DISCLAIMER: The disclaimer saying we don't own X-Men or The Princess Bride has been ruined with purple hair dye…and not a nice purple like Psylocke's hair, either. An evil purple, born from combining lovely purple dye with Jean's hair.
ANs:
CF: Of course, the geckos could be conspiring to pretend to be killed, when in reality they go down into the sewers a la the Morlocks, and create a giant gecko robot that will then—((looks around)) Oh, you mean this isn't Conspiracy Theories 101?
TM: I hear people trust advertising icons. . . but really who in their right mind would let a gecko baby-sit their children? I've seen geckos. . . they're small and easy to kill.
Chapter 8- The Nightmares Return
CF sits in her chair, sipping her Pepsi and counting the money she made by betting on Rogue, when suddenly, Evan runs by covered in squirrels. "AHHHHHH! Get them off me! Get them off me!" he screams.
TM, Raven and Lightning walk up about then. "What did he do this time?" TM asks CF.
CF shrugs, "He was born."
The other directors look at each other and shrug. "Good reason," Lightning says sitting down.
Raven grins at the sight until she catches sight of Forge in his costume. "Forge, how's that speech device coming along?" She goes over to him, followed by CF and TM.
Rogue walks in angrily. "Ah ain't gonna do it!" she yells, dropping the script at Lightning's feet.
"Yes you are," all four directors say.
Scott screams in terror and runs to hide behind the Professor, "Save me!"
"I'm not your father, you know," Charles Xavier says, highly annoyed.
"But. . . but. . . my father is dead," Scott whines.
"Is he?" the Professor says mysteriously.
"Ah ain't!" Rogue yells above the other voices.
"Rogue," Lightning groans. "It's just a play."
"It's the most disgustin' thin' in the world!" she shouts.
"Gee, thanks, Rogue," Scott deadpans.
"We agree," CF assures her, "but it's in the script."
"Great," Scott whines, "is everyone against me?"
"I'm not," Jean of the purple hair says softly.
"No, Scott," TM says gently, "Not everyone. . . we are, but not everyone. We all have saved that honor for Evan."
"Can we start the play now?" Lightning whines.
"No!" the other three directors say.
Scott whimpers.
"But. . ." Lightning whines.
"Patience, my dear," Raven says patronizingly.
"He is rather impatient, isn't he?" TM says.
"Tell me about it," Raven groans.
"Please!" he whines again.
"Okay, fine!" Raven says, giving in. "Forge's speech impediment device seems to be working, so. . ."
"Lights!" CF calls out.
"Camera!" TM says.
"Action!" Lightning says happily.
Logan and Piotr carry Remy's limp body to the top of the outer wall of the castle. They set Remy's body down roughly.
"Ouch," he whines.
"Gambit, you're supposed to be dead," TM whines.
"But dat hurt!"
"Just get back to the script," Raven groans.
Remy goes back to pretending to be dead. Piotr looks over the castle wall, where sixty extras guard the door. "Logan, zhere are more zhan thirty," he says.
"What's the difference?" He points at Remy's "dead" body. "We've got him," he takes out the pill. "Help me here. We'll have to force feed him." At which point, Remy glares at the directors.
When they glare back, he goes back to being dead.
"Has it been fifteen minutes?" Piotr asks.
"We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour and we must strike in the hustle and bustle beforehand." Logan loves a good fight and he can sense one coming up, even if it is in the script.
During this, Piotr has managed to get Remy into a sitting position.
Logan orders, "tilt his head back. Open his mouth." All of which Piotr complies with no complaint.
"How long do ve have to vait to know if zhe miracle vorks?" Piotr asks.
Logan plops the rather large chocolate covered monstrosity in Remy's mouth. Remy nearly chokes, but manages to control himself.
"Your guess is as good as mine," Logan answers Piotr.
"Remy beat y' both apart, Remy'll beat y' both together," he says suddenly.
"Guess not very long," Piotr says, in shock.
Logan has also acted rather surprised.
"Why won't Remy's arms move?" he asks.
"You have been mostly dead all day," Piotr replies.
