Disclaimer: Zombie Chickens (read Oops), Slightly Insane Plot Fairies, and Rabid Evil Pyromaniac Squirrels of DOOM have ran off with the disclaimer that states that neither Cat2Fat900 nor Rogue238 own the X-Men or The Princess Bride.
ANs:
CF: Enjoy and wait to kill us until we finish the story!
TM: Don't kill me! Don't kill me! It's in the script! I swear it's in the script!
Chapter 6 – Talk About Nightmares. . .
Rogue walks into the room and straight to the directors. "Ah've been reading the script and Ah just have ta ask? What the. . ."
"Don't even finish that sentence," TM orders, rolling her eyes.
"All will be revealed," CF says with shifty eyes and a low mysterious voice, "In time."
"Aw, just forget it," Rogue sighs, throwing the script down and going to change. She's really sick of arguing with them. Really, what good does it do to argue with two crazy girls and Raven and Lightning? Not that Raven and Lightning aren't crazy, of course, it's just nobody's got the guts (and the lack of a brain) to tell Raven so.
CF shares an evil grin with Raven and TM pats them both on the head.
"Don't touch me," Raven growls.
"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. . ." TM says lightly.
"How can you forget about that?" Raven groans.
"Some people don't have photographic memories, Raven," Lightning taunts.
Raven starts to respond, but she's cut off by a very loud scream. Jean runs in, screaming. TM, CF, Lightning, and everyone else besides Raven and Scott start laughing.
Jean's once beautiful red hair is now purple. And not a nice purple like Psylocke's.
"What happened to you?" Raven groans.
"Someone," Jean glares at Pyro, "changed my hair dye, I mean, shampoo, with purple hair dye!"
That causes everyone who was laughing before to laugh even harder.
"Jean. . ." Tabby laughs, "dyes her hair!"
Jean groans and goes to try and wash the dye from her hair.
TM leans close to CF and says, "You're right, having Pyro around the set is definitely a lot of fun."
"Told you so!" CF says with a grin.
"Lights!" Raven shouts, interrupting the madness, "Camera! Action!"
The scene opens to Scott's office where he and Evan are having a discussion. Evan is dressed in a rather stupid looking costume. "Daniels!" Scott calls.
"What is it with everyone wearing skirts back then?" TM muses.
Evan comes to the desk, bows to Scott and then kneels down close to him, "Sire."
"As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night," Scott tells him with a nervous look at Jean.
"My spy network has heard no such news," Evan argues.
"Well, what good can your spy network be?" Scott growls.
Raven clears her throat. She and CF time their statement perfectly, "Stick to the script!"
Scott screams and shivers, but nods frantically.
Rogue walks in, "Any word from Remy?"
Scott and Evan turn towards her. "Too soon, my angel. Patience."
"He will come fer me," Rogue says decidedly.
"Of course," Scott answers. Rogue leaves and he turns, once again, to Evan. "She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested."
Evan looks none too eager to hear his assignment, "Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate."
"Form a Brute Squad then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed," Scott says aggravated.
"It won't be easy, sire," Evan complains, leaving.
"Try ruling the world sometime." Scott sighs, turning back to his endless piles of papers. The POBP is placed in front of the camera, amidst a few mutterings from CF—"Ruling the world? Don't even TALK to me about how hard that is!"
The scene is quickly set up and the All Important POBP is removed.
A forest scene opens as a bunch of extras move more extras into a jailor-style cart. These are the thieves of the Thieves Forest; the Brute Squad is rounding them up. Evan is standing on top of the cart, looking like the idiot he is.
Off screen, the Professor's voice is heard, "The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Scooterdinck's orders."
Evan looks at Lance, who is dressed in armor that's probably much too heavy for him. He calls down to Lance, "Is everybody out?"
"Almost. There's a Canadian giving us some trouble," Lance says.
"Well, you give him some trouble! Move!" He orders and the cart begins to move suddenly, causing Evan to fall on his butt and most of the cast to laugh quietly.
Logan, completely drunk, is sitting in front of a hovel in the forest, glaring at a very evil looking Raven who is once again holding her beloved remote to the electric shock device. He holds a bottle of tea that reads Brandy in one hand and the two-fingered sword in the other. "I am waiting for you, Johnny!" He shouts to the air, obviously unaware of Pyro's big death scene. "You told me to go back to the beginning, bub. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved." He takes another drink of the "brandy," but stops as Lance comes into view.
"Ho there," Lance calls. "Who writes this stuff, really now?"
Raven's eyes begin to glow and she mutters something about putting a shock device in Lance's outfit.
Lance gulps, "Uh, sorry. I'll just stick to the script from now on."
"Good idea," TM tells him.
Logan growls, but says, "I do not budge. . . Keep your 'Ho there,' bub." He waves the sword dangerously close to Lance.
