The (Mis)adventures of the "Death Eaters"
Declaimer: Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...Somewhere over the rainbow I would own Harry Potter. Most unfortunately this is not somewhere over the rainbow...
Voldemort Strives for the Highest
Voldemort was thinking. This didn't happen very often. He was thinking about the various Dark Lords in literally history and wondering if he was the best. He hadn't read a lot, so he decided to call upon one of his loyal minions. He decided, uncommonly wisely, on Snape.
"Snape!" he called. No answer.
"Snape!" No answer. Wait, that's Tom Sawyer, only without the 'Tom.' "SNAPE, IF YOU DON'T GET OVER HERE NOW, I'LL CURSE YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!"
"Are you sure you remember how to, my lord?" asked Snape's snide voice. Voldemort jumped. Then he realized that Snape had been in the same room with him, and had been looking at him interestedly since Voldemort had started calling.
"Of course I'm sure," Voldemort snarled, recovering from his unpleasant surprise. "Or do you want to try and find out?"
"Well, what did you want me for?" Snape asked. He decided to evade the last question. Voldemort was, after all, the Dark Lord, even though he was remarkably stupid.
"Snape, you've read a lot, right?" the fearsome Dark Lord asked.
"Yes," Snape conceded.
"Tell me, what Dark Lords have you heard of?"
"Well, not all of them are Dark Lords, but there are a fair number of vicious antagonists."
"Tell me about them,"
"Well, there was Sauron," Snape said, "he is from The Lord of the Rings, and he really is a Dark Lord."
"What is he like?"
"He was a powerful shape-shifter and enchanter, as well as a necromancer. He had many threatening shapes, and I think he preferred a menacing-looking Dark Lord and a werewolf, but he was permanently stuck as a huge flaming eye."
"So he was a big eye, and he just sat there and looked at stuff?"
"No, he corrupted lots of people."
"So did I,"
"Yes, but Sauron was a necromancer, so he could raise people from the dead,"
"So can I, I can create Inferi,"
"Yes, but his were better than Inferi."
"Well, he was defeated, right?"
"Right."
"Any other Dark Lords?"
"Also in The Lord of the Rings, there was Morgoth. Sauron was just his servant. He was permanently transformed into a Dark Lord."
"Was he defeated as well?"
"Yes,"
"Then I'm better than him," Voldemort concluded triumphantly.
Snape didn't answer.
"Anyone else?"
"Of course, there was Arawn in the Lloyd Alexander books,"
"What did he do?"
"Oh, he was evil and vicious and he had armies of deathless warriors, but they weren't as good as Sauron's. They were like Inferi. But he also had absolutely brutal huge birds."
"I'll have to work on that one. Was that one defeated?"
"Of course. Now, there was also Kal Torak in the Belgariad. He was a god, and he had a whole nation at his command. They worshiped him and sacrificed someone to him every hour."
"Hmmmm, sacrifices," Voldemort said thoughtfully.
"That's not a good idea. The sacrifices didn't make Torak very loved in other parts of the world,"
"Alright, and this one was polished off as well, right?"
"Oh, yes."
"Well, so a way of raising people fully from the dead, and huge vicious birds. Thank you, Severus. Now I know that I'm better than all those Dark Lords. They were defeated. I wasn't."
"Have you noticed the 'Dark Lord patter'?"
"No, what do you mean?"
"I mean that they always get defeated."
"So?"
"You're a Dark Lord,"
"Crucio!"
Snape ducked.
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