All the mutants are formed into a line that goes by a desk on the porch of the Administration Building. Hydra guards stand watching with machine guns. Behind the desk sit two Hydra officers and behind them stands Omega Red. As the mutants pass the desk the officers check their dogtags and faces against an index of cards and photographs on the desk. Jamie explains.
"Where was Warren? It sure drove the Snakes crazy looking for him. They herded us all out into the compound and put some extra machine guns on us and gave us the old picture check. You know, checking our dogtags and our pans against their index file. But nobody knew where Warren was hidden. Nobody except Logan, and he wouldn't even tell us."
Kurt, Alex, Pyro, Lance, Logan, and Scott go through the picture check. As Scott is being checked Omega Red looks at him inquisitively. Scott slightly shakes his head and gives a tiny shrug, then realizes Remy is next in line. Scott moves on as Remy steps up and shows his dogtag.
Guards with dogs search under a barracks as Jamie continues. "The Snakes searched under the barracks, they searched the roofs. They even searched the bathroom in the Commandant's office! But no Warren."
A new barrack where guards are throwing tear gas bombs. "Then they tried to smoke him out, throwing tear gas bombs into every barracks just in case he was hiding up in the rafters."
All the mutants are lined up in the center of the compound facing the Administration Building. Kelly is standing on the porch, shaking his arms and yelling out loud. "Then they made us stand for six hours out there until finally Kelly came out and gave us his ultimatum: if Warren didn't come out by next morning he'd tear down the whole lousy compound stick by stick, and if we'd sleep in the mud for the rest of our lives, that was okay by him! He just couldn't figure how a guy could disappear from the compound and still be there. But Warren was there all right. He sure was there."
We see a latrine and the water tank above it. Inside the water tank clinging to a ladder is Warren, up to his knees in icy water.
It is night. Lights from towers are sweeping over the compound. Warren is still in the water tank, exhausted, and has to duck every once in a while to avoid the lights. Guards with dogs patrol the compound.
Inside the barrack blankets are hanging over the windows. A lamp is lit on the center table and all the guys are gathered around it. Logan is holding out a cap while guys drop their dogtags into it.
Logan sets the cap on the table and looks around at the guys. "Now, let's have it understood, this is going to be a rough deal. But we've got no choice. One of us is going to have to take Wings out of the camp tonight. We'll draw one dogtag. The guy that goes with it does the job. It's going to be rough because the Snakes are expecting a move like this and they put on extra guards," Logan puts his own dogtag in. "Now if anyone wants to withdraw, speak up."
He looks around. Nobody moves. "Then we're all in on it."
"Everybody but Caliban," Lance says. "And you know who."
Everyone looks towards Remy who is leaning against his bunk. He doesn't respond in the slightest.
"Alright," Everyone looks back at Logan who starts shaking the cap. "Who's the lucky one?"
After a few shakes Todd puts his hand on Logan's. "Let me do it, Logan."
Fred looks at him, confused. "You want to go?"
"Na. I just wanna draw," Todd indicates the cap.
"Okay, draw," Logan holds out the cap.
Todd puts his hand over his closed eyes, reaches into the cap and picks out a tag. Logan reaches out to read it, but Scott closes his fist over it.
"Suppose we call this my tag. I'll take him out," Everyone looks at Scott.
"No volunteers, One-Eye. I said we're all in on it," Logan grunts.
Scott looks around. "You guys elected me Security. The way things have been going in this barracks, I guess I've done a poor job, and I want to make up for it. Is that asking too much?"
Remy looks on with a grim smile.
"We've all done a poor job of it," Logan says.
"I still say this is my tag. Any objections, Logan?" Scott asks.
Logan thinks and looks around. "Any objections, guys?
"Not from me," Pyro says.
"He can have it," Sam says.
"Who are we to argue with a hero?" Todd quips.
"How about me latching on, Summers?" Lance asks.
"Three's a crowd, especially if you've got to cut your way through barbed wire," Logan butts in. "Let's have the wire cutters." Lance reaches into his jacket and hands them to Logan who hands them to Scott.
Logan looks at Alex. "Are the civilian clothes ready?"
"Coming up," Alex moves off to get them.
Logan turns to Todd and Fred. "Get to work on the trap door."
They move off. Scott and Logan move to Scott's bunk. Scott starts putting on a scarf. "What do you say, Logan. We hit the air raid trenches then cut out back of Barracks Three."
"You'd better cut out in back of the south latrine," Logan instructs.
