Chapter 13: I Never Did It

This is an idea I got while watching Family Guy. This contains some suggestive themes, heavy language, and just plain old funniness. This is VERY random. My sister thinks I'm crazy, and she's right. Enjoy.

This takes place at the Devil's Nest. Thom, Greed, Jen, Archer, Kimblee, Lust, Sloth, Envy, Ed, Winry, Riza, and Mustang were sitting around drinking when Kimblee said, "I've got an idea, let's play I never did it. It's a game where someone says something they've never done, and if someone has done it they drink."

Everyone agreed, and they started to play. Envy started by saying, "I've never done alchemy." Everyone except him, Archer, Lust, Sloth, Hawkeye, Winry, and Greed drank.

Lust was next. She said, "I never slept with Greed." Nobody drank.

Ed said, "I never stuck a firecracker up a dogs ass, and blew it up." Thom, Kimblee, and Mustang drank.

Winry said, "I never masturbated to a picture of Ed." To everyone's shock, Envy drank.

Ed's eyes bulged and he yelled at Envy, "YOU SICK BASTARD!"

Thom continued by saying, "I never tried to get Riza to sleep with me, only to have her shoot me." Roy drank.

Sloth said, "I never blew anybody to pieces before." Thom and Kimblee drank.

Archer said, "I never got sent to jail in a pink dress and raped by five men at once." Kimblee's hand shook as he drank.

Mustang said, "I never flipped off the Furor." Thom drank.

Jen said, "I never smoked a whole pack of cigarettes in one day." Thom drank again.

Hawkeye said, "I never shot myself in the foot." Thom drank again.

A moment later, Armstrong burst into the room.

Greed gave him an evil look and said, "You know, you could have just opened the door. Oh well, as long as you're here, you might as well play with us." Greed's turn was next and he said, "I never flexed my muscles at a cow." Armstrong drank.

A few hours later, Thom, Greed, and Kimblee had two or three times as many beer bottles in front of them as everyone else, and the Blast alchemist was swaggering drunk.

Lust thought for a moment and then said, "What else is there? Uh…I never gave the reach-around to a spider monkey while singing the national anthem."

Thom exclaimed, "Oh, come on!" then took a drink.

Mustang leaned back in his chair and said, "I never tried hitting on Jen, only to have her stab me in the nuts, shoot me in the foot, and kick me in the face."

Kimblee started downing beer after beer until Riza stopped him and asked, "Why are you drinking so many?"

Kimblee replied, "Because it's happened a lot."

Archer said, "I never tried to fit a gun in my mouth, only to have it fire once I got it in." Greed drank.

Jen asked, "Why would you shove a gun in your mouth?"

He replied, "To prove I could."

Armstrong's turn was next and he said, "I never left a flaming bag of dog-doo on the Furor's porch." Mustang, Thom, Kimblee, and Greed drank.

Ed says, "I never went to bed with three girls at once." Thom and Greed drank more.

Sloth said, "I never slept with Blast." Winry, Riza, and Lust drank.

Everyone stared at Thom in disbelief and he said, "Who do you think the three girls were?"

Riza yelled aloud, "There was beer involved people!"

Mustang shot him a glance that said I shall set you ablaze.

Thom said, "I never slept with a farmer's daughter only to have the farmer barge in and shoot me in the crotch with a double-barreled shotgun." To no one's surprise, Greed drank.

Archer said, "I never tried to ride an electric floor buffer after a shot of tequila." Thom, Ed, and Mustang drank.

Jen said, "I never mooned and/or flashed Furor Bradley." Thom drank once more.

At that moment everyone in the room passed out.

The next morning, Thom woke with a killer hang-over. He got up and went to make a prairie oyster (an egg concoction that is good for hang-overs) and Greed got up and nearly fell over from lack of blood flow to his brain. Almost everyone else woke soon after, and all of them had major hang-overs. Archer was the only one still asleep.

Greed looked at him and asked, "Should we wake him up?"

Thom glanced over and said, "No, I have a better idea." With that said he walked over and put whipped cream onto Archer's hand, and messed with his nose. It didn't take long for him to slam the cream into his face.

Archer got pissed and said, "I am going to KILL YOU!"

Everyone started laughing, and Thom, Greed, Jen, Kimblee, Envy, and Ed went to therapy.

The scene closes.