Chapter 13:
And Pray It's Enough…
I can see you clearlyAll the pain in your eyes
Praying to stop bleeding
Praying to stay alive…
Jyonouchi stroked his hair softly and let his own eyes drift closed. There were only a few incidents where the two fell into sleep together though all innocent, it was moments like this that seemed to fill Kaiba's eyes with tears. It was quiet and finally peaceful and not once through the night did another nightmare erupt. The alarm buzzed and Jyonouchi awaked to its disturbance. He gently shuffled over and shut it off, thankfully Kaiba was still fast asleep in his arms. He shook his head and sighed. 'Everything will be fine.' He mentally promised and vowed.
Things grew colder and the brunet became quite silent. Jyonouchi knew the approaching day; it was now only two days away. He waited a few minutes longer before standing up and covering the plate of food laid out for his absent dinner partner. 'I guess I'll hafta bring it up to you then.' There wasn't a hint of emotion in his head, hovering over his words but he was saddened greatly and feared the state Kaiba would be in once it was officially a year of his brother's death.
. He stood before the closed office and knocked a few times with his free left hand. There was a mumbled response on the other end, which he concluded to be a sign of welcoming. He slowly entered and shut the door behind him. "Kaiba." He greeted calmly stepping forward and moving in front of his desk. Kaiba looked up from his work and glanced only for a moment at the tray in the blonde's hands. "You didn't come down for dinner." He added hurtfully.
Kaiba's gaze edged away and settled on the small digital clock along his monitor's side panel. "I'm sorry, Jyonouchi. I didn't realize it'd grown so late. Just set it there and I'll get to it later." He replied in a strangely chilled tone. But the other didn't move at all, "Is something wrong?"
The blond set his food down on the end of his desk and then went around to stand beside him. He knelt down to be eye level with the other. "If I leave you what guarantee do I have you'll eat?" He asked in complete seriousness. He searched the other's face for any sign of regret or uncertainty but nothing came. "Kaiba you shouldn't miss so many meals. I'm not trying to be bossy or anything I just don't want you hurting yourself like that." He further added. There were a lot of things Jyonouchi wanted to say, so much had arisen and taken over during his time here and in the passing month it all mixed together and created feelings well, not so normal or easy to explain. "Kaiba I think there's something I have to tell you but I."
Kaiba shifted his attention to the forgotten food. He reached over and pulled it in front of him. "You could stay then and I would eat."
Jyonouchi stopped and stared up, right into his simple blue eyes. "What?" He muttered quietly.
Kaiba couldn't turn his attention away, he swallowed and took a deep breath. "I will eat if you stay beside me." He repeated a little more clearly. Jyonouchi couldn't say a word he only laughed lightly in disbelief. The brunet narrowed his eyes slightly and stared at him confused. "You find my statement funny?"
The other shook his head. "No. Not in the least." He smiled finally able to tear his gaze away. His face felt hot and his grin grew wider. "Thank you." He added and stood to his feet. He leaned against the desk and took a piece of sausage from Kaiba's bowl of Jambalaya.
Kaiba sighed. "Didn't you eat downstairs?"
He shrugged. "I was waiting for you." He replied honestly. For once Jyonouchi found it uncomfortable eating alone. He didn't want to eat without Kaiba sitting across from him. The blond hadn't even realized how fast his appetite disappeared when he concluded Kaiba wasn't coming down for dinner.
"I'm sorry Jyonouchi." He muttered and put a lot of rice and meat on his spoon.
"It's nothing." He replied. Kaiba stood to his feet and smirked to himself. "Right. Open up." Jyonouchi blinked and opened his mouth to say something in question to his command but that spoonful was slipped into his mouth. Kaiba gently pulled the utensil out and placed it back down into the bowl. "Let's go downstairs and eat dinner at the table." He suggested softly just so the two of them could hear. Jyonouchi nodded in agreement. "At least so we can get you some food too. This looks pretty good. I think I might actually eat it all." He pondered aloud. 'Jyonouchi you…' Kaiba couldn't even think of any words to describe the other's expression as he stared straight at him. For a second in all the horrid moments they've had so far, this was different. It was a feeling unlike anything he's ever felt but he felt confusion taking over him. He pulled away and headed towards the door, bowl in hand. "Come on."
Jyonouchi swallowed the food sitting in his mouth and blinked out of his reverie. "Right." He choked out and followed. 'This is so much. It's for sure now. I think I'm attracted to you. I mean I am attracted to you. Oh Kaiba, I know this is wrong, I shouldn't especially when you're not in your complete state of mind.' Jyonouchi felt his heart finally calming down after almost leaping from his throat caused by Kaiba's spontaneous gentleness. 'I almost admitted something back there. I have to be careful.' "I don't want to overwhelm you." He whispered only to himself.
It's only for tomorrow's miseryBut the agony is binding
It aches the same anyway
So why am I still fighting?
