The inside of the barracks. Guys are lounging about. Sam and Scott sip pixie sticks and play chess while Caliban looks on blankly. Jamie is giving Remy a shave.
"OW! Be careful!" Remy looks at Jamie.
"Hey, where was I supposed to learn how to shave?" Jamie defends.
Fred is sitting at the table carving something out of wood. He stops, looks at Caliban, grins, turns his back to him and continues to work. Jamie narrates.
"So life sorta drifted back to normal in Esuohdam 17. It was a couple of days before Christmas and everything seemed quiet enough. But underneath it all we knew we were sitting on a barrel of dynamite. And that the stoolie, whoever he was, was ready to strike again at any second." We see the light bulb above the table hanging with its cord straight.
"At ease! At ease! At ease!" Pietro enters the barrack carrying a bunch of letters and a book, followed by Facade. "Alright, at ease! At ease! Mail call!"
Everyone cheers and moves towards Pietro who stands on a stool. "At ease! At ease!"
"Hey Pietro!" Fred shoves his way up front. "Anything for Fred Dukes?"
Pierto ignores him. "First, the Commandant is sending every barrack a little Christmas present. A copy of 'Why I Hate Mutants'." Guys groan. "Alright at ease."
"At ease!" Fred mocks.
Pietro looks annoyed and continues. "In the words of Edward Kelly: 'Now that a Hydra victory is in sight, all Mutant prisoners are to be indoctrinated with the teachings of Trask'. Unquote. In my own words," he gives a belch. "Unquote."
He tosses the book to Lance. Lance catches it. "That's the wrong direction."
Lance throws the book at Remy and its barely misses the top of Remy's head. Remy points at him. "Give that man a cupie doll!"
Pietro calls names and hands out letters. "Crisp. Tolansky. Summers. Gurthie. Rasputin. Tolansky. Tolansky. DaCosta." There is a pause, then Pietro puts Roberto's letter in his pocket and continues. "Tolansky. Alvers. Rasputin. Masters. Madrox. Alvers. Gurthie. Allerdyce. Tolansky."
"Nothing for Dukes?" Fred asks in a small voice.
Pietro continues. "Tolansky. Tolansky."
Fred glares at Todd. "And just what makes you so popular?"
Todd looks up grinning. "It's amazing. Two hundred guys floating loose back home and all those dames want is 'Tongue-Candy' Tolansky."
"TOO MUCH INFORMATION THERE!" Kitty screams covering her ears.
"Bad image! Bad image!" Wanda yells and covers her eyes.
"Those letters must be fakes," Bobby insists.
Todd fans himself with his letters as Pietro continues to hand out mail. "Allerdyce. Gurthie. Rasputin. Allerdyce. Here, Fred."
Fred brightens up. "Yeah?"
"Give this to Caliban, will you?" Pietro hands him the last letter. Fred's face falls.
"Hey, is that all the mail?" Bobby asks.
"Alright, at ease! At ease! Here's a little something from Father McCoy. One to each barrack." Pietro reaches into Façade's empty pant leg and pulls out a little Christmas tree. He gives it to Piotr. "And he says he wants you cruds to cut out all swearing during Yuletide."
"How'd he get those trees?" Pyro asks.
"I don't know. Prayed, I guess. They grew out of his mattress. Come on Façade," Pietro and Façade start to leave.
"Hey, what'll we do for decorations?" Bobby asks.
"For that you got to pray yourself," Pietro replies as he and Façade leave.
Fred and Caliban sit at the table. Fred reads Caliban's letter to him. "…and so Caliban we do hope that you will finish that last year of law school when you come back home…" Fred looks at Caliban. "Law school?! Hey, you don't wanna be no stinking lawyer with a stinking brief case in a stinking office, do you Caliban?"
No response. "Naw. And do keep writing, son. Your letters are very dear to us. With all our love, Dad. Hey, it's from your Dad, Caliban. Here, take it," Fred shoves the letter into Caliban's hands. "Next time we write to your folks, you know what you're going to say? You're going to say that you don't want to be no lawyer. That you want to be a musician maybe…and play the flute, eh Caliban?"
Caliban's briefly smiles, then frowns and looks down at his hands.
