Disclaimer: Someday, we will assume control of Marvel. Until then, however, we have to write disclaimers that say we don't own anything.

ANs:

CF: Okay, okay, I admit it. It's my fault it took a while to get this up. Sorry. But hey, it's Jean humiliation, so you won't kill me too badly, right? And please don't throw stale bread or pianos at me because of my AWFUL pun in the title.

TM: It's so scary that Scott considers becoming afraid of synchronized actions as well. But then he decides that one therapist bill is enough. - Actually CF wrote that, but I think it fits. . .

Chapter 5- A Real Nightmare

"Where's Jean?" TM asks, looking totally unconcerned. Actually, she only cares because Jean's one part will be coming up soon and CF plans to catch it on tape.

"I think she's steeling herself for the humility about to come…" Lightning says. "Either that, or Pyro set her hair on fire again."

Jean comes running towards them, her hair smoking. They look at each other while she screams various death threats at them.

"I think both," TM says, blinking. "Yeah, most definitely."

"Okay, it's time to start," Raven snaps suddenly at the rest of the mutants. They remove the POBP and the scene begins.

It's in the Pit of Despair, lit by electric torches because, well, they've got Pyro there. Remy's lying chained on a table. Suddenly, something really frightening enters—

"Oh, ha ha," Pietro says. "Very funny." TM taps Wanda, who holds up a glowing blue fist, and Pietro shuts up.

"Where am I?" Remy says dazedly.

"The Pit of Despair," Pietro whispers. He begins putting some stuff on Remy's fake wounds. Off-scene, Rogue smirks at the fact that Remy's shirtless. Pietro continues. "Don't even think—" he coughs, gasps, gags, wheezes, sputters, hacks, and chokes, and suddenly his voice is regular. "Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick, and don't even think of rescue, because the only ones who know the secret way in are the Prince, the Count, and I."

"Den 'm here till I die?"

"Until they kill you." Pietro smirks, but it's quickly wiped off as he catches the look on Rogue's face.

"Den why bother curin' Remy?"

"The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken."

"Ahh. Torture, den. Remy can cope wit' torture." Pietro shakes his head. "Y' don' believe Remy?"

"You survived the Fire Swamp. You must be very brave, or very stupid, or very lucky, or all three," Pietro pauses. "But nobody withstands The Machine." Remy's eyes glow and the All-Knowing POBP gets another entrance.

"Hey, where's CF?" TM asks Raven and Lightning, looking around. "I thought she didn't want to miss this."

"Ohh, I won't," CF says, appearing out of nowhere with a video camera, grinning evilly as Lightning takes out the POBP after the scene is all set up.

Rogue is walking slowly down a hallway in the castle, Scott and Kurt watching.

"She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp," Scott says. "It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her."

"SUUUUURE," everyone else mutters.

"Of course," Kurt says.

Then, the scene switches to the main square of Florin, and there are tons of people.

"The king died that very night, and before dawn, Rogue and Scooterdinck were married," the Professor reads. On stage, Scott, Mystique, and Kurt are standing on the balcony. "And at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their queen."

CF and TM twitch at the very thought of Scogue. Scott begins to speak.

"My...urgh…father's last words to me were—"

"Hold it, Professor!" Jamie yells, and the camera freezes, Scott looking really idiotic, even more than usual.

"Hold it, yourself, little boy!" Raven growls at him. "You can't call him that."

"What?" Jamie says aggravatingly.

"Professor," Lightning says. "You can't call him professor."

"Oh, for crying out loud! Why not?" Jamie groans.

"Because. . ." TM says.

"He's not your teacher in this movie," drones CF, "he's your grandfather!"

"Now, Stick to the script, or we'll just see how well Forge's torture machine really works." Raven says grinning.

"Raven!" CF and TM both shout at once. Scott starts crying profusely.

"He's just a kid!" Lightning reminds her.

"I hate children," Raven deadpans.

Jamie gulps. "Hold it, Grandfather," he continues, making sure to emphasize that line. "You read that wrong, you idiot! Rogue doesn't marry that idiotic idiot Scooterdinck, she marries Remy, I'm sure of it. Plus, I bet Bobby ten bucks."

"Well, who says you win all the bets in life you make? Now shut up, and let me continue." Scott begins to speak again.

"—love her as I loved her, and there will be joy. I present to you your queen, Queen Rogue!"

Rogue comes out from that door…place…thing. And suddenly, everyone kneels, except for one person…

"BOOO!"

The four directors crack up as Jean is shoved rather forcibly onto the stage, held at flamethrower-point…um, nozzle. Her clothes are rags and her hair is gray. She looks really disgusting. CF hits the record button on her video camera.

If this dye is permanent, I'll KILL you! The telepath screams inside the directors' heads. They all look at each other and say simultaneously,

"Whoops."

Scott yelps and falls off the balcony, but Jean catches him with her TK, and while TM and CF are all up for letting him fall, Raven and Lighting let him be lifted back up via Jean's TK.

"Why do ya do this?" Rogue asks Jean, who is still booing. The Gothic mutant is trying to keep a straight face.

"Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up!"

"But they would've killed Remy if Ah hadn't done it!"

"Your true love lives and you marry another—" Jean whirls to face the crowd, almost tripping over her own feet. (Klutz…) "True love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. That's what she is, the Queen of Refuse! So bow down to her if you want. Bow to the Queen of Slime, Filth, Putrescence—"

"Someone call?" Toad appears behind the directors. CF glares and blasts him with her flamethrower.

"—Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo!"

Everyone is laughing as Jean advances on Rogue. Rogue is actually about to let the telepath try and strangle her (seeing as Jean is without gloves) but Raven shakes her head warningly. Suddenly, with a little help from Pietro and the POBP, Rogue sits up in a bed, eyes fearful. She grabs a robe (to Remy's disappointment), puts it on, and runs. CF stops recording.

