Disclaimer: What? CF and I own X-Men. . . ? Yeah, right. In our dreams. . .
Authors' Notes:
CF: Why, I believe this is the first time I've seen/done a parody beginning with uber fluffy Romyness! Now, excuse me, I have to hide from Rogue…
Rogue238: I'm really confused about the state of the Reviews situation. Please explain. . . Besides that, This is so fun! You just got to keep reading.
Normally, we'd answer reviews here, but there seems to be a new rule against that! But thanks to everyone who reviewed, sorry we can't respond!
The Rogue Bride
Chapter 1- As You Wish
"People! Get ready!" TM calls. She takes a sip of her Dr. Pepper. "Oh yeah, and Rogue, we're not calling you Buttercup."
"Thank Gawd. Ah'd have ta kill all o' y'."
"What's wrong with Buttercup?" Fred asks. "She's my favorite PowerPuff."
Rogue just rolls her eyes.
"Go backstage…Rahne and Amara'll give you the dress," CF says. Rogue groans at the thought of being shoved in another princess-y dress, but she goes backstage.
"Did you get Scott's clothes yet?" CF asks eagerly.
Lightning shakes his head. "No, unfortunately. You can never trust the postal service, you know that."
"I know," CF grumbles.
"Remy!" Raven yells once she sees him on the stage. "You have to take the trench coat OFF!"
"But Remy—"
"Don't start with the 'I never take this coat off' thing!" Raven snaps and starts shouting unmentionable phrases at him in Creole. Remy sighs and takes off the coat.
"How are we going to make them touch?" TM muses. "After all, there's a LOT of kissing in these first scenes."
"Anyone got a power negater?" CF calls. Forge walks up holding a bracelet.
"Well…it doesn't exactly work that well, you know," he says. "It only negates powers for about 5 seconds before it has to be recharged. And… it takes an hour to recharge."
"Typical," Raven mutters, "but we'll take what we can get." She grabs the power negater.
"Okay, people—"
"Places," Raven snaps, cutting off CF.
"Calm down," Lightning mutters.
Raven's eyes flash. "Calm down? Do you WANT to be thrown through a wall?"
"Maybe I do."
"Maybe I'll pick a steel one this time."
"Shutting up now."
"Thank you."
CF sticks the all-important Piece Of Black Paper (aka POBP) in front of the camera as everyone gets on stage. The four directors all grin evilly.
"3…2…1…ACTION!" They all shout at the same time. Scott screams and faints as the four directors snicker evilly.
"Absolute power is fun."
The scene shows Jamie sitting in bed, trying to play a video game, though he keeps coughing. The door opens and Ororo walks in, placing her hand against his forehead.
"How do you feel?"
"Not so good," Jamie mumbles.
"Well, I've got some good news for you, child," Ororo says kindly.
"Scott and Jean are dead?" Ororo shoots him a look.
"Your grandpa's here!"
"Mom," Jamie whines, "can't you tell him I'm sick?"
"That's WHY he's here," Ororo says.
"But he'll do the creepy finger thing! I hate that!"
"Oh, nonsense—"
"Hey! How's my favorite grandson!" The Professor, being oddly cheery, bursts into the room on his wheelchair through the door.
"Hypothetically, I'm your only grandson," Jamie mutters. "AAH!" He yells as the Professor steeples his fingers.
"I hate that," CF mutters.
"Me too," Raven, Lightning, and TM say at the same time. Scott begins to twitch madly, muttering something about synchronized sentences.
"I told you so," Jamie says, glancing triumphantly at Ororo. She ignores it and leaves the room.
"I think I'll leave you two alone…" As the door shuts, there is an Uncomfortable Silence.
"I brought you something," the professor hands Jamie a wrapped present.
"A book? Wow…um…thank you?" Sarcasm is lost on the professor.
"When I was your age, television was called books."
"When you were my age…I don't even wanna THINK about that."
"Thank you, Jamie, but as I was saying—"
"Does it have any sports in it?"
"Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles."
"Uh, true love isn't a—"
"Stop interrupting me." Jamie grumbles a while, but finally shrugs.
"I'll try and stay awake."
"Well, thank you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming." He opens the book.
"The Rogue Bride, by…some guy whose name I can't pronounce."
