Chapter 18: When?
In a book about love languages, the author describes to the reader that each person shows and feels loved by their love language. One, for example, was affirmation. So the person would work a ton so that people would tell him/her she's doing a good job so they would feel loved. They would compliment people they loved, tell them they were good wonderful people and that's how they would say "I love you".
Jamie's love language was touch. Punching her friends on the arm or hugging them, maybe even just a little tap on the shoulder was her way of saying "I like you, I love you". As she walked the halls of Hogwarts, she would run her hands over carvings and the walls themselves. Memorizing the feel of the carpet or of the stone statues was her way of treasuring Hogwart's.
On this particular day, Thursday at around noon to be mores specific, she was in a hallway near the common room where she had found a large tapestry of the forbidden forest. Looking around her cautiously, she got closer to the tapestry and ran a finger along the shore of the deep blue lake. She swept a hand over deep green forests and grassy hills. Since it was a magical tapestry, a thread wind moved the leaves on the thousands of trees so they chattered loudly. Jamie wanted nothing more than to step into the tapestry and dance in the wind under a silver thread moon.
After a few minutes she regrettably broke away from the tapestry and continued down the deserted hall.
What a month it's been, she thought to herself suddenly. I mean, here we are, freaking England! Who knew we'd actually ever get here. She looked out a large paneled window, what a beautiful place! It's like a dream. A very, very familiar dream.
Her footsteps echoed off the vaulted stone ceiling and she rested her back against a column. Slowly she slid down to the carpet, her legs splayed before her, and she looked up at the paintings flitting around on the ceiling. She remembered this room from the tour the Marauders gave them a few weeks back. The tour had dissipated from actually showing them anything to describing each other's countries and cultures.
"No one likes Quidditch!" Sirius and James yelled in disbelief.
"Not as much as Brinkly, but that's a touch more violent. Our own Quidditch team doesn't even put our name on their tent when they travel." Annie said, with a touch of distaste.
Then there was practically each week being remembered by a different undermining of the Marauders. For the first couple it had been Sirius with acne, then Jamie had thrown them out a window, and finally this past week James had been having prank withdrawals from the dare Annie had served him. Jamie had to say the current week was the funniest, though James tried not to show it.
Plus there was the strange occurrence of them being slightly popular, despite them being Yankees, and therefore usually hated in Britain. In California, they had never been sought, never. Here, it was like they had reached a higher ranking. Lizz had been hit on continuously, and had gotten asked out on more than once. But she really didn't notice since she was so infatuated with James. Poor Peter had been, in his way, trying to flirt with and impress her for the whole month. Most likely because she was too nice to push him off when he followed her everywhere. Annie, oh Annie had been left alone until recently. Now it was the Slytherin boys. For whatever reason they seemed to be in a contest to kiss her or something since Hogsmeade. However, after the Snivellus incident, she had been putting them off.
But she'll weaken, I just hope she doesn't get too caught up with how debonair they all seem and get hurt. Jamie was definitely worried for her inexperienced friend. Now that they were free from the superficial southern California, they found that they weren't as plain as they had originally thought. In fact, Jamie had found Lizz on the secret Hogwarts top ten hotties that she had bribed off that arrogant and ridiculously horny sixth year.
Maybe it wasn't so much that they were less plain or simply among a smaller amount of good-looking people. Maybe it was the fact that they more easily gave of the "datable" vibe or the fact that in California it was so hard to find people who didn't expect sex on the third date. Maybe it was because they hung out with some of the most popular guys in school. Still, the flattery they received was disturbing and intoxicating, not to mention annoying after week three.
However, Jamie had found herself to be labeled in several ways. On one side she was cold, while at the same time a flirt. She was, in a strange way, feared and desired, but had been given a "taken" label. At first she thought it was because she had begun telling guys she had a boyfriend (meaning Ryan) but instead found that many thought she was Remus's girl.
