Wow, it's been what six months since I last updated? I apologize whole heartedly. I've honestly been half alive for the past few months. I've lost hair, lost joy, and lost naivette. Please forgive me for stumbling. Enjoy the new chapter. I hope to end this, at least the main part, within the next couple months.
Much love, laughs, and a touch of madness,
feyfaery
Chapter 20: Trapped
"Why, you look now, how unworthy a thing you make of me. You would play upon me, you would seem to know my stops, you would pluck out the heart of my mystery, you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass; and there is much music, excellent voice, in this little organ; yet cannot you make me speak. 'Sblood, do you think I am easier to played upon than a pipe?"
Jamie spoke dramatically as she strode into the Room of Requirement, partly because Shakespeare always sounds better spoken aloud and partly to get a grin out of Remus. She stopped with a flourish and took a bow, her blonde hair tumbling down as she bent over dramatically. When there was no covered chuckle in response to Hamlet's woe she looked up in surprise. How strange, no Remus in sight. He wasn't ever late. A quick frown crossed her face, should she worry? But the wondering frown was pushed aside by a greedy smile as she spotted a plate of little chocolate squares and a glass of milk sitting on a mahogany coffee table. Besides the goodies, the room was also strangely scattered with mirrors of various shapes and sizes that caused her reflection to fracture a million times against itself. It gave her the creeps. What was she? So self-conscious at the moment that her mind conjured up mirrors? Her blue eyes stared back at her from every direction. Jeez, she obviously needed some chocolate.
"Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, yet you cannot play upon me!" she finished.
"I guess I'll just have to wait until he gets here." Jamie said out loud, half hoping Remus would appear just by saying it. But life was never quite like an adventure story so no man strode timely through the door, no sigh came up from the corner where she hadn't looked closely enough. She sighed and shrugged hopelessly. Sinking into the worn brown leather couch the room had also provided, dropping her heavy satchel, and snapping up a chocolate, she let her mind wander. Remus had asked her to meet him here before prefect duty hadn't he? She thought. Or maybe it was simply a dream, fueled by her desire to ask about… that. Besides… that, Jamie shivered as her mind crossed over the word Dream. Dreams had never betrayed her before, so why now? When she wasn't tumbling through her usual nonsensical illusions, the night terror descended upon her with such force that Jamie actually had trouble believing it wasn't real. Not that she could remember the damn things anyway, just the sheer fear and terror and the ache in her legs and throat, asking for rest. It simply didn't make sense, and Jamie hated when things eluded her understanding.
"Stop thinking about it! You're only getting yourself worked up!" she thought angrily at herself. Being out of control was starting to take its toll on her, but she was just so tired of trying. She could barely handle waking up sweaty and afraid, but combined with the visions of Remus, bloody and helpless…
She couldn't think about Remus either, that had caused her enough confusion.
Hamlet certainly was a sad character, a victim of events and a dastardly admirable person. She wanted to ask Remus what he thought of the play, he having seen it in a playhouse over the summer. ACH! Not Remus again! Why must he continually invade her musings! Her mind was thankfully slowing down. she could feel a numbing sensation creeping its way up her spine. It was almost too good to be true.
Jamie stood up in alarm. Remus didn't flinch as she looked right at his mirror. Her eyes rolled back and she collapsed in a dead faint.
Somehow she caught the arm of the couch before she hit the floor. A something in her deadly refusing to lose conciousness, and to be honest Jamie was happy to let it. Nothing said a bad situation than being at someone's mercy. A screeching crash made her look up, her face a model of sheer anger. Little bits of glass flung around a familiar figure standing in shock a few feet before her. She managed to bend her head up long enough for a something in her to snarl viciously at him in her mind before she completely lost it. She didn't feel herself fall into something gentle and firm.
"Blech. This stuff never tastes good. Why can't Moony at least figure out a way to make it taste good?" Sirius grumbled as he emptied the glass vial Remus had left out for him in their tower hide-away. "Well" he said with a grin as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Maybe its better he didn't, I would have too much fun if it were so easy to take." Sirius dropped the vial back into the still evilly steaming cauldron, simply glad no one could see him as he adjusted the stolen bra over his muscled chest. He looked away as it began to fill. Pain speared up his spin, exploding in his head. Sirius ground his teeth as his bones crushed themselves within him like they were breaking over and over again. He tried instead to concentrate on the blonde hair that was growing over his eyes. But even that could keep him from crying out painfully at the feeling that every muscle in his body was being ripped apart very slowly.
