Another miserable day at the camp has begun. From the Administration Building a dozen Hydra officers come out, pistols at their sides. They cross the muddy compound to the barracks as Jamie begins to narrate.
"Every morning at six on the dot they'd have roll call. Every barrack had its own alarm clock. Our alarm clock was Arkady 'Omega Red' Rossovich. I understand there was a writer way back with a Arkady in it, but I can tell you one thing: Omega Red was no writer. He was a scoundrel. Was he ever a lousy scoundrel!"
"Why am I doing this?" Omega Red grumbles. "Why am I in this parody?"
Because you fit the role.
"Hey, ain't he a mutant," Fred asks.
Hmmm, I forgot about that. Okay Omega Red, for this parody you are not a mutant. Congratulations.
"Whoopie," Omega Red grunts.
Omega Red removes the bar across the door, knocks on the door with his baton, opens the door and enters. Inside he marches down the length of the barrack blowing his whistle, shouting and beating bunks with his baton. "Get up, gentlemen! Roll Call! Out! Hurry up!"
Everyone starts to get out or roll over in their bunks groaning while Omega Red shouts. "You must get up for roll call! Out, out, gentlemen! Everybody get up! Out!" While Omega Red yells various guys complain or shout back.
"We heard you, Omega Red!"
"Aw, break it off!"
"Tell the Commandant I've got dysentery!"
"Why don't you take that whistle and…"
"I'm sick, I got scarlet fever!"
"Knock it off Omega Red!"
"Out! Out! Get up!"
"Okay, come on you sack rats! Cut the beefin' and get up!" Logan shouts. Scott stops Omega Red as he walks by.
"Say Omega Red. You guys had machine gun practice last night?" Scott asks.
"Ach, terrible! Such foolish boys. Such nice boys," Omega Red sighs. "I'd better not talk about it, it makes me sick to my stomach." He walks past Scott and Logan.
"Get up! Get up! Get up! Roll Call! Everybody! Out! Out!" Lance gets out of his bunk and stares at Omega Red.
"You killed them, huh? Both of 'em?" Lance asks.
"Such nice boys! It makes me sick to my…"
"Don't wear it out!" Lance growls, walking away.
Omega Red moves to Caliban who is sitting in his bunk playing his ocarina. Omega Red raps the sweet potato with his stick and jerks his foot. "Get up everybody! You too! Put away that piccolo! Come on, let's go dunderhead!"
Logan comes over and grabs Omega Red's arm. "Lay off Casper. He's got a sickness. You know he's kaunk."
"Ah, sometimes I think he is fooling us with that crazy business," Omega Red scoffs.
"Yeah? How would you like to see the guts of nine pals splattered all over you?" Logan shoots back. He motions to Caliban. "C'mon Caliban, don't be afraid."
Omega Red approaches Fred and Todd's bunk. He taps the sleeping form of Fred on the shoulder. "Get up, gentlemen! Get up! You do not want to stay in bed on such a beautiful morning we are having today, eh!"
"Say, Omega Red," Todd gets his attention.
"Yeah?"
Todd motions him to come closer. Omega Red bends down. "Vy Govorite po Russki?" Todd asks.
"Da," Omega Red replies.
"Then Droppite po Deadski!"
Omega Red straightens up and laughs along with Todd. "Droppite po Deadski! Always with the jokes!" He moves on. "Get up! Get up! Roll Call!"
Todd stops laughing and bends over Fred, shaking him. "Wake up, Freddy. Come on Freddy, wake up!"
Fred doesn't budge. Todd knocks against the bunk board. Fred opens his eyes automatically. "Good morning, Freddy!" Todd says sweetly. "What do you want for breakfast? Scrambled eggs with little sausages? Bacon and eggs sunny-side up? Griddle cakes? A waffle?"
"This is one of the bravest or one of the stupidest things I've ever seen," Bobby backs away seeing the look in Fred's eyes.
Fred slowly starts to get up. "Stop it Toad, I'm warning you!"
Todd continues anyway. "Coffee? Milk? Or maybe a little cocoa?"