The two sat and ate dinner in a silence that was for once not so bad. Kaiba bid him goodnight and retired to his bedroom. Jyonouchi watched him as the door shut closed. He sighed before heading to his room. Kaiba stretched and unbuttoned his long-sleeved dress shirt throwing it into the laundry basket near the closet door. Walking into the bathroom, he smirked cynically to himself. 'You better sleep well otherwise he'll have to come save you again. Save you because you're so weak and pathetic and couldn't save yourself even from your own dreams.' His smirk faded and he grew very grim like before. The memory of waking to Jyonouchi's concerned eyes and embrace, his soothing words although it was all comforting it brought to light just how helpless Kaiba really was. 'No wonder why I couldn't prevent your death – I can't even keep myself from dying, giving up." He clutched the dangling duel monsters' necklace around his neck tightly and leaned against the closed bathroom door. "A year without you now. No. A year passing and I'm still alive. You are still gone…" He stayed in the brightly lit bathroom unmoving and emotionally wrecked.
It was early the next morning and with all amazement Jyonouchi was already awake and dressed – his alarm hadn't even gone off. "This is it. The 'eve' of Mokuba's passing and come tomorrow morning the anniversary. I hope Kaiba is okay." He stepped out and headed to the other's door. He opened the door and peered inside but to his surprise no one was there. He pushed the door open wide and searched the room, the bed was made and empty; the bathroom light was off and the door left open. "He's not here." He muttered to himself and closed the bedroom door behind him.
Jyonouchi checked a few more doors and even the one to his office but there was no sign of him. "Maybe he went to work." 'Really early…' Part of him hoped not, the thought of Kaiba leaving without letting him know beforehand upset him. But as he called and asked his suspicions were denied. "He's not there either?"
By this time he was down by the front doors and at a total blank of where the other may have gone. "Excuse me Mr. Jyonouchi," He turned to the voice of a butler that was standing behind him. "Sir, pardon my interruption but if you are looking for Master Kaiba, I believe he is upstairs in… The late Master Mokuba's room." His tone sounded of sadness and misfortune.
"Mokuba's room?" He asked and then quickly started in a sprint up the stairs. 'Kaiba hasn't stepped foot in that room in the whole time that I've been here.' The pain filled his heart and thinking of why he'd possibly choose now to open that can of worms concerned him dearly. But as he neared the door that he passed by numerous times but never approached, he stilled and went absolutely numb. 'I have to hurry and make sure he's okay. I can't be afraid of his pain and his depression or my own feelings leaking out.' He shut his eyes and mentally counted to three and then opened the door to the 'forbidden' room. His eyes softened greatly at the sight of Kaiba sitting up on the once made bed, with his back against the headboard and right leg hanging over the side. "Kaiba." He whispered and as he grew closer he noticed that the other was sleeping. "I'm so sorry." He said once more and sat down in front of him. He sighed softly and gently touched the other's face. "I'm so sorry that you have to go through this."
And I hate to say I'm losingTrying to be by your side
But this pain within my heart
I only pray will subside
He leaned a little closer and then softly nudged him awake. Kaiba straightened blinking a few times before resting onto Jyonouchi's. He's features darkened slightly. "I knew you'd end up finding me here." His voice was so quiet and soft.
The blond smiled faintly. "What are you doing in here Kaiba?" He asked in the same broken tone.
"I don't know. I went to bed remembering it all. I had to be close to him and I had to confront my weakness too."
"You're not weak."
"Just broken."
"Kaiba."
The brunet leaned in close to the other, their faces only a few inches apart. "It's a year tomorrow. I never would have lived this long without your damn interference." He muttered but there was not even a slight tone of anger or resentment. "You're perhaps the craziest or strongest willed person I've ever come to meet, there's no way any other person could've taken over and kept me from doing something…" He nodded with a slight shrug. "Something like suicide. How did you possibly stay here by my side day to day like you have?"
He put his hand up to Kaiba's cheek and caressed it gently, "I promised you remember? I'm staying until you are a hundred percent."
Kaiba shook his head and nuzzled into his hand. "You don't have to stay that long."
"It doesn't bother me. I don't mind being with you." He answered truthfully.
"Don't you understand that I might never be that well?"
"I've thought of that." He replied with a nod.
"You don't want to leave?"
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No." Kaiba pulled Jyonouchi's hand away and slowly placed his lips on him. It wasn't long before Jyonouchi melted into it, as gentle as it was. It ended with Kaiba's retreat and the brunet smiled lightly. "How about now?" The blond shook his head in strong meaning. "And you'll stay until then."
"Longer - if you let me." He retorted hesitantly.
"Jyonouchi." The other looked at him and raised his brows. "It's already seven and you haven't instructed any breakfast." He scolded leaning back against the board. Jyonouchi stared down at his watch and playfully hit him on the shoulder.