Remus…
Remus is such a nice guy. Sure, it takes awhile to get him to open up but I've never had someone who was funnier or made me feel more comfortable when I'm around them. But he makes me feel… I dunno like he thinks our relationship means more. But that's probably just me and my old-fashioned romantic way of thinking, besides he knows! He knows I have Ryan, he knows I really am taken, and he knows…
She knew when she saw him again all these thoughts would banish themselves. She would forget any misgivings they might have between them when he smiled.
But then there was a pain she had seen, there was a nickname, there was a warning about lessons on the moon, and there was a werewolf running around.
Jamie shut her eyes and buried her hands in her hair. She remembered that night so well. Looking at the werewolf with dark eyes, not afraid, not courageous, just staring. Lizz had been so pissed at her. There had been no time in the past month to wonder, besides to think it was their British guyfriends, who the other Animagi were. It had gone by so fast, yet each day Jamie had felt lonely had dragged on to a week's length. She was surrounded by friends, but she missed the companionship Ryan had offered.
Tears tugged at the corners of her eyes. Not again! She sniffed as if she could draw them back in. Why was she so crazy right now? Why did she feel so unstable, so insane?
She had to get out of here! She ran down the moving staircases, through the main hall and out the entrance. The grounds spread before her green and beautiful. Steering left, she booked it down the lake where an oak tree's branches hung over the water and its trunk stood only a yard from the shore.
With a cry she threw herself at the water and ran her hands feverishly through the water. Its icy coolness removed the feverish panic she had felt, especially when she ran her wet hands along her forehead.
Jamie walked over to the oak and climbed high up into it until it seemed her world was made of rustling leaves and shafts of blinding sunlight. Slowly, slowly she stopped feeling like she was torn between two different places. Her mind quieted and filled with the peace of the tree world she lay in. But the tears still came, running down her face in relief or horror, she really didn't know.
What am I? Annie, who cries every month right before her period, just because that's how she deals with it? I don't cry so easily, practically never!
She was so tired; she had never realized how much this had been catching up with her. And it was so much harder now that she lived with people her own age. It wouldn't matter if Ryan was here, he didn't know either. He would just tell her she was perfect and take her out to dinner.
No, maybe she needed her dad, he would hold her and beg her never to leave him, he would talk to her, and he would make her laugh.
"Jamie? Are you up there?" Remus's voice said, interrupting her peaceful world. She held her breath. "Jamieeeeee" Remus called.
"What do you want Remus." Her voice sounded surprisingly harsh and cold. What was she doing, spurning everyone because she was in a bad mood? Only silence came from below. He had probably left by now, he was so shy sometimes.
"What's wrong? You don't look good." A voice in her ear whispered. Jamie shrieked and almost flopped off her branch. Remus caught her with a laugh and secured her once again. She sneered at him, what right did he have to laugh when he was the one who had sneaked up on her like that?
"Oh come now, don't give me that look. Aren't you supposed to have some kind of fantabulous hearing?" He laughed as he leaned his broad shoulders against the rough tree trunk.
Jamie smiled wickedly, her sense of humor returning rapidly.
"Oh yes, just like I can hear your heart beating so very fast because of that little climb. You must lay off the bacon Remus, I mean, really." Remus frowned.
"How do you know that it's not beating from something else entirely?"
When was it?
Was it the first week? The first day? The first moment?
When did your laugh make me smile?
Jamie ran down the staircase, and shoved her hair out of her eyes and thought about pulling her hair back for the millionth time. Halfway down the staircase, the stairs suddenly went flat and turned into a slide. Jamie slammed on her butt and sped down to an even more surprised Remus. They ended up in a heap on the floor with a resounding THUMP. Remus caught a scent, kind of like tangerines, that seemed very familiar. Jamie was sprawled on top of him and moaning softly, but Remus didn't move, no idiot (guy) would move when in certain positions...
"You okay?" he managed to say.
