STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: Ibidem.
Songs to listen to while reading, in this particular order: "Hide & Seek" by Imogen Heap / "Third Planet" by Modest Mouse / "Disappointed" by The Frames
Variations on a recurring theme – Intermezzo
We are all starved for affection, though few refuse to admit it. All we want is something to hold on to, something to push away. A place to call home, a place to leave behind. We claim to have no regrets – they're useless after all – but, if so, then why are we so tempted to apologize for our mistakes? Come to think of it, why don't we? Maybe because we enjoy making them in the first place. Or maybe, because being at fault is what makes us imperfect. It is what makes us human and beautiful. It is what makes us so silently sorry.
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Sorry #1
Say you're sorry. Except you can't, you're not equipped to. And if you don't have it in you, then that just means you don't know how to feel bad about anything, that there is no guilt strong enough to plague you. You're invincible because you can break everyone around you without falling apart. It's a jungle out there and it's survival of the fittest so, of course, you'll win, you'll live, you'll thrive. While boxes labeled "fragile" tip over, their contents shattering beyond repair, sturdy and unapologetic, you will remain and there will be no regrets. No "sorry" will escape your lips and you'll be fine with that. But, you'll wonder – inadequate as you are – why everyone else can do and feel something you can't even begin to touch. Why, unbreakable as you are, you are no better than the rest of them. Why you're imperfect too. There are no paladins of justice, only guide dogs leading the blind.
Kenshin #1
What am I if not a horrible person? I screw up once and I keep on doing it for the rest of my life. And I don't regret it. Except I do, but only because I seem incapable of feeling appropriately guilty. Or maybe that's a lie I tell myself. It wouldn't come as a surprise, since I feed myself lies for breakfast. I pretend nothing can get to me anymore as I drive spoonfuls of soggy cereal to my mouth, day after day after day. But she gets to me and I can't be bothered. Because that's just who I am. I am a horrible person.
Her face falls and I stare at her, I drink her in. I'm hurting her but I can't look away. I know why, but I would rather not think about it, not give her any power over me. Remorse is painful, so it is best not to leave oneself wide open for a letdown. It is better to be a horrible person.
And, as for me? I'm as selfish as they come. And I don't care because I can't afford weakness. I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime. So, as she walks away, I hate myself. Then again, that's nothing new, now, is it? I live with my eyes closed, the truth constantly eluding me as I run from it with my tail between my legs.
Kaoru #1
He doesn't look the least bit apologetic, does he? It's obvious he doesn't feel sorry and it makes me so mad that his indifference actually managed to wound me. Because none of this makes any sense. Why do I have to be so weak? Why on earth am I made of spun glass right about now? I want to cry.
He doesn't make a move, he doesn't say any of the things I want to hear. I know he doesn't owe me anything, but would it kill him to show some sympathy? Come to think of it, yeah, he would probably keel over and die, the heartless redhead that I just can't seem to hate – I have to start trying harder because I'm sure I'll get there some day.
He just doesn't know what it is like, does he? To wear your heart on your sleeve and have it snatched away before you can so much as breathe. He is, sadly enough, my first love – as luck would have it, it's of the unrequited type – and he can't even be nice about it. He can't be that big of an idiot to not see… can he? There goes my Pandora complex again, getting the best of me. I should go before she puts her two cents in. At least I'll still have my dignity. If only he would say something…
Sorry #2
You want to say you're sorry, but the words refuse to come out. From your lips you draw all kinds of words, but none obey your heart. You feel regret, yet it is not rooted so deep that apologies are forthcoming. It feels lousy to rain on someone else's parade, but guilt is a passerby looking in. Seconds tick away and the intruder quickly takes his leave. You're just not sorry enough, are you?
Kenshin #2
When I crashed the car, I felt bad about it. I didn't apologize, but I knew it was wrong. When I smoked my first cigarette, I instantly regretted it, the word "cancer" coming to mind as soon as I started coughing. That didn't stop me from lighting another one and so on and so forth, until smoking became a pleasurable habit.
When I got drunk for the first time it felt great. A hangover, however, made me realize that the consequences were clearly not worth it. At the next party, I chugged down as many beers as I could get my hands on, played strip poker and wound up with a girlfriend whose name was as much of a mystery to me as the reason why I was so intent on getting cirrhosis. Because the parties never seemed to end and I was a firm believer in the culture of refills.
When I took my first hit, I blamed peer pressure and also, I'll admit, a part of me. I wondered what my parents would have thought of me and my heart did a funny little flip that, as time went by, I learned how to ignore. I would roll up a joint without a hint of regret. I would snort some coke and hate myself a little more. But going numb, stepping outside of my own consciousness and the basest of needs always won out. The craving always spoke louder and I was just as sorry as I was past caring.
I did a lot of things I'm ashamed of, some of which I'm sure are unforgivable. And every time I fucked up I did so without thinking about anyone else but me. I made mistakes knowingly and I felt bad, but not nearly as bad as I should have. I was an unapologetic jerk determined to throw my life away and, in some ways, I still am.
I thought that what happened with Akira would break the cycle, would put me on the right track. I ended up falling in love with his girlfriend instead. It gets worse: she fell in love with me and I let her stay by me. Granted, I eventually let her leave me without so much as putting up a fight, but she shouldn't have stuck around in the first place. I was selfish and hurt her in the process. And I'm not done being a callous bastard, because there are lessons that I'm unwilling to learn. I'm the kid sitting in the back of the classroom, sticking gum in someone's hair, doodling in a notebook with my headphones on, doing anything but pay attention to the teacher. I simply can't be bothered and it's damn clear that I'm going to fail the upcoming finals.