Scott glances at him. "Why the south latrine?"
"Because that's where he is. In the water tank," Logan explains.
Scott takes it smoothly. "Good spot. Eh, with any luck we may be in Fort Benton by morning, maybe even catch a barge to Great Falls."
Remy, who has been watching closely, gets up and walks over to the table with the chessboard. "Two packs of pixie sticks say Warren never gets out of the compound." He pulls out two packs of pixie sticks. Everybody looks at him.
"Are you starting that again?" Logan growls.
Remy slaps the packs on the table. "Anybody cover?"
"Somebody step on that crumb!" Fred snarls from the trap door.
"We warned you, Remy!" Lance growls.
"Sure you warned me. You were going to slit the throat of that stoolie," Remy pulls out a jack-knife and throws it blade first into the table. "Here's the knife to do it with. Only make sure you got the right throat."
"We're looking at it," Lance says dangerously.
Logan glances at Todd and Fred. "Hurry up on that trap door," He looks back at Remy. "What are you trying to do, gum up the works?"
"That's right," Remy replies. "Or would you rather see Warren lying out there in the mud tomorrow morning like Evan and Roberto?
"Look Gumbo, I had my hands full keeping these guys from tearing you apart!" Logan growls.
"I called it the last time, didn't I?" Remy stands his ground.
"Are we going to stand around here and listen to him until the Snakes find out where Warren is?" Scott asks.
Remy looks at Scott. "The Snakes know where Warren is."
"How do they know?" Logan asks.
"You told them, Logan," Remy says.
"Who did?"
"You did."
"Are you off your rocker?" Logan asks.
"Uh-huh. Fell right on my head." Remy slowly walks in front of Scott. "Do you like snakes?"
"No. I don't like snakes," Scott replies.
"Maybe just one type? The lyre snake? Because you're a liar, Scott!" Remy shoots back.
Scott looks at Logan. "Will you get this guy out of my hair so I can go?"
"Go where? To the Commandant's office and tell him where Warren is?" Remy challenges.
Scott steps toward Remy "I'll kill you for that!"
Remy slaps Scott a few times across the face, backing him up against his bunk. "Shut up!" Everyone crowds around them. "Security Officer, huh? Always screening everybody, only who screens you? Great mutant hero from Missouri, enlisted right after Day of Reckoning! When was Day of Reckoning, Scott? Or don't you know that?"
"May eleventh, oh-two," Scott shoots back.
"What time?" Remy asks.
Scott pauses. "Six o'clock, I was having dinner."
"Six o'clock at Headquarters." Scott's face falls. "They were having lunch in Missouri," Remy looks around. "Am I boring you, guys?"
"Go on," Logan prompts Remy.
Remy lets loose. "He's a Hydra spy, Scott is! Oh sure, he was trained and lived in Missouri, but when the war broke out he came to Hydra like a good little Snake. He could pass as a mutant so they sent him to spy school and fixed him up with phony dogtags…"
"He's lying! He's just trying to get himself off the hook!" Scott protests desperately.
"He said shut up!" Todd snaps.
"You heard what he said," Fred backs Todd up.
Remy tilts his head at Scott. "Okay, Shades, let's have the mailbox."
"The what?" Scott asks, confused.
"The one you took out of the corner of your bunk and put in this pocket!" Remy reaches into Scott's jacket and pulls out the black queen.
Remy looks around. "Let me show you how they did it." He walks over to the chessboard. "They did it by mail."
"Mail?" Todd asks.
"That's right. Little love notes between our Security Officer and Kelly with Omega Red the mailman. Here's the flag," Remy indicates the light cord. "They used to put a loop in the cord. Did ya ever notice?" Remy asks, demonstrating.
He reaches down and picks up the two black queens. "And here's the mailbox. Hollow black queens," He pulls off the tops and shows them to Logan, Todd, Lance, Alex, and Fred who have wandered over to the chessboard. "Cute, huh?"
We look over at Scott who is visibly sweating. Guys are passing him to get a better look at the black queens as Remy continues to explain. "They delivered the mail or picked it up when we were out of the barracks, like for Roll Call. And when there was a special delivery, they'd pull a phony air raid to get us out of here, like last night for instance…"
Scott looks around with his eyes frantically looking for a way out. He spies the trap door which has been opened and temporarily forgotten.
"There wasn't a mutant in the sky," Remy looks over at Scott. "Or was there, Scott?"