Lance gulps again and backs up, "But the Prince gave orders. . ."
"So did Johnny," Logan growls. "When a job goes wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So, it's the beginning, and I'm staying until Johnny comes!"
Lance gestures to someone off screen, "You! Brute! Please don't kill me, it's in the script. Come here!"
Logan says slurred and slowly, "I – am – waiting – for – Johnny!"
Off screen, a voice sounds, "You surely are a meanie."
Logan feels a hand on his back. He compares it to his own hand. His hand is much smaller.
It's Piotr's hand. "Hello," the Russian says.
"It's you."
"True," Piotr says.
Lance, scared out of his mind, decides to take a club to knock Logan out. Unfortunately for him, Piotr saw him. Piotr punches him hard and Lance goes flying off screen. Pietro tries to catch him, but the force is so strong that they both go flying into a wall. "Ouch," Pietro says, pushing the unconscious Lance off of him. Piotr smiles slightly.
"You do not look so good," Piotr tells Logan, who lets out a breath of air in Piotr's face as a protest. "You do not smell so good either."
"Perhaps not," is Logan's response, "I feel fine."
"Yeah?" Colossus asks, letting go of Logan, who immediately pretends to faint.
"Crazy drunk," Lance mutters from where he's lying off-stage.
"The correct term is alcoholic," CF says with a sip of Pepsi.
The POBP is put up again as they rush to an empty alehouse. When the POBP is removed, Logan is sitting at a table as Piotr feeds him some strange looking stew. Logan eyes it warily. "Did Kitty make this?"
"No, Jean did."
Logan groans, but takes a bite.
Off screen, the Professor says, "Piotr and Logan were reunited. And as Piotr nursed his inebriated (1) friend back to health, he told Logan of Johnny's death and the existence of Count Wagner, the two fingered man. Considering Logan's lifelong search, he took the news surprisingly well."
Logan pretends to faint again and falls head first into Jean's stew.
Piotr readies two large tubs. One has steaming hot water in it. The other has freezing cold water. Then he takes Logan and dunks his head in the cold water. Then, after a while, he takes him out and dunks him in the hot water. Then, back into the cold water, and then the hot water again, and so on and so forth.
Off screen, we hear the Professor, "Piotr took great care in reviving Logan."
By this time, Logan is completely sober and has had enough. He pushes Piotr away from him and stands up. "That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Wagner so I can kill him, bub?"
"He is in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men," Piotr tells him.
"How many could you handle?" Logan asks.
"I do not think more than ten," Piotr says, shrugging.
Logan does the math on his fingers and claws. "That leaves twenty for me." The next sentence comes out through gritted teeth as he lies out right, "At my best, I could never defeat that many." Then, he sits down sadly. "I need Johnny to plan. I have no gift for strategy." He looks up. "Who in their right mind would let Pyro plan anything?"
CF clears her throat very loudly.
"I said, who in their right mind. . ." Logan groans.
Raven has had enough and with an evil grin, pushes the button on the remote.
Logan's body convulses as an extreme amount of electricity courses through it. Afterwards, he stumbles a bit before muttering, "I'm okay, I'm okay. . . sticking to the script. . . now."
"Thank you," all four directors say. Scott screams in absolute fear.
"But Johnny is dead," Piotr says.
Both men look very solemn for a bit. Then Logan looks up, "No, not Johnny. . . I need the Man in Black!"
"Vhat?"
"Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Johnny, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day. Let's go. . ."
"Vhere?"
"To find the Man in Black, obviously," Logan claims, halfway to the door.
Piotr looks extremely confused, "But you don't know vhere he is."
"Don't bother me with trifles; after twenty years, at last, my father's soul will be at peace." Logan is wild with passion, "There will be blood tonight!"
The POBP returns and we find ourselves back in Scott's office when it's removed.
He is sharpening a knife. Evan enters and kneels.
"Don't hurt yourself, now," TM laughs.
"What? With the knife or the fact that he's thinking?" Lightning snickers.
Scott stares at the knife. "Rise and report."
"The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate," Evan spouts off automatically.
"Double it," Scott orders. "My Princess must be safe."
"The gate has but one key, and I carry that." Evan shows him the key, which is on a cord around his neck.
Just then, Rogue walks in. Scott immediately goes to her with open arms, "Ah! My dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon."
Rogue looks at him funny, "Every ship but yer four fastest, ya mean."
Now it's Scott turn to stare blankly, although you can't really tell. Glasses and all.
"Every ship but the four ya sent," she insists.
Scott recalls the empty promise, "Yes, yes, of course. Naturally, not those four."
Evan decides to skip out on this argument with a bow and a, "Your Majesties."
Rogue looks very angry. "Ya never sent the ships. Don't bother lyin'. It don't mattah. Remy will come fer me anyway."