Fred props himself up on one arm. "Why do you do this to me every morning?"
"Every morning?" Sam blinks at Todd. "How is it you're still alive?"
Todd continues with sadistic speed. "Hamburger and onions! Strawberry shortcake! Gefillte fish! Chopped liver! Chicken a la king!"
Fred starts to straggle Todd with his own scarf. "I'll kill you, Toad so help me!"
Todd stops and manages to yank his scarf out of Fred's grasp. "Let go, Freddy! It's roll call! Trask is waiting to meet us!"
Remy is standing near his bunk getting dressed. Jamie is helping him get into his trench coat.
Omega Red looks at Evan and Roberto's bunks and takes out a small notebook and pencil. "Let us see. We have now two empty bunks here. Number twenty-one and twenty-two in Barrack Four."
Scott walks up to him. "Suppose you let those mattresses cool off a little, just out of decency?"
Omega Red addresses him. "Yeah I agree. It is only that we are cramped for space, new prisoners coming in every day." He finishes writing and walks to the door shouting as guys leave . "Gentlemen! Outside! Please! Do you want me to have trouble with the Commandant again, eh! Outside! Out!"
Fred and Todd walk over to Omega Red. "Hey, Omega Red," Fred asks. "As long as you're going to move somebody in, how about a couple of those mutant broads?
"Mutant female prisoners?" Omega Red asks.
"Da!" Todd grins.
"Some are not bad at all," Omega Red suggests.
"Yeah, just get us a couple with beautiful glockenspiels," Fred grins.
All three of them laugh loudly until Omega Red stops abruptly and shouts, "Droppite po Deadski! Out!"
"Out! Out!" Fred growls.
"Down boy! Down!" Todd commands to Fred.
The three of them continue their banter as they march out of the barracks.
Out in the compound the mutants line up in front of their barracks facing the center of the compound. Logan call out to his group. "All right guys, fall in!" Omega Red walks down the line taking a head count. As Omega Red passes him Alex spots Roberto's corpse and what is left of Evan's, covered with a blanket, the bag still tied to what remains of Evan's leg. Alex nudges Scott. Scott nudges Lance, Lance nudges Fred, Fred nudges Todd, Todd nudges Jamie. Jamie nudges Remy who is putting on his gloves. He looks at the corpses as he finishes putting on his gloves.
A couple of guards have been laying narrow planks over the mud from the Administration Building to the middle of the compound. A officer shouts, "Attention! Attention! The Commandant!"
All the Hydra soldiers salute. Through the open door of the Administration Building steps the Commandant, Edward Kelly. He wears a thick officer's coat and well shined boots.
"Well at least I get a half decent part in this parody," Kelly grumbles. "I get to watch over a bunch of crazy mutant teenagers! Didn't I have enough of that as principal of Bay…"
ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPP!!
A bolt of lighting strikes Kelly.
"YEEEAAOOOWWW!" Kelly screams. "THAT WASN'T IN THE MOVIE!"
So I take a few liberties. Now shut up and continue with the parody!
Kelly recovers and walks down the planks, followed by two officers marching through the mud on both sides of him. Kelly stops at the end of the plank. In front of him lies a big puddle. He addresses the compound. "Good Morning, Mutants!"
No reply. Kelly looks at the sky. "Nasty weather we're having, eh? And I so much hoped that we could give you a white Christmas, just like the ones you used to know. Aren't those the words that clever little man wrote. You know the one who's name is that of Germany's capital, that something-or-other Berlin?"
Omega Red walks up to one of the officers and hands him a slip of paper, and walks back while Kelly continues. "Look at that mud. Come spring-and I do hope you'll still be with us next spring-we shall plant some grass here, and perhaps some daffodils…"
Kelly turns to the officer. "Report!"
The officer reports. "Report prisoner count: One hundred and eighteen prisoners. Two prisoners missing in Barrack Four."
