Chapter 19: Tears

Saturday had developed its own schedule between the Marauders and Californians. It was simple and nonsensical but they all looked forward to it in their own ways. It always started by Jamie and Remus meeting at the portal around nine and going off on prefect duty. Jamie would wave goodbye to Annie, who was writing or working next to the fire. A few minutes later James would join Annie at the fire, sometimes with his broom and polish or homework or nothing at all, and they would talk till late. Lizz enjoyed running all over the grounds on Saturdays, skirting the Forbidden Forest and maybe doing a lap around the lake. However, she was always chased by the big black dog, who never succeeded in catching her. At first, Peter had ridden along with Sirius, but had fallen into being tutored by the same Hufflepuff Judy who followed Vivian everywhere. Everyone usually met back in the common room around eleven and either played a game of gobstones or went to bed.

This Saturday Jamie was severely antsy as she waited hopefully for Remus. She couldn't help hoping to see him more so than usual. Hell, she hadn't since a few days ago when he had something like a seizure and run away from her in the oak tree. It had left her puzzled and angry and sad. So she had taken a long bath and read a book but it hadn't salved the seed of worry that was deeply rooting in her mind.

Definitely something wrong, definitely, he was never late and it was fifteen past. Realizing she was wringing her hands, Jamie put them in her pockets. When she saw James sitting down with Annie, she decided it was better if she just started off on duty on her own. James wouldn't be of any help in her quest to locate Remus, he'd just give her another evasive answer like before.

Jamie lit her wand and pattered quickly down the rotating staircases. Her footsteps sounded familiarly strange as they reverberated in the empty hallway. As she walked hurriedly, her mind was whirled with many theories and worries that tumbled over one another, bumping into each other and colliding into a sickening collection of fearful, distressing thought. Jamie turned left automatically at the bottom of the staircase and walked swiftly down the second corridor to the right. She didn't know it, but despite her imagination going rotten within, outside she looked fearfully determined.

Paintings watched sleepily as she strode past, but she didn't greet them like she usually did. Turning a corner, she bumped fully into another person and fell back flat on the floor. Stars danced mad circles around her head as she sat up painfully.

"That definitely hurt." She groaned.

"Sorry" said the other girl as they helped each other up.

"No it's fine Kelli; I can't deny part of the blame for knocking us both senseless!" Jamie laughed good-naturedly and smiled at Kelli, the girl she had saved a few weeks earlier. Kelli gave her a dazzling smile back. Jamie looked at her more closely, suddenly realizing she was much prettier than she had first noticed. Maybe it was because she was unconsciously dangling from the ceiling the first time she had gotten a good look at her.

"What?" Kelli asked as Jamie stared at her.

"Oh nothing. You're very pretty, did you know that?" Kelli rolled her eyes.

"Am not." She said. Jamie laughed again.

"You are, but if you can't realize that no one else will." She said sagely.

Kelli shrugged.

"Well, I'd better be going" Jamie began, "I'm trying to find my fellow prefect to go on duty… What?" She said as Kelli shook her head. Kelli glanced at her in slight disbelief and shifted uncomfortably.

"Didn't you hear? Remus got hurt and is in the hospital wing!" she said without reserve.

"Who told you that?" Jamie shot back in a whisper.

"James Potter."

"I thought so." Jamie said, now rolling her eyes. "I just don't believe it."

"Why not?" Kelli asked. Why not indeed? Jamie thought. Probably because she didn't think that Remus just got hurt. Because she was an observer and there were enough nervous glances and hidden frowns to make her think otherwise, that's why. Jamie didn't say any of this though, she simply shrugged her shoulders. Kelli frowned.

"But aren't you two dating? I mean shouldn't you know-" she began.

"We're not dating," Jamie interrupted. "We're friends." Kelli gave her a weird look. "I'm serious! Look I have a picture of my boyfriend in California right here!" Jamie whipped out a little photo of Ryan he had given her last Christmas.

"Ooo, he's a cutie. Just look at those eyes!" Kelli shrieked, snatching the picture from her hands. After a moment she handed it back with a satisfied nod. "Okay I believe you, but jeeze you and Remus just seem so tight."