But the way she looks at me is irresistible and the fact that she has no idea what she's getting herself into makes whatever it is that's going on between us all the more intense. I'm determined to change so I push her away. It's for the best, really. She's relentless, though and, as she walks away, I remain unmoved. I don't have it in me to care anymore and she has decided. So that's the end of that. She won't lift a finger because the ball's in my court now. And I shouldn't play. The problem is that I know my own nature, I know what lies beneath; start peeling an onion and you will have to come to terms with the fact that, aside from the first two layers, there are no more surprises. I'll dribble, aim for the hoop and hope against hope that it goes in the net. It's in my nature to chase after her and, though I should, I don't feel all that sorry. I can't keep fighting anymore.
Kaoru #2
There's a touch of regret in his eyes with every word he speaks, the ones that are digging him into an even deeper grave. I shouldn't care. It shouldn't matter because my feelings obviously don't matter to him, not as I want them to. But I'm a fool and I latch onto his pity like a lifeline. It brings me a small sense of comfort to know that some part of him feels uncomfortable, that I can at the very least get a rise out of him.
And since it's so undignified and so immature on my part, I have to put an end to it, don't I? If only he would say the right thing…
Sorry #3
Why should you apologize? You didn't do anything wrong, you're not at fault, so why should you feel sorry? Because pride punishes humility by relegating it to a sitting position at one of the room's corners, a "dunce" cap on its head. Angry words, angry thoughts, but not a hint of an "I'm sorry" in sight. You're the victim and you don't back down. Denial is thy name. It all went wrong, it all fell apart and, maybe giving in could be a start. But, on your tongue, "sorry" is soundproof. Silence drives wedges between continents and condemns refugees on flotation devices to death by sea. Lonely TV dinners await stubborn minds; after all, they think alike.
Kenshin #3
Pitying myself won't get me very far. I didn't ask her to look at me like that. I didn't ask for her to breeze into my life and make things more exciting! I didn't ask for the kind of hope she offers without question! It's her own fault if she thought something could come of this! It's her own fault if she even considered that I'm someone I'm not. Why should I feel sorry? Doesn't she understand that I'm doing her a favor by keeping her at a distance? I should be the one upset; after all, I'm the one making all the sacrifices here!
She walks away and I'm aware that pitying myself won't get me very far. And all I want is to be walking beside her, holding her hand, making sure she knows that she's very much the boss of me – I'm no better than Sano or any man once they've met their match. The more I think about it, it becomes clearer: she's the one for me. Only I can't tell her that. And I refuse to feel sorry for it; I'll simply feel sorry for myself instead.
Kaoru #3
The nerve of that man! Of all the… Silence? All I get is silence? All I get is halfhearted excuses??? If he keeps this up, he's going to wind up a lonely old man, and it would serve him right too! Why should I be the one to beg for crumbs when there's someone else right around the corner more than willing to sweep me off my feet? I'm done with this! I swear I'm through with Kenshin Himura and his mixed signals! I've had it up to here!!! I have my pride and I don't have low self-esteem, not really. Damn it, I deserve way better than this! I'm sick of hearing the same tired excuses over and over again. Because I do not deserve to be treated this way. Because I care too much. Because I know that when he looks at me I loose my nerve and become putty in his hands. I am not freaking dough for him to knead! If he thinks he's got me eating off the palm of his hand, then he's got another thing coming! Let him stay holed up in himself, the selfish twit! Except…what he did for her was far from self-seeking, wasn't it? It's always about the one that got away, am I right? And for all that, there's nothing he can really say, is there? There's nothing either one of us can do. It's a stalemate, folks… yet again. Fine, let him keep his mouth shut for all I care! Who needs him to say anything anyway?
Sorry #4
Technically, there is no argument. Technically, there is no fight. Technically, there is nothing serious at stake. Being sorry is, in some cases, that which hangs by a thread. On occasion, mere technicalities are not worth being voiced aloud.
Kenshin #4
We're not really friends, are we? Kaoru and I are acquaintances. We haven't known each other that long. There is nothing in this world that makes our presence in each others lives truly special. Except for when she smiles at me and makes me feel like I'm the center of her universe. But that's not really logic talking, is it?
I don't understand why she gets so upset; it's not like I've wronged her or betrayed her trust. If she were mine, I would find her reaction rational, but she's not. So why do I feel like if I say I'm sorry she will stop walking away?
Kaoru #4
I'm the self-proclaimed Queen of the Idiots. Whenever I catch myself hoping, I know that I'm only daydreaming. Reality is not fiction, it's not my imagination running wild. There was never anything between us, there could never be and he's made that more than clear time and again. There simply isn't anything for him to say…
Sorry #5
When no one is to blame and no harm is meant, there simply is no need for an "I'm sorry". And yet, it is in those moments that such a word is the best remedy for depressed ears. Sadly, as unnecessary as an apology can prove to be, it remains, thus, unspoken.
Kenshin #5
I think about saying it. I don't really know what it will solve, but I'm sorely tempted. Then the moment is gone and she's walking away. For what it's worth Kaoru, I am sorry…
Kaoru #5
You're right. Let me leave and keep your words to yourself. It's better this way. Please don't say anything at all.
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The ballad of Kaoru and Kenshin: a series of misunderstandings and loose ends. It all started with a parrot, but it certainly didn't end with a squawk or a bang. It's as T.S. Elliot, said: if anything, in the end there was no sound, save for a whimper. Of course, there are miles to go before any story can be put to bed – that's Robert Frost talking, by the way – and sorry doesn't actually count until someone says it out loud.
The time to rewind the tape draws near. Fine dell'intermezzo.