Kelly turns to the mutants. "I understand we are minus two prisoners this morning. I am surprised at you, gentlemen. Here I am trying to be your friend and you do these embarrassing things to me. Don't you know this could get me into hot water with the High Command? They would court martial me, after all these years of a perfect record! Now you wouldn't want that to happen to me, would you? Fortunately, those two prisoners…"
Kelly is interrupted by some weird sounds as Caliban plays his ocarina again, oblivious to everything. Fred turns and gently grabs the ocarina from Caliban's mouth.
Kelly pauses and ignores the interruption. "As I was saying, fortunately those two prisoners did not get very far. They had the good sense to rejoin us again so my record would stand unblemished. Nobody has ever escaped from Esuohdam 17. Not alive, anyway."
A guard pulls back the blanket to reveal everything except Evan's and Roberto's heads.
Logan silently fumes for a bit then marches up to Kelly. "Prisoner Logan from Barrack Four."
"Yes, Prisoner Logan?" Kelly asks.
"As the duly elected Compound Chief, I protest the way these bodies are left lying in the mud."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. According to the Marvel Convention, dead prisoners are to be given a decent burial."
"Of course. I'm aware of the Marvel Convention. They will be given the burial they deserve. Or perhaps you would suggest we haul in twenty-one cannons from the Acolyte Front and give them a twenty-one gun salute?"
Logan turns and walks back while the guard throws the blanket back over the bodies.
Kelly addresses the compound. "For the last time, gentlemen, let me remind you: any prisoners found outside the barracks after lights out will be shot on sight. Furthermore, the iron stove in Barrack Four, the one camouflaging the trap door, will be removed. And so that the prisoners from this barrack will not suffer from the cold, they will keep warm by filling in the escape tunnel. Is that clear?"
Silence. Kelly continues. "All right, then, gentlemen. We are all friends again! And with Christmas coming on, I have a special treat for you. I'll have you all deloused for the holidays. And I'll have a little tree for every barrack. You will like that."
Suddenly, Fred throws Caliban's ocarina toward Kelly with a quick underhand flip. It lands in the puddle in front of Kelly and splashes his boots with mud.
Kelly frowns, serious. "Who did this?" Silence. "I will give the funny man exactly five seconds to step forward." Nobody moves. "All right, then you shall all stand here if it takes all day and all night."
Hearing this Fred steps forward. "That is better!" Kelly says.
But Todd shifts slightly and steps forward alongside Fred. Then Lance and Scott and Alex. Then all the guys from every barracks follow until they have all stepped forward.
Kelly looks around. "I see! One hundred eighteen funny men! There will be no Christmas trees! But there will be delousing with ice water from the hoses!"
He turns around and marches back up the plank into the Administration Building. A officer shouts "Dismissed!"
The mutants break off and go in all directions. Caliban slowly walks toward the puddle where Fred threw his ocarina. He bends down and picks it up. It's broken in two. He tries to put in back together but it doesn't work.
Everybody's now inside the latrine and lined up on both sides of a water trough washing up.
Fred imitates Kelly. "'Good morning Mutants! We will remove the iron stove, the one that was camouflaging the trap door…'"
"Wow, that was really good," Sam blinks.
Todd interrupts Fred. "I'm telling you Freddy, these Hydra's ain't Kosher yo."
"Yeah, you can say that again!" Fred agrees.
"I'm telling you Freddy, these Hydra's ain't Ko –"
Fred grabs him. "I said you could say it again, that doesn't mean you have ta repeat it!"
Todd shrugs it off, then spies some soap on the counter and reaches for it.
"Wait a minute! Toad is reaching for soap?" Lance asks.
"That just shows how bad conditions are in this camp," Todd shrugs.
"Great," Lance groans.
Todd's hand is above the soap when Remy's lathered hand slaps it, hard.
"Private property, bub," Remy says.
"Are you trying to impersonate Logan or something," Jamie asks.
"Don't even think about it Gumbo!" Logan warns.
Lance looks across the water trough at Scott. "How come the Snakes knew about that stove, Security? And the tunnel? How come you can't lay down a belch around here without them knowing it?"