Scott glances back then dives for the trap door, shoving guys out of the way. He makes it halfway but Lance pulls him back in. Scott starts to yell to the guards outside. "Help!" He breaks away and hits Lance in the arm. He runs to the window and tears down the blanket. He is about to jump through but guys jump him and then pile on him, hitting the floor just before a light hits the window and shines in.
Outside a guard leading some dogs pass by. The dogs start barking and the guard looks around. The dogs stop barking and they move on.
In the barrack everybody is holding a struggling Scott. After the light passes Sam and Kurt hang the blanket back up. Everybody gets up and the guys holding Scott carry him off to his bunk. Lance cradles his sore arm as Remy stands next to him, getting out a tootsie roll. Lance glances at Remy. "Brother, were we all wet about you."
Remy looks at him. "Forget it." He bits into the tootsie roll and moves over to Logan. Lance just stands there looking at Remy, then slowly grins.
The guys have propped Scott next to his bunk and have gagged him with some socks.
"With my socks!" Todd grins.
"MMMMFFFFFF!" Scott tries to spit out the socks but can't.
Logan indicates Scott. "What are we going to do with him?"
"Don't you know?" Remy asks Logan. "Because I got my own ideas. Let's have that civilian stuff," He gestures to Alex.
Alex gives him a bag. Remy opens it, takes out a funny hat and puts it on, commenting. "I'll look pretty stupid in this, yodeling my way across Lake Superior. Now let's have the wire cutters."
Logan reaches over to Scott and takes them back. He hands them to Remy. "You taking Wings?"
"You betcha," Remy grins, shoving the wire cutters into his belt. "There ought to be some reward money from Mama. Say ten thousand bucks worth."
He looks around the barrack, everybody watching him. "I told you guys I'm no escape artist, but for the first time I like the odds. Because now I got me a decoy."
"What's the decoy?" Logan asks.
"Scott." Everyone looks at Scott.
Remy continues. "When I go I want you to give me five minutes. Exactly five minutes to get Warren out of that water tank. Then you throw Scott out into the compound, nice and loud."
Scott starts to struggle, frantically trying to break free, but is held securely. "He'll draw every light from every guard tower," Remy explains. "It's our only chance to cut through. Well, what do you say, Barracks' Chief?"
Logan thinks.
"He's right Logan," Kurt agrees. "It's either Scott or Warren."
"He killed Evan and Roberto, didn't he!" Fred turns and snarls.
"Actually, killing Evan is a point in his favor," Todd thinks.
Logan looks at Remy. "It's all yours." Scott continues to struggle but gets nowhere.
Lance looks at Scott, grinning. "What's the matter, Summers? You said you were going to save Warren, didn't you? So now you're getting your chance."
Jamie helps Remy put on his trench coat. Remy looks at Jamie. "So long, Jamie. You can have the department store. What's left of it."
"So long, Remy," Jamie grins.
Remy grabs the bag and moves to the trap door. Fred stops him with a question. "You're not disposing of those mutant broads, are ya?" Fred jokes.
"Tell you what to do," Remy looks at Fred. "Get yourself a hundred pixie sticks for the Snake guards. Then get yourself another face."
"Hahahahaha!" Todd laughs.
Remy nudges Todd. "You could use a new one yourself."
"Hahahahaha!" Fred laughs back.
"Let's synchronize the watches," Logan says to Remy. "It's Eleven…forty-two…sharp."
"Check," They set their watches. Remy climbs into the trap door with the bag, then stops and looks up. "Just one more word. If I ever run into any of you bums on a street corner, just let's pretend we never met before."
Remy disappears through the trap door. Then he pops his head back in, gives a small salute, and goes back out.
Under the barrack Remy starts crawling to the edge of the barracks. He finishes his tootsie roll, waits for a light to go by, then runs to the latrine and ducks in just before another light passes. Inside he stops, listens for a second, then climbs up on the wash trough and knocks on the bottom of the water tank.
In the water tank Warren hears the knocks. He looks around and starts to get out, but his legs are frozen and he slips down as a light moves over him. Warren lets go of the ladder, moves to a different edge of the tank and pulls himself over with his hands.
In the latrine Remy catches Warren's legs and helps him down. Warren drops and Remy sets him in the water trough. Warren lies down and moans painfully.
Remy shushes him. "Shut off the moaning, or we'll have the machine guns on us." Warren moans again. "Shut it off, Instructor!"
"My legs are f-frozen," Warren winces, shivering.