Alex is reading his letter aloud to some guys. "I saw a wonderful article on Hydra prison camps in one of the magazines," he looks up. "Mom reads a lot." He continues. "They showed pictures of the tennis courts and they also say that in the winter they freeze them over so you boys can ice skate…"
"Anything about us grouse hunting in the Montana woods?" Lance grunts.
Alex continues. "In a way I'm glad you're not in Hawaii right now, with everything rationed here like gas and meat."
Lance comments sarcastically. "Heart-rendering, ain't it? Why don't we send them some food parcels?" He crumples up his letters.
Todd is busy reading all his mail next to the window. Fred comes over.
"What do all those broads say?" Fred asks.
"What do they always say?" Todd preens.
"Let me read one," Fred says.
Todd shakes his head. "It's not good for you, Freddy." Fred tries to get a look. Todd tries to shield away. Fred grabs one of the letters.
"Hey! This is with a typewriter!" Fred looks at Todd. "It's from a finance company!"
"I told you they were fakes," Bobby says.
"So it is from the finance company," Todd admits. "So it's better than no letter at all. So they want the third payment on the Plymouth," Todd drops a letter. "So they want the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh," he drops the rest. "So they want the Plymouth."
"'Tongue-Candy' Tolansky," Fred mockingly fans himself with the letter. "Amazing, ain't it?"
"Stop saying that phrase. It's scary," Kitty twitches.
Sam is reading his letter next to Piotr. "I believe it! I believe it!"
"You believe what?" Piotr asks.
"My wife," Sam blinks. "Wait, I'm married in this?"
Not really, since it doesn't matter anyway.
"Well then who sent me the letter?"
Fine. You're married to Rahne, okay?
"WHAT!" Tabitha yells.
Wait, wait! Hear what his letter says.
Sam reads aloud. "Darling, you won't believe it, but I found the most adorable baby on our doorstep and I have decided to keep it for our very own. Now, you won't believe it, but it's got exactly my eyes and nose. Why does she keep saying I don't believe it? I believe it! I believe it. I believe it."
"So what?" Tabitha asks.
It's a "Dear John" letter.
"Oh, well that's okay," Tabitha shrugs.
Outside Logan is walking towards the barrack leading two new prisoners: Warren and Kurt. Forge is carrying their bags. Logan opens the door. "This is it, guys. Don't bother to scrape your shoes." He leads them into the barrack and snaps the clothesline, jiggling the wash and getting the barracks' attention. "Okay, gang! Meet our new guests. This is Instructor Warren and this is Kurt."
"Instructor?!" Everyone jumps up and salutes Warren with mock respect.
Warren waves them off. "Aw, knock it off, knock it off fellas. The pleasure's all mine." Guys surround him asking questions.
"Hey how are things Warren?"
"What's doing on the outside?"
"Yeah, what's new in Bayville?"
Warren shrugs. "Well uh, the uniforms are tighter if that's what you mean."
"Hubba, hubba!" Everyone laughs.
Logan yells, "At ease! Wings will be with us for a week or so until the Snakes ship him to the Instructor's camp in Idaho. Looks like all the railroad lines out of Great Falls are fouled up because somebody blew up an ammunition train."
"Somebody, my eye," Kurt indicates Warren. "Warren did it, right in the station, with fifty Hydra guards around."
"Glad to have you with the organization yo!" Todd greets.
"Yeah, you're just in time for the Christmas Pageant," Fred jokes.
Kurt looks around. "Looks more like the lost company of Tobacco Road."
Forge points at Kurt. "He's an actor. You should see him do imitations. He can imitate anybody. Do Lionel Barrymore again."
"Do Alan Lad," Alex requests.
"Do Cary Grant," Ray requests.
"Hey, do Grey," Fred grins. Kurt looks down, brushes his hair then looks up and imitates Clark Gable.
"Now see hear, Scarlet. I'm crazy about you, and always have been. I gave you kisses for breakfast, kisses for lunch, and kisses for supper! And now I find that you're eating out." Everyone laughs.
"Not Gable, Grey!" Fred moans. "How can you confuse 'em? 'Gable' doesn't even sound like 'Grey'!"
Logan cuts in. "That's enough. They were captured two days ago and they've been on their feet ever since. One-Eye here will show you to your bunks." Kurt and Warren follow Scott to their bunks. Logan turns to Todd and Fred. "Fix them some tea, huh."