"It was ten days until the wedding. The King still lived, but Rogue's nightmares were growing worse."

"Yeah, anything with Jean in it is a nightmare for sure," Bobby shudders.

"See?" Jamie says triumphantly. "I told you she'd never marry that stupid Scooterdinck."

"Yeah, yeah, you're smart, whatever. Shut up." Jamie rolls his eyes and mutters some inaudible death threats as, on stage, Rogue bursts into Scott's office-y…thing. Kurt is standing next to Scott.

"It comes to this: Ah love Remy. Ah always have. Ah know now Ah always will. If ya tell meh Ah must marry ya in ten days, please believe Ah will be dead by morning."

Her words ring sincere…maybe a bit too sincere, as Raven smirks. Scott is stunned.

"I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off." He looks to Kurt. "You returned this Remy to his ship?"

"Ja."

"Then we will simply alert him. But—" everyone winces, "—Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.

"Mah Remy will always come for meh," Rogue says quietly. Scott shrugs.

"I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships. One in each direction. The Dread Pirate Sinister is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Remy wants you, bless you both. If not ... please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?"

"Ah'd rathah kill mahself than marry ya—but, okay, cause it's in the script."

Hurriedly, the scene switches to one in the forest, with many trees with large knots on them. Meanwhile, CF and TM are discussing the tape of Jean's humiliation, and Scott and Kurt appear on-stage.

"Your Princess is really a vinning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable," Kurt says. "Don't kill me, schwester."

"Oh, I know. The people are quite taken with her," Scott says. "It's odd, but when I hired Johnny to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war."

"It's impossible for Scott to be clever," Wolverine mutters. "That's why everything goes wrong." Kurt is searching around for something.

"Stupid secret knot…" He hits a knot on a tree and watches as a secret door opens. "Are you coming down into zhe Pit? Remy's got his strength back. I am starting him on Zhe Machine tonight."

"I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, MY wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped."

"Jean, take notice," Lance mutters.

"Get some rest—if you haven't got your health, you haven't got anyzhing," Kurt says, hurrying down the stairs.

"Yeah, cause he sure as heck ain't got brains," CF mutters.

Count Wagner smiles and hurries down the stairs as the tree slides back perfectly into place.

Yet another scene-switch to a huge…machine…thing. Creatively named 'The Machine'. How original.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Kurt comments as Pietro sticks suction cups all over Remy. "It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered mein deep and script-abiding interest in pain. At present I'm vriting zhe definitive vork on zhe subject. So I vant you to be totally honest vith me on how Zhe Machine makes you feel."

He turns the dial on the huge…machine…thing up to 1. He watches as water flows, turning a wheel, and other huge…machine…thing-like stuff happens. Suddenly, Remy's body goes stiff (he's faking it, don't kill us), and he begins to gasp incoherently, trying to break the chains. Kurt keeps talking.

"As you know, zhe concept of zhe suction pump is centuries old. Vell, really, zhat's all zhis is. Except zhat I've just sucked one year of your life avay. I might vun day go as high as five, but I really don't know vhat zhat vould do to you. So, let's just start vith vhat ve have. Vhat did zhis do to you? Tell me. And remember, zhis is for posterity, so be honest -- how do you feel?"

And finally, tears start to come out of Remy's eyes, thanks to Pietro, an eyedropper, and the fact that Remy's thinking about what would happen if Rogue died. Raven smirks again. Kurt is writing in a notebook.

"Interesting."

"And CUT!"

Scott runs away to his happy place as CF cheers. "Yeah Jean torture!"

"Shhh," TM motions, and CF hurriedly hits the button on her video camera as they watch Rogue go up to Remy as he takes off the plastic chains and cheap but still really creepy suction cups.

"Nice actin' there, Swamp Rat," she says, trying to disguise the fact that she was worried about him.

"It was, wasn' it, chere?" Remy grins, putting an arm around her as they head backstage and CF smirks, popping the tape out of her recorder.

"Blackmail, anyone?"

REVIEW RESPONSES:

Chained2amask-

CF: Never gets old is right! Yeah, women aren't that stupid, but I guess they thought it was funny ((rolls eyes))

TM: Glad you are enjoying our version anyway. Scott torture always makes me smile. :)

Blue-fuzzy-

CF: Yeah…Pyro…((drools))

TM: Another Pyro fan, huh? Guess I'll have to be on my toes. . . Hope you're not a pyromaniac like my dear friend CF here, though. . . lol.

Heartsyhawk-

CF: Rebellious phase, eh? Bribe them with Pixi Stix and I swear, they'll worship you and do illegal work for you forever ;) Homework is why we haven't updated…cause it was my turn to do the chapter. Hehe. Sorry. Thanks!

TM: Yes, yes, rent the movie. This will be twice as funny if you've seen Andre the Giant as Fezzik. . . Sorry this took so long. . . I've had a long hard month. . . And some one FORGOT about it. . . (coughCFcough)

Chica De Los Ojos Café-

CF: Yeah, but if it was Jean, I have a feeling Raven would have been a lot harder on her. LOL. Thanks.

TM: Who are you kidding CF? If it was ANYONE but Rogue, Raven would have been a lot harder on her. Lol. . .

REVIEW THREATS:

CF: Oy! People, review, or I shall be forced to make elaborate death threats while tying you up in duct tape, playing the Song that Never Ends and/or the Barney Theme Song while whacking you repeatedly with a plastic bat and a piece of dead trout.

TM: Not Barney anything but Barney! Or Teletubbies! Or The Wiggles! Or any other show that was made for kids under the age of one! (Runs away screaming!)