The stolen robes were laying out for him, but Sirius, with an impish grin, instead crept over to a mirror that lay half-covered in a corner. "Man she has some real knockers!" He said, just barely resisting the urge to touch Jamie's body. That was wrong, that was sex with yourself, and that was sad the day Sirius Black couldn't at least get someone else to do it with him. He flipped his blonde hair and turned once more in the mirror. The red lips chuckled eerily to him from the reflection.
Down in the Gryffindor common room Sirius jogged as best he could in a differently proportioned body past the other students engaged in normal Saturday night activities such as gobstones, gossiping, or good old fashioned PDA. Speeding up, Sirius trotted faster though the noisy chamber, mainly to keep up the story of having left something behind as well as to avoid starting a conversation with Annie. James's laughter caught up with him from behind. Whether or not it was because of him or Annie, he didn't look back to find out. Not that he could with all this damnable blond hair getting in his way.
He came to a halt in front of the staircase. The staircase, the very one that kept him from so many girls beds, out of their underwear drawers, and locked out of their diaries. This staircase was his Nemesis, his ultimate enemy. Would he conquer it tonight?
Waving a foot over the first stair, Sirius tried to delay the moment, but the temptation was just too great, and before he knew it he was charging up the stairs. Right before he turned the dorm's door handle, however, he laughed triumphantly and pointed at the stairs beneath his/her feet, saying "Got you, you limey bastard!" The stairs quivered in annoyance, and as if to warn him not to press his luck too hard.
As soon as he stepped into the room he was so blinded by a rainbow of bright colors that he actually took a step back. Geez, did they have to decorate it so much? Is that purple? Purple!? Once his eyes adjusted Sirius took a closer look. Annie's bed was a wash of reds, oranges, and blues, while Lizz's was purple and yellow, and both were surrounded by a wallpaper of smiling magazine cutouts and posters. Jamie's bed was blue and green, covered with the quilt he had seen her and Remus share, an extra blanket strewn across the end post, and accompanied by a few pictures tacked against the stone wall. What really caught Sirius's attention however was the many floor-to-ceiling painted morning glories that bedecked the wall parallel to her bed. In addition, real morning glories creeped up the sides of the four poster. They waved their violet skirts at him while they cuddled wantonly with the abundant green leaves that surrounded them. Upon inspection, Sirius also found a few daisies crawling up the sides of Lizz's bed.
His interest was cut short as spears of hot pain shot up his leg while something dug its claws into his robes. It hissed too. Yelping, Sirius peeled the black bundle off by the back of its neck and looked at it. Darcy, the kitten, obviously didn't like him.
"Jamie, stop holding Darcy like that! You're hurting him!" Lizz squealed as soon she saw what had caused the yelling. Pulling Darcy from Jamie's unresisting hands, Lizz scratched the spot between Darcy's ears affectionately as she carried him over to her bed. The cat alternately hissed at Sirius and purred at Elizabeth's ministrations. The bed creaked as Lizz sat down and folded her long brown legs beneath her. Sirius/ Jamie was having trouble breathing as well as thanking the god's that he was in a woman's body right now. It might have been a lot harder to not do anything about those long brown legs in a man's. He was quite sure he was blushing in the least; he could feel the heat creeping treacherously up the back of Jamie's neck. Lizz had looks that you noticed later, he decided. She was beautiful, just subtly. Her best feature was probably her hair. It was long and slightly curled, a silky brown with bright strands of gold.
"Geez, you're just as bad as James." Lizz remarked huffily. Darcy stretched in her lap, getting the full worth out of Lizz's attentions.
"James?" Jamie's lips managed to get out. The alien sound reminded Sirius that he was still in Jamie's body.