Remy moves and starts rubbing Warren's legs. "You'd better get that blue blood circulating, because we're busting out of this stink-hole in exactly…one minute and twenty seconds."
Warren manages to sit up. "Remy!"
"What did ya expect, a St. Bernard dog?" Remy quips.
"Not you."
"Want some cider?"
"Yeah."
"Who doesn't! Suppose we wait until we hit the S.H.I.E.L.D. bar."
Warren grins. "Okay, it's on me."
Remy grins. "You won't get off that cheap."
"What are our c-chances of busting out of here?" Warren asks.
Remy looks around. "We'll know in about forty seconds." He starts to help Warren out of the water trough.
In the barrack Logan stands looking at his watch. Todd crosses over to Scott with some cans on a string. He looks at Piotr. "Hold his leg up."
Piotr lifts Scott's leg. Todd starts tying the cans to his ankle and looks at him. "Just in case your associates are hard of hearing."
Logan walks over. "Thirty seconds. Get him up."
Fred and Lance pull Scott up still struggling and squirming.
Fred grips Scotts arm. "Stop shaking, Slim. There'll be no pardon from no governor."
Lance grins. "Funny, ain't it? In your own camp, by your own soldiers!" Scott shakes even harder. Lance looks at Logan. "This guy's got no sense of humor."
"Twenty seconds," Logan glances at his watch. He looks over at Alex above the window. "Open the hatch."
Alex waits for a light to go by then slips a loop of string outside. He snags the bar on the door and lifts it up, catching it so it doesn't fall.
Scott is frantically trying to break free but the guys hold him still. Todd prevents the cans from rattling. Logan glances at Scott. "What's the matter with you, Security? You were always so calm. Especially when you let Porcupine and Sunspot go out there." He looks back at his watch. "Eight seconds. Seven…six…five…"
Caliban is sitting on his bunk, holding his ocarina and smiling at Scott.
"…four…three…two…" Logan whips of Scott's gag. "…one…go!"
Pyro flings the door open from the inside. Lance and Fred lift Scott up and throw him out the door. Scott comes flying out into the compound, the tin cans rattling. The guys quickly shut the door and Alex drops the bar into place.
A light from a guard tower swings and highlights Scott. Scott tries to scream a warning, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm a Hydra!"
A machine gun opens up around him. It misses and a siren starts going off.
Scott tries to run back towards the barracks, but sees it locked as another machine gun opens fire. He runs like mad into the center of the compound, tin cans rattling, lights looking for him and machine guns blazing.
"Get him! Get him! Get him!" Lance, Fred, and Todd are chanting.
"Boy this is great!" Bobby grins.
"This is payback for all those five a.m. Danger Room sessions!" Ray cheers.
"What a show!" Pyro shouts. "Hey, where's the popcorn?"
"WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP AND HELP ME!" Scott screams, running around, trying not to get shot.
"Na, this is too good to miss!" Pietro grins.
"Best of all I'm getting it all on tape!" Jamie holds a camcorder to his eye.
Scott barely manages to dodge the streams of bullets from the machine guns blazing at him. Some of the guards run out of ammunition, so they switch to firing lasers.
ZZAAPPPP! ZZAAPPPP! ZZAAPPPP!
"OW! OW! OW! YEEOOWWWW! OW! OW! OW!" Scott screams as he gets hit a few times.
Up in the guard towers a few guards have gotten tired of shooting bullets, so they take out a few rocket launchers and bazookas.
KABOOOOM! KABOOOOM! KABOOOOM! KABOOOOM!
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Frozen dirt and ice fly as Scott desperately tries to avoid the large exploding projectiles.
Then some guards start tossing grenades all over the center of the compound in a massive saturation attack.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH!" Scott is hit with several pieces of shrapnel that lodge in his body.
Suddenly a few guards turn on some fire hoses and try to soak Scott. Only instead of spraying water, they shoot out highly concentrated sulfuric acid.
HISSSSSSSSSSSS!
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" Scott screams as he's splattered with some acid and it eats away at his clothes and flesh.
"Payback is sweet!" Remy cheers.
Scott manages to rip the sting of cans off his leg but gets hit with bullets. He stumbles toward the Administration Building.
At the latrine Remy and Warren stand ready, waiting. They watch a guard on the porch open up on Scott with a submachine gun. Scott falls face first into the mud.
"This is it!" Remy and Warren dash out of the latrine to the barbed wire fence while guards move in on Scott. Warren falls, Remy picks him up and helps him to the fence. They fall to their stomachs as Remy gets out the wire cutters and starts cutting.