Scott leads against their bunks. "We had a couple of unexpected vacancies. Which one will it be: the upper or lower, Warren?"
"Doesn't matter," Warren takes off his jacket. "Just so I can get some sleep."
Remy addresses Warren from his stool. "Instructor Warren?
"Yeah," Warren replies.
"It wouldn't be Warren Worthington the Third from New York?" Remy asks.
"Yes, it sure would," Warren turns. "Do we know each other?"
Fred indicates Remy. "Oh, he's from New York, too. But you wouldn't know him… not unless you had your house robbed."
"I'm from New Orleans," Remy grunts.
Well, you're from New York in this parody.
Remy gets up and faces Warren. "Maybe he would. We were going to be Instructors together, remember? Only they washed me out, glad to see you made it. Course it couldn't be that all that dough behind you had something to do with it," Remy turns to the others. "His mother's got twenty million dollars."
"Twenty-five," Warren corrects.
"They've got a summer home in Nantucket with an upstairs polo field," Remy turns to Logan. "Better put a canopy over his bunk."
"Lay off, Gumbo," Logan warns.
Remy ignores him. "Say, with all your mother's pull how come you're not a chicken professor by now?"
"CHICKEN!" Warren shouts.
"Lay off I said, if you don't want your head handed to you," Logan growls.
Todd calls, "Tea is being served on the verandah!" He looks at the table. "Freddy, where are the napkins?"
Fred gets two napkins and sets them next to some cups. Warren and Kurt come over to the table. Kurt indicates the setting and impersonates Ronald Colman. "Do be seated Bonita, ha ha! What a perfectly charming table arrangement. They must have copied it from House Beautiful, ha ha!"
They sit down and Fred starts pouring hot water from a pot. Todd stops him. "Freddy! How many times have I told you, you always gotta pour from the left!"
Fred switches the pot to his left hand. Todd takes a tea bag and dunks it three times into each cup.
Kurt looks at him, still in character. "Thank you James, ha ha!"
Scott and Warren chuckle. Logan nudges Warren. "Don't encourage 'em. Those are the barrack clowns. Where'd they get you Wings, around Helena?"
Warren sips his tea. "On a FOH raid."
"Soldiers or Sentinels?"
"Sentinels."
"How many guys did you lose?"
"Hmmm, about half the group."
"Operating out of Bayville?" Scott asks.
"Yes. The Institute, Twenty-Second X-Men Team," Warren replies.
Alex leans over. "Hey, Warren. How did you blow up that train with fifty guards around?"
"Well I…" Warren starts to explain, then shrugs. "…eh, just lucky, I guess."
Kurt steps in. "Don't let him kid you. Cagney couldn't have pulled a sweeter job." He gets up and impersonates Cagney. "Here's what happened. We were waiting at the depot in Great Falls, understand? When an ammunition train comes through, the longest ammunition train you ever saw, understand?"
Warren waves him off. "Aw, he's just giving it a big buildup. Actually it was simple enough. I just drifted into the men's room, fixed myself a little time bomb, broke open the window and when the ammunition train started pulling out I just tossed the thing into an open car. I guess there must have been some straw in there on the floor."
Kurt continues. "Yeah, about three minutes later you could hear it. BOOM! Understand? Broke every window in Great Falls, understand? It was gorgeous!" Fred starts to walk away, but Kurt grabs him. "Wait a second, I'm not through. Understand?" Guys chuckle.
Lance walks over. "I wouldn't talk about things like that."
Kurt returns to his own voice. "They never caught on."
"They may," Logan warns. "That's why I would keep my mouth shut."
"Why?" Warren asks. "We're all mutants here, aren't we?"
"The Snakes have a way of getting information," Scott explains.
"Yeah, especially in this barrack," Lance adds.
"How?" Warren asks.
"That's what we'd like to know," Scott sighs.
Near his bunk Remy puts on his trench coat. He has been listening to what has been going on. He's got a bottle of sparkling grape juice and a large carton of pixie sticks hidden within his trench coat. Jamie hands him a pair of silk stockings.
"There's only one pair left," Jamie warns.
Remy puts them in his pocket. "We'll get some more." He puts his gloves on and starts to walk out.
"Say, where does a fella take a hot shower around here?" Warren asks.
