DISCLAIMER: CF and TM wish they owned the X-Men, but alas. . . they do not. Rogue238 does own Raven and Lightning. . . but that's about it.
ANs:
CF: Yep…it was all my fault. ((hangs head in shame))
TM: Here we go round the mulberry bush. . . oh never mind. Sorry it took so long. I'd like to take this time to say. . . It was all her fault! Lol.
Chapter 7- It'll Take A Miracle
Jean has finally stopped mourning her…beautiful…hair. Oh, who are we kidding? Jean has finally stopped sobbing, but the New Recruits are snickering quietly. Even Logan can't quite hide his smile, and the directors gave up on trying a long time ago. They do, however want to continue with the movie, so for once they say nothing.
"Everyone! To your places!" Raven calls authoritatively. "That means you, Pietro. I don't care if your hair is messy. Get to your PLACE!" Her eyes begin to glow scarily. Pietro gulps and zips to just offstage, holding a plastic wheelbarrow.
The scene opens onto a grove of trees near the Pit of Despair. Pietro walks out, wheeling the wheelbarrow, when suddenly Wolverine's sword stops him.
"Where is the Man in Black, bub?" Logan growls. Pietro shakes his head like an idiot, saying nothing. "Ya get there from this grove, yes?" When there is no answer, Logan grins ferally. "Tin Man, jog his memory, if ya will." Piotr smiles imperceptibly and hits Pietro really hard on top of the head. The speed demon crumples to the ground.
"I'm sorry, Logan," Piotr says. "I did not mean to jog him so hard. Logan?"
Wolverine has knelt down, holding out his magic cardboard sword.
"Father, I have failed you for twenty years," he says in a low voice. Remy has to turn away to keep from bursting out in laughter. "Now our misery can end. Somewhere ... somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please. Guide my sword!"
He stands up and begins to walk like a man in a dream. The only thing keeping him going in the right (albeit stumbling) direction is Magneto's power pulling him along by the metal on his bones. His sword sticks into a knot on a tree and he opens his eyes triumphantly—
Nothing happens.
He sighs in despair and collapses against a—THE—knot on the tree. The secret door opens. Piotr looks at him in surprise and they both start down the secret staircase.
The scene switches quickly to Remy lying on the table, supposedly dead by the Machine. Rogue turns her face away to hide her all too evident tears.
"He is dead," Piotr says quietly. Rogue bites her lip, even though she knows it's not real. Wolverine just seems to collapse in on himself, sagging in his standing position.
"It ain't fair," he mutters. Suddenly, Jamie's voice is heard on voice-over.
"Professor, Professor, wait—" Cut to Jamie's room. "—Wait, what did Piotr mean, "He's dead?" I mean he didn't mean dead. Remy's only faking, right?"
"Do you want me to read this or not?" Xavier asks.
"Not," Jamie says, "…but it makes for good JOTT blackmail material, so carry on!" He says quickly after glancing nervously at the four glaring directors. "Who gets Scooterdinck?"
"I don't understand."
"Well, duh, you're a really old, senile bald telepath dude," Jamie mutters, "Who kills Scooterdinck? Is it Logan?"
"He lives," the Professor says.
"You mean he wins? Jeez, Professor, what did you read me this thing for?" Jamie looks really annoyed.
"You know, you're sick, and I think you're taking this story too seriously. We should stop now." He makes as if to wheel himself out the door. Just in case he actually tries to make a break for it, Raven makes Jean hold him there via TK.
"No, I'm okay, I'm okay," Jamie protests. "Sit down, all right?"
"I'm already sitting," says the Professor. "But…anyway! Where were we? Ah yes. The Pit of Despair…"
Back to the scene.
"Well, we Howletts have never taken defeat easily," Logan says. "We Howletts? Since when did I know my parents?"
A cough from TM shuts him up.
"C'mon, Piotr, bring the body."
