Author : pixel
Rated: R mostly, but maybe some NC-17 later depends how it goes
Ship: xander/graham/oc
Disclaimer: I own nothing, claim nothing, they all still belong to Joss et al and I'm just borrowing for a while.
Authors Notes 1: Ok this is probably going to have slash, bad language, character death and buffy bashing so if you don't like don't read. I don't have a beta so all mistakes are mine if you point them out I'll try to fix them. There's an explanation etc in prologue.
Authors Notes 2: Concrit and reviews always welcomed and appreciated, helps me know i'm not talking to myself here.
How We Came To This Part 5
"Oops!" Xander's reply positively dripped with sarcasm.
"Well it's not like we were all friendly when I got back, what with you pretty much hating me and me being kinda crazy; and it's not as if I knew you were going to wind up there now is it?"
"Right Spike, just would have been nice to know that they would wind up giving you their idea of what you wanted, not what you asked for."
"So what did you wind up with anyway, what was running through that mind of yours, pet?"
"I wanted back what I'd lost, that's what it said it read from me, not even sure I knew what exactly, my eye, Anya, our old life maybe. What I wound up with was my possessions, all of them, still can't decide if it was a blessing or a curse. It took some work but I've got control of them this time around, it's just I'm not entirely sure I'm me anymore."
"I remember the soldier memories, helped me out with the Initiative's little tracker, but what else were you? Never heard or saw you be anything else."
"First was a Primal, a hyena spirit, happened right after we met Buffy, long before you and Dru showed up in the Dale. I always pretended to the girls I didn't remember it, I had no control at all, just ran on instinct, I was lucky Buffy got me locked up before I hurt anyone, the rest of my pack ate our principal. I almost hurt her though, the hyena wanted a mate, and I came pretty close to forcing her, and I don't think I'd have come back from that. You know about the soldier from Halloween senior year, but what most people didn't realise was that my costume was a genuine second hand uniform. Everyone thought I had some kind of generic soldiers training stuff in my head, but actually it was a specific soldier's memories. He was a special-forces black ops guy; which means I have a lot of skills I didn't exactly have to earn, but I get his bad stuff too. He was a POW for a time, and his unit wasn't exactly the type to play by the rule book; some of the stuff they did was closer to executions than warfare and I can remember how every kill looked, how it felt. I'm not sure the last one even qualifies as a possession, I mean it wasn't exactly me, but the demon must have decided it counted." Xander stopped and took a deep breath, this was the part he really didn't like, after everything he'd said about Angel and Spike over the years, now he wasn't that different from them.
"Can't stop there, what else are you?"
"Remember how we got Anya?"
"Didn't you cheat on the cheerleader with Red, got yourself caught?"
"Actually you got us caught, what with the kidnapping, head injuries and locking us up so you could make Willow get Dru back for you."
""Wasn't my fault you decided to lock lips with Red, you'd have got caught sooner or later, way you all lived in each other's pockets, no way to keep anything a secret for long."
"Maybe, ancient history anyway, when Cordy found out she was……shall we say less than pleased. Anya showed up and got her to make a wish, Cordy never realised Anya was a demon so she didn't think it would do any harm. She actually thought it out and decided that the only reason she'd lowered herself to date a loser like me was because I'd saved her life a couple of times. She thought that seeing as the life saving was usually demon related, it must have started because I was Buffy's friend, so she wished that Buffy had never come to Sunnydale. She wound up in this kinda alternative universe, where Buffy went somewhere else after she was called; only problem was that a Sunnydale without a Slayer was a pretty awful place. The Master was never stopped and he pretty much ruled the town, no one could go out after dark and all the people she should have saved were gone. Including me and Willow, we were turned right away, Darla gave us to the Master and he decided to keep us."
"You were childer not minions." Angel's softly spoken words weren't really a question, he remembered the Willow from that world all to well. "You're not a vampire, I can hear your heart beating and you still smell alive."
"Not an actual vampire but I've got the strength and senses," and this was the bit that he truly hated, "And the blood lust."
"You need to feed?"
"Not exactly like you Deadboy, I only need a small amount of blood, from Graham, if I can't feed from him then I'd need a lot of blood from another source, they tied him to me, made it so his blood is essential for me to survive."
"Do you have the demon?"
"No, seems like I got the body upgrade without that, thank god, because the hyena and the soldier added to the vamp stuff means I'm pretty unstoppable, don't care to think how bad it would be if I had a demon in control."
