Outside everyone is lined up along the length of the caved-in tunnel and are using shovels to fill it in while being watched by a few guards. Everyone stops working to watch a cart with two coffins and crosses pass by. Jamie narrates.
"Those poor suckers Evan and Roberto! They got out of Esuohdam 17 all right, only not quite the way they wanted to go."
The guys take off their hats while Jamie continues. "Somebody in our outfit was tipping off the Snakes sure enough, only who was it? Fred or Todd or Logan or Scott or Alex or Goofy Caliban or Lance? Sure wasn't me. Maybe it was Remy. Remy 'Gambit' Lebeau. I guess it's about time I told you a few more things about that Remy guy. If I was anything of a writer I'd send it in to the Reader's Digest for one of those 'Most Unforgettable C-Characters You've Ever Met'."
Inside Barracks Four a racetrack-a double circle made of cardboard about 6 feet in diameter-is on the floor while a bunch of guys are sitting around it. Off to the side Remy is at a makeshift bookie's desk handing out betting tickets while guys line up to make wagers in pixie sticks. Hanging up is the odds board:
NO. -- HORSE -- ODDS
1 -- Whirlaway -- 3-1
2 -- Seabiscuit -- 5-1
3 -- Equipoise -- 1-1
4 -- Twenty Grand -- 4-1
5 -- Schnickelfritz -- 10-1
Jamie continues. "He was a Big Time Operator. Always hustling, always scrounging. Take for instance the horse races. Every Saturday and Sunday he'd put on horse races. He was the sole owner and operator of the Esuohdam 17 Turf Club. He was the Presiding Steward, the Chief Handicapper, the Starter, the Judge, the Breeder and his own bookie. He was the whole works…except that I was the stable boy for five pixie sticks a day."
Pyro makes a bet. "Give me Equipoise, ten on the nose!" Remy checks to make sure Pyro's pixie sticks are whole, then gives him his betting tickets. Fred and Todd are next. Fred looks at the board while Todd leans against the desk.
"Come on, come on!" Remy hurries them.
Fred makes a bet. "Ten on Schnickelfritz."
Todd interrupts him, confident. "Equipoise."
Fred looks at Todd. "Schnickelfritz."
"Equipoise," Todd insists.
Remy hurries them. "Come on hommes, the horses are at the post."
Fred checks with Todd. "Equipoise?"
"Equipoise," Todd nods.
Fred turns to Remy. "Ten on Equipoise." Remy gives them their tickets and they go sit down.
Ray is last. "Five on Seabiscuit and I'll pay you when the Red Cross parcels come in."
Remy cuts him off. "No credit."
"Have a heart, Remy!" Ray pleads.
"Sorry, it's against the rules of Racing Commission. Any more bets?" Remy looks around. "Ready Jamie?"
Jamie is standing next to the track holding a string to a box lying on the track. "R-R-Ready!"
"Let 'em go!"
Jamie pulls the string and the body of the box comes off, revealing five mice with numbers 1 to 5 attached to their tails. The mice take off down the track while Remy announces, "And they're off and running at Esuohdam 17!"
Guys yell and cheer, rooting for their chosen mice while the mice speed around the track.
Fred is chanting, "Come on Equipoise! Come on you beauty!"
Equipoise pulls in front. Todd shakes Fred's arm. "Equipoise! What did I tell you Freddy!"
"Come on, baby! Don't be no rat! Daddy'll buy you a piece of cheese!" Fred roots.
"Let's go! Let's go!" Todd cheers.
Equipoise suddenly stops and starts chasing his tail. Fred points down the track. "This way! This way!"
"Straighten out, you dog!" Todd yells. The other mice pass Equipoise.
"Hey that's no horse, that's a dervish!" Fred curses.
"Please! Please! For Daddy! For Daddy!" Todd begs.
The mice cross the finish line, Schnickelfritz being the first. Everyone boos except for the few who won. Jamie steps into the center of the track. "The winner is Number Five, Schnickelfritz!"
Fred gets angry and glares at Todd. "Schnickelfritz! I told you Schnickelfritz! You make me bet on Equipoise!" He tears up his tickets.
"I clocked him this morning yo. He was running like a doll," Todd sighs.
Fred grabs him by the collar. "You clocked him! Why don't I clock you?" Fred lets Todd go.
We see a strange contraption: pots, rubber and metal pipes, a bugle, and a flame burning under a pot. Jamie explains.
"Another one of his enterprises was the distillery. He ran a bar right in our barrack selling apple cider at two pixie sticks a shot. The guys called it the Flamethrower, but it wasn't really that bad. We brewed the stuff out of old apple peels and once in a while a couple of strings off the Red Cross parcels, just to give it a little flavor."