"Like I said, friends"

"Yah… but there's like a… a tension between you too." Kelli said hesitantly. Jamie arched her brows, Kelli shrugged her shoulders helplessly. "I can't explain any other way; unless a person knew you two personally they'd think that you're dating." Jamie merely frowned and continued down the hallway. Kelli followed and they did the prefect rounds that Jamie and Remus usually did. Jamie decided not to ask about what had happened to Snape.

Kelli waved goodbye to Jamie as she headed down to the dungeons a few hours later after exchanging personal histories and candy. Jamie smiled, waved, and ran down the corridor they had just come down. A few minutes later she sniffed the air with a long furry nose. She risked being seen, but she couldn't ignore the smell that ran headily through the air.

Jamie's paws padded softly on the stones as she trotted towards the hospital wing. Her fears were confirmed and reconfirmed with each sniff.

Each person has their own unique smell. It, like names, always seems to fit the person perfectly in a way you can't really describe. Hobbies, deodorant, shampoo, and occupational smells contribute to the overall smell, but there is always that intrinsic smell that comes from their very being. This part flows in their very blood, it's the smell they sweat, and it's the taste of their lips when you kiss them.

Jamie had made a habit of getting a good catalogue of what each person smelled like. To her, it was part of who they were just as much as their hair color or height, and helped her tremendously when she was in this form. Remus's scent wasn't too hard to call to mind, but when she could smell it so thickly in the air along with the maddening metallic smell of blood, she tended to worried. She sniffed again and was sure this time that the smell of blood was definitely Remus's. The heady path of scent ended in a room around the corner from the hospital wing. Jamie closed her eyes tightly and quickly made the change back to two legs.

The door loomed in front of her in such an ominous way that made her determination take an express flight for Fiji. At first she reached for the handle, but her hand shook so bad she pulled back. Looking behind her, she saw the moon shining through a large glass window. Slowly she went up to it and let the moon bathe her in its healing light through the pentagon-shaped panels that made up the window. After a few deep breaths, although it didn't completely salve the bone-deep weariness, she went to the door and turned the handle.

Back in the common room, Annie was becoming confused. James certainly had that effect sometimes.

"Are you ever jealous that Jamie got picked to be a prefect and not you?" James asked.

"Sometimes," Annie answered honestly, "But not really. I mean she has to do duty and not misbehave, though that doesn't stop her."

"I think it's brilliant that Remus and Jamie get so much time alone together, don't you think?" James said with a wink. Annie just stared at him. "You know… to get to know each other better, so to speak…" Annie just gave him another blank look. James dropped his voice to a conspiracy level, "You know, since Remus totally has the hots for Jamie?"

At that Annie gasped. She couldn't help it. Then she shook her head in disagreement because it was all she could think to do.

"But she has Ryan and he's coming for Halloween!" Annie blurted out. "He'll stay at least until Christmas break, didn't you know? Besides are you sure Remus likes her that much?" She said, purposely evading the phrase Potter had used.

"Yes, He told me himself. I don't think he can help it." James said, shrugging his shoulders hopelessly. "What a romantic."

"There's nothing romantic about cheating." Annie retorted sullenly, unable to help being on Ryan's side. James frowned angrily, his brows quickly knitting together. "Plus," She added, ignoring his scowl, "Jamie doesn't like him like that. She would have told me and Lizz of the least bit of admiration for Remus. Besides-"

"Besides what, you think that'll stop Remus?" James almost snapped back. "I'll admit I didn't know about Ryan coming, but Remus truly likes, dare I say it, loves Jamie. What's he supposed to do, just stop?" Annie shook her head in shock. It took her awhile, but she found the voice to continue on.

"It doesn't make it right Potter, Ryan loves her and I'm pretty darn sure she loves him back!" She almost shrieked. They glared angrily at each other.

"You're right," James said heatedly. He looked away from her and leaned back and tousled his black hair. Annie looked away too. Her shoulders relaxed their anger and she leaned back in her chair. James took a long look at her. "I'm sorry, I just feel frustrated cus' one of my best mates is chasing the moon. And maybe the worst part of it is that he knows it."

Annie laughed lightly. "When did you get all poetic on me?" she said, trying to lighten the mood. They were quiet, both gazing at the fire.

"Will you do something for me Annie?" he said suddenly after a long silence, looking at her intently. Annie smiled.

"As long as it isn't malevolent. As long it is right and causes no one harm."

