A/N: I'm really sad because next Friday is the homecoming game at my old school where everyone runs around and celebrates being a senior but now I go to special school and won't get to do that…so I'm depressed. I don't know why you all have to hear about my personal problems so maybe I should just write…

Chapter 36: It's Too Painful

Meredith left school knowing exactly what she needed to do. She was going to end things with Derek. She loved him with all of her heart but things weren't the way that they should be. Every time they were together and he got paged and had to leave it hurt more and more and she couldn't take it anymore. She knew that breaking up would be painful but that pain would go away and she couldn't stand the constant pain of him leaving and the worrying that he was going to leave.

Meredith waited for about a half an hour and then left to go to Derek's building. He had just gotten home from the hospital about 20 minutes before and had just enough time to take a quick shower. He hoped that would calm him down and keep him calm while they talked. Just as he was finished getting dressed there was a knock at the door and he went to answer it. He opened the door and didn't say anything.

"Hi Derek," she said, and stayed in the doorway.

"Are you going to come in or are we going to have this conversation in the hallway?"

Meredith hesitated before finally walking into the apartment. She felt a little uncomfortable and unsure about what she was about to do.

"So, you wanted to talk?" Derek said.

"Yeah, I did. I've been doing a lot of thinking today Derek. I've been thinking about us and what's been going on."

"Meredith, I…"

"No, let me talk. If I don't get this out now, I never will…I don't think that I can do this anymore. I can't take the fighting and the arguing and the jealousy. And most of all, I can't talk the not knowing whether you're going to be there or not. Every time we're together I worry about whether your pager is going to go off and you're going to leave me all alone. It hurts me everything that happens, and each time, it gets worse and worse and I can't do it anymore."

"What are you saying?" Derek asked, knowing exactly what she meant, but not wanting to believe it.

"I can't be with you anymore," she said, holding back tears.

"Meredith, you don't mean that."

"I do mean it. I can't take it anymore."

"You can't take being in love with me?"

At this point, Meredith started crying.

"We can't be together anymore. It's too painful."

"I don't understand why you're doing this. I know that things haven't been great recently and that we've been fighting and we haven't been seeing each other as much…I just don't know what to say. I'm in love with you."

"I know you are. But this just isn't working. Derek, I'm not getting any younger. I want to get married and have children."

"I want those things to."

"You're married to your job."

"You know that's not true."

"It's not true? You spend half of your life at the hospital."

"I'm a surgeon. That's part of my life."

"I know it is. But it can't be a part of mine anymore."

"I can't accept this Meredith. I know you still love me. You can't just walk away from this…from us."

"I can't do this Derek. I have to go."

Before Meredith could walk out the door, Derek walked over and stood in front of it so Meredith couldn't leave. She was in tears and Derek had no idea what to do to comfort her or to convince her to change her mind.

"I can't just let you walk out that door. I know you love me. You can't look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me. If you can, I'll let you go, but I know that you can't."

Derek was right. Meredith had to keep her eyes on the floor because she knew that if she looked up into Derek's piercing and pleading eyes she would take him in her arms and change her mind but before long the pain that she had been feeling recently would return.

"You have to let me go. I need to start over without you."

"If you think that I'm just going to let you walk out on me then you're wrong. We're supposed to be together Meredith. I have never felt this strongly about someone in my life. I know we're having some problems right now, but all relationships have problems. We can work through it."

"I…don't…love you…anymore."

Meredith had never lied about something as serious as this before. But he was right; she couldn't look him in the eyes and say it. She had to force herself to say just so Derek would let he leave. Before he could stop her she went out the door and got in the elevator. Derek slammed the door and banged his fist on the wall.

Meredith got in the elevator and slid down to the floor, unable to stop crying. When she got to the garage, she pulled herself together enough to drive home. Izzie and George were in the kitchen eating when Meredith came into the house and ran up the stairs. They both looked at each other, having no idea what was going on.

"I'll go check on her," Izzie said, getting up from the table.

When she went into Meredith's room she saw her laying in bad in the fetal position, clutching her pillow, her whole body racked with sobs.

"Mer? What's going on?"

When she didn't answer, Izzie went over and sat down on the bed next to her. Eventually Meredith sat up and looked at her, her face red and her eyes bloodshot and puffy.

"Derek and I broke up."

A/N: I know this is sort of short but it was necessary. But, don't worry everyone! Please continue reading because I promise happy will come again. Promise to keep reading! I had a hard time writing this. What do you all think about the writing, not just the story? REVIEW!