"Yah, what the heck happened?" Jamie looked like she was blushing, but she always had red cheeks so it's hard to tell.
Remus turned a little red himself and ran a hand through his dark brown hair, unnoticed by Jamie, who had untangled herself and was brushing off her robes.
"I… Uh… well it's time for the prefect meeting and I remembered you didn't know your way around so I came to ask you if you wanted to come with me. But I was stupid enough to forget about the enchanted stairs that keep guys from going in the girls dormitories." Remus said quickly with a hung head. This wasn't going the way he had planned at all, and he was feeling pretty dumb.
"Sorry Bilden." He handed her her bag, which had landed a couple feet away.
"Call me Jamie, and it's cool. That was pretty fun anyway." Jamie laughed despite the bruise on her bum. Remus perked up at her smile. Jamie quieted as she put her bag over her shoulder again. She turned back to the now smiling Remus.
"Will you escort me then, good Sir, to the prefect meeting that we are sure to be late to?" Jamie frowned at her watch. It was 2 minutes till the meeting started, they would definitely be late.
"We won't be, I know a couple little shortcuts" Remus grinned as he took Jamie's arm and led her out of the common room.
When did I want to be the one to make you laugh?
"Yeah, I accepted partly because it's my rule that if a guy can get me to laugh I owe him at least one date."
"So... how many do you owe me by now… hmm." Remus made a show of counting up how many times he had made her laugh while she laughed and begged him to stop. "You sound experienced." He finally said.
When did I want to lay the world at your feet?
"Quite an excellent potion you've got going Remus. We'll have those dastardly Californians in our grip in no time." James chortled in a O'Connery type of accent.
"I think Remus would like to have a different kind of grip on one of those gels. Eh Remus?" Sirius said roguishly.
"You know Sirius if you don't shut your trap I'll shut it for you mate." Remus said, punching him on the shoulder.
"Oh Ho! See I told you Prongs" Sirius said, elbowing James in the ribs, "you just mention the silly creature and he-" A little steel zipper appeared in front of Sirius's mouth and literally zipped his lip. Remus chuckled as Sirius made muffled angry sounds.
"You really should listen to me for once." Remus said.
"Hey you guys, SHHHH!" Peter said from a few yards ahead as they entered the portal. He pointed fearfully into the common room. "I think there's someone in there!" He whispered tersely. James walked quietly up behind Peter and peered into the large room. The fire was guttering away and only a few small licks of fire wrapped around the remaining ashes to light the room. At first he couldn't see anyone until Sirius pointed to the couch in front of the fire. They could see a slippered foot sticking out of the end of the couch. Besides that there was only a deep breathing, barely audible above the dying fire.
"I think it's okay," James whispered. "Whoever it is must be asleep."
"As I want to be, let's just go okay?" Sirius said, having finally wrestled the zipper open on his mouth. They nodded in agreement and quietly crossed the common room to their dorm stairs. Remus lagged behind however, and watched Peter begin up the stairs in front of him before turning around. Swiftly and quietly he crossed back across the room to the couch and peered down.
He laughed under his breath as he saw she had a book clutched in her hands even in sleep. Remus knelt down beside her and gently plucked the book from her hands. Breath held, he waited for her to wake up, but she only stuck one of her free hands into her blonde hair.
"Water Nymphs?" Remus chuckled as he read the title of her book, "What interest do you have in them?" Jamie moaned softly, almost like a cat's meow, and rolled over towards him.
Slowly her eyes fluttered open and she groaned.
"Hello sleeping beauty." Remus said softly. Jamie smiled blearily and hit him on the shoulder.
"There's nothing beautiful about my sleeping, go put your glasses on." She sat up and stretched.
"Oh come now, you look so vulnerable it's cute."
"You're just trying to goad me. You of all people know I have no love for all things cute."
"Fine then. You looked lovely." He responded and held out a hand to help her up. Jamie, still half asleep, smiled beatifically.
