LOL, this fic can be summed up as this: Lots of slightly creepy Michael ramblings ;)
Season 1 fic
I dont own season one...or 2...or...sniff..i'm sad now :(
It would probably scare you to know how often I watch you.
When you tested me for diabetes, I was examining the clothes you were wearing that day. I was scanning the room, taking in as much information about your personality as possible.
Learning, partly out of curiosity. Partly out of necessity.
The apparent organization of your office told me you were anything but unprofessional.
Of course, I already knew you took your job seriously.
I immediately felt a need to learn more.
To watch more.
It didn't take long.
You don't see me watching, doctor.
You don't see me glance your way when you pass the fence next to the yard. You don't see me staring when you bustle around in the infirmary with your other patients while I wait quietly for you to get to me next.
You don't notice my eyes on your every move as you prepare my shot, write your report, check my heart-rate. You seem oblivious.
Maybe you're not. Maybe you see me looking at you.
If you do, you certainly know how to ignore it.
I think you've noticed a few times. But you have no idea how much I've learned.
Things so simple, so seemingly unimportant, but all too valuable to me.
The different tones of your voice. I've learned to recognize when your tired, content, angry, sad.
I know your anger and sadness well.
I've heard that anger be thrown in my direction. Ever since you saw her.
I've seen the pained glint of your eyes that comes with that tone. Sadness I brought to you.
I see it. And I hate it.
But I've also seen your smile, heard you laugh, committed it to memory for the sake of having something to hold onto if it happens that I never see you again.
I cherish the easy pitch of your voice when you speak to me like I'm a normal person. Like I'm not in prison.
It keeps me from falling into a prison so dark I could never escape, no matter how delicately I plan.
I've watched every day. And every day I gather new information about you. Some things I find interesting, like your fascination with Ghondi. Some are troubling-- I wish you and your father weren't so distant.
Some things…I simply find wholly attractive.
A lot of things, actually. Too many, if I want to be honest with myself.
Even now, with you being cold and trying to shut me out, I can feel the warmth you unknowingly radiate without even touching me.
At night I close my eyes and when I'm not seeing my brother safely on the outside of these walls, I see you.
In my dreams you're never angry. You always smile. You always laugh.
You lose the cold doctor image and take on the Sara I'd like to know.
The medical jacket disappears.
Sometimes my dreams get intense from there. Sometimes all of your other clothes disappear too.
And I always wake up sweating the next morning.
It's those days I try desperately NOT to look at you.
I don't know what you would think, if I told you all of this.
I'm not sure if you would be mad or flattered, or if you would simply laugh at me like I was insane.
So I think I'll keep it to myself. For now.
I'll just keep watching, learning, thoroughly enjoying it and cursing it at the same time. I'll keep imprinting your image into my brain, every day adding a new factoid or physical detail that strikes me.
Maybe I'll tell you what I've learned. Eventually. If you ever give me such a chance.
Until then I'll just keep looking, listening, and on rare occasions, touching.
Today I think I'll see if I can find something new. Maybe your makeup will be entirely different, that will catch my attention immediately. Or maybe I'll find some new specks of color in your eyes.
Maybe you'll speak to me today, without anger or regret or shame.
Maybe you'll smile. Maybe I'll be able to make you laugh.
I'll be sure to pay close attention if you do.
Maybe you'll look at me for once, instead of averting your eyes like I'm evil itself.
If you do look, Sara, you'll see me watching. And if you smile, you'll see me smile back.
You seem to have that affect on me.