Scott looks up. "Look, if you don't like the way I'm handling this job go get yourself…"
"Kill it, Avalanche. It's got us all spinning," Logan butts in.
"I just want to know what makes those Snakes so smart," Lance protests.
"Maybe they're doin' it with radar," Fred suggests. "Maybe they got a mike hidden somewhere."
"Yeah. Right up Caliban's ocarina," Todd dries his face.
"Or maybe it's not that they're so smart. Maybe it's that we're so stupid," Lance thinks. "Maybe there's somebody in our barracks that's tipping 'em off like one of us!"
"You don't say," Remy says.
"Yes I do say!" Lance shoots back. "One of us is a stoolie. A dirty, stinkin' stoolie!"
"Is that Einstein's theory or did you figure it out for yourself?" Remy asks.
"Hey! Hey!" Pyro runs in yelling. "New shelias in the girls compound!"
Everyone runs out of the latrine in and joins a stampede toward the girls compound. Fred runs right out of his shoes and slips in the mud on the way over.
The guys crowd behind a low warning wire waving, giving cat-calls, wolf-whistles, or just plain yelling.
"Oh you sweethearts! Let's open the third front!" Todd yells.
On the other side of the fence a dozen girls in uniforms-including Rogue, Kitty, Wanda, Amara, Tabitha, Danielle and Callisto-stand while the guards count them. Some of wave and them yell back.
"Hey, Wanda, Wanda! How about a little room just the two of us!" Todd yells.
"Don't even think about it!" Wanda shouts.
Fred runs right next to Todd. "Dames! Dames! Hey ladies, ladies! Look at those babes!" Fred strikes a pose. "Hey, look at me! I'm your baby!" He grabs Todd. "Get a load of that blonde she's built like a brick Kremlin!"
"What the heck is that supposed to mean," Tabitha demands.
Todd yells, "Hey Tabby! Here I am! Todd Tolensky, the Mutant Romeo of Barrack Four!"
Fred grabs him. "Lay off! The blonde is mine!"
The girls start to be led away by the guards. Fred yells out. "Hey, Tabby, Tabby! Wait for me!"
He tries to follow, trips over the warning wire and falls flat on his face in the mud.
A guard in a guard tower notices and takes aim with a machine gun. "Get back or I'll shoot! Get back!"
Todd and a few other guys grab Fred by the feet and try to pull him back.
"Just are we supposed ta do this?" Sam asks. "The guy's unmovable."
Piotr comes up in his armored state, gets a hold of Fred and with great effort manages to get him back over the wire, the muddy ground a big help.
"Let me go! Let me go!" Fred yells.
"They'll shoot you, Freddy!" Todd warns.
"I don't care! I'm invulnerable! Let me go!"
A whistle blows and some of the guys yell "Chow!". Everyone except Fred and Todd start to go back to the barracks. Todd leans over Fred's shoulder.
"Chow, Freddy, Chow!" Todd yells in Fred's ear while he struggles to get up.
"I don't want to eat! I wanna go over there! I just want to talk with them," Fred protests.
"There's a statement I thought I'd never hear," Lance quips.
"No you don't Freddy! You don't want to talk to any broads with boots on!" Todd argues.
"I don't care if they wear galoshes!" Fred shoots back.
"You want Jean Grey!" Todd shouts.
"WHAT!" Jean shouts.
Just wait. All will be explained soon.
"No I don't!" Fred protests.
Get back in character, Fred!
"Sorry," Fred continues to struggle to get up. "Let me go!"
"Jean Grey!" Todd shouts again.
Fred stops struggling. "Remember Freddy I told you once the war's over I'd get ya a date with Jean Grey?"
"How are you going to get me a date with Jean Grey?" Fred asks.
"Probably kidnap her again," Scott fumes.
"That was a misunderstanding and you know it!" Lance defends Fred.
Ahem.
"How?" Todd repeats. "We go to Bayville. I got a cousin that works for the Bayville Gas Company. That's how we get the address, see? Then we go to the house and I ring the bell and when she comes to the door I say, 'Congratulations, Miss Grey. We have voted you the girl we'd most like to be behind barbed wire with, and I'm here to present the award'."