Using one of Forge's holographic…things, the scene on the stage fades away. It now shows a Vast European Countryside with rolling hills of green grass and tall trees. Then, it zooms in on a small country farm.
"Rogue was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin," the Professor is speaking through a microphone Forge has set up.
"Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Remy, but she never called him that."
"Isn't that a great beginning?"
"No, not really," Jamie says, also through a microphone. "It was—"
"Oh, shut up," the Professor says, "I'm a senile bald telepath. Humor me."
Raven clears her throat from the director chair. They continue.
"Nothing gave Rogue as much pleasure as snapping at Remy and ordering him around."
"Yeah, don' Remy know it," the Cajun mutters. The scene switches to Rogue, who is standing in the background holding the reins of her horse. FYI, the horse is really Ray/Rob. Ray as the head and Rob as the tail.
"Swamp rat, polish the horse's saddle—Ah want ta see mah face shinin' in it by mornin'."
"An' what a belle face it is, chere," Remy whispers. Rogue blushes slightly, realizing her lack of makeup.
Raven looks furious. "It's THREE WORDS Gambit! Don't you DARE stray from the script!" She places her hand on one of the wooden chairs scattered around and it blows up. Remy swallows and nods. He knows she has fewer reservations about using her powers than other mutants.
"As y' wish," he says quietly. Rogue turns and walks off-stage.
"Ya know, Jean would be a whole lot betteh fer this role," Rogue says. "She's stuck-up, snobbish…"
"HEY!"
"Don't deny the truth!" Everyone else, bar Scott, shouts. Said 'Fearless Leader' whimpers.
"Yeah, but why would any of us want to produce a JOTT?" CF asks.
"Good point." Raven coughs and reminds the other three directors with a glare that the drama is still going on onstage.
Rogue drops two large buckets by Remy, who is in the act of chopping wood.
"Swamp rat, fill these with water—" he looks up at her and she is caught in his red-on-black stare. "Please," she adds, before turning and walking away. One of the many uses of makeup is to hide embarrassed blushes, and she's not wearing any makeup.
"As y' wish," he says, staring at her. She turns back to look at him and he manages to look away. Over the microphone, the Professor begins to talk again.
"That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'As you wish,' what he meant was, 'I love you.'"
The scene changes to Rogue standing in the kitchen. Remy comes in and drops a load of firewood. One piece rolls off the stage and hits Evan. Raven and Lightning turn to look at the two other directors.
"Accident?" The dimension-hoppers ask. Scott twitches.
TM and CF look at each other. "Uh…yeah, let's go with that!" Scott twitches again.
Up on stage, Rogue turns away from the camera and closes her eyes in dread, knowing what's coming next and not wanting everyone there to hear it.
"And even more amazing was the day she realized that she truly loved him back." Rogue rolls her eyes as she hears snickering from the audience.
"Swamp rat? Get me tha' pitcher…" she points to something anyone with an arm could reach. Not very subtle, but hey! Whoever said true love was subtle?
Remy comes VERY close to her (a bit closer than he needs to) and hands her the pitcher. They are gazing into each other's eyes.
"As y' wish," Remy says. It's not in the script (so normally it would tick the directors off, but it IS Romy after all), but he adds in a wink that makes Rogue blush.
"Hold it!" TM yells. Lightning pauses the camera for a second. Forge hands the bracelet to Rogue. She puts it on and they quickly move to the next scene.
"Ah can't believe y'all are making me do this!" Rogue growls.
"Oh, come on, cherie, it can't be dat bad." Gambit says grinning. "C'est moi dat y' be kissing after all."
"That's WHY Ah'm so upset!" Rogue snaps.
Raven glares at them. "If you do not start kissing each other passionately in the next two seconds, I'm going to show each one of you the other's dream from last night!"
Rogue and Gambit start kissing very passionately, with their arms around each other and they are both lost in the embrace. They are so happy as they kiss that they almost forget they are surrounded by the entire cast of X-Men Evolution. Two seconds later, they are interrupted as…
The scene switches back to the room. Jamie crosses his arms and glares at the Prof.
"Is this a—" he shudders realistically, "kissing book?"
"Well, true love usually involves kissing—"
"You'd know that how?"