James chuckled at that. "Yes I can tell that the very second that I asked you to do anything malevolent you would become impossible. 'That's not right, Potter, I would never do such a thing!" he imitated in a falsetto. A good-natured sigh escaped Annie's lips; she wished he'd get on with it.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Will you be there for me when I finally decide to ask someone out? I've never done it you know." He replied, and turned his hazel eyes down to his clasped hands. "I would need a girl to comfort me when all my insecurities come flooding back to me the very moment before I do the deed, so to speak."

"Insecurities?" she replied in disbelief.

"Oh I have many you know." James said tragically, sighing for emphasis. Annie smiled helplessly. James never had had an insecurity. He wouldn't even know what one looked like. That was one of the reasons she enjoyed his company so much. It didn't matter much what people thought of him, he was just fine and happy with who he was and what he did. Confidence poured from every move he made, every smile, every joke, and it made her feel more comfortable with herself as well. But why is he bringing up asking someone out with me? Half the time I'm telling him what he does is immoral or ridiculous, so why the sudden open-heart discussion? Is he trying to angle at something? I really need to repaint my nails. Annie kept her face impassive despite her confusement.

"Um, I'm sure whoever you ask out will be able to overlook your many faults Potter." She replied, half-jokingly. James looked at her closely. God! Why is he looking at me like that? He smiled. Wait, is he going to ask me out! Annie shook her head mentally, trying to sweep her silly thoughts away.

"That's good then. I have nothing to fear, especially if she is already ignorant to them." He said contentedly and leaned back in the big armchair. Does he mean me? I already scoffed at his "insecurities", is he trying to say something? What if he did ask me out? ... I guess I might say yes. Yes, I think I would definitely say yes. Annie looked at James Potter more closely. His black hair laid in tufts like ruffled feathers, in a good way. Despite his so geeky they're trendy glasses, Annie good see his green-hazel eyes snapping in eternal amusement behind them. His smile was quick and even, yet despite all this, including a good body, he wasn't handsome. Not in a look-at-me sort of way anyway. He had the kind of handsome that you slowly noticed, and his self-assuredness, in a way, made it so it didn't matter. He is funny and kind of handsome after all, not dark and magnificent like Lucius, but he'd please my parents anyway. Annie thought.

"What are you looking at?" Potter shot at her, looking at her curiously from behind his spectacles. Annie was sure she flushed red. James laughed, "Do you find me handsome Annie?" he asked.

"No." she answered half-truthfully.

"No!" James roared with mirth. "What's wrong with me that I get an outright no?"

"I'm sorry Potter, let me rephrase my answer. I simply meant that you're not like a model handsome, just the everyday kind." Annie scurried to say.

"Sure, sure, just trying to make me feel better that's all you're doing Annie." He retorted. He held up a hand to stop her assurances. "No, no, I'm sure you're right. I suppose it's my glasses isn't it? Here look at me now." He said and whipped off his glasses.

Annie tried not to gasp. It really did make a difference. Now he looked roguish and devilish and all sorts of other cunning –ish's. James Potter was just one of those guys, like Sirius, that could make baby pink look debonair. She merely smiled. I really hope he asks me out now. She couldn't help but think before looking away in hopes he couldn't read her thoughts.

"See, there I can see you're just trying to not laugh at me. Spare me the critical female eye!" He trumpeted morosely.

"I will comfort you Potter." Annie said. He arched a black eyebrow at her. "You know, before you ask a girl out for the first time.

"Really?" he said. She nodded positively. "Good because that time is right about now!" Annie started in surprise. Now! Her mind raced and she tried to compose herself accordingly. "I'm sure you know who it is I'm going to ask." James said, watching her face carefully for some kind of reaction, but she gave none. "She's a great girl, full of life and spirit. I can't help but be completely ensnared by her charm." Is he really saying all this? Goodness… charm? "You know who I'm talking about?"

"I think so." Annie commented primly, unable to keep a smile off her face. James smiled too. "But why don't you go ahead and name her?" she continued.

"Lizz is such a great girl, don't you think? Annie?... Are you okay?"

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Okay, the handle is turned, that's a good start. Come on Jamie, all you have to do is push the door. Stupid door, why can't you just swing open like the other big creepy doors do in movies? You're a freaking misfit! Jamie realized she was getting a little hysterical with fear.

