The inside of the barrack. We see the black queen on the chessboard. We also see that the cord of the electric light above the table has a loop.
At the center table the guys are humming "Jingle Bells" and decorating the Christmas tree with their dogtags and a hand-made star. Caliban sits there watching them. Fred takes off Caliban's dogtags and puts them on the tree.
Sam is sitting on a stool knitting. He pauses and looks thoughtful for a second. "I believe it. I believe it." He goes back to knitting.
At another table Alex is surrounded by matchbooks and a box of ping-pong balls with the word "INFLAMMABLE" on it. He is busy grinding ping-pong balls into dust with a hand-crank grinder while Piotr is cutting off the ends of matches. On the table is a can half full of some sort of powder. Logan comes over. "Let's have your dogtags for the Christmas tree."
Alex hands him his dogtags. Logan gestures to the ground-up ping-pong balls. "What's the big idea? You don't think you can eat that stuff?"
"We're building us a smudge pot so Xavier can find us when he comes," Alex picks up a ping-pong ball and a match head. "Twenty parts of cellulose, one part phosphorous. Here, watch." He takes a pinch of the powder in the can and throws it on a lit candle. The candle goes out for a second, then ignites the powder, giving off a bunch of white smoke.
"He'll be able to see our smoke signal four miles away!" Alex beams.
"But Chuck is two thousand miles away," Logan points out.
Alex's face falls. "Well I say be prepared."
Logan chuckles. "Okay, Boy Scout."
Lance and Scott enter the barrack followed by Forge and Lucid. Forge carries an old phonograph and Lucid has a stack of records.
"Hey, look what we got!" Lance shouts to the guys.
"The phonograph!" "Music!" guys shout out.
Lance indicates the table. "Put it down here, guys."
"We made a deal with Barrack One," Scott explains.
"Now where's that distillery?" Forge asks.
"Over here guys," Lance leads them over to Remy's bunk while Todd starts cranking the phonograph.
Remy is lying on his back while Jamie sits on the footlocker against the wall.
"Okay, let's have that distillery," Lance looks at Remy. "Come on, we swapped it for the phonograph. Any objections, Remy?"
Remy looks at Lance, then points under his bunk. "Take it."
Lance gets the boiler and a box containing parts. Forge and Lucid take them while the phonograph starts to play "When Johnny Comes Marching Home".
As guys start to listen to the music Fred notices Forge and Lucid approaching with the distillery. He grabs an empty jar and siphons off a little cider from the nozzle while following them out.
Scott walks over to his bunk and Kurt taps him on the shoulder. "Hey Scott, any news on Warren?"
"He's still in the Commandant's office, that's all I know," Scott looks at Kurt and raps him on the chest. "Don't worry."
Kurt goes back to the table while Scott starts taking off his jacket. He stops suddenly, then slowly unzips it as he looks at the electric cord with the loop.
Fred comes back, works his way over to the table and starts singing, "When Johnny comes marching home again, Hurray! Hurray! We'll give him a hearty welcome then, Hurray! Hurray!"
The guys around the table join in. "Oh, the men will cheer and the boys will shout! The ladies, they will all come out! And we'll all feel gay when Johnny comes marching home!"
Scott peers at the guys singing around the table, slowly reaches into his bunk…and pulls out a black queen.
"WHAT! YOU PUT ME AS THE…" Scott shouts.
SHHHH! Quiet! You want everybody to hear?
"That's it! I'm not doing this! I'm ending this parody right now!" Scott yells.
Ooo, what are you gonna do?
"This!" Scott takes aim and whips off his shades…only to find that nothing happens.
"What…what the?" Scott gasps.
Didn't I mention that you're a human in this parody? Congratulations. Now get on with your part!
"Forget it!" Scott shouts. "You can put me in a prison camp, you can give Blob and Toad all the best lines, you can even make fun of Jean all you want…"
"WHAT!" Jean yells, glaring at Scott.