Later that evening Jyonouchi had went into the kitchen to help the servants clean up the dinner dishes and get dessert whipped up. Kaiba left the dining area and entered the main hallway but halted at the stairs. He stepped towards the front doors and put on his long thick trench coat and stepped outside on the front porch. It was a calm beautiful sight of soft white snow, blankets of it all over. It was the opposite of then. "There's no point in being gentle now, he's not here to play." He muttered bitterly to the air's breeze. It was snowing soft snowflakes all around and sweetly. "Why did you do this to me? I know what I've done and all the things that I've said, the people I've hurt but as much as I deserved this agony Mokuba didn't. He was everything that every human should be, bright, gentle, sweet and kind. He had everything to live for and he would've been great, a terrific success at anything he chose to do. But he died. I'm sorry. I hope you forgive me Mokuba, I really do. I've tried to be your everything, your confidant and your hero… Your parent and your friend, brother and I know that I wasn't all that good at loving you and comforting you but I…" He shook his head and swallowed deeply. "I don't know."
"Hey." Kaiba sat up from the cold porch swing and faced his guest. "Sorry I didn't mean to intrude." The brunet looked down and nodded in the negative. "Here. It's hot cocoa." Kaiba waved his hand in response. "Take it, it's cold out here." He commanded extending the mug towards him. With a defeated sigh he took it.
"I always end up giving in to you." He pouted.
"Because right now I know what's good for you." Jyonouchi explained. He stood beside the other and yawned. "It looks so peaceful doesn't it?"
"It does." He agreed with a touch of disdain.
"Oh Kaiba it's okay. You know that you'll be just fine. No matter what happens, you'll be strong enough to overcome it. Why don't we go inside, it's sort of late and you got up really early this morning?" He suggested already beginning to shiver. "I'm not going in without you in case you were about to say so." He warned.
Kaiba groaned lightly and ruffled the other's hair. "Well I wouldn't want you to die of this weather too." He joked cynically. Jyonouchi didn't like the horrible sardonic remark but he didn't feel like starting something when everything seemed to be going well. Kaiba grabbed the other's arm and led him inside. He locked the doors and glanced up the stairs. "Hey, thank you so much, if I haven't expressed it enough I really appreciate you and your kindness. This friendship we've established is the one good thing to happen to me from this."
"Yeah I know. I like this too."
Kaiba smiled. "I'm going upstairs." Jyonouchi nodded and watched the other leave.
I want to forgiveBut my mind can't stop
Letting in all the reasons
To give up and drop
He paced back and forth in his room unable to sleep. 'Tomorrow morning…' Although he wanted to believe that everything would be all right, especially after the talk they had outside, he just wanted to be there beside him when that alarm went off. "I have to see him."
A minute or two later he was standing at Kaiba's door. His hand rested on the knob of the other's door hesitantly. "I shouldn't." 'If he wanted me near, he'd call for me… I can't control everything or at least I shouldn't be so suffocating. Not when he's still hurting.' He took a deep breath and almost let go when the door was pulled open. He stood in shock and embarrassment. "Kaiba I'm so sorry to bother you."
Kaiba stared with slight amusement. He leaned in and kissed the other a little bit harder than he'd done earlier. It was warm and comforting and the utter definition of nice. The two parted and stared at one another; brown eyes in confusion and blues' in desperation. "For some reason I knew you'd be at my door tonight." He muttered with a smile.
Jyonouchi blushed, not quite over the kiss he was just given. "You're not alone." He managed to speak.
"Because you're still here?" He asked stepping back and letting the other in.
"Exactly."
Kaiba and him stood staring at one another. Suddenly the brunet leaned in and wrapped his arms around the other. "I want to die. Despite you standing here, despite everything I have or easily could buy, I want to die." He confessed with the broken sound of held in agony. Jyonouchi hugged him back and nodded whispering something that seemed to make the other laugh in disbelief. "Stay with me." He begged and received a nod.
"I will. I won't leave your side tonight."
Kaiba pulled him back a little, "No. Stay with me." He clarified. He placed his hand on his cheek and bit his own lip harshly. "I can't imagine doing this without you every night. I need you forever." 'To hold me and lo' The blond kissed him fervently and nodded.
And the two mumbled softly as they stared at the buzzing alarm clock neither one reaching over to shut it off this time. It was final. "You've made it, Kaiba." Jyonouchi whispered rubbing his arm softly.
Kaiba leaned his head down on his arm and sighed. "I just have the rest of life to go."
"It'll be okay." He assured with confidence.
"Yeah." 'I pray so.'
I can see you clearlyAll the pain in your eyes
Praying to stop bleeding
Praying to stay alive…
You were the Angel
That kept me at peace…
I'll remember the end-
The day you grew white wings…
The day it all fell apart;
Shattered and released…
Owari...