At first she tried to gently push the door open, but, finding that its hinges weren't oiled so well, ended up shoving against it abruptly. It creaked open loudly and shut just as noisily. All the while, Jamie had managed to not open her eyes yet.

Although once she did, she truly wanted nothing better than to close them again, but by now her body wasn't obeying her. All she could do was continue to look on in horror.

He lay, or more so, sprawled, across the narrow hospital cot that had been set up for him. Jamie could see one of his legs poking out from under the sheets as well as most of his chest. But the cause for her horror was not his state of undress, but the many lines of scars that marked the skin she could see. Many of the cuts were old and a healed light pink, but there were also fresh bloody cuts marring his skin. Claw marks to be precise. Large vicious claws had gouged deep into his chest, leaving huge rips in his shoulders and sides. If it were not for his chest painfully moving up and down, she would been absolutely convinced he was dead.

Despite the utter fear and shock that clenched her stomach, some little part of her mind urged her to see it all. Carefully, she creeped forward to beside the bed. Her legs moved almost of their own volition. From here, she could see more scratches on his face and neck. And His breath came in painful wheezes as if it were a struggle to get a lungful of air.

At that moment, Jamie wanted to run. She wanted to run far, far away. She wanted to run somewhere bright and happy where her mom would tell her all of this was some kind of nightmare and this kind of sickly darkness didn't actually exist in the world. She wanted this and she hated herself for it. For now she had to face the truth. Remus was the werewolf.

Remus, the werewolf? No, no it couldn't be. Not her Remus, not her Remus. Please god, anyone, anyone but good Remus. No, no NO! Another voice in her mind screamed to itself. But it was true and it hurt.

Jamie tried to gulp back the tears that climbed her throat. But how could she? Looking down at the self-mutilated form of Remus, she couldn't fight them, it was simply too much to ask of her.

Suddenly losing the strength to stand, she fell to her knees beside the bed and began to silently cry into her hands.

"J-ja-" She looked up in alarm as Remus tried to say her name. His bloodshot eyes were cracked open just enough for her to see his stormy gray irises. With a cry she flung herself around his neck and sobbed even louder.

She did and didn't hope he could tell she was crying for him and him alone. For he had to carry so much pain in silence. Now and in the future he would never be trusted, accepted, welcomed, not even simply left alone. Most likely he would be chased from towns and society altogether. Despised, hated, and loathed simply because he grew fur once a month. Here he was; this smart, funny, passionate guy who would simply be hated for his blood type. It wasn't fair, he deserved better, and for this, she cried.

Remus weakly held her close. It would probably lead to his own destruction, it might only cause more pain later, but he let himself love her for a moment. And he was strangely glad she wasn't a pretty crier. But darkness came to claim him once again and he let it take him without a fight, comforted in the fact that someone cried for him. That was good enough.

Jamie felt him collapse in her embrace and worriedly checked his pulse. It pumped strongly, he was just exhausted. Tears still ran down her face unchecked, falling onto the pillow beside his face, but Jamie knew she had to leave before she was caught here.

As she walked to the door, rubbing her eyes to clear them of tears, she looked back at Remus once again. She saw the scars, she noticed the pus and blood, she looked at his face. There she saw the peace and determination that gave him the strength and means to carry on, and she let it bolster her spirit as well.

More tears began to pull at her eyes so she made a quick escape. At first she walked quickly, then faster. She broke into a jog and before she knew it, she was running down the hallways, leaping up the stairs and crashing around corners. She felt so cold, so very cold. She might as well have fallen into a black hole. Everything sound seemed muffled, as if there were cotton balls in her ears. She felt numb and hollow and kept running.

"Annie are you okay?" James repeated again.

"Yes. Why do you ask?" Annie replied in a soft voice. She looked completely unperturbed by the fact that Potter had just declared his liking of one of her best friends.

"Um, no reason." James said, feeling foolish. There was silence between them as James watched Annie watching the fire. Luckily, Jamie came crashing the portal a moment later, breathless and covered in what looked like…

"My god, what happened?" James said, leaping up.

"What do you mean!" Jamie said loudly. James winced.

"Well besides the fact that you have blood all over your shirt and you're as pale as a ghost, you look like you've been running." Annie said as she joined them.