"What's the award?" Fred asks.
"What d'ya think, jerko! You're the award!"
"Me? Well supposing she don't want me?"
"Oh if she don't want you, she don't get nothing."
"Thank goodness!" Jean shouts.
Fred grabs Todd in a headlock. "You're teasing me again Toad!"
Todd chokes and tries to get lose. "Let go, Freddy! It's chow! We'll miss chow!"
"Chow," Fred releases Todd and they both run to the barracks.
Inside Sam is ladling some thin potato soup from a wash tub into Lance's bowl while Alex cuts pieces of dry, crummy bread. Bobby is behind Lance and last in line. As Sam ladles soup into his bowl Bobby asks, "Are you supposed to drink this stuff or shave?"
"Drink," Sam says.
Lance takes a sip of his. "Shave."
Sam turns around and yells, "Anyone else want potato soup?"
"No," everyone responds.
"Ya sure?"
"Yeah." Sam takes out a washboard, a pair of socks, puts them in the soup and starts scrubbing them.
Fred and Todd run in. "Chow! Chow! Where's my chow!" Fred gasps. He and Todd grab their bowls and run to the soup tub smiling. When they see Sam's socks in the tub they are shocked. Fred slowly and dangerous glares at Sam. "Do you have ta put your socks in my breakfast?!"
"Tough luck," Sam says.
"You're a brave, brave man to say that," Bobby says.
Fred looks like he's going to cry. He slams his bowl into the tub. "I hate this life!"
Remy comes in and throws his trench coat on his bunk carrying in his hand the most beautiful thing in the world: an egg.
Jamie is at the stove with a small skillet and can of hot water. Remy takes some keys out of his pocket and gives them to Jamie. "Set 'er up, Jamie. I'm starved."
"I'm all r-r-ready," Jamie indicates the skillet.
Todd nudges Fred and points toward the stove.
Jamie takes the can and goes over to their bunks while Fred and Todd move to get a closer look. Remy cracks the egg into the skillet. Fred and Todd watch silently, then move closer, their eyes never leaving the egg. The barrack has drawn silent as everyone watches the egg frying. Fred and Todd move right up to the stove. Fred bends down to the skillet. Todd gently holds him back. "Easy, Freddy! Easy!"
Fred looks up at Remy. "Where'd it come from?"
"From a chicken, bug-wit," Remy says.
"A chicken?" Fred repeats.
"A chicken lays those things. Don't you remember, Freddy?" Todd asks.
Fred looks in confusion at the egg, and then at Todd. "Hey, it's beautiful!" He grins at Remy. "Are you gonna eat it all by yourself?"
"Uh-huh. The yellow and the white," Remy expertly flips the egg .
"Is it all right if we smell it?" Fred asks.
"Just don't drool on it," Remy warns.
Fred closes his eyes and takes in the aroma. Todd points to the broken eggshells.
"You're not going to eat the shells?" Todd points out.
"Help yourself," Remy waves.
Todd takes the eggshells. Fred glares at him. Todd gives half a shell to Fred. Fred grins. "Gee, thanks." He frowns. "What're we goin' to do with it?"
Todd looks at him. "We're gonna plant it, Freddy. We're gonna grow us a chicken for Christmas."
Remy judges the egg done and moves to his bunk, Fred and Todd watching the egg. Jamie has opened the footlocker where he's gotten some stuff out and made instant coffee. Remy sits on a short stool while Jamie puts salt and pepper on the egg. The situation is tense.
"If I were you Gumbo, I'd eat that egg some place else. Like for instance under the barracks," Logan growls.
Remy ignores him. "Coffee looks a little weak today." Jamie puts some more instant coffee into the can.
"Come on, Trader Horn! Let's hear it. What'd you give the Snakes for that egg?" Lance asks.
Remy begins to eat. "Forty-five pixie sticks. Price has gone up."
"That wouldn't be the pixie sticks you took us for last night?" Lance asks.