"We had Miracle Bobby make a pill to bring ya back," Logan explains.
"Who are y'?" Remy asks. "Are we enemies? Why is Remy on dis wall? Where's Rogue?"
"Let me explain," Logan says, then he stops. "No, there's too much. Let me sum up. Rogue is marrying Scooterdinck in little less than half an hour, bub. So, all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, and make our escape after I kill Count Wagner."
"Dat doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying," Remy says, watching his finger. It twitches.
"You have just viggled your finger," Piotr exclaims. "That's vonderful."
"Remy's always been a quick healer," he claims, then turning to Logan, asks, "what are our liabilities?"
"There is but one working castle gate," Logan answers and he and Piotr lift Remy just enough so he can see it. "And it is guarded by. . . sixty men."
"And our assets?" Remy asks.
"Your brains, Piotr's strength, my steel," Logan says confidently.
Remy looks stunned. "Dat's it? Impossible. If Remy had a month to plan, maybe he could come up with somet'ing. But dis. . ." he shakes his head from side to side.
"Your just shook your head," Piotr says, trying to cheer him up. "Doesn't that make you happy?"
"Remy's brains, his steel, and y'r strength, against sixty men, and y' t'ink a little head jiggle is supposed t' make Remy happy? Remy mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, dat would be somet'ing."
"Where did we put that wheelbarrow Pietro had?" Logan asks Piotr.
"Over Pietro, I zhink," is the answer.
"Well, why didn't y' list dat among our assets in de first place? What Remy wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak," he states.
"There we can't help ya, bub," Logan says.
"Vill zhis do?" Piotr says, pulling one out from under his shirt. It's a very large black cloak that is highly flame retardant.
"Where did you get that?" Logan asks, bewildered.
"At Miracle Bobby's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it."
"Took me a while to find that off Ebay, too," Bobby mutters, but is quickly shushed by the rest of the cast.
"All right. All right. Help Remy up," Remy says, which they do. "Now, Remy'll need a sword eventually."
"Why?" Logan asks, "You can't even lift one."
"True, but dat's hardly common knowledge, is it?" Remy's head falls limply forward. Piotr lifts it back up. "T'ank you. Now, dere may be problems once we're inside."
"I'll say," Logan begins. "how do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?"
"Do not pester him," Piotr snaps. "He has had a hard day."
"Right, right, sorry, bub," Logan says.
They travel along the wall for a while before Piotr says, "Logan?"
"What?"
"I hope ve vin."
The All Important Piece of Black Paper is placed over the lens.
"This is ridiculous," Raven moans.
"It wasn't that bad. . ." Lightning sticks up for the three actors.
"I was talking about the next scene. . ." Raven groans. All four directors shiver. The All Important POBP is removed and the camera reveals Rogue and Scott alone in a bedroom. Rogue is dressed in a beautiful wedding dress and is acting perfectly calm, though, on the inside she is sending death glares at the directors.
Scott fastens a pearl necklace around her neck. "You don't seem excited, my little muffin," he manages, ignoring the angry look in Jean's eyes.
"Should Ah be?" Rogue growls.
"Brides often are, I'm told," he states.
"Ah do not marry tonight," Rogue says firmly. "My Remy will save me."
The POBP returns and is removed when Remy, Logan and Piotr are looking down at Evan and the sixty extras. Logan and Piotr shake hands. Remy manages to rock his arm back and forth enough to catapult it onto the top of the other's hands.
And then the POBP returns. Everyone rushes to the chapel of the palace set, where Forge is standing in a rather impressive looking clergyman outfit, with a rather tall and ridiculous hat. Most of the cast is laughing at him. He just rolls his eyes, refusing to speak until he has too. The POBP is removed and the scene starts.
Scott and Rogue are kneeling in front of Forge. Mystique and Magneto sit behind them, and Kurt sits in the back. Forge clears his throat and makes sure the speech impediment device is on. Then, he begins to speak. "Mawidge," he says, and then pauses. "Mawidge is what bwings us togewer today."
"You've got to be kidding me," laughs Bobby.