"What about you," Angel turned to Graham, "How do you feel about being made to be Xander's food source?"
"It isn't like that, it was my fault anyway; he's forced to stay with me to survive, not the other way round."
"Dammit Gray. You know that isn't true, this is not your fault and I stay because I love you not because of anything the demon did. With all the mojo users we know, don't you think that if I wanted to I could find a way around this?"
"Maybe, maybe not, but this came from what the demon read from me, from my insecurities," realising that he'd already started to explain his own changes Graham decided he might as well tell them the rest. "All I ever wanted was to be a marine, serve my country, it's what my family does, five generations, my dad died in service. When I got in everything was fine, the life I always wanted, then when I got recruited for the Initiative……it was like this huge deal. They said they were only looking for the very best, they didn't tell us much at first and what they did say was so fucking unbelievable. We went along with it all, I mean the brass aren't exactly known for playing practical jokes. They never once used the words demons or magic. They told us about previously undiscovered breeds of animals that were threatening the human race. They said animals, we just assumed they knew what they were talking about, they gave them fancy names and numbers, told us they might appear to be human or exhibit and mimic human behaviour, but that they were just imitating stuff they'd seen. They swore that the things we were fighting weren't sentient. Then we were sent to Sunnydale.
It was strange right from the start, all the undercover crap, pretending to be students, hiding who we were; but they always had a bunch of plausible answers about avoiding public panic and national security." Graham swallowed hard, concentrating on Xander's face as he continued, unable to look at Spike. "Then it got worse, the docs in charge started in on the experiments, and while they said it would be better for the creatures in the long term, 'cos we'd be able to stop them from hurting humans without killing them; the type of things they were testing didn't seem right. Then Professor Walsh started asking for specific creatures, demanding they be brought in intact even if it cost us lives. I suppose we all knew it was getting out of hand but we'd no idea how far and the drugs they'd been pumping into us didn't exactly help provide clarity of mind.
When it all fell apart, with Buffy, the professor and then Adam, we realised how bad we'd been. Hell we expected to wind up getting court-martialed and kicked out, but in the end the government couldn't afford that, I mean it would all have come out; from the existence of demons, to the army kidnapping and torturing sentient beings and the little fact that they'd almost destroyed the world and had to be saved by a teenager and her friends. They couldn't kick us out but they didn't exactly know what to do with us either. It took months for us all to get back to normal, getting the drugs out of our systems and the surgery most of us needed to fix the damage to our bodies from Walsh's experiments. All the time I just couldn't stop thinking that this wasn't what I'd signed up for; I was a soldier that meant I was supposed to help people to save them.
Even when we wound up in Africa I couldn't seem to settle, we'd track down some demon or other, but as glad as I was to save whoever was in trouble I couldn't stop thinking about how we just didn't know what we were doing. What gave us the right to judge? I think if Xander hadn't come along I'd have probably walked away, I just couldn't live with myself. It was easier after that, recruiting the Slayers, helping them, I didn't have to make moral judgements anymore, and with the books and stuff from the Watchers Council we weren't operating blind, we knew who and what we were fighting. I thought I was past the guilt, but in the cave when the demon read me I found out I wasn't. It said that it saw I wanted to not be a killer, that I wanted to help people, and so it made me a healer. I can cure almost anything, damage to the mind or body, though it can take a lot out of me, but there's a price…..I can't kill, can't take any life under any circumstances. If a demon walked through the door now and was about to destroy the world and I was the only one with a weapon, we'd be totally screwed 'cos I just physically wouldn't be able to do a thing.
It also said I wanted to be needed, that I didn't think Xander could love me, that anybody could love me 'cos I didn't think I deserved that, so that's why it made Xander need my blood, I was so fucking desperate to have him stay, now he has no choice." Graham pushed up from the couch and headed for the stairs.
"Gray, don't you fucking do this again, stop beating yourself up. Gray…." Xander eased Dawn from his lap and stood up. "Look I know you guys have a thousand and one questions but you'll have to make do with the others for awhile, I need to go check on him." With that he headed after his lover, only to stop when Angel grabbed his arm. "Like I said, you'll have to wait for me Deadboy."
"I've only got one question. What's Buffy's address in Rome?"
"And you need Buffy's address, why exactly?"
"So I know where to go when I get off the plane."
"Ok. Again with the why?"
"Isn't it obvious, we need to get to Rome as soon as possible so we can save Buffy."
"Ok, you want to go to Rome and save Buffy?"