"The body?" Piotr asks, hoisting up Remy's body easily.
"Do ya have any money?"
"A little, I zhink."
"I hope it's enough ta buy a miracle." They head up the stairs, and the scene switches to an old hut, and Logan knocks on the door. An old voice comes from off-stage, Forge has rigged a microphone that sounds like Bobby's voice, except really, REALLY old.
"GO AWAY!" Logan, not taking no for an answer (like he ever does) pounds again. A small door opens and Bobby appears. CF snorts, spitting her Pepsi back into her can.
"That's disgusting," Roberto says. CF is too busy laughing to care. Bobby looks like the aged version of Magneto. Except a hundred times as old. With white hair.
"And, might I ask, what is wrong with white hair?" Storm asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Nothing," TM says hastily. "It's just…Bobby."
"What do you want?" Bobby snaps, on-stage. Logan is trying really hard to keep from laughing.
"Are you the Miracle Bobby who worked for the king?"
"The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!"
"You can't paper cut ice," Scott begins, but Raven waves a hand and he immediately flies out of sight with a crash and the sound of a cat yowling. Bobby glares at Logan, who keeps pounding.
"Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad!"
"I'm on ze Brute Squad." Bobby eyes Piotr nervously.
"You ARE the Brute Squad." Wolverine clears his throat and interrupts.
"We need a miracle, bub, it's pretty important."
"Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle."
"Woah, bitter much?" Jean mutters from off-stage. Several empty soda cans are thrown at her, courtesy of the directors.
"He's already dead," Logan says bluntly. Bobby looks interested.
"Really? I'll take a look. C'mon in." The two carry Remy in and lay him on a table. Bobby pokes him.
"Real smooth," Jubilee mutters from off-stage.
"I've seen worse," Bobby says. "Just look at that time we tried to kill Jean—"
"THAT WAS YOU?" Jean yells in rage. All the New Recruits blink at her.
"We thought the ice and the sign in Bobby's and Jubilee's handwriting sort of gave it away." Jean mutters something and sulks off.
"Aren't you a telepath?" Lightning asks.
"Well, it IS Jean. . ." Raven trails.
"Can we get back to the play?" CF asks politely.
"Oh yeah, sure," Lightning and Raven say at the same time. Another yowling is heard off stage that sounds an awful lot like Scott.
"We're sort of in a hurry," Logan snarls on stage.
"Don't rush me, sonny—what the heck, he's like 150 years old!—anyway," Bobby gulps at the murderous looks of the directors. "You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?"
"Sixty-five," Logan says.
"Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause." Bobby says.
"This is noble, sir," Logan says. The last word kills him. "His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation."
"Boy, is that inaccurate," Ray says tactlessly. "Because if he marries Rogue, like we all know he will, it's not like they can touch—OW!" Rogue retreats, pulling her glove back on and smiling a touch evilly as she steps over the unconscious Ray. Up on stage, Bobby tries to control his snickers.
"Are you a rotten liar," he says. Logan growls.
"I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years," Logan says.
"Your first story was better," Bobby says. "Where's that bellows? I'll ask him why you want him alive…probably owes you money…"
"OOOH!" Pyro yells excitedly. "Are you gonna make a pretty fire?"
"Shut up and go be dead," Raven snaps at the pyromaniac, who glares back at her and retreats. CF glares at her behind her back.
"He can't talk," Logan says, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. Bobby glares at him.
"Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth." Bobby sticks the end of the bellows in Remy's mouth and pumps, while continuing to talk. "Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do."
"What's that?"
"Go through his clothes and look for loose change."
Roberto shoots him a glare. "That's where my quarter went."
"You can't prove anything!" Bobby yells, then coughs, resuming his role. He leans over Remy. "Hey, you! What's so important, huh? What've you got to live for?" Amazingly, a few hoarse, barely intelligible words come from Remy's mouth.
"True…love…"
"You heard him! True love…what cause is more noble than that?"
"Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated –"
Half the cast stares at him.
"LIAR! LIIIARR!" Jubilee comes rushing out of another room. She also looks older, but not as old as Bobby.
"Get back, witch!" Bobby shouts. He winces. "I am gonna be sooo fried…"
"I'm not a witch, I'm your best friend—er, wife!" Jubilee shouts. "But after what you just said, I'm not sure I even want to be that anymore! Ew, why would I want that anyway?"
"Thanks Jubes," Bobby mutters, a hurt look on his face. "You never had it so good."
"True love. He said true love, my God, Bobby! I mean, I always knew you were stupid, but…"
"Don't say another word, Jubilee!"
"He's afraid!" Jubilee says triumphantly. "Ever since Prince Scooterdinck fired him, his confidence has been shattered! Not like he ever had much anyway," she adds as an afterthought. Bobby backs away.
"You promised me you'd never say that name!"
"What? Scooterdinck? Scooterdinck, Scooterdinck, Scooterdinck!" Bobby claps hands over his ears.
"NOT LISTENING!"
"A hot guy dying—whoops, sorry Rogue, heh—and you don't have the decency to help?"
"NOT LISTENING!" Bobby whirls on Logan and Piotr. "You're NOT HEARING ANYTHING!"
"Says you," Logan mutters. "I have sensitive hearing." He clears his throat. "But this is Rogue's true love! If you heal him, he'll stop Scooterdinck's wedding!"
"Shut it, Jubes," Bobby says to Jubilee, who glares at him. "Wait. Wait, I make him better and Scooterdinck suffers?"
"Humiliations galore—who the heck uses galore, anyway?"
"I don't know, you were the one in WWII," Raven snaps. "Back. To. The. Script."
"Now, that's a noble cause! Torturing Scooter is ALWAYS a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five, I'm on the job!" Jubilee cheers. Quickly, the scene cuts to Bobby holding a piece of chocolate.
"I'm hungry," Evan says randomly. CF grabs Pyro's flamethrower and shoots a flame at him, and they're all amused by his running around with his hair on fire for a few minutes as the scene continues onstage.
"That's a miracle pill?" Logan snorts.
"The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what? An hour?"
Jubilee turns to Bobby.
"Yeah, an hour," Bobby says, watching as Logan and Piotr pick up Remy, heading for the door.
"Thank you for everything," Logan says. "Jubilee, don't hurt him too much."
"Okay," Jubilee calls. "See ya, boys!"
"Have fun storming the castle!" Bobby shouts, waving.
"Think it'll work?"
"It would take a miracle."
"And…cut!" TM yells. Remy sits up from where Logan unceremoniously dumped him back stage, cracking his neck.
"Was it necessary t' drop m' dat hard?" He complains.
"Yes," Logan says, thoroughly enjoying himself. "Yes, it was."
"Oh come on, Swamp Rat," Rogue says mischievously, glad he's not pretending to be dead anymore. "Can't take a little pain?"
Remy stares at her in shock. "Is dat a challenge, River Rat?"
Rogue has an evil glint in her eye, "Yup."
Jubilee looks at Bobby, "So THAT'S where Raven gets that evil look. . ."
By this time, Rogue and Remy are fighting and a betting pool has been started.
Bobby just shrugs at Jubilee. "Hey, Jamie! Let me in on that!"
Raven rolls her eyes at the other directors. "How childish. . ." she mutters, indicating the betting pool. She raises an eyebrow at a returning CF.
"What?" CF asks. "I bet on Rogue."
"Good idea," TM laughs.
"I'm surrounded by idiots. . ." Raven groans.
REVIEW THREATS:
CF: Review or else the squirrels will find you. Through secret mind-seeking waves, which cannot be blocked by tinfoil hats!
TM: Review now or the Plot Fairies will join up with CF's squirrels in an effort to take over the world and track down all those who don't review and hurt them endlessly. . .