"Okay, not that last one," Scott gulps and cringes back. "But there's no way you are going to have me rat out mutants to Hydra!"
Wanna bet? Remember what happened to Evan earlier? I'll make it so that in the future you'll suffer a heck of a lot worse.
"No way! Nothing you could come up with could be worse than that!" Scott dares.
Next time I get a parody idea I'll suggest it to Red Witch or RogueFanKC and let one of them write it.
Scott pales. "You won't!"
Try me.
"Okay, I'll play the stupid part," Scott gives in.
That's better.
Scott slips the black queen into his jacket and nonchalantly crosses to the table under the light, passing Jamie who gets up and joins the others. Scott sits on the table with his back towards the guys and eyes Remy lying in his bunk. He careful takes out the black queen from his pocket and exchanges it with the one on the board. Scott gets up and walks over to a window, pulling off the top of the queen. He pulls out a small slip of paper, puts the top back on, and pockets the queen. Scott starts to read, but is interrupted by a cheer from the guys. He quickly pockets the paper and turns around.
The guys have started to march down the barrack with Fred in the lead. They continue to sing and march pass Scott. After they pass and march to the other end of the barrack Scott moves to the light and pulls the loop out of the light cord. He walks back to his bunk as the guys start marching back. They have picked up various things along the way: mops and pieces of wood with clothes on them in makeshift flags. Jamie is pretending to play a flute. Fred and Todd are leading them now. As they pass Scott they grab him and put him between them. Scott smiles, throws his arms over their shoulders and marches with them, singing out loud.
They pass Remy's bunk. Remy looks straight up, then sees the shadow of the light bulb and cord on the wall, swinging gently. He slowly sits up and looks around at it. He doesn't see anything peculiar, so ignores it as the guys march by again.
Scott and some guys are outside watching Kurt and Pyro play horseshoes. Kurt wins. Pyro sighs. "Eh, this bloke's too good for me." He hands Kurt some pixie sticks.
Scott steps forward. "Let's see how good he is. Same stakes?"
"Sure. Go ahead," Kurt agrees. They pick up the horseshoes and Scott pitches his. He misses the first one and gets the other.
"Hey, that's not bad," Kurt compliments him, then pitches.
"Where'd you learn your pitching?" Scott asks.
"From the farmer's daughter," Kurt replies, getting two hits.
"WHAT!" Amanda shouts. "What's this about a farmer's daughter?"
"It's in the movie!" Kurt cringes. "It doesn't mean anything!"
"It better not," Amanda folds her arms.
As Scott and Kurt walk to the stake to collect the shoes, Scott sides up to Kurt. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you. It has to do with Security."
"Shoot."
"We're having a tough time keeping our stuff hidden from the Snakes, like our escape equipment for instance. So we're always looking for new devices."
"Uh huh," They bend down to get the horseshoes.
Scott looks at Kurt. "Looks like you found one."
"Me?"
"Well, I mean Warren. He hid a time bomb on him, right? He even carried it all the way through prisoner search, didn't he?" Kurt nods. "Where did he hide it?"
"Right in his pocket. The old pixie stick match gag."
Scott looks confused. "What's that?"
"You take a book of matches," Kurt takes out a book of matches and a pixie stick butt. "Light the end of a pixie stick. Slip it in," Kurt indicates the pixie stick. "It takes about three minutes for the pixie stick to burn down. Then it sets off the matches. Simple." He slides the match book back into his pocket.
They get up. "Some time bomb," Scott comments as he pitches. He first one hits.
"Hey, that's a ringer," Kurt says.
It is night in the barracks and the lights are on. On the center table the little tree is decorated with homemade candles which are lit. Everyone is crowded around the table singing Adeste Fideles (Oh Come, All Ye Faithful). "O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant, O Come ye, O come ye, to Bethlehem. Come and behold Him, born the King of angels. O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him, Christ the Lord."