The four directors turn and glare at him.
"What?" he laughs again. "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!"
"Amara," Raven says meaningfully.
"With pleasure," she says grinning and shoots a wave of lava at Bobby's butt.
"Ow! Hot, hot, hot, hot!" he bounces around until he finds a bucket of water and sits in it. Steam comes from the bucket. "Ahhh!" He then proceeds to cool the temperature of the water until he butt stops hurting.
"Now," CF groans, "can we continue?"
"Please do," TM says. "Forge."
"Mawidge, the bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffim a dweam. . ." Forge continues, very slowly.
From off stage, a loud commotion is heard and then Evan speaks into the microphone. "Stand your ground, men. Stand your ground."
The POBP returns as we head back to the other set, where Evan and the sixty extras are pointing and running around frantically. The POBP is removed and Evan yells once again, "Stand your ground."
A giant seems to be floating towards them, wearing a strange dark cloak and speaking with a voice that could crumble walls. "I AM ZHE DREAD PIRATE SINISTER!" The giant says, who is actually Piotr, wearing and the holocaust cloak and standing on the wheelbarrow as Logan, with Remy draped across his shoulders, pushes it. "ZHERE VILL BE NO SURVIVORS!"
"Now?" Logan asks Remy.
"Not yet," Remy answers.
Piotr continues, "MY MEN ARE HERE, AND I AM HERE, BUT SOON YOU VILL NOT BE HERE!"
Evan tries to order the extras around, but they are too frightened. Like they'd listen to Evan anyway.
"Now?" Logan asks again.
"Light him," Remy says.
And Logan sets Piotr's holocaust cloak on fire. The extras are frozen in fear as Piotr continues to float towards them and shouts, "ZHE DREAD PIRATE SINISTER TAKES NO SURVIVORS! ALL YOUR VORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE!"
The scene changes back to the chapel, where Forge is enjoying his part, "And wuv, twoo wuv, wiw fowwow you fowever."
Scott can hear the commotion going on outdoors. He nods at Kurt, who leaves with several guards.
Back outside, Piotr is covered in flames, much to the delight of Pyro and CF. He shouts out, "ZHE DREAD PIRATE SINISTER IS HERE FOR YOUR SOULS!"
That is too much for the extras. They scream and run off in a panic. Evan shouts out, "Stay where you are! I said, stay where you are!"
Back in the chapel, Forge's ridiculous speech continues. "So, tweasuwe your vruv. . ."
Scott interrupts him. "Skip to the end."
Forge, with a slight laugh, asks, "Have you the wing?"
Scott pulls out the ring. Rogue looks over at him triumphantly, "Here comes my Remy now."
Back outside, the extras are gone. Piotr takes off the cloak and jumps down from the wheelbarrow. Evan closes the portcullis.
"Piotr, de portcullis," Remy orders.
Piotr turns to metal under his clothes and grabs the portcullis. He lifts it back up, much to Evan's dismay.
Back in the chapel, Scott shoves the ring on Rogue's gloved finger. "Your Remy is dead," he announces. Rogue just smiles and shakes her head. "I killed him myself."
Without missing a beat, Rogue replies, "Then why is there fear behind yer eyes?"
Scott does indeed look frightened, although it's a common sight around the set by now.
Back outside, Evan is pressed against the gate. Logan, carrying Remy, and Piotr come closer.
"Give us de gate key," Remy orders.
"I have no gate key," Evan lies.
"Piotr," Logan grins, "tear his arms off."
Piotr takes a step forward.
"Oh, you mean this gate key," the coward Evan says, pulling it out.
Back in the chapel, Forge is continuing the ceremony. "And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup…"
Scott interrupts again, "Man and wife, say man and wife!"
"Man and wife," Forge says, rather confused.
Scott whirls around and practically throws Rogue at Mystique and Magneto. "Escort the bride to the Honeymoon Suite. I'll be there shortly." Rogue shudders at the very thought. Jean is turning redder than her hair used to be. Scott points to the script and shrugs, before leaving the set in a hurry.