"Ya, James. You know, the guy I've been dating for the past several weeks? Ringin' any bells?" Lizz said in disbelief. She arched an eyebrow at him, Sirius wished she wouldn't. He really hadn't gotten any since summer, a fact he was not willing to share, and his break-up with Vivian a few weeks back had been over the issue of her being too grossly forward. I mean, he may Sirius the Sex God Black, but he did have a touch of class. She had never really turned him on, though god knows she'd tried. Sirius suppressed an involuntary shiver. He really hoped Remus was having fun with his drugged girlfriend.
"I know Lizz, er... duh" Sirius wasn't always good at covering himself. "I meant, uh... why do think I'm like James?"
"Cuz you pick on people." Jamie's eyebrow rose this time, but at Darcy. "Animals, whatever." Lizz continued with a flick of her hand. "I swear, if I see James pick on another person I'll scream. He and Sirius are ridiculous, chasing people down and teasing them all the time. I mean, here I thought he was this great guy, but I'm starting to think he's just as horrible as that idiotic Black who can't see past the end of his own nose." Lizz finished viciously, startling the kitten and man-girl in front of her. He'd never heard her this eloquent, especially on her absolute hatred of him. Ouch?
"I know you don't like m- Sirius Elizabeth, but why do you hate that they tease people so much? What about fighting back? Besides it's all in fun!" Sirius finished more passionately than he meant to.
"Oh, fight back? Maybe because they shouldn't have to in the first place!" Lizz said, standing up furiously. Her hazel eyes smoldered indignantly and strands of brown hair jerked free of its moorings. "In fun!?" She screeched. "What's fun about humiliation? Huh!? What's so great about causing people to hate themselves because the glorious Marauders do?! What about the little girl that got hung upside down for a full hour and ended up crying herself to sleep for several months!? That's FUN! Oh ha ha, yes let's all join in! We're all so much more powerful than they are, we might as well torment every poor soul that crosses our damn path!" Lizz breathed heavily, then slapped her hand over mouth in surprise.
"…" Sirius opened and closed his mouth in sheer astonishment. Was this really Lawrence? This wrathful divine protectress of the weak and small?
Oh, and another thing, she was dead right.
"Sorry Lizz," Jamie said. Lizz looked away and sat back down. "Really Lizz, it's not right what they do. Maybe they're horribly unaware of the effect their games have on other people. But," Jamie held up her hand as Lizz opened her mouth to object, "That does not excuse them at all does it?" Lizz nodded.
"I'm sorry too Jamie. It's just been bad to find out my boyfriend may just be a git." Lizz said. Jamie smiled and sat down next to her on the bed without thinking. "I guess we are making each other crazy aren't we?" Lizz said ruefully before wrapping Sirius in a light hug. He could smell vanilla.
Sirius forced out a smile. "Yeah…"
"What are you doing here anyway Jamie? I thought you were on duty with Remus?" Lizz said as she pulled up a strap of her bra that had fallen down without her notice. Sirius gulped and looked away, this was so wrong! Oh and he was sitting on a bed with her. Another ten minutes and.
"I wanted to uh… wanted to show Remus that book and I forgot it." Sirius lied, reaching forward a nailed hand towards the bookshelf and picking one up at random. Lizz's eyes took in that; one, Jamie had just picked "Inkspell" off the shelf, a book she abhorred, and two, her bright green nail polish had suddenly gone missing. But it was probably nothing right? I mean there are spells to take off nail polish.
"Okay," Lizz said with a shrug, "Hey, could you hand me Annie's copy of P&P?" Sirius walked over to the larger bookcase and floundered for a second before snatching a worn and almost tattered small book off the dresser and tossing it to Lizz. The book flew for a moment, its pages fluttering weakly, before it hit the floor and skidded, bending a few pages the wrong way. Sirius didn't move to get it, why should he? She missed the catch. Lizz's eyes narrowed more, but she bent down to get it. She took a moment to dust off the cover and bend the pages back properly as Jamie would want her to do.
"Hey, was it you that mentioned seeing a stag the other night?" Sirius said as nonchalantly as possible. He wanted to get out of this room, away from her. Was it hot or was it just him? Lizz froze up.
"Yes…" Lizz began slowly, trying to tread carefully. "I saw it disappear into the forest, from the window" She said. Okay, openly talking about animagus things was not Jamie's style, besides she'd really seen one from her favorite tree perch the other night, and she'd told Jamie as much.