Meanwhile all the lights highlight Scott's body. No one is shooting but the siren continues. The dogs come over and tear into Scott's body.
"YEEOOOWWW! THAT WASN'T IN THE MOVIE!" Scott screams.
It was in the script.
Remy and Warren crawl through the barbed wire and pause to look back at the camp. Remy grins at Warren. "Let's blow, Chauncey."
"Let's!" They get up and run off into the forest, Warren falling again, Remy pulling him up and supporting him as they run.
Kelly comes striding out of the Administration Building followed by Omega Red and two officers. The siren has stopped and Kelly waves to the guards and they lead away the dogs. Kelly steps through the mud in his boots towards the body on the ground. He grins at Omega Red and flips the body over with his boot. They see Scott's face, body riddled with bullets and torn by the dogs' teeth. They are shocked. Kelly and Omega Red look at each other frowning, then back at Scott.
In the barrack the guys stand around, having listened to the shots and wondering if Remy and Warren made it. Logan looks over at them. "Alright guys, everybody back in their bunks. Like nothing happened."
Guys drift back to their bunks. Logan blows out the lamp on the table while some guys take the blankets covering the windows down.
Lance props himself up in his bunk, grinning and holding his blanket. "What do you know? The crud did it."
"I'd like to know what made him do it," Todd says.
"Maybe he just wanted to steal our wire cutters," Fred wonders. "Did ya ever think of that?"
Jamie lies in his bunk with a smile on his face. He starts whistling "When Johnny Comes Marching Home". He is gradually supported by some drums as we reach...
THE END
Ta da! Finished! I highly recommend seeing Stalag 17, so if you haven't already please consider doing so! I hoped you liked this parody and…(Piotr walks out) What is it?
"Uh, you know how Jamie took over Remy's store of stuff?" Piotr asks.
Yeah.
"Well…"
"WAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
BOOM!
"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
KA-POW!
He got into the pixie sticks didn't he?
"Yes," Piotr groaned. "Several thousand pixie sticks."
Oh great! So now there's a couple hundred Jamies hyped up on sugar running around causing total chaos, correct?
"Almost," Piotr moaned. "You see…"
"YEEEHHAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
CRASH! CRASH!
RRUUUMMMMBBBLLLEEE!
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Who else had some?
"Toad," Piotr ticks off the list. "Pietro, Tabitha, Lance, Pyro…"
Oh no…
"Amara, Fred, Ray, Kurt, Danielle, Sam, Forge, Bobby, Omega Red…"
Omega Red?
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Omega Red laughs maniacally as he whips his tentacles at Kelly.
"I HATE MUTANTS!" Kelly screams as he runs around trying to avoid being hit. "AND I REALLY HATE BEING IN THIS PARODY!"
KA-BOOOOM! Several barracks are blown up.
No! Stop the destroying the camp! We may need it for the next parody!
"Next parody?!" Logan shouts. "What next parody?!"
The Great Escape. I've been toying with the idea and since all the prison camp buildings and barb wire are here anyway…
"No way are we doing a parody of that movie!" Logan yells. "I'm gonna make sure of that!"
Oh, how?
"By doing this!" Logan grabs a handful of pixie sticks and downs them.
"But you are a teenager now and…" Piotr blinks. "Uh-oh!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Logan laughs insanely as he starts shredding everything in sight.
SMASH!
FOOOOMMM!
"YEEEOOOOOWWWW!" Kelly runs by again with Omega Red still lashing his tentacles at him. "OW! OW! OW! OW!"
"Wait, how could Omega Red be using his tentacles if he is no longer a mutant?" Piotr asks.
He's not a mutant for the parody and the parody is over now, technically.
"So if he is back to being a mutant, than that means…"
"YOU!" Scott staggers out covered in bandages, limping and bleeding heavily. "YOU MADE ME A HYDRA SPY AND LET ME GET SHOT TO PIECES!"
Oh boy…
"YOU LET ME GET BEAT ON FOR FIVE HOURS FOR NO GOOD REASON!" Remy yells.
Uh, Rogue was partially responsible for that…
"YOU!" Jean appears with several axes, chainsaws, pikes, flamethrowers and a face of pure evil.
Uh oh…
"DIE!!" The three mutants scream as they advance.
I'm outta here! (Runs off while avoiding the attacks of the mutants) Don't worry, I'm still going to write stories! So be on the lookout for them!
"Why do these things happen to us all?" Piotr looks upwards. "Why?"