Yes.
Why do I hate this damn story so much? Why do I hate all of this so god damn much? Why, why, fucking WHY! This is the worst thing ever.
Let's just go on with it.
And I have that stupid song Craig (Degrassi) sang in ep 513 on repeat and it just... gets to me. Let me channel this darkness and turn it into creative something.
On day, I WILL end up in Brice. (And yes, it's an actual place.)
This chapter will seem so heavy in word play and what have you that it may not actually make much sense. If it doesn't, take it how it is. It's all there for a reason.
Again, this was one of those chapters that drained the hell out of me. One of those chapters that poured out of me from some place I can't call.
Chapter 5 / For Any Girl Who's Unhappy
Wednesday; the day of reckoning for an already reckoned man. Jude woke up dull and listless, head pounding and eyes heavy with the prospect of confronting the one thing that stood in the way and stood for her only sense of happiness. She counted aloud her time spent in her prison, comparing them to the medication days she's experienced. Today, she wouldn't take her meds. Today, she would face the wall head on and alone and without the help of a crutch. Today; today was her day.
From wake up to mindless chatter with Nova that grated on her ill-eased nerves to her hour wasted with Doctor Barry, she could do nothing but mindlessly count the minutes down to three o'clock. She owned that number and time, hiding it deep within herself. She rehearsed and rehashed the plans and words she'd say to him. It was so straight forward – he'd pay hell. He'd get the tongue lashing and closure he needed and possibly begged for, and she's return back to the doldrums to dwell in the shadows once again. She felt crazy and she liked it. It almost meant something.
Tommy strode through the double doors of her floor in her ward effortlessly; all of his crosses and worries rested solely on Jude's shoulders. His mirrored aviators were pulled low on his nose, shielding his eyes from the prying glances and daring whispers that couldn't interrupt his green mile walk. She sat at the table in the far corner, alone and awaiting a single glimpse of the forceful and fettering presence she craved more than her release. At long last, he'd returned to her. It took her breath away.
"Jude, girl, how are you?" He pulled a chair to sit next to his ratty t-shirt and pajama bottom clad girl. He reached for her hand, her pulling back in the knick of time.
She held up her finger, pleading for a second to compose herself. She almost cried; she almost wept from the beautiful way he said her name and penitence. She nearly broke then and there, taken aback by the strength in his shoulders, the stoniness of his face, the gentle way his neck curved into the dip she loved to lay her cheek upon.
"Just... don't move. I want to remember you like this forever." Her face melted into a saddened, hazy resolve. So many of her previous thoughts had vanished, replaced with a whitening of the mind and darkening of the heart. "You're so fucking beautiful, Quincy. You're like the last twang of an electric guitar, the final bitter notes tingling on the tip of your tongue. You're the softest note ever sang in the most heartfelt song that can't help but make you cry because that's its job. You're so much to take in. You are so much to take away. I've missed you more than I've missed myself. You're so beautiful and you don't even know it. Why can't you just stay that way? Stay like this forever. Stay so crisp and clean and fresh in my mind, the way you are when I wake up in the middle of the night and reach out for you when I know you aren't there. Why do you always have to change?"
Tommy adjusted his glasses, hoping they hid the soft tears that collected in tithing in the corners of his eyes. Never had he heard such things about himself. No one ever cared enough to look inside of him, and to have her call him beautiful weakened every defense and coping mechanism that put him into auto-pilot whenever he was around someone. He moved as close as he could, taking hold of every part of her that he could get his hands on. He knew it was wrong or maybe improper, but he couldn't help but cry against the lovely brass hair he'd fallen for when he'd seen it drenched and coated in the bright sunlight that day at the pier.
"I've missed you so much, Jude. I've missed you so damn much."
Her hands went to the nape of his neck, messaging and smoothing the soft skin, and toying with the stray strands of hair that bristled against her fingers.
"Is that why you went to Sadie? I mean, I get loneliness. This place is so cold, Tommy." She choked on his name, swallowing it back and drinking it down. Her words rolled so fluidly off of her lips, stinging him back to the reality that was presenting itself.
"I didn't go to Sadie. I told you."
"You told me what you thought I wanted to hear. Look at me!" She pushed him away from her; face reddened and eyes brimming over with the saline that burned as it cascaded down. She grabbed his glasses, ripping them from the tired face she wanted to hate. "Why? That's all I want to know."
"Jude, please, just listen to me."
"I did listen to you and look where it's got me!" She stood abruptly and her arms flailed outwards, showcasing the home she now had to call. "It hurts, Tommy, and I don't mean in here. It hurts physically. My body aches trying to take it all in, to know that you couldn't even wait until you saw me again. Loving you hurts."
"I'm not with Sadie. I promise I'm not. You have to believe me. You just misunderstood."
Anger seared her soul with the branding of his words and hidden insinuation.
"Because I'm crazy, right? I'm crazy so I misunderstood, right! I heard her laughing while you talked to me. I heard her asking what we were talking about. She was right there with you. Why can't you just hate her? Why can't you just leave her alone?"
Jude's switch scared Tommy. From her foggy forthcomings to irate irritation, something from the flip shook him yet knew she spoke some shred of truth. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? He knew it was harmless, but he was careless. He should have known what would come out of the simple gesture.
His arms went out to recapture the untamed beast that threatened to hunt him down until she destroyed herself. She fought against his entrapment, fist finally connecting to his jaw. He sat back stunned, an equally stunned Jude shaking at him rubbing along his jaw line. From the far side of the room, two male nurses appeared in their pristine corn silk blue scrubs. They edged in closer to Jude quickly, taking her arms in a move to keep her from doing any more harm to the innocent visitor.
"LET ME GO! LET ME FUCKING GO! TOMMY!" She screamed as loudly as her still broken voice would allow, unnerving everyone within earshot.
Tommy jumped from his seat, racing to her rescue.
"Let her go! Stop! LET GO OF HER!"
"We don't allow such actions here, sir." The brutish nurse tightened his grasp on the lightening strike kicking and thrashing Jude. Her face knotted in pain within his hands, still screaming for her release.
"It was nothing. I'm fine. Just let her go. You're hurting her!"
The two nurses exchanged glances, easing up on the fragile thing they owned for the moment. She broke free from their hold and ran to Tommy, the only love sprung from the only hate. She babbled into his chest, her hands digging into the soft cotton of his t-shirt.
"I don't want to forgive you, dammit! I don't want to forgive you again..."
Tommy smoothed down the back of her hair, frazzled in the commotion just seconds ago. Normally, he would have pulled her away and made her understand that he was guiltless, but he couldn't. He couldn't take being without her and in his arms regardless of circumstance. A far off buzzer droned and her body turned limp and languid within his hug. All of the other visitors began filing out of the meeting place, Tommy and Jude feeling the pressure of their defeat.
"I swear before everything I can, Jude. I'm not with Sadie. I only want you. I only love you. Please see that, please. Don't hate me. Please forgive me for hurting you. I didn't mean to. God knows I didn't."
"I don't hate you, Quincy. I never could. I love you, but forgiveness is another thing."