"You sir, flatter me too much. I am not-"
"But of course you are! I am a deviously honest young man trying to tell a lovely young lady what she is. Is there so much wrong in that?" By now they had reached the stairs to her dorm. Jamie couldn't remember ever having gotten up, or having put her arm in his and leaning against him like a drunk.
"Remus, you and I both know that I'm an aggressive, over controlling, stubborn, loud harpy." Jamie said, turning to him. "I've thrown you out windows, stolen half your books, yelled at you, teased you, and been an all around ton of trouble to everyone around me." She grinned at Remus as if she was daring him to contradict her.
"Ah, but I see all these things and still see the lovely woman you are despite them so stop calling yourself a harpy." Remus lifted her hand close to his face, "You deserve to be pampered and loved for the rest of your days .Not to mention be treated like a princess for who you are, not for who you aren't Madamoiselle." Remus bent low and gallantly kissed her hand. Jamie giggled, putting on a mock face of pleased astonishment.
"Sir, how dare thee kiss a lady's hand without warrant!" Remus smiled devilishly, almost taking Jamie by surprise, and bowed low before her.
"Ah, but I would argue that I had complete right to kiss the hand of so lovely a lady!" He said, raising his eyebrows. Jamie merely shook her head, dropping their play. She would not admit to herself that he was making her uncomfortable so she smiled and told him good night.
"The things you say sometimes Remus, I'm glad it's dark or you could see me blush. Flattery goes straight to my head!" She turned around and began up her stairs. "Good Night Remus, thanks for making me laugh once again."
"Anytime my lady." Jamie smiled and continued up the stairs.
"Anytime" he whispered after her.
When did I love the way my name sounded on your lips?
"Bilden, you okay?"
"Yah, thanx" Jamie said, caught off guard by the use of her surname.
"You certainly were carrying a lot of books, how many classes do you take?" He began to pluck the books out of the air as he talked.
"Oh! These aren't for classes I'm reading them for fun! Good thing you came along that librarian looked like she would rip me apart if I hurt the books. God knows I do the same when someone does anything to mine, so I guess I shouldn't really judge." Jamie said, also grabbing her things and flashing Remus another smile as he helped her. Jamie noticed the large pile of books in his hands and bit her lip.
"I… Uh really like to read"
"More like an addiction." said Lizzy popping up beside Jamie and grabbed some of her stuff to help carry, as did Annie.
"Annie reads a lot too!"
"Yes, but not for six hours straight before I do my homework like you." Annie replied.
"Really?" said a grinning Remus. "Well if you're going to be carrying around all these books maybe I can help."
He pointed his wand at Jamie's bag and it immediately sowed itself back up and glowed with a blue light for a couple seconds. He placed the books he had collected in it and handed it to her.
"Now it won't break until you put two tons in it" he wore the tiniest of smiles.
"Cool, where did you pick up that spell?" An astonished and delighted Jamie examined her bag.
"After the sixth time my bag broke I figured there had to be a better solution. So I found the Two Ton Charm."
"Well thanks aga—Oh we forgot about Charms! Uh… Remus, I mean Lupin, would you mind showing us the way to Charms?"
When did I want to hold you close and tell you I'd be there?
"I may be a mudblood, but it's better than be some ass-kissing Voldemort cronie, who's not worth the gum stuck to my shoe!" Jamie spat at him. She left him huddled on the ground, holding his broken nose, and walked out. Remus left Snape to crawl into some corner and lifted Kelli. He managed to get her to the hospital wing and run back to the Gryffindor common room to look for Jamie. He asked around for her but Annie and James agreed she had not been seen since she had left with him.
Remus finally ran out the large front doors onto the moonlit grounds. He didn't see her but his shoes sunk in mud that was the result of the rainy afternoon. He looked at the mud at his feet and finally noticed another, smaller pair of prints beside his own.
"Lumos"
He carefully followed the path she had left down to the lake, letting his eyes adjust to the soft light emanating from his wand.