"Hot shower? Ha ha, dig him!" Fred laughs.
"Sorry. No hot showers. You have to wash in the latrine," Scott says.
"In the latrine?" Warren scoffs.
Remy stops. "What did you expect, glamour boy? An Instructors' Club with a steam room and a massage maybe?"
Warren gets up. "Hey just a minute. You made a couple of cracks before and I let them slide but I don't intend to take any more. If you resent my having money, start a revolution, but get off my back."
"Look, Instructor," Remy says. "All your dough won't help you here. Because here you're on your own. And no mother to throw you a lifebelt. Now let's see how good you can swim."
"I can swim alright," Warren thinks. "We own three swimming pools. And a private lake."
"It figures," Remy waves to the group at the table. "Sorry, guys, my taxi's waiting." Remy walks out of the barracks.
The electric light above the table has its cord tied up in a loop. Beyond it Fred is sitting on a stool while Todd works on giving him a fake mustache like Trask's. Fred also has his hair combed back like Trask's.
At the table Logan and Scott play cards. Logan turns to Todd. "Cut the horseplay, Stink Boy. What's the matter with you guys?" Todd looks at him to reveal he also has a fake mustache and his hair combed back like Trask. Todd finishes and Fred gets up.
Alex is at the window over the door on lookout duty. He turns around and reveals he also has a fake Trask mustache and his hair combed back. "Get ready! Here he comes!"
He snaps the wash line and jumps down. Kurt stands on a stool at the end of the barrack and holds the book "Why I Hate Mutants" in front of his face. Everyone gathers in front of him with their backs to the door.
Outside a truck draws up loaded with blankets, Omega Red hanging onto the side. He jumps off and enters the barrack. We hear Kurt's voice who speaks in a satire of Trask.
"Mutants are scum, humans must be protected, even though mutants are human but I am ignoring this obvious and inconvenient fact! Mutants are a vile threat and menace, although there are human terrorist groups that are far worst! We must ensure human survival and I accomplish this by sending them out to get killed!"
Omega Red walks behind everyone who is facing Kurt. He raps his baton against a bunk. "Gentlemen, attention!"
Kurt lowers the book. He also has a fake Trask mustache and his hair combed back. He raises his arm in salute. "Hail, Trask!"
Omega Red salutes automatically. "Hail, Tra…!" He catches himself and lowers his arm. "Droppite po deadski!"
Kurt continues speaking like Trask. "Quiet! We are indoctrinating!" He addresses the guys. "Is you all indoctrinated?"
"Yes sir!" They respond.
"Is you all good Hydras?"
"Yes sir!"
"Is you all little Trasks?"
"Yes sir!"
"Then we shall all salute Omega Red!" Kurt gestures to him. "About face!"
The guys turn around and face Omega Red. All of them have combed back hair and fake Trask mustaches.
"Hail Victory!" Kurt salutes.
"Hail Victory!" Everyone salutes too.
"Hail Victory!" Kurt salutes.
"Hail Victory!" Everyone salutes.
"Hail Victory!" Kurt salutes.
"Hail Victory!" Everyone salutes.
Omega Red waves at them. "Ach! One Trask is enough! Now please, gentlemen take off the mustaches. Or do you want me arrested by the Purists?"
"Da!"
Omega Red rolls his eyes. "You would be very sorry to get a new Warrant Officer. Somebody without a sense of humor, eh!"
Logan gets up. "Okay, guys. Take off the mustaches." Guys start taking them off. Logan folds his arms. "Now what is it Casper?"
"Gentlemen, tomorrow morning the Marvel Man is coming to inspect the camp and find out whether we are living up to the Marvel Convention," Omega Red explains. "I'm sure he will find that we are treating you very well. You must not run around in your underwear! And take off the wash! The Commandant wants all the barracks to be spic, and also span."
"Yeah, we'll put pink ribbons on the bedbugs," Fred drawls.
"The Commandant also sends you clean blankets. He wants every man to have a new, clean blanket," Omega Red grins.
"Yeah, yeah, we know. We had 'em last year. Five minutes after the Marvel Man was gone, the blankets were gone," Logan grunts.
"The Commandant also told me to pick up the ra-dio," Omega Red says.
Logan looks at Omega Red. "Radio, what radio?"
