba hated feeling both and at the same time it was too much. He smiled bitterly and laughed so lowly. 'It's all too much…' That was his favorite sentence as of late. Ironic since 'Never enough' was once his motto.

Jounouchi watched the sardonic expression mix with the uncertainty and torment of the reality before him. "Kaiba." He reached out and softly ran his hand up and down the other's arm.

The other winced slightly but didn't flinch. "Why are you still here?" His voice was quiet, to hide the hoarse evidence of tears shed.

"I'm going. Why don't you shut the engine off and come in? Just a moment please." He asked removing his hand.

Kaiba felt a shiver run through. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" He couldn't believe it.

"Come inside."

It sounded like an order this time. Though it didn't bother him it still irked him to even consider the request. "No thanks."

"Kaiba."

"No thanks." He repeated a bit angry with the others inability to recognize a no as a 'no'. He knew what was going on. He may be dying but he wasn't stupid. "I'm not going to sit through another session of friendship speeches with you just because you don't trust me to deal with this alone."

Jounouchi exhaled but it sounded like a growl. "I don't trust you to deal with it properly. You're right." He shrugged. "That's why I want to not help but let you know it doesn't have to kill you. You don't deserve to die Kaiba."

"We're here. You're home. Just go back to your little life with your friends and forget about all of this. Just go back to normal and stop pretending to be my friend when we both know we were nothing close to it before all of this."

Jounouchi smiled softly and glanced at the other. "I know. But the past is the past and you can only look forward eh?" He asked reciting something he had once said. "You'll never heal but don't remain broken forever. We're here for you or at least I am. I don't want to just let you go on alone." He didn't get a response and it remained silent for several minutes. Finally Jounouchi made up his mind and stepped out of the car. "Kaiba," He leaned his head in and frowned. "I really hope you understand how much I want to be there for you." He stood, shut the door and began walking away.

Kaiba started up the car but kept his eyes on Jounouchi's retreating form. His mind was spinning and he felt another migraine coming along. Everything being said between them, to himself swirled inside and he just couldn't figure out why Jounouchi of all people played nice and why he had decided to unleash all his emotions onto the mutt he always despised and ridiculed. Was he so messed up and weak as to lower himself to the help of a meager dog? 'But he isn't that bad I suppose.' He thought afterwards. He went back to Mokuba and his damned accrused luck of losing him. This wasn't fair by all measures and it brought up the same reply he'd give Mokuba every time he got angry, 'Life isn't fair.' His chest was pounding and his body was tightening, he could hardly breathe and he remembered Lien telling him about the extent of panic attacks that could plague him if he didn't get some help and counseling. 'You'd still be here if it were. You'd be here.' He felt so dizzy his vision was failing him as everything faded white, his hands were clenching as blood dripped from nails piercing the palms.

Jounouchi got to the open gates of his section of apartments before turning back around. What was he doing? "I can't let him leave. He has to stay or I have to go with him." He was determined now. "Either way, I'm not about to let him go and have the chance to do something to himself. I have to stop him before he leaves." He began walking towards the car and then an unusual sight came into view. He hurriedly ran to the driver's side and opened the door to find Kaiba trembling and convulsing.

"Kaiba what's wrong! Kaiba!" He shouted. And then the brunet blinked and he was beginning to regain his vision. Jounouchi wrapped his arm around his neck and the other on his chest against his heart. "Shh." He whispered in his ear. "You have to calm down. It'll be okay! Just relax!" He continued shushing him remembering the time when Yugi had almost won the duel that Kaiba would've deliberately let himself fall to death in Duelist Kingdom; Yugi had burst into an attack similar to Kaiba's now.

And after a few more seconds, which dragged and felt a lot like minutes, Kaiba could hear his 'rescuer' of sorts saying those reassuring things in his ear. And his body relaxed calmed and diminished any strength he once had. His eyes were shut, hair damp from sweat, breath rugged and hands limp and lax. Jounouchi ran his hand through Kaiba's hair but kept the other flat against his chest trying to help calm his heart and breathing. "Shhh." He continued.