"That's all?" Sirius said, poking around wearily. "Anything else?"
"Oh and I thought I saw a dog chasing a lion, but that's nuts right? I mean really, I must've been sleeping." Lizz shrugged, convinced now that this was not actually Jamie standing in front of her.
"Right, that's right" Sirius said in disappointment. Thinking straight was out of the question for him, so why doubt her answer? He wanted to say more, but the robes weren't as loose as they'd been when he first put them on. It was most likely coming to the end of the potion's duration. He turned to go, simply glad to get out of the enclosed space with a scantily clad Lawrence and plenty of beds.
"Hey let me check that bruise on your hip before you go." Lizz said, suddenly appearing at his side. She reached down and lifted up the hem of Jamie's robes before he could do anything about it. Now he was really, really glad he was in a woman's body.
Lizz lightly brushed her fingertips against his hip, probing just above the boxers he'd left on. She even pulled those down just a tad before releasing him. Sirius mumbled a "thanks" and bolted.
"Jamie… Jamie, please, please wake up, damn it! Jamie!"
A voice was calling out to her in the slurry of her mind. It was followed by a cool hand that stroked her forehead urgently. Each finger felt like a breath of cool air sliding against her face. Jamie held onto that feeling, following it out of her subconscious. She clung to it like a raft amid the shreds of Nightmare around her. "Jamie, wake up." The voice commanded though panic stained its usually steady voice. Stumbling through the dark, she blearily opened her eyes and from far away her voice spoke.
"What?" she said blearily. Her mouth fell so dry that it hurt to move it.
"Oh thank God." The other voice said in relief. The hand was removed from her head, and she resisted the urge not to whimper in disappointment. But she was pulled up into a warm embrace. Her brain finally caught up with the rest of her body and she took in the image her eyes were sending. The almost dark room, the mirrors around the room, and a pale, but handsome man leaning over her worriedly.
"Remus?" Her voice said unwillingly, knowing it was but hoping it wasn't him. He felt so good, gentle, but strong. Trustworthy.
"Yes, it's me. Are you alright?" He said worriedly, helping her sit up on the leather couch. Jamie looked away, ashamed of what she had been thinking. Even now, as he sat in front of her Jamie could feel a pull, like Remus was a wandering black hole. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" Remus said, leaning questioningly forward to look into her eyes.
Jamie kept her eyes trained on the floor, and mumbled a simple "Nothing" in response. He got up from his crouching position and sat next to her on the loveseat. Jamie's body tried to ignore that everything on her right side was touching him. Both warmth and the chilling touch of fear churned in her stomach. How close was it to the full moon? A week? Was that far enough? With disgust in herself, Jamie fought both feelings off.
Finally, he reached over and touched her hand lightly, almost as if she would break at his touch. Her eyes flicked up into his dark gray ones. Not a good idea she thought as she felt herself getting light-headed and looked away, they made her dizzy.
"Jamie…" His voice trailed off in worry.
"I'm fine!" Jamie snapped, jerking her hand away. "I'm not as weak as you may think Lupin." She spat, "I can take care of myself, and I'm not so easily breakable."
"I'm sorry." Remus said coldly, standing up indignantly. For a moment he kept his back to her, his hands clasped tightly behind his back as if suffering to control himself. He turned to look at her. "Listen, you were dreaming, you were having a nightmare, something!" He ran a hand through his brown hair. Jamie noticed that it was slowly beginning to curl at the ends where it has grown over the past two months. "You mumbled then you screamed and…" Damn, he couldn't even go on. He had been so scared. She had cried out in so much pain he thought she was being ripped apart by a hideous curse. Jamie merely frowned, though not meant towards him directly, she couldn't hide her anger at being caught. Screaming like a girl of all things! Resentment swelled up within her. She'd prove she wasn't weak, she could handle it. Remus frowned angrily as well and stalked to the other side of the room. Jamie could see his flexing arms crossed in an effort to control his frustration and anger. Anger and sheer stubbornness flowed beneath her own veins, like she should care if he was freaked out, he wasn't the one suffering from a never ending terror ride, not that that mattered anyway. He cast a look back at her that disarmed her train of thought.