"You're a silly girl." Scott says sharply, inwardly cringing at what Rogue would do to him if that statement wasn't in the script.
"Yeah, Ah am a silly girl, fer not havin' seen sooner that ya were nothin' but a coward with a heart fulla fear!" She practically shouts at him.
Scott is near bursting. No one talks to him that way and gets away with it. Except, of course, for everyone he knows. "I – would – not – say – such – things – if – I – were – you."
"Why not? Ya can't hurt me. Remy and Ah are joined by the bonds of love. And ya cannot track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And ya cannot break it. Not with a thousand swords. And when Ah say yah're a coward, that is only because y'all are the slimiest weakling eveh ta crawl the earth!" she screams at him.
Scott, still trying to hold his temper, but failing miserably, yells through gritted teeth, "I – would – not – say – such – things – if – I – were – you." He grabs her by the hair and pulls her along with him. He throws her into her bedroom and locks her in. Then, he runs away. Off-stage, Piotr has a firm hand on Remy's shoulder, repeatedly muttering "It's in the script".
The POBP returns. When it's removed, the scene has changed to the inside of The Pit of Despair and Remy is lying in The Machine. It's off, and Kurt is sitting at his desk, making notes in his book. He looks up at the sound of Scott's angry footsteps.
Scott rushes in and stops near the machine to rage at Remy, "You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will." He whirls around to the dials of the machine.
Kurt shouts, "Not to fifty!"
But it's too late, for Scott has turned the dial up to it's highest setting.
Raven projects an image of Rogue dying into Remy's head, and that causes the look on his face to look very real. It's an intense look of extreme pain. He starts to scream as Raven mentally reassures him that Rogue is perfectly fine and he must scream anyway. The scream grows louder and louder as a miniature microphone is placed in front of him and the volume is turned up louder and louder. It's a scream of death. . .
On the side of the stage, Rogue is crying and eventually has to turn away, for fear that Remy is really hurt.
Outside the castle, Evan and the sixty extras that are serving as the castle guards are quivering in fear at the sound of the scream.
Rogue, locked in her bedroom, hears the sound, but doesn't know what it is. Her arms involuntarily hold her body as she shakes from fear.
Crowds of people, gathered there for the 500th anniversary, hear the noise and look around. Children run to their mothers. Piotr and Logan are trying to make their way through the crowd.
Logan stops and turns to Piotr as the scream starts to fade, "Piotr, Piotr, listen, do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Wagner slaughtered my father. The Man in Black makes it now."
"The Man in Black?" Piotr says, disbelieving.
"His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has cause for Ultimate Suffering?" Logan asks, as if it was a stupid question. He turns back to trying to push his way through the crowd, "Excuse me." He's not having much luck. "Pardon me, it's important." The sound in starting to fade faster and he starts to get frantic. "Piotr, Please!"
Piotr simply yells out, "Everybody, move!"
The crowd quickly parts as they run through. "Thank you, bub." Logan says.
"Cut!" The four directors yell out. Scott screams again.
Rogue runs to Gambit, who is already out of the machine. "Are ya okay?" He wraps his arms around her.
"Don't worry about Remy. He's fine." is his reply.
"Ah wasn't worried, Ah was just…" She thinks for a moment, unable to come up with an excuse. "No, Ah was worried. That scream of yers had me really scared."
Remy smiles. He's winning her over. "Well, a certain telepath," he says with a glare, "showed Remy the most horrifying image he's ever seen."
Raven grins her evilest grin, "I only wished the scene to look realistic."
Rogue looks at Remy and then Raven with confusion written all over her face. "Well, it was certainly realistic, Ah thought he was really in pain."
"Oh, you don't have to worry about that," Forge says.
"Yeah, it's not plugged in," CF states.
"We're saving that for someone we don't like," Raven smirks at Scott, Jean and Evan.
Jean is hiding in a corner and doesn't notice anything around her…nothing but her hideous looking hair… "My hair…my beautiful hair…" she says amongst the sobbing.
"What beautiful hair?" The directors deadpan. Scott runs and hides behind the Professor.
And off we go to plan our next chapter…
(1) Drunken (CFN: The correct term is ALCOHOLIC! TMN: Not for inebriated. Alcoholic means someone who is addicted to alcohol, while inebriated simply means someone who is drunk. Not every person who gets drunk is an alcoholic. :P Logan is, but that's beside the point…CFN: Hehe, whoops.)
REVIEW RESPONSES:
This is where we'd normally reply to reviews, but since that is now illegal. . . We've already reviewed in the new-fashioned way. :P
REVIEW THREATS:
CF: The squirrels are also annoyed about the new changes to FFNET. Do you REALLY want them to test out their new flamethrowers?
TM: My plot fairies are already unhappy about the new review replies thing. . . Don't make them madder by not reviewing. . .