Kaiba let his head drop onto his shoulder. He was still trembling severely. Jounouchi slid his arms down to his side and pulled away, he stared intently at the shattered indifference on the other's face. And he pulled out of the car, standing firmly on the pavement and extended his hand out towards him. For a moment there was nothing as the brunet stared blankly in front of him but just as Jounouchi was about to grab him, he moved and took the other's arm. He stood disheveled and as breakable as his heart but he was standing. Jounouchi shut the door and pulled him gently to his apartment.

Jounouchi unlocked the door and brought him inside. Kaiba moved like a mindless doll with no apparent emotion or life within him. He led him to the living room area and told him to sit down. Kaiba did as told and the other hurried to the kitchen. Jounouchi took another deep breath and grabbed and filled a cup of water.

Kaiba seemed to 'wake up' as he sat and listened to the noises Jounouchi made in the kitchen. He closed his eyes and tried to comprehend what happened in the last five minutes. 'I did it again. I freaked out in front of him once again.' Kaiba stared at his shaking hands that still hadn't stopped like the rest of his body had. Maybe Jounouchi was right about his mental state and he couldn't be trusted to be alone. But it wasn't his business and he shouldn't be forced to take care of him. 'I should leave.'

"Here." Kaiba had noticed his return with a glass of cold water hovering in front of him. He took it and set it on the raggedy coffee table in front of him. Jounouchi sat right beside him. "You should drink it." Kaiba didn't say anything but picked it back up nonetheless. His grip on the cup tightened with the chill it emanated but then it could have been the cuts too. "Oh, let me see your hands." Kaiba hated the way the other was talking to him – like an adult speaking to a small child. "Let me get a towel."

"You don't-" Kaiba slipped as the other stood. Jounouchi turned and stared at him with concern. "You don't have to do all this. Just let me go and I'll deal with this myself."

"And what if you end up d-"

"Then so be it. It isn't your responsibility to help me. And I don't want to be anyone else's burden."

Jounouchi sat back down and shook his head. "Mokuba never thought of you that way and that's the truth. All he talked about was you and him and what a special time Christmas was for the two of you. Don't ever call yourself a burden because it's no where near the truth." He insisted and subconsciously he took hold of Kaiba's right hand and gently trailed the little cuts with his fingers. Kaiba's hand twitched under the sensation but he refrained from pulling. Jounouchi turn towards him and stared into those sapphire blue orbs with a sincere and soft smile. "How about lying down for a while. I doubt you've slept any and right now I think that'd be best for you."

Kaiba didn't say anything and again was led to another part of the place; the bedroom. "Just sleep for a while." He ordered and turned the light off, though there was still a bit of light abound as the morning seeped through his curtains. The brunet shook his head but still sat on the edge of the bed. "You're joking now aren't you?" He asked with a look of grim disgust. "You expect me to just sleep?"

The blond rolled his eyes and sat down next to him, his legs crossed. "I do. Because you're tired, you're hurting and it'd be best for you to take things slow." But his words weren't reaching him and things were moving so well. 'You aren't leaving in this condition I don't care what you say.' Jounouchi shut his eyes and yawned. "I know it's hard with Mokuba having died so suddenly at a time when everything's supposed to be perfect and happy but it's happened, you know? And well, you remember what you said today about how we have to say goodbye even though…"

"We don't know the reasons why…" Kaiba finished and shook his head. His head was hurting and his eyes were starting to get heavy. "I know you keep saying otherwise but I just can't shake feeling responsible. I know it's my fault. You should just stop trying to make me feel better and just tell me the truth. I already I wasn't a perfect brother or parent – if I were this wouldn't have happened. He would have been home. I knew he should've stayed but I-"

Jounouchi caressed his arm, taking hold of his injured hand. "I know. I know…" Kaiba leaned against him a little and the two didn't mingle words anymore.

Kaiba sat up in his bed, panting and sweating as his gaze found the frost-covered window. The wintry wonderland still resided outside, tainted with the blood and broken memories. His head was pounding once more but like the hollowness inside he grew to accept and dwell in it. He paused for a moment and quickly regained his composure; he wasn't going to let him see his nightmares were still so vivid. He couldn't let him know how much it hurt almost a year later…