She stood up, wanting to do something but she dared not go to him. His eyes were emotionless and maybe a little afraid? They stood thus, a whirlpool of emotions churning invisibly between them. Each was too afraid to get closer for fear of being dragged under.
He looked down. Jamie felt both parts of her curl away and reach out at the same time. Torn or no, she felt her legs move. She didn't think but merely hoped he'd catch her on the other side. Emotions crossed his face; wonder, joy, and finally, a plea. She reached him and stopped.
"You shouldn't say sorry, I should." He didn't move, didn't show any sign that he had even heard her, but didn't remove himself from her gaze. The corners of Jamie's eyes tugged with the beginnings of tears. She tried to wipe them hurriedly away but more came. "I'm pathetic." Her voice cracked unexpectedly, going unnaturally high. She waited a few moments in fear it would do it again. Remus waited silently. She continued, wanting desperately to say this. "I can't even deal with a few nightmares. When I see you worry about me it makes me upset. I feel weak, and… and I am! I can't deal with my problems, and they keep spilling out onto everyone else! I'm… just pathetic!" He looked at her with guarded eyes. She visually released him and pressed her eyes into her hands. "I mean, look at me, I'm crying, once again in front of you, and all you did was ask me if I was okay! What the hell's wrong with me? Am I just some nut who-"
"Don't be a fool." He said, bending over to wrap her up in his arms. She started in surprise but he wordlessly tightened his grip. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you whatsoever. How could you think such a ridiculous thing?" He chuckled in her ear. Her breath came in shudders as she pressed her face into the soft wool of his robes. "It is always alright to cry. You were never weak, you're strong and brave and determined! You're joyful and glorious and lovely. Cry, I don't mind being the shoulder to cry on. Just don't simply push me away again. Am I so untrustworthy?" Jamie trembled violently. A frown piqued across his face. Was he so spiteful in her eyes that she wanted to actually keep him at an arms length? Wasn't he always ready to catch for those rare moments she was falling? He closed his eyes painfully, eyebrows slanted downwards like two tensed arrows, unwilling to be released. Did she know?
However, as Remus was just about to pull away, he heard a cry of pain. Rubbing a hand over her hair, he took a look into her eyes. Tears spilled like sparkly rain from the blue sky of her eyes. Remus smiled warmly and held her closer. "I'm here, it's alright."
Silly girl Jamie was, she didn't realize she had emotions that she'd been keeping a lid on, and here they came sweeping out, taking this warm and secure moment to run rampant and eventually tire themselves out. Jamie was vaguely aware that she was sobbing, and had been for at least a few minutes. She was even more aware of the relief that broke down all the jagged edges that had sawed against her since she'd left home. Aware that Remus was still holding her as tight as ever, she didn't want to leave.
What was wrong with her? He was practically the cause of half her stress, she couldn't even be around him without wondering and wondering, her own imagination betraying her as it ran off. Yet the very second he hugged her, she didn't want to and couldn't leave because then all "that" would come back and stretch her across the rack again. She let herself pull him close for a second, imprinting the warm security into her memory. He smelled musky and as musty as a book.
"I'm just pathetic. Aren't I?" she said, sniffing nastily and breaking the hug. Jamie smiled sadly and looked up at him, bracing herself for pity.
"No," He replied, his eyes looking down into hers, and a crooked happy smile on his lips, "You aren't." Remus reached down and wiped a tear off her cheek.
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"I swear to all the good and evil forces in this world, if you don't shut your over-sized trap Black I'm going to rip it right off your face and feed it to the crows!!!" Jamie finally yelled, frustrated with Sirius once and for all. Who could blame her anyway? It had been a long afternoon, teaching people how to dance. It had started as just a "Hey I know how to waltz, let me show you" type of thing and had grown to forty people showing up instead of the original four. Who knew that they didn't have cotillion in Britain? Now she was standing on a table in the Dining Hall with an old music record, voice getting sore from yelling out instructions. It was Wednesday and the masquerade was on Saturday, the same day Ryan rode the train into Hogsmeade.
"That's a new one." James whispered.