"Eh…good point. Just…shut up and listen, the good parts are coming soon."
"Remy had no money for marriage—" Rogue gives a little yelp at the word 'marriage'.
"I'd jus' steal it," Remy mutters. Raven, angry, use her telekinesis to mentally shove him. He stumbles a bit, but goes back to doing what he's supposed to be doing.
"So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea."
Now the scene shows Remy holding Rogue tightly. Both are perfectly happy—Rogue's just the one trying to hide it.
"It was a very emotional time for Rogue—"
"I don't believe this," Jamie mutters.
"Ah fear Ah'll nevah see ya again," Rogue says, tears coming into her eyes at the thought of him actually dying.
"'Course y' will, chere."
"What if somethang happens ta ya?"
"Hear dis now. I will come f'r y'."
"How can ya be sure?"
Remy smiles at her. "Dis is true love…y' t'ink dis happen every day?" His smile grows wider when Rogue smiles back and throws her arms around him. They kiss, and again, both of them are more than happy with the arrangement.
"Remy didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Sinister, who never left captives alive. When Rogue got the news that Remy was dead—"
"Murdered by pirates is great! Can we introduce Scott and Jean to the pirates?"
"Good idea!" CF says brightly, taking out a notepad and scribbling it down. TM peers over her shoulder. The whole pad is dedicated to 'Creative Ways to Torture Characters'.
"I really don't think we should have got her for this…" Lightning mutters.
"I completely agree…" Raven groans.
"She went into her room, and didn't sleep or eat for days," the Professor continues. The camera shows Rogue's face. She's not crying, but her face is set and sad. So, basically, it's the same face Rogue usually wears, without the makeup.
"Ah will nevah love again".
Enter the POBP. Everyone hurries to the stage, even Kitty, as an Unimportant Townsperson. Rogue is looking down, fiddling with her gloves. Forge comes up and takes the bracelet away, and she looks after it a bit sadly.
Forge shrugs, "It's got to charge…"
"Okay, hurry up!" Raven yells. "Won't get anything done by just standing around!"
The Professor begins again.
"Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Scooterdinck's bride-to-be."
Everyone falls over laughing at Scott's name. Scott's jaw nearly hits the floor. Magneto and Mystique, quietly snickering, are behind him, and Kurt is also laughing next to him.
"In a month, it will be the 500th birthday of this city."
"Scooter knows how to count. Wow." CF cries, laughing.
"I will be choosing a lady as a bride who was once a commoner like yourselves—" he shivers under the angry glare of Jean, and telepathically reminds her that it was the directors who cast him.
"—but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?"
Everyone yells yes. A figure appears behind a curtained place. Everyone looks towards it. Rogue slowly walks out in be-a-UT-iful dress that has Remy trying to scrape his jaw off the ground. She slowly looks around.
"I give you, the Princess Rogue!" Everyone suddenly drops to their knees among several painful yelps. Rogue looks around. She is beautiful (Remy can't take his eyes off her), but she looks sad. She's thinking about what would happen if she'd never met Remy. All three telepaths smirk knowingly. The Professor clears his throat, causing a buzz of static and death glares from all four directors.
"According to the law of the land, Prince Scooterdinck—" everyone snorts, "could choose whichever bride he wanted." The Professor pauses for Dramatic Effect.
"But she did not love him."
"CUT! That's a wrap, people!" Raven calls. She smirks at Lightning as they see Rogue, with a very red face, rush off.
"I can't wait for the next chapter!" CF cheers.
"Why?" TM asks. "Oh. Let me guess. It's got Pyro?"
"Yep!" CF smiles brightly. "And the Cliffs of Insanity!"
"Ya know what, CF?" TM says, patting her on the top of the head. "I think you fell off the edge of those cliffs a very, very long time ago."
"Why thank you. Thank you very much."
Stay tuned for the introduction of our three villains-later-turned-dead-or-hero! Logan working for Pyro! Piotr rhyming! The shrieking eels and the cliffs of INSANITY!
Review threats here:
From CF: Review and also see if you can sign the petition that's been floating around about review responses! WE SHALL FIGHT BACK DANGIT!
From TM: Please review or, or. . . We'll cry. . . and then we'll write more and more nonsense until it drives you all insane like us. :)