Lance separates from the guys and goes over to where Remy is sitting on his bunk, alone. Lance bends down to Remy's footlocker and takes out a few bottles of sparkling grape juice. He glances at Remy. "Don't forget the corkscrew," Remy says.
Lance reaches back into the footlocker, pulls out the corkscrew and gets the bottles. Remy pulls out a tootsie roll from his pocket. "And have a tootsie roll."
Lance bends down and gets it with his teeth. "Thanks."
Lance walks back to the table as Remy looks forlorn. Remy looks up and sees the light cord with a loop in it. He stares at it.
At the table Lance sets down the bottles and starts opening them. Fred looks at the tree and then looks at Caliban who is sitting at a stool off to the side. He grins, picks up a small wrapped package under the tree and nudges Todd. They get up and go over to Caliban. Some of the guys watch them.
Fred grins, bends down and offers the package. "Here's a present for you Caliban."
"Take it, take it," Todd says.
Caliban looks confused. "It's Christmas, Caliban," Fred explains. He reads from the package, "Merry Christmas to Caliban from the gang." He hands it to Caliban.
"Open it," Todd encourages.
Caliban still looks confused. "I'll open it for ya," Fred gently unwraps it. It's a new ocarina, the thing Fred was carving out of wood earlier.
"Come on Caliban, play," Fred encourages.
Caliban's eyes flicker and he gets a little grin. He takes the ocarina, aligns his hands and starts playing. As weird sounds come from it Fred and Todd grin while Caliban is wide eyed, delighted.
"I think I'm gonna cry," Caliban sniffs.
Suddenly a siren is heard. Caliban clutches his new ocarina tighly, scared. Everyone stops singing while Fred and Todd look up .
"Air raid! Light's out!" Omega Red comes in. "Air raid! Air raid! Everybody out of the barrack!" The lights go out.
"Aw, not on Christmas Eve!" Alex protests.
"You must get out! For your own good you must get out! And put out those candles!" Omega Red yells.
Logan sighs. "Come on, everybody. Let's hit the slit trenches."
"I bet it's another phony again." "The Institute will hear about this one!" Guy gripe while they blow out the candles and start moving out.
Omega Red hurries them. "Come on, let's go!"
"I'm not really built for war," Sam comments to Omega Red.
"Get out of here! Out out, everybody quick in the trenches! Come on, let's go!"
Remy sits in his bunk looking at Omega Red. Omega Red looks over at the light cord, spotting the loop. He sees Remy and walks over to him. "Hey, what's the matter with you? You want to get killed?"
"Not particularly," Remy gets up and heads to the door.
Omega Red points to Fred and Todd at the table. "Hey, you two. Outside with you."
Fred and Todd have grabbed the bottles of juice and start to head out. They pass Scott who is at the door. "Must you two always be the last?" Scott asks.
Fred looks at him. "Oh, yeah? You try jumping in those trenches first! Everybody jumps in on top of ya!"
"How do you think I got my hernia?" Todd pats his side and coughs.
"Come on, let's go," Scott pushes them out the barrack, stops at the door, and slowly closes it from the inside.
Omega Red is over by the chessboard. He picks up the black queen and opens it. There is no message. He looks at Scott who comes up to him.
"Well? What is it? Did you get the information?" Omega Red asks.
"Yes I did," Scott replies.
"How did he do it?"
"Very simple... matchbook...pixie stick..."
Scott takes out a book of matches and lights one end of a pixie stick. "Watch closely," He pulls the pixie stick along the length of the match book and shoves the lighted end into it. He flicks his wrist. A moment later the matches ignite.
Omega Red looks at Scott. "I see. I see..." He grins. Scott blows out the matches and pulls out the loop in the light cord. They both quickly leave.
However, they don't notice Remy stepping out from behind one of the rear bunks. He pulls out a tootsie roll. Pauses. "I see..." He bites on the tootsie roll.