Jamie was very close, he swore he sense her, or smell her orangey scent as he stopped beneath a large oak on the lakeshore.
"Jamie, come down." Remus turned to look up at the girl sitting on a large lower branch. She had a glazed over look in her eyes and was staring at the half moon, until he startled her with his request. "Jamie." Remus crossed his arms and gave her a stern look. She almost laughed; He looks just like Dad, 'oh crap now I'm homesick, good going Jamie'.
"No I'll stay up here thanx." She said and looked back the glittering lake. Remus frowned and in a wink had swung himself up and had situated himself in front of her. He looked into her shining blue eyes and gently put a hand on her shoulder.
"Tell me about it." He said kindly.
"It's nothing really." Jamie shook her head and chuckled softly. "I don't even know why I'm upset, it's silly."
"It's not silly I don't want to see you upset. Please tell me about it… was it because he called you a mudblood? Because-"
"No! I mean I hate that. But I got a lot of that in California though so it usually doesn't bother me. Plus I honestly don't give a damn what some ass-kisser like him thinks of me." She laughed gently. "It just he said he… heard of me, like he had already decided what kind of person I was from rumors! I was already angry at what he was trying to do to that other prefect and it just fired my blood, I got so pissed and all I wanted to do was wipe that sick grin off his face!" Remus squeezed her shoulder and Jamie sighed. "So I clocked him, then I got upset cuz I had lost control and I let him know he got to me and I hate that!"
"Hey at least he got what he deserved, and if you hadn't done it, I would've. Plus now he knows to never bug you again."
"Still…" Jamie hugged her knees and sighed.
When did I want to tell you everything?
She glanced over at Remus and was surprised to find him tense and she tried to make eye contact. He closed his eyes and looked up at her. Her blue eyes were sporting purple streaks, but they were worried and her lips formed a small comforting smile as he looked at her. She saw his brows were furrowed but beneath them his gray eyes swirled anxiously. She found herself thinking how much his eyes resembled clouds before a storm, as if a downpour might come any second.
"What's wrong Remus?" he loved the way his name sounded. "Siriusly, Remus tell me about it." She gave him a warm smile. Remus found himself smiling despite his bitter mood.
"Oh nothing, I just remembered I had a Quidditch practice tomorrow and I wanted to sleep in." Remus said lightly. He smiled and continued down the hallway. Jamie smiled despite herself, Yeah right, she thought. She hummed off-key a little bit then said,
"Whenever you want to tell me about it you'll find I'm a really good listener." He stopped dead. She grinned impishly and hummed and continued down the hallway. She stopped and chatted with a portrait of someone or another, then Remus smiled and caught up.
When did I want you say it was going to be okay?
"So what else is there to see?"
"The world; that should satisfy you for the rest of the day."
"If we start in Venice, we certainly could at least get through Europe by four." Jamie replied, laughing.
"Certainly, but if you were referring to Hogsmeade, there's only Rosmerta's left I believe."
"Oh, and the Shrieking Shack, I've heard every horrible thing about the place, we have to see it."
Not nearly as horrible as what I could tell you, Remus thought poisonously. "Uh," he cleared his throat, "Let's get a butterbeer first, my arms are definitely going numb."
When was it?
When was I afraid of the feelings your smile gave me?
"Here we go," Remus set two steaming mugs and a plate down on the table and taking a seat himself. "Be careful, it's hot." Jamie nodded and carefully sipped the amber liquid then grinned.
"Ohh, it's good! It's just right" She sipped again and smiled blissfully at him as it warmed her up from the inside out. Remus laughed out loud.
"I think I'd love to re-experience everything with you, you're like a child." Remus faltered, "I mean in a good way, like optimistic, er I mean," Jamie waved it off.