"The one you are hiding in the barrack, don't you know?" Omega Red nudges him. "The one your friend without the leg is smuggling all over the compound."
"Omega Red, you're off your nut!" Scott says.
"Come on, give me the radio," Omega Red prompts.
"We have no radio," Scott insists.
"All right, gentlemen, I will find it myself. Now let's see." Omega Red starts walking around the barrack looking. "Where could it be? Maybe, maybe in the Instructor's bunk!" He walks over to Warren in his bunk. "Oh, no, not in the Instructor's bunk! I'm cold here. Maybe warmer on this side."
Omega Red crosses the barrack to Caliban. "In the piccolo mutant…oh, no not in the piccolo…" He is now walking toward the trick bucket. "Am I getting warmer? Hot, maybe? Very hot?"
He stands right next to the bucket. Todd has his foot on it. Omega Red lifts Todd's foot with his baton and kicks the bucket with his boot. The water spills out revealing the radio and headphones. Omega Red fishes them out of the bucket. He shows the radio to Todd. "What, what is this? This is water?"
"It's a mouse trap," Todd replies sarcastically.
Omega Red shows the headphones to Fred. "And this?
"My grandma's ear-muffs," Fred grunts.
Omega Red laughs and looks at Warren who has gotten up. "Look at them, Instructor. Everybody is a clown! How do you expect to win the war with an army of clowns?"
"We sort of hope you'll laugh yourselves to death," Warren replies sarcastically.
Omega Red starts to laugh loudly. As he laughs he sees the light bulb with the cord tied up in a loop. He stops laughing. "Now, outside everybody! Everybody out for the blankets! Come on!"
Everybody starts to leave. "Hey you too!" He points to Caliban. "Outside get going! Come on!" Fred helps Caliban out. "Hurry up, out out!"
Once everyone is gone Omega Red quickly walks over to the chessboard, switches black queens and straightens out the light cord.
Outside the guys are standing in line being issued blankets by the guards.
Fred grumbles. "That Omega Red pig! He knew where the radio was all the time."
"Whoever that stoolie is, he's sure batting a thousand," Logan grunts.
"Yeah, the guy I want to talk to is Remy," Scott turns around. "Has anybody seen Remy?"
Todd grabs Jamie. "Jamie, you haven't seen Remy, have ya?"
"No, I haven't," Jamie squeaks.
The guys come back into the barrack with blankets while Omega Red stands at the door with the radio and headphones. He calls to a guard outside, "Private! Come here!" Logan walks by. Omega Red stops him. "Logan, I'm very sorry about the mouse trap, but the war news are very depressing anyway."
A Hydra guard enters. Omega Red points at the rolled-up chicken wire under one of the bunks. The guard gets it and the ball and leaves.
"I might as well also confiscate the antenna. Mutant know-how!" Omega Red snaps the wash line, laughing as he leaves. Jamie passes him carrying his blanket. He walks towards his bunk, Logan behind him.
"All right, Squirt, let's hear it. Where's Gumbo?" Logan growls.
"I don't know," Jamie squeaks.
"He wouldn't be at the Commandant's, would he?" Scott accuses.
"I don't know I told ya," Jamie repeats.
"What did the Snakes trade him for the radio?" Logan demands.
"I d-d-don't know," Jamie stutters.
"Why don't we just look in these footlockers?" Todd gestures.
"No," Jamie protests.
Fred grabs the front of Jamie's shirt. "Come on ya little stooge. Hand over them keys!"
"I haven't got any k-k-keys!" Jamie squeaks, scared.
"Okay. Then I'll get me a key." Fred throws him onto Remy's bunk. Jamie accidentally creates a couple of clones as Fred turns to Logan. "Okay, Logan?"
"Okay," Logan consents.
Fred grabs the footlocker and grips the lock in his hands.
Jamie reabsorbs his clones and protests. "Hey, w-wait a minute! Hey, d-don't, Remy will get mad!"
Fred rips the lock off and opens the footlocker. It's full of cameras, binoculars, wristwatches, bottles of sparkling grape juice and a cuckoo clock.
Fred looks at Scott. "Of all the hoarding cruds!"
"Looks like Macey's basement, don't it?" Logan grunts.
"That guy's richer than my mother," Warren comments.