Rogue stands there dazed, "He didn't come."
The POBP returns and is removed as Kurt and four guards head down a hallway. They stop suddenly at an intersection of corridors, as they see Remy, Logan, and Piotr coming towards them. Technically, Piotr is dragging Remy, who is dragging Evan's cardboard sword.
Kurt, with an odd look on his blue furry face, says, "Kill ze dark vun, and ze giant, but leave ze zird for questioning."
And as his Warriors attack, Logan goes wild, and maybe the warriors are good, maybe they're even better than that, but they never get a chance to show it because this is something now, this is Logan gone mad and the two-fingered sword has never flashed faster and the fourth warrior is dead before the first one has even hit the floor. There is a pause. Then, Logan says, softly, remembering that Raven is still holding the button to the electric shock device in his costume, "Hello, my name is Logan Howlett. You killed my father, prepare to die."
Kurt stands there for a moment, then he does something unexpected. He turns and runs away like mad. (This is also what's known as pulling a 'Spyke Trick', running away like a coward.)
Logan stands there for a second, then takes after him. Remy and Piotr look at each other.
Kurt runs through a doorway and closes a big solid oak door and locks it. Logan reaches it and bangs on it. "Piotr, I need you! Wait, why can't I just use my claws?"
"Because we said so!" The directors yell, causing Scott to scream in terror.
"And because I'm holding this little remote," Raven says grinning.
"I think that remote is giving you too much power," Lightning groans.
"Oh you do, do you?" Raven claims, her eyes glowing, as she sends her boyfriend through a brick wall.
"I'm okay. . ." he says as he stands up, wobbly.
TM rolls her eyes at Raven. "We don't have time for you two to start fighting. We've got a play to put on."
Raven glares, but settles down.
Logan groans, and redoes his line. "Piotr, I need you!"
Piotr calls back, "I cannot leave him alone!"
Logan is desperately pounding on the door, "He's getting away from me, Piotr! Please, Piotr!"
Piotr looks at Remy and props him against a large suit of armor, "I vill be right back." He takes off towards Logan's voice.
Logan is still pounding against the door as Piotr walks up. He gestures for Logan to stop, turns his hand to metal and pounds the door once. It collapses.
"Thank you, bub," Logan says.
Logan takes off through the door, and Piotr heads back to Remy.
The POBP returns as we head to a different hallway. It's removed to find Mystique leading Rogue and Magneto. Rogue is holding onto Magneto's arm.
"Strange wedding," Magneto says.
"Yes, a very strange wedding. Come along," Mystique replies.
"Wait!" CF calls out. She hurries to the stage to give Rogue her power inhibitor. "Okay, continue!"
Rogue stops Magneto and kisses his forehead.
"What was that for?" the megalomaniac asks.
Rogue gags on the next words, but manages to say them. "Because. . . ya've. . . always been so. . . kind ta me. And Ah won't be seeing y'all again since Ah'm killin' myself once we get ta the Honeymoon Suite."
Magneto is pretending to be deaf, "Won't that be nice?" Though he doesn't really need to be deaf to say something that rude. He turns to Mystique. "She kissed me," he says with a laugh.
"And cut!" CF calls out, taking Rogue's power inhibitor away.
"Glad that's over," Raven groans.
"It wasn't that bad," Lightning lies.
"Do you want to go through that wall again?" Raven asks.
"Maybe I do," Lightning laughs.
Raven glares at him. "You're doing this just to annoy me."
"So what if I am?" he asks.
TM looks at CF, "It's best to ignore them when they get like this."
"I kinda figured that out myself," CF agrees, sipping her Pepsi.
Evan runs by, followed by a bunch of squirrels. "Not again!"
TM looks at CF. CF looks at TM. They both start laughing.
And we will leave it there.
REVIEW THREATS:
CF: Do you really want to end up like Evan? No, I didn't think so. Please review!
TM: But it wouldn't be just squirrels. . . it would be fairies that shoot sparks out of their wands at you. . . So, um, you had better review. Oi, to end up like Evan. . . it's a fate worse than death. . .