"Don't think I can't hear you Potter," Jamie snapped without turning around to look at him. "Now, that we've covered the waltz, foxtrot, and basics in the tango, does anybody know how to salsa?" A few confident female hands were raised, but only one male hand. The glare from the large glass windows prevented her from seeing who it was, but she waved them up anyways. "Find a partner, someone you trust!" She barked out, causing a bit of confusion. Somehow, Lizz ended up with Sirius, despite the ten girl dive for him, and Annie paired up with James.
"Salsa is a trusting dance isn't it?" said the man now on the table behind her.
"On the woman's side it is at least Remus." Great, she'd picked Remus. She could feel him behind her, heating up her backside. His very presence was maddening. Politely avoiding him had been easy the last few days, but as the both Ryan and the full moon came nearer, as well as the dance on the following day, it was getting harder and the melancholy caused by his absence was just not good. Jamie began her tutorial, first showing the steps without the partner and a few moves, and then told them to pair up. She showed them how to grip each other's hands, using Remus as a, surprisingly, good example. Finally she turned on the music, showed them the beat, and told them to practice the basics.
Remus's practiced hands grabbed her own and began to move her. He had perfect control over her movements. The bit people don't really understand about "leading" is that the man more or less suggests the move and the woman follows if she wishes. Though if the man is really good, the woman will simply comply without thinking about it, even if she doesn't know the move, because it just seems so natural. Remus was really, really good.
"Wow, is there anything you can't do?" Jamie said in wonder. She knew Remus was knowledgeable, but she was hoping she could at least beat him in this subject.
"Cook" he said with a quirk of his lips.
Another song started, a faster one. They picked up the beat instantly and began to move. In salsa, the feet don't move as much, but the shifting weight causes the hips to move in tune. Jamie enjoyed the feel of her skirt twitching in time as her body began to feel the music flowing through her. Remus smiled, almost devilishly. Jamie felt her heart quake. Just a bit. But his hands had hers and she was… almost at his mercy.
First he did the basic step and a twirl here and there. Then he tested her out more and more, trying different moves that she complied with. Jamie resisted the urge not to close her eyes and let her body move on its own.
Pretty soon they were following each other across the table top, releasing and meeting again and again, perfectly in tune. Jamie's blue skirt and strapped boots created a rhythm and a blur. Remus made a flourishing final move and Jamie completed it with the corresponding backward twirl.
"Holy crap, I could do that forever!" Jamie exclaimed, breathless. Her chest was heaving up and down, accentuated by the low shirt she was wearing. Remus took notice. Jamie blushed and broke away from his arms.
"Me too." Remus said, but instead of smiling, abruptly dropped her hands and leapt off the table. Left all alone, Jamie turned a glare on the surprised staring eyes and resumed her job of teaching students how to dance. Finally, when everyone knew the basics of every dance she could remember from her dance class days, Jamie turned towards the crowd and asked if anyone knew how to play the piano. She wanted to dance to real music instead of a record, just once.
Remus, his eyes strangely cloudy and even more strangely angry, got up and moved towards the piano. Starting in alarm, Jamie told everyone to dance whatever they wanted and hurriedly leapt of the table in the direction of the door. Her boots clacked as she zipped past a surprised Annie and James, but the sound of a piano bench squeal caught up with her. She began running for it.
The piano music washed over her and bound her limbs still. He was playing something strong and angry, yet graceful in its power. Spellbound, Jamie couldn't move. She struggled for the ability to leave, but the treacherous part in her soul was winning. Remus was pouring himself, his genius, into the music; she could practically see it written out on the air. In the back of Jamie's mind, she was cussing as loudly as it could, trying to be heard over the beguiling music, but without luck.
No one except perhaps Lizz knew what music did to Jamie. Every boy she'd ever had a crush, had been her crush because he played. David, Michael, Sean… all of them. When Ryan had asked her on a second date, she'd honestly said no. When she saw him play the piano, she'd changed her mind, and he wasn't even nearly as good as this.
Knees shaking, Jamie actually physically fought for control of her legs. She didn't want to hear him play, she didn't want to be enchanted, and she didn't want to fall in love with Remus. And with that last resolution, she ran away for perhaps the first time in her life.