"I know what you mean. I'm not optimistic, I just find everything hilarious. Plus I've always figured that showing my reactions would make sure I still had reactions, if you know what I mean, like things will never be bland because I'll… well it's like… Wow, this is hard to explain!" Jamie said, running a hand through her tousled hair, "It kinda goes back to staying young on the inside, I try to look at everything with the eyes of a child, and I think a lot of it stems from reading. Because you have to pay attention to a book, tune in to the underlying tones, and really let yourself drop into it, it gives me this hyper attention to everything." Jamie grinned mischievously, "Like the fact that you were blushing when you came back with the drinks, maybe a casual observer wouldn't have noticed, but I did." She noted with a hint of pride.
Remus scratched the back of his neck, which was also turning red, "It's just warm in here."
"That's a bunch of crap."
"I can't believe we bought so many books." Remus said, changing the subject. How would he explain that Rosmerta had been teasing him about being on a date with her?
When did I cease to care about the consequences?
"How do you know that it's not beating from something else entirely?"
When was it?
When did I begin to love you?
Was it the first week? The first day? The first moment?
"So what are your lovely names?" I asked.
"I'm Jamie Bilden, which you should know already."
You said and smiled at me. I may not have known it at the time but now I realize how dear you are to my heart come hell or high water.
Jamie pretended not to have heard. She was too emotionally strung out to care or wonder what he meant by it. Remus looked at her strangely.
"What?" she asked eventually, uncomfortable
"Nothing, I was just thinking. Are you alright though? It looks like you've been crying." He sounded so worried, it almost made her cry again. But instead her brain scrambled for an answer.
"Oh, I was crying, um happily, because…" Jamie paused. "…Because Ryan's coming!"
"What!" Remus yelled savagely. "To Hogwarts? Bu-" Remus stopped as he realized his heart was pounding rapidly. Too fast, like he was about to-!
"Yes, from Halloween to Christmas." Jamie continued. She looked at him worriedly. "Remus, are you-?"
"I'm fine!" He said angrily. His voice was off and raspy. Jamie resisted the urge to scoot away from him, so angry! She was afraid.
Remus ran his hands across his forehead, but it did no good. He could feel it like fire running through his veins. He put a hand over his mouth as if to check for a muzzle, to feel the fur sprouting from his fingers. "No! No! No!" He howled and leapt from the tree.
"Remus!" Jamie shouted in worry and fear from above, but he didn't stop. He ran and ran like he could escape from the disease in his body. Tripping and stumbling drunkenly, he cut his lip on newly pointed teeth. Across the grounds until he came to the entrance, entrance to his own personal hell. With a desperate dry he threw himself down the hole, slipping on dead leaves and dirt.
A groan escaped his lips as he ran up through a dusty basement and finally threw himself down in the bedroom. The furniture and the room around them was covered with claw marks he could barely remember making. Though he wanted nothing better than to collapse, he stood up and began hurriedly removing his robes until he was only in shirt and boxers.
Remus, unchanged, fell to his knees. They made a hollow thud in the empty house. He was panting hard but his changes slowly receded. His teeth lost their points and his hands no longer sprouted fur, though Remus could still feel it inside him like his human skin was an ill-fitting suit that would soon tear.
Breathing heavily, he got back up but made no move to put his clothes back on since he didn't have any extras with him if they ripped. Remus walked to the bed and pulled away the shredded hangings. He sat on the edge of the mattress and buried his face in his hands.
Remus sobbed. In this room, he sobbed loudly and all the while wished there was someone there to hear them, but there only an empty shack that echoed them back emptily to him. Angrily, with tears still in his eyes, he stood up and threw a chair against the wall. Then a table and a lamp, some drawers and the piano stool. It wasn't until he cut his lip again that he subsided and curled up on the creaky bed, waiting until the moon rose and he completely changed.
He could still feel his hate and anger ripping away at him inside, but he was too afraid to let them out even though that made his hate and anger even greater.
When did I decide that I had to have you for my own and I ceased to care about the risks. You had to love me… because I loved you so much it hurt.
When was it?