"What was I going to do with them? I only eat tootsie rolls," Remy explains.
"Nice guy!" Lance looks at Logan. "The Snakes shoot Evan and Roberto last night and today he's out trading with them."
"Look," Remy says. "This may be my last hot breakfast on account of they're going to take that stove outta here, so would you let me eat it in peace?"
"Now ain't that too bad! Tomorrow he'll have to suck a raw egg!" Fred mocks.
"Aw, he don't have to worry," Todd adds. "He can always trade the Snakes for a six-burner gas range. Maybe a deep freeze too."
"What's the beef, hommes? So I'm trading. Everybody here is trading. So maybe I trade a little sharper. Does that make me a collaborator?" Remy asks.
"A lot sharper, Remy! I'd like to have some of that loot you got in those footlockers!" Lance snaps.
"Oh you would, would you?" Remy says. "Listen Avalanche, the first week I was in this joint somebody stole my Red Cross package, my blanket and my left shoe. Well since then I've wised up. This ain't no Salvation Army, this is everybody for himself. Dog eat dog."
"You stink, Remy!" Lance lunges at him.
Logan moves in and throws Lance off. "Avalanche come off it!"
Remy gets up. "Now you've done it. You've given me nervous indigestion. Here Caliban." Remy hands him the rest of the egg and looks back at the guys. "Anything else bothering you boys?"
"Yeah, just one little thing," Scott says sitting at the table. "How come you were so sure Evan and Roberto wouldn't get out of the forest?"
Remy slowly walks around the table. "I wasn't so sure. I just liked the odds." He gets suspicious. "What's that crack supposed to mean?
"They're lying dead out there in the mud and I'm trying to find out how come," Scott says.
"I'll tell you how come," Remy gets in Scott's face. "Because you our Security Officer said it'd be safe and you the Barrack Chief gave them the green light, that's how come!" Remy points at Logan.
"What're you guys trying to prove anyway?" Remy stands back up, pacing. "Cutting trap doors! Digging tunnels!"
"Listen Remy…" Lance shouts.
"You listen to me!" Remy cuts him off. "What do you think the chances are of getting out of here? And let's say you make it to S.H.I.E.L.D! Let's say to Bayville? So what? They ship you who knows where and slap you in another team and you get captured again only this time you wind up in a GRSO prison camp! That is if you're lucky! Well, I'm no escape artist. Tootsie roll, Jamie," Remy nods to Jamie. "You can be the heroes, the guys with fruit salad on your chest. Me I'm staying put. And I'm going to make myself as comfortable as I can. And if it takes a little trading with the enemy to get me some food or a better mattress, that's okay by Remy!"
Jamie hands Remy a tootsie roll. Lance gets in Remy's face. "Why you crud! This war's going to be over some day! Then what do you think we'll do to Snake-kissers like you?" Lance lunges at Remy while Fred, Scott, and Logan try to hold him back.
"At ease! At ease!" Pietro, the Inter-Barrack Communications Officer enters followed by a one-legged Facade with crutches. "At ease!"
"Alright, break it off down there! At ease for the news!" Sam yells.
Pietro stand on a stool and reads from a piece of paper. "Today's Camp News! Father McCoy announces that due to local regulations the Christmas midnight Mass will be held at seven in the morning! He also says, quote: All you sack rats better show up for the services and no bull from anybody. Unquote."
Guys grumble. "At ease!" Pietro shouts.
"At ease!" Fred shouts mockingly .
Pietro shoots an annoyed look at Fred. "Next. Monday afternoon a sailboat race will be held at the cesspool. See Scaleface of Barrack Two if you wish to enter a yacht." Guys laugh. "Alright at ease!"
"At ease!" Fred mocks.
Pitero is annoyed but continues reading. "Next. Facade and Lucid will play Forge and Legion for the pinochle championship of the camp."
"That's a fix," Todd remarks. Guys agree with him.
"Alright, at ease!" Pietro shouts.
"At ease!" Fred mocks.
"Next. Tuesday afternoon at two o'clock all men from Texas will meet behind the north latrine." Boos and laughs. "Alright, at ease!"
"At ease!"
"Next: A warning from the Commandant." Boos. "Anybody found throwing rocks at low-flying Hydra aircraft will be thrown in the boob." More boos. "Alright at ease!" Pietro puts the paper away and asks in a low voice. "Are the doors covered?"
Logan glances around. "Yeah, doors are covered."
Pietro turns to Façade. "Okay, Facade. Give 'em the radio."
Facade leans against a table and pulls up his empty pant leg. Alex reaches in and pulls out a small radio with a pair of headphones. He hands them to Logan.
"You can keep it for two days," Pietro says.
"Two days?" Logan protests. "We're supposed to have it for a week!"
"You're lucky to get it at all," Pietro says. "The guys are afraid the Snakes'll find it here. This barrack is jinxed!"
"Don't worry. We'll take care of it," Scott assures.
Logan turns to Fred and Todd. "Get some guys and get the antenna going. We'll see if we can catch the MNN."
"Get the antenna! Get the antenna!" Fred and Todd chant. Fred picks up a roll of chicken wire from under a bunk and heads outside. "Got the antenna!"
"And I got the ball! I got the ball!" Todd gets a volleyball and follows Fred.
Outside the chicken wire is set up as a volleyball net. Guys are playing while Fred attaches a wire to it and slips the end through a window.
Inside Logan connects the wire to the radio on the table. Alex has the headphones on and working the dials with Scott sitting next to him with a pencil and paper. Everybody else stands around.
"Getting anything?" Scott asks.
"Getting too much. Tryin' to unscramble," Alex works the radio.
"If you can't get the MNN, how about a little Guy Lombardo?" Remy jokes.
"Are we boring you, Gumbo?" Logan growls.
"Hold it! Quiet!" Alex says. He repeats what he hears out loud while Scott writes it down. "Five armored divisions and nine infantry divisions of Gauntlet's army are pouring into the wide breach…"
"Snakes have busted through," Lance grumbles.
Alex continues. "The second Hydra wedge is reported fourteen miles west of New York City where tank columns cut the road to Trenton…" Lance bangs the table with his fist in anger.
Outside the game continues with guys singing the Schnitzelbank song. A bored Hydra guard walks by watching and walks into the wire leading through the window. He looks at it curiously. Todd quickly hands him the ball and mimics hitting it over the net. The guard throws it back. Fred hits it to Todd who hands it back to the guard. The guard throws it over the net again, getting into the game.
Todd gets the ball and indicates the guard. "Wonderful! Isn't he wonderful!"
The guard hands Todd his rifle and excitedly hits the ball over the net as the game continues.
Back inside Alex continues the news. "…has driven across Pennsylvania. The Mutant Aerial Forces are grounded by poor visibility. Meanwhile two of Xavier's X-Men teams have been diverted toward Trenton and are trying to…" The radio jams. Alex plays with the dials.
"Come on!" Logan growls.
"Static!" Alex explains.
"Static is right!" Lance complains. "The radio's static, Xavier's static and we're static!"
"Looks like it's going to be a longer war than you figured, eh Lance?" Remy says.
Sam has been up in a bunk watching the compound. He turns down to everyone. "Easy."
Outside Omega Red and three Hydra soldiers are getting close to the barrack.
"Watch it, watch it!" Sam pulls on a string, shaking all the wash in the barrack. Immediately Alex takes off the headphones, Scott gets the trick bucket and they both hide the radio inside.
Omega Red stops outside and sees the guard playing volleyball. Omega Red blows a whistle right when the guard gets the ball. The guard turns, nervously stands at attention, and hands Omega Red the ball. Omega Red takes it while the guard reaches for his rifle which Todd hands him. Omega Red tosses the ball to Fred and enters the barrack. Todd and Fred follow.
Inside everyone is whistling and failing horribly to look innocent. Omega Red glances around. "Well, well gentlemen. Am I interrupting something?"
"Yeah, Casper. We were just passing out guns," Logan quips.
Omega Red looks around, worried. "Guns?" He laughs. "Aw, you joking! Always with the wisecrackers!"
Todd mimics him. "Wisecrackers? Where did he pick up his English? In a pretzel factory?"
Omega Red nudges him. "You always think I'm a square. I've been to New York, been wrestling there! I wrestled in Bayville and Albany and Brooklyn. And I will go back! The way the war is going I will be there before you!"
Todd grins. "You should live so long."
They both laugh loudly then stop suddenly. Omega Red takes out his wallet and shows Fred a picture. "Here. That's me in Bayville."
Fred looks at it. "Who's the other wrestler? The one with the mustache?"
"That's my wife," Omega Red says proudly.
Fred grins. "Hey, look at all that meat. Ain't she the bitter end! In fact she looks a lot like my Aunt Ralph!"
Omega Red snatches the picture. "Oh, give it back! You must not arouse yourselves."
"Hey, Omega Red!" Todd whispers. "I got a deal for you. Suppose you help us escape. We'll go home and have everything waiting for you in Madison Square Garden. For the heavyweight wrestling championship of the world! In this corner, Omega Red! The Hero of Hydra, versus the Hunchback of Esuohdam 17!" Fred takes the ball and stuffs it up the back of his shirt, striking a pose.
Omega Red and Todd laugh. "Droppite po Deadski! Out with the stove. Come on, lets go!"
The soldiers start to dismantle the stove and take it out while some guys complain.
Omega Red addresses everyone. "And now gentlemen we will now all go outside for a little gymnastics! We will grab some shovels and we will undig that tunnel which you digged."
Fred nudges him. "Omega Red! Why don't we just plug up the tunnel with the Commandant on one end and you on the other!"
Omega Red laughs. "It isn't me. It's the orders. I'm your friend. I am your best friend here."
"Cut out the guff, Omega Red. We're on to you," Lance growls. "You know everything that's happening in this barrack. Who's tipping you off?"
"Tipping me off?" Omega Red looks confused. "I do not understand."
"You're wasting your time, Avalanche," Logan says. He yells to the barrack, "Come on everybody, outside! Let's get it over with."
"Wait a second, Logan," Scott stops him. "Omega Red says he's our best friend. Maybe he can give us a little hint."
"Come on, Omega Red! Spill it!" Lance says. "How did you get the information? About Evan and Roberto? About the stove and the tunnel?" Gets nothing. "Alright Omega Red, who's giving it to you? Which one of us is it?!"
"Which one of you is what?" Omega Red asks.
"Which one of us is the informer?" Scott demands.
"Are you trying to say that one mutant would inform on another mutant?" Omega Red shouts.
"That's the general idea!" Lance looks at Remy. "Only it's not so general as far as I'm concerned."
"You are talking crazy!" Omega Red scoffs.
Remy comes over. "It's no use, Omega Red. You might as well come clean. Why don't you just tell 'em it's me. Because I'm really the illegitimate son of Trask. And after Hydra wins the war you're gonna make me the Governor of Bayville!"
Omega Red laughs while guys exit the barracks. "You mutants! You are the craziest people! That's why I like you! Oh I wish I could invite you all to my house for a nice Hydra Christmas, eh!" He puts his arms around Fred and Todd. "Out!"
"Out! Out!" Fred barks.
"Down boy!" Todd shouts.
"Out!"
"Out! Out!"
"Down boy!"
Fred and Todd leave. Omega Red continues to laugh but stops when he sees a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling over a table. Its cord is tied up with a loop and slip knot.
Omega Red looks around to make sure everyone has left. He walks over to the chessboard on the table, serious. He takes the black queen, opens it revealing a slip of paper. He takes a identical queen out of his pocket and switches them. He pulls the loop and slip knot free and walks out.
Notes: MNN stands for the Multiple News Network, stated in several Red Witch stories. And Fred really does have an Aunt Ralph, also mentioned in several Red Witch stories.
Vy govorite po russki? - Do you speak Russian?