Todd picks up the cuckoo clock. It opens and a birdie emerges. "Cuckoo, Cuckoo, Cuckoo!"
Todd slaps it closed. "Aw, shaddap!"
"For cryin' out loud? What would he be doing with these?" Fred pulls out a pair of silk stockings and holds them up.
"Suppose you ask me." Everyone looks at Lance who is at the door grinning, having just come in. "Go on, ask me! Because I got the goods on Mr. Lebeau. Because this time he didn't shake me." He crosses to the telescope, puts in at the window and loosely sights it. "Take a look for yourself. It'll curdle your guts."
Fred looks where it's pointing. "The mutant girls!" Everyone runs to the telescope. Logan grabs the telescope and looks through.
Lance aims it better. "Here, try the end window. Where the candy is." Logan looks.
"Come on, Logan! We all want to see yo!" Todd cries impatiently.
Logan straightens up. Fred looks through the telescope.
"How did he get over there?" Logan demands.
"Easy! Walked right through the gate, past the guard like he was some Snake Field Marshal," Lance explains.
"Now we know what he got for the radio!" Logan growls.
Fred looks through the telescope and lets go a long whistle. "This is murder! The stinking miser keeping all that for himself!"
Logan, Scott and Lance move away while everyone else struggles to get at the telescope. Some guys have gotten binoculars from the footlocker.
Lance grins at Logan. "So I'm a vigilante, huh? So what are the Barrack Officers going to do now?"
"Don't worry Alvers. We'll handle it from here on in," Scott assures.
"Well you better handle it fast before he sells us all down the river," Lance warns.
Logan, boiling mad, pushes through the guys, grabs the telescope, pops his claws and slashes it to pieces. He throws the parts away and almost hits Jamie who cringes back in Remy's bunk.
"Hey, don't we get to see what Remy's doing?" Bobby asks.
Sorry, its not in the movie.
"Well it's in the script you're using to help write this ain't it?" Todd asks.
Yeah but I don't think Remy would do what's in the script.
"YEOWW! WHAT DID I DO?!" Remy is heard yelling.
"YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST DO THAT WITHOUT ASKING?!" Rogue is heard screaming.
"CHERE IT WAS JUST A JOKE!"
"COME BACK HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!" We hear sounds of things breaking and Remy in pain.
See?
It's evening. Remy is coming back from the girls compound. He walks through the gate and nods to the guard. He walks to the barrack.
Inside Lance is watching Remy approach. He stands next to the door. Remy enters. Lance slips behind him, slams the door shut, and blocks it.
Remy looks at Lance and starts taking off his trench coat. He takes a few steps in and looks around. Everyone is standing silently, looking at him. Logan, Scott, Todd and Fred are sitting at the table.
"Hi," Remy says, keeping cool.
No response.
"Too late for chow?"
No response.
"What's the matter guys, is my slip showing?"
"I'll say it is," Logan growls. "You spilled a little cider on it."
"Cider?" Remy repeats.
"Did ya have a good time over there?" Fred asks.
"Oh! Somebody was peeking," Remy starts nonchalantly taking off his jacket. "Yeah! Had a dreamy time! Those femmes, they really know how to throw a party. I've known some women in my time, but between you and me, there's just nothing like the hot breath of the X-Girls. There's a couple of brunette snipers over there, real man-killers…"
Remy stops as he sees his open footlocker. Some of the contents are spread out on his bunk. "What's this?" No answer. Remy looks at Jamie curled up on the other footlocker. "What happened, Jamie? Who did it?"
"We did it," Logan growls.
Remy turns. "There better not be anything missing. This is private property."
"So was the radio private property. So were Evan and Roberto," Scott says.
Remy walks over to the table. "What about the radio?"
Lance moves over. "Yeah, what about it?" He looks at Logan and Scott. "Cut the horsing around. We know he's the stoolie and we know what the pay-off is! So let's get on with it!"
"Let's get on with what?" Remy demands. "What is this anyway, a Kangaroo Court? Why don't you get a rope and do it right?"
"You make my mouth water," Lance growls.
Remy looks at everyone. "You're all wire happy, hommes. You've been in this camp too long. You put two and two together and it comes out four. Only it ain't four."
"What's it add up to you, Gumbo?" Logan growls.