"Me and Kelli found some guys that were in a fight and had to help one of them to the infirmary. They're okay but it was a bit gory so I ran back here to change because this mess is starting to smell." Jamie replied quickly, keeping her eyes off her clothes. Annie put an arm around Jamie's shoulder, but Jamie squirmed away. Annie looked hurt but Jamie wasn't looking at her, she was bee-lining it for the stairs to their dorm. James tried to follow her, but Annie held him back and shook her head when he looked at her in question. Jamie disappeared up the stairs and a few minutes later Lizz came down in her pj's.

"Oh my God, Jamie's throwing up!" She squeaked.

"What?" James and Annie said in unison.

"Yah, she came in all covered in blood, took one look at herself in the mirror, and ran for the toilet! I tried to ask her what happened but she wouldn't talk to me!" Lizzy exclaimed, truly frazzled. James pulled her into a comforting embrace. Annie looked away in embarrassment. A few minutes earlier she had foolishly thought that was going to be her!

"It's okay Lizz, she just had to get some guys out of a bloody fight and ended up taking them to the infirmary." James said. Lizz broke the hug, her cheeks flushed a brilliant pink. She ran a land through her chestnut hair and tried not to look at Annie. Lizz was glad Jamie wasn't here for once. She would've been making a visible effort not to laugh or maybe raising her eyebrows suggestively, making Lizz even more embarrassed.

"By the way Lizz, there was something I wanted to-" James tried to say.

"Damn it!" Sirius bellowed, quickly joining their group. James frowned in irritation. "Damn it, Damn it!" he said again.

"Something the matter Sirius?" Lizz asked in a sarcastically sweet voice.

"Yes, er-" Sirius stammered after suddenly realizing that mentioning he had been unsuccessfully chasing a lioness around the school grounds for the past two hours wasn't the best idea. "I, stubbed my toe on the stairs." He finished lamely. Lizz arched a critical eyebrow at him. "It hurts okay!" Sirius said defensively.

Lizz merely shrugged her shoulders. Sirius ground his teeth in frustration.

"I'm sorry that I don't live up toward your standards, milady. I'm not perfect." Sirius said sarcastically.

"Duh. You aren't any kind of Prince Charming." Lizz said. How could she be so infuriating! She made him want to slap her and beg her to accept him the way he was all at the same time! What was it with her!

"Is that what you're waiting for? Prince Charming? How ridiculous to be waiting for perfection! I almost pity you." Sirius snapped. Lizz gasped and gave him a truly hurt look. Sirius's heart stopped.

"Is that so wrong Black? Waiting for a nice, decent-looking guy with a little class? Is it really?" Lizz murmured. Knowing what it was like when they got into a fight, James and Annie had already backed up a ways away.

"N-no, I suppose not." Sirius said, moving closer. "Look-"

"Get away from me Black! Can't you stop being a sexist overbearing jerk for one second?" Lizz said, smacking away his hand. She turned away and ran back towards the dorm. Annie gave Sirius an emotionless look and ran after her. And if that wasn't enough to feed Sirius's guilt, James gave him a good punch on the jaw.

"Wake up Sleeping Beauty, I brought you some treats." Potter bellowed cheerfully. Remus opened his eyes a crack, then closed them again with a grin.

"Thank God for Butterbeer." Remus croaked hoarsely.

"No, just Madame Rosmerta." James said, still overbearingly cheerful. Remus cracked another smile. "Now sit up and I'll let you have some."

Remus groaned and pushed himself up slowly. He snatched the bottle from James and took a healthy swig. Reaching over, he moved to rest the bottle on the nightstand. However, he paused and looked down. His hand was wet. Looking around, Remus realized an entire side of his pillow was damp. Not drool, he realized as he wiped his mouth to check.

"And I have some of Honeyduke's best chocolate!" James said, procuring a few bars from his spoils bag. Remus didn't respond. "Remus," He said worriedly, "What's up?"

"Have…" Remus hesitated, running a hand through his hair in indecision. "Have you ever dreamed something and had it come true?"

"No." James replied. Remus smiled at his honesty.

"Neither have I. But I dreamt… I dreamt someone was crying for me and now this one side of my pillow is all wet."

"Freaky," James said, "So am I going to have to eat all this chocolate for you or what?"