Something In the Air
Act III
Steelbeak was a man who enjoyed his work. Even if he was "just" an agent, he was almost at the top of the FOWL ladder; no one got results like him. The fact that he rarely effectively maintained those results was counterbalanced by the fact that they were still the best results FOWL got. His name was known and feared; he had power, clout, and lovely ladies. People bent to his every whim. One of these days he knew he'd ascend to the top brass in FOWL High Command, and then- hoo boy, the world better look out!
He continued to enjoy his work as the manicure he'd been getting switched to the other hand. "Gently there, Natasha, we don't want any ragged corners," he advised the sweet young thing who was tending to his hands. Boy, ever since FOWL started using female Eggmen, his life had just gotten better and better. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes as Electra, standing behind him, massaged his temples.
Footsteps entered the room. He decided not to look up, and spoke without even opening his eyes. "What."
One of his Eggmen replied, "Look who we found snoopin' around outside!"
Hey, there was only one person who was important enough to be brought in to Steelbeak personally: Darkwing Duck, the world's most annoying living target. He grinned in triumph, and stood, savouring the moment. "Well, well, well," he said, not yet looking in their direction. This was going to be so sweet. "I knew, in time, you'd slip up. And I always knew we'd be the ones to catch you in the end. I've waited a long time for this, and I can promise you that your death will be long, painful, and definitely a lot of fun. For me, anyway." Pacing back and forth, he gave a staccato laugh and waited for Darkwing's usual good-versus-evil baloney. Hearing nothing, he asked mockingly, "No quick comebacks this time? Awww, I'm gonna miss 'em after you're pushin' up daisies! But it doesn't really matter, 'cause the end outcome is the same." Here was the climax. He raised his voice. "You've breathed your last, Darkwing Duck!" he cried, taking a dramatic step back and pointing at the prisoner his Eggmen held securely, who, as it turned out, could have been Darkwing Duck if and only if Darkwing was a woman with long brown hair, glasses, and absolutely no sign of anything "heroic" whatsoever.
Steelbeak cursed, stomping his foot in frustration. "Well, why didn't ya tell me it wasn't him?!" he demanded of his Eggmen. They looked at each other and shrugged. Infuriated, Steelbeak again looked over the woman they'd brought in to him. She looked pretty scared; guess he couldn't blame her for that. He grew annoyed again as he thought about that great speech, wasted. Well, whoever this chick was, she wouldn't be around for long. "Eh, I guess what I said still stands. 'Cept it doesn't have to be long and painful." He sniffed lightly; had something crawled in here and died?
The woman paled. "Oh, please don't kill me! I wasn't snooping, honest I wasn't, I was just hiding from somebody and I was even about to leave! I didn't see anything until these big men brought me in here, and I won't say anything to anyone!! Please, don't-"
He cut her off. "Look, kiddo, nothin' personal. Maybe you weren't lookin' around, but you've been here now an' there's nothin' I can do about it. Bon voyage!" He waved to her, hoping that the Eggmen would pick up on his signal to get her out of the room and dispose of her. She shouldn't even have been brought in here in the first place, especially since chances were she was right and she hadn't seen anything out of the ordinary. He almost felt sorry for her. But for some reason, the Eggmen weren't picking up on his cues at all and instead were looking at each other worriedly. They seemed hesitant to dispose of the lady.
He began to consider letting her live. Maybe as a hostage or something. "Say, kid, what's yer name?" he asked, examining her again. She was kind of pretty, in a plain way.
"Beth W-" she began, and cut herself off. Too many villains knew her name by this time already. And she was pretty sure that this was Steelbeak, the FOWL agent Drake had mentioned on the way over. She'd never seen him, but how many bad guys with evil henchmen had beaks made out of metal? There was no way she wanted an entire evil spy organization to come and look her up any time soon. "Just Beth."
Steelbeak nodded slowly, and took a deep breath of air. Something smelled nice... He realized, slowly, that it was her. This Beth kid. Something deep within him melted at the sight of those big blue eyes, pleading with him for her life... He recoiled. She was not his type, that was for sure! Then again, maybe the type he'd always avoided was the one type to make him happy forever? "Beth," he said, quietly.
"Please let me go," she whimpered, pathetically.
The girls who had been doting on Steelbeak all gave little derisive snorts. Electra giggled mockingly. Steelbeak found himself getting angry. "All right, you're dismissed!" he snapped at them, waving them away. "Get outta here! Boys, tie 'er up!"
The Eggmen looked as surprised as they could beneath their helmets, then nodded and nearly ran each other over trying to procure rope and tie Beth up against a wall.
Beth herself looked quite stunned. "But I thought-"
"Nah," Steelbeak shook his head. "Actually, you might be worth something to- to FOWL." He caught himself before he blurted out his own interest. "Ransom or somethin'," he mumbled, trailing off.
Too surprised to fight as the Eggmen tied her arms to the metal pipes adorning the walls of the basement, Beth simply blinked. They were being much gentler than she'd expect a terrorist spy organization to be. And Steelbeak was acting almost the same way Drake had been earlier! This just must be her day or something. She should have checked her horoscope that morning.
Steelbeak had moved back to his chair, and was standing facing away from her. She cleared her throat. "Um... excuse me, but, where am I?" Not much chance he'd answer that, but then again, Beth seemed to remember Darkwing saying that villains liked to explain everything.
He turned back to her, and gave her a surprisingly warm smile. "You probably guessed," he said. "We're with FOWL, and we're in the process of takin' over the world." He laughed, the same strange staccato laugh she'd heard him make before. "Ya like the hideout? I expect better than just a dingy basement, so we made a few modifications here an' there. There's a sauna in the back." He winked. "An' this little baby," he continued, picking up a bizarre-looking gemstone, "is the key to our success!"
It was no stone Beth recognized, that was for certain. Amber in colour, it was cut much like a multi-facetted diamond. And it glowed, evidently under its own power, so it appeared to be radioactive. Did Steelbeak realize that? It didn't seem that he did, as he was holding it in his bare hand with no protection evident. But, the radioactivity was doubtless part of their plan. No matter what it was, it was obviously what Darkwing had been sent to retrieve. If only he were here... But he could be anywhere by now!
Steelbeak tossed the stone into the air and caught it again, then set it down. "'Course, I got no idea how it works. But heck, if High Command asked for it, they get to play with it!" Again the laugh. He was so caught up in her- in fact, they all were- that they forgot their order to keep an eye out for SHUSH and Darkwing Duck.
This forgetfulness would prove costly.
"I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!" boomed the familiar introduction. Steelbeak gave a rather incoherent yell of frustration just as Beth silently thanked whatever forces were looking out for her.
"You