"Of course, that's why you wanted us here, right? So we could help you save Buffy."
"Faith, remember how I promised I was going to be all calm and reasonable and not let Deadboy here piss me off?"
"I remember X."
"I lied," turning as he spoke Xander punched Angel in the jaw, the force of the blow sending the vampire right across the room and causing the wall to splinter and crack when his flying body struck it.
Winded and dazed, Angel struggled to his feet, "What the fuck do you think you're…." Before he could finish the question Xander had crossed the room and grabbed him up by the collar.
"Now I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here Deadboy, 'cos I really don't want to think you've gone all evil on us again. So just for the imbecilic vampire who appears to have not listened to a single fucking word any one's said, I'll lay it out for you again. Buffy got involved with the Immortal, Buffy willingly embraced a dark ritual to get power, Buffy willingly gave up her soul; which means, in case you've forgotten, that the thing currently running round Rome in Buffy's body is no longer the girl we knew. 'Cos the last time I checked, the Buffy I knew wouldn't have been capable of murdering her best friend and trying to kill her baby sister, not to mention working to bring about a fucking apocalypse. So no I didn't bring you here to help save Buffy, she's beyond anyone's help; it's the rest of the human race that's in trouble."
"Just because something's happened to her doesn't mean she can't be saved. I love her, I can reach her; I know I can. You're just a kid; you've no idea what happened, you've no right to just give up on her. After everything she's done for you how can you just abandon her? I never figured you for a coward." Angel suddenly began to convulse with pain, glancing round as he fell to the floor, he saw Dawn advancing towards him, her eyes again green with power, hand extended towards him, a look of pure fury distorting her face. Everyone, except Spike, from the AI crew tried to get to him but found themselves held back by a mystical barrier.
"How dare you talk to him that way? He saved us, all of us, more times than I can even count. If there were a way, however dangerous, however much of a long shot he would take it. My sister is gone, I had to look into her eyes and see a monster looking back, see someone who wanted me dead. As for you reaching her, my god you didn't even know her. You hadn't seen her for more than ten minutes at a time in over five years. You weren't there when mom got sick and died and Buffy had to be strong all the time so she could look after me. You weren't there when she fought a God to keep me safe, when she died to save me. You go on about how much you loved her, but it was such a fucking selfish love, when she was dead the rest of us might as well not have existed. Buffy died to let me live, to protect me, her life's work was protecting the people of the Hellmouth; but I don't remember you showing up to make sure she didn't die in vain. You never came to check on the people she loved to make sure they were ok, you ran off to some fucking monastery to feel sorry for yourself, as far as you knew the Hellmouth was unprotected, but we could all have died and you'd never have even noticed.
The vampire with the soul, what a fucking joke, it's all about you, your suffering, your redemption, your love, there's nothing selfless about you at all. Do you want to know who taught me about true love? Spike, He didn't have a soul then, he was a demon but he was always a better man than you. He loved Buffy, back then he never thought he'd get a chance with her, never even thought she'd touch him, but he loved her anyway. He let Glory torture him, hurt him in ways that would even give Angelus nightmares and never gave her what she wanted, because he knew that's what Buffy needed him to do. When she died, he stayed; he tried to do what she would have done. He protected the Hellmouth, killed demons; saved us all over and over again. More than that he looked after me, I was her sister and because he loved her he also loved me. He held me when I cried, told me crappy bedtime stories and frightened off any boy that even looked at me. He tried to do what Buffy would have, to give me the life she wanted me to have. His love didn't die with her, it meant more than that. To really love somebody you have to care about what's important to them, you never did understand that, all you ever wanted was to be with her on your terms.
You have no right to come in here and judge us, to try and decide for us. We don't need you and we sure as Hell aren't about to let you get us all killed by running off to Rome and warning that thing about what's going on. We're talking about the end of everything here Angel, which you'd have found out if you'd just listened a little longer. Now you need to pick a side, you fight with us or against us. There's no middle ground this time." With that Dawn shut down her power and walked away, leaving Angel writhing in agony on the floor and Spike staring after her, a look of pride and disbelief on his face.
"Faith, you better get him some blood, don't want him dying on us yet. I need to get Dawn calmed down and find Gray. When he's up to listening come get me, Amy you can let them go now, they can help him if they want. Deadboy Dawn was right about everything she said, so when I get back we are going to finish this and you'd damn well better listen with your brains not your dick this time; because if I think for one second you're going to betray us I'll dust you and I promise you I won't regret it for a single second."
tbc…..