Thanks to Em my wonderful beta and to the rest of the POGs for encouraging me and giving me ideas!

Love to all xxx

ps I apologise for it being so terribly angsty but enjoy and R&R x

She walked in to his office knowing she had to do this. The files were gripped to her chest, her knuckles white.

"Harry" she whispered almost silently. He didn't say anything but looked up at her, a strange cold look in his eyes. She could feel her nerve failing, but stepped forward anyway. "I need you to sign these" she said, still whispering, she couldn't find the confidence to raise her voice.

"Speak up" he said bluntly.

"I…I…"She took a deep breath. "I need you to sign these."

"Well I can't sign them if you don't give them to me." He said it forcefully, more forcefully than he had expected. He saw her quiver with every word. She closed her eyes for a second before laying them on his desk. She turned to leave. "Ruth" he said, almost inaudibly before she reached the door, it was almost as if he hadn't meant to say it but she spun round.

"Yes" she replied, looking directly at the carpet in front of his desk. She couldn't look him in the eye; she was too scared of what she might find there. He got up slowly, she didn't see but she could hear. He walked over to the windows and closed the blinds. As he closed each one, a ray of light was extinguished, leaving the office in deathly hues. She looked up, still not meeting his eyes but focusing on his slightly dishevelled shirt instead. He was getting closer to her.

"Ruth" he whispered murderously, leaning in close, his lips almost touching her ear, "I need you" he paused.

Did he really just say that? She didn't believe her ears. She let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding and moved back slightly so they were face to face, barely inches apart.

"To explain" her world crumbled as he continued: she had jumped the gun, counted her chickens, too soon. Her eyes dropped again and she could feel them starting to burn. He walked away, leaning on his desk, hands planted either side of him, out flat - one of his more dominant poses, the one he used to intimidate. He didn't mean to scare her - which he evidently was - but he felt protected and confident. "Why Ruth? Why?"

She let out her first sob as he said her name. She loved how he said it, rolling the r like a purr. Before she knew it she was pinned to the wall.

"Don't you cry!" he shouted. "You don't cry, this is your own fault!" He slapped the wall next to her head as he said it. "This is your fault Ruth."

"I know! I know, I know, Harry. I know." she said loudly, letting them soften as she continued. She turned her head so she couldn't see his face. His hand cupped her chin, bringing her back round to look in his eyes. She couldn't stop the tears from rolling, cascading down her face. When their eyes met, all she saw was how cold they were, the nothingness staring back at her. Where there had once been love there was a blank, glassy look.

"Why Ruth?" he said again, this time with a note of hurt in his voice; hurt rather than anger.

"I don't know" she said eventually, the words catching in the back of her throat. Their eyes still connected, his hand still on her chin.

"You…You …don't know?" he said, she couldn't work out if it was anger or confusion in his voice. His hand slipped from her chin to her throat and his finger tips skimmed over her skin. "You…" he shouted. Definitely anger, she decided as she pushed herself back against the wall, trying desperately to relieve herself of this situation "…don't know?" He was less than an inch away from her, breathing hard, his eyes boring in to her. If she let out the breath she held they would touch, so she held it. She was shaking, and sobbing and she didn't know what to say.

"I …I…I'm sor"

"Don't" he said, turning away. "Don't you dare Ruth, don't you dare tell me you're sorry." She sank to the floor, her back pressing against the wall with each sob that echoed through the office.

"Tell me" he said, dropping down to her level. "Come on, everything, now."

She looked back up at him, only to see him nod and drop onto his bottom, knees bent. "I need to know"

She gulped and drew her knees to her chest, trying desperately to stop the ragged breaths and compose herself enough to talk coherently. How the hell was she going to recount it, how did she make it less hurt full? She gulped and opened her mouth to talk, but nothing came out.

"Ok I'll make it easier for you, when did you meet him?"

"About 6 weeks ago."

Harry took a long, deep breath. It was longer than he thought, and he had thought a lot, in fact he had done nothing but think this week. He was useless in work, only just managing to sign the papers put in front of him marked with an X. He knew he loved her, he knew she had hurt him but he knew he couldn't live without her, the horror that had filled him when he held her lifeless form in his arms was far worse than the feeling of betrayal. He also knew he couldn't let her get away with it and that he had to debrief her.

"Where?" he carried on.

"On the bus." She couldn't look at him, she didn't want to be having this conversation but she knew it had to be done. She also knew this was pretty much a debrief. She had got caught up in an operation and Harry was debriefing her, however personal it was.

Harry had been pacing for the last twenty minutes as he made Ruth recount what had happened, right down to what she could remember about the events in the bedroom. He had sighed when she told him he had picked her up from her house, and blinked repeatedly when she talked about their time on the lake. He had stopped and watched her as she spoke about waking up after he had raped her. He paced when she said she didn't remember it.

It had become easier both to talk about and to listen to as she went on. She finished by telling him what the nurse had said and he came and sat beside her, just far enough away so they weren't touching but close enough that he could feel her presence next to him. He leant his head back against the wall. He didn't know what to make of it. On one hand he had to be professional and consider that she had made a grave mistake and really should be disciplined. It was personal too; she had made a grave mistake, she had cheated on him and had almost got them both killed…but all he wanted to do was reach over and hold her.

She could feel him next to her, but couldn't turn to look at him. She needed to tell him how sorry she was and make him believe her.

"Harry," she whispered. "I'm sorry." She sighed. "That phrase has never been so inadequate, its supposed to be the be-all and end-all but its not, its nothing, its meaningless, people use it so lightly now, they don't think about what it really means," the tears began to roll again but she carried on, "but I am Harry. I've never been so sorry in my life, I've never wanted to turn the clock back so much. I never meant to hurt you, I know it's a cliché but I didn't. I don't know what I did mean really, if I found it fun, exciting or what. There's never been a man I've wanted more, or needed more, or loved more than you. You are the one I love. I can understand if you don't feel the same anymore or never did. I'm not the easiest person to get on with, I know, but I tried, I did, I wanted to make you happy, but I couldn't, I didn't think I was what you wanted, there are so many other women out there that would fall at your feet, someone like you, you could have any one. I couldn't understand why you'd want me. I'm clumsy, moody, I've got one hell of a temper and there are so many more things wrong with me, faults other people don't have…but you were with me. I love you Harry and I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you, but I have, I know I have. No one would stay after what I've done. I don't blame you if you sack me but please know I never wanted to hurt you." She wiped the tear sliding down her cheek only for it to be swiftly replaced by another one. "I'm sorry" she whispered through her tears. What else could she say? "I love you Harry."

She brushed another tear and let her hand drop to her side. She sat, tears flowing, chest heaving, head down. He didn't respond so she decided to do the only other thing she could and leave. She tried to push herself up, laying her hands flat on the ground either side of her.

"Stay" he said, placing his hand over hers.

THE END