"It adds up that you got yourselves the wrong guy," Remy says. "Because I'm telling you, the Snakes wouldn't plant two stoolies in one barrack. And whatever you do to me you're going to have to do all over again when you find the right guy."
"Watch it! The Commandant," Alex warns from the window.
Outside planks have been laid from the Administration Building to Barrack Four. Kelly strides down the planks followed by Omega Red and two Hydra officers walking through the mud. Two Hydra guards put down the last plank against the barracks' steps. Omega Red hurries in and opens the door blowing his whistle. "Attention, the Commandant!"
Kelly and the guards enter. "Good evening, Mutants. Little coffee clutch you are having, eh?" Kelly looks around. "Gloomy in here, isn't it? Where is the Barracks Chief?"
Logan gets up. "Yes, sir."
"You have an Instructor here, Instructor eh…" A guard hands Kelly a slip of paper. "…Warren Worthington?"
"Yes, sir," Logan replies.
Warren walks over. "I'm Instructor Warren."
"What is your number?" Kelly asks.
Warren looks at his dog tags. "105-353."
"That is correct," Kelly hands the paper back to the guard. "Instructor Warren, I came to apologize for the accommodations. Ordinarily of course, we never put Instructors up with teenagers."
"I'll live," Warren shrugs.
"Quite a transportation jam we are having outside of Great Falls. They are very angry at Headquarters. They will be even angrier on the Acolyte Front, waiting for that ammunition train. Don't you think so, Instructor?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Colonel," Warren shrugs.
Kelly smiles. "Now Instructor, how would you like to join me in my quarters? I have a nice fire going."
"I'm okay here, why bother?"
"No bother. I am very grateful for a little company. You see, I suffer from insomnia."
"Did you ever try forty sleeping pills?"
Kelly frowns and looks at one of the Hydra officers. "Take him!"
The officer waves Warren out. Warren and the officer leave.
Logan walks up to Kelly. "We have some rights here Colonel. Why is this man being taken out?"
Kelly looks around the barrack. "Curtains would do wonders for this barrack. You will not get them."
Kelly, Omega Red and the other officer leave and close the door.
Kurt walks over to Logan. "How did he ever find out about that ammunition train?"
"You two must have shot your mouths off all the way from Great Falls to here," Scott accuses.
"No we didn't!" Kurt protests.
"Maybe just a hint or so?" Logan asks. "Think hard."
"I don't have to think. We didn't say anything to anybody, not a word. Not until we hit this barrack," Kurt says.
Everyone looks at Remy. He and Jamie are putting stuff back in the footlocker. Remy senses them looking. "What are you looking at me for?"
From outside whistles and shouts are heard. "Lights out!" The lights go out. The barrack is in semi-darkness. Everyone remains standing, staring at Remy.
Remy shuts the footlocker and shoves it under his bunk. Jamie climbs up into his bunk. Remy moves his pillow. "I suppose some jerk's going to say I did it."
Remy crawls into his bunk, facing away from everyone. He lies on his back with his eyes open.
Everyone is still until Scott knocks over a chair. Remy jumps up but Todd, Kurt, and Sam hold him down. "Why don't you try it one at a time?" Remy taunts. Everyone moves in and starts beating him with Lance, Fred, and Scott getting the first punches.
Caliban sits in his bunk staring and hearing sounds of the beating and Remy's cries.
"Hey, why don't we see what's happening to Remy?" Tabitha asks.
Because that would require a NC-37 rating and this parody only has rating PG.
"OKAY, OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!" Remy shouts.
No, this scene will go on for a little while longer than what's in the movie.
"WHAT! OW! HOW MUCH LONGER!"
Oh, about five hours.
"FIVE HOURS! OW! AHHHHH! DON'T DO THAT WITH THE LAMP AND BUCKET! OW! WHY!"
Because Rogue paid me three hundred bucks.
"Call it payback," Rogue taunts.
"You did it for three hundred bucks?" Jean asks.
Well I did provide the popcorn and a front row seat for Rogue.
"Heck yeah," Rogue is sitting, munching, and watching Remy's beating. "Ooo, that has got to hurt."
"YOU BET IT DOES! OW! NO, NOT THE WAX! ANYTHING BUT THE WAX! AHHHHHHH!" Remy screams.
"Revenge is sweet," Rogue grins.