(By the way, since the only thing available to drink in the camp is water, coffee, tea, or water with some pixie stick sugar, any other form of beverage is highly sought-after.) And Fred, remember to be in character.
"Right, be in character," Fred repeats.
Behind a makeshift bar Jamie is dispensing drinks for customers while Todd and Fred lean on the bar. Fred pulls out a big photo and opens it, crying. "It ain't fair, Toad. I'm telling you, it ain't fair!" He puts the photo on the bar. It's a picture of Jean in a modeling pose. "My Jean! Ain't she beautiful! She married an or-chest-ra leader!"
"WHAT!" Jean and Scott yell.
Oh calm down, it's just a movie!
"What is it with Fred having a crush on Jean?" Kitty asks.
It's just part of the movie.
"IS THAT WHY I HAVE THIS PART?" Jean shouts.
Yeah.
Everyone except Jean and Scott are laughing. "SHUT UP!" Jean yells.
Alright, back to the parody.
"I will not kill you…I will not kill you…" Jean mutters, twitching.
Todd tries to comfort Fred. "So what? There's other women yo!"
"Not for me!" Fred starts to kiss the photo of Jean on the lips. "Jean! Jean!"
"HAHAHAHAHA! This is priceless!" Pietro whoops.
"SHUT UP PIETRO!"
Todd pats Fred on his head. "Forget Jean, Freddy! I'll get ya a date with some of those mutant girls!"
"You'll get me a date," Fred sobs.
"Sure. I'll get you into the girl's compound!" Todd says.
Fred looks up. "How? Facade from Barrack Two tried get 'en over there and they shot him in the leg! With a bazooka!"
"Hence his missing leg," Ray notes.
"It takes a gimmick, Freddy," Todd whispers confidentially. "I figured us a little gimmick."
"You did?" Fred smiles.
Todd taps his forehead. "Sharp. Sometimes I'm so sharp it's frightening."
"The thought of you being sharp at all is frightening," Scott quips.
Jamie sets two small tin cups on the bar. Todd picks one up. "To the Brick Kremlin!"
Fred picks up his and look at the photo. "She'll never forgive me!"
"Wanna bet?" Jean growls.
"Come on Freddy!" Todd holds his nose and they both down their drinks. They immediately start choking and coughing. Fred pulls his cap down over his face and hold his stomach.
Todd waves Jamie over and manages to get out, "What are you serving today? Nitric acid?"
"I only work here, talk to the Management," Jamie points over his shoulder.
"Alright," Todd slaps a still coughing Fred on the back and walks behind the bar to Remy who is taking inventory of his pixie sticks. "Mr. Management. What are you trying to do yo? Embalm us while we're alive?"
"What did you expect for two pixie sticks?" Remy looks up at him. "Welch's White Grape Cocktail? All the house guarantees is you don't go blind."
"Blind! Toad!" Todd looks back at Fred. Fred tries to look around and waves his arms out, not realizing his cap is still pulled down over his eyes.
"Toad! Toad I'm blind! Toad, Toad where are ya? I can't see, I'm blind Toad! Toad, Toad, I'm blind!"
Todd walks back over to Fred and stares at him. "Blind? How stupid can you get, Freddy?" Todd puts his hand on Fred's head and slowly puts back his cap, revealing Fred's wide open eyes. Todd waves his hand in front of Fred's face. Fred blinks, follows Todd's hand with his eyes and smiles.
There's a baseball bat-sized telescope set up on a tripod at a end window of the barracks. Next to it is Jamie who is chewing a tootsie roll while standing behind a table piled with pixie sticks and chocolate bars. Pyro is looking through the telescope. Jamie explains.
"The killer-diller, of course, the real bonanza, was when Remy put up the Observatory. He scrounged himself some high-powered Snake lenses and a magnifying mirror, and got Forge from Barrack One to put the whole shebang together for a pound of coffee. On a clear day you could have seen the Rocky Mountains, only who wanted to see the Rocky Mountains?"
Through the telescope we see a shack with a dozen mutant girls wrapped only in blankets and sandals waiting in line to enter, among them Rogue, Kitty, Wanda, Amara, Tabitha, Danielle and Callisto.
"Hello!" Remy whistles.
"Wow!" Lance stares.
"Thank you for this scene!" Todd gapes.
"SHUT UP!" Rogue, Kitty and Wanda yell.
The telescope pans across to a shack window completely filled with steam as Jamie continues. "It was about quarter mile away, that girl's delousing shack, but we were right on top of it. It cost you a pixie stick or half a bar of chocolate a peek. You couldn't catch much through that steam, but believe you me, after two years in that camp just the idea what was behind that window sure spruced up your voltage."
Inside the barrack Jamie looks at his watch and taps Pyro on the shoulder. "Let's go. T-Twenty seconds to a customer." Without moving his eye from the telescope Pyro pulls a pixie stick from his pocket and gives it to Jamie.
The line for the telescope stretches all the way down the barrack, out the door and into the compound. At the door Remy stands with a tootsie roll in his mouth. From the line Bobby asks "Hey, Remy, what's snarling up the traffic? By the time we get to look they'll be old hags!" Some guys agree.
Remy waves them off. "Simmer down, hommes, simmer down. There'll be a second show when they put the next batch through."
Logan, Scott and Lance come in from the compound. Logan takes in the situation and waves Remy to the side.
"Hey Gumbo! What's the big idea? Take that telescope out of here."
"Says who?" Remy asks.
"Says me," Logan growls.
"You take it out. Only you're going to have a riot on your hands," Remy indicates the line.
"Every time the guys get Red Cross packages you have to think up some angle to rob them," Logan grumbles.
"The Snakes find that gadget they'll throw us all in the boob," Scott warns.
"They know about that gadget," Remy says. "I'd worry more about that radio."
"Maybe they also know about your distillery and the horseraces?" Lance asks.
"That's right," Remy confirms.
Lance glares at Remy. "Just what makes you and them Snakes so buddy-buddy?"
"Ask Security," Remy gestures to Scott. "Go on, Shades. You've got me shadowed every minute of the day. Or haven't you found out yet?"
"Not yet," Scott admits.
"Answer the question. How do you rate all these privileges?" Logan demands.
"I grease the Snake guards. I give 'em ten percent of the take," Remy explains.
"And maybe a little something else Remy?" Lance accuses.
"A little something what?" Remy asks.
Lance grabs Remy by the collar. "Maybe a little information!"
Logan slaps Lance's arm. "Break it off!"
Lance lets Remy go. "How much more do we have to take from this crud?"
"There'll be no vigilante stuff. Not while I'm Barrack Chief," Logan growls.
"Hey, look at 'em!" The guys who were in line crowd around the window. Jamie tries to shield the contents of the table while guys move past and yell.
"Those crazy jerks!"
"They won't get away with it!"
"The Snakes will shoot them!" Logan, Scott, and Lance go to the window while the guys open the shutters.
"It's Blob and Toad!" Jamie shouts. "They're trying to sneak into the girl's compound!"
Outside Fred and Todd are crouched over painting a white line down the middle of the road leading towards the girl's compound. Fred carries a bucket and Todd wields a brush. They get close to the barbed wire fence dividing the compounds. A Hydra guard with glasses is standing in front of his guard house at the gate.
Todd dips his brush into the paint bucket while Fred waves to the guard. The guard waves back and opens the gate, letting them through. Fred and Todd tip their hats in thanks and continue painting up the road toward the girl's delousing shack. The guard closes the gate behind them.
Back at the window Logan pushes his way to the window while guys shout out.
"They're past the fifty yard line!"
"It's a quarterback sneak!"
"Look at 'em go!"
Fred and Todd continue to paint and grin to each other as they get closer to the shack.
Logan watches them. "Those idiots will paint themselves right into their graves."
Fred and Todd pass the end of the line of girls and paint a turnaround on the road. The Hydra guard is walking back and forth across the road while stepping over the newly painted line.
Fred and Todd start moving down the line of girls still painting and start to sing. "Hey yo to them…Get a load of them!" Rogue, Kitty, Wanda, Amara and Callisto roll their eyes at their antics, although Tabitha and Danielle giggle.
"Hello ladies, hi ya all!" Fred greets.
"Hi ya all, how?" Todd and Fred start to dance and sing moving down the line. "Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do, How! Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do, How!"
Hearing this the Hydra guard notices them and unslings his rifle, opens the gate and rushes toward them.
Fred and Todd don't notice. "Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do, How!" Fred looks at Tabitha who is about to enter the shack. "Hey, the Brick Kremlin! Tabby, Tabby. Wait for me!"
Fred tries to follow her but Todd grabs his arm. "Hey Freddy," Todd shakes his head and points over his shoulder. "The window." Fred looks and agrees. They start to paint a line on the shack leading to the window. "Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do, How!"
By this time the Hydra guard has arrived and stands right at the window. Todd walks right into him and stops. "Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do…ooooooo…" Todd and Fred stop painting and turn slowly toward the guard.
"What is this? What is going on here?" the guard demands.
Todd quickly paints the guard's glasses then he and Fred bolt back toward the gate.
The guard wipes his eyes and starts to chase them. "Mutant scum!"
Todd and Fred throw away the brush and bucket, running like mad, the guys from the barracks cheering them on. The guard slips and falls in the mud.
Note: A few people have asked about the word "Esuohdam". There are two reasons why I chose the title "Esuohdam 17". First, I needed a word that made a fairly good acronym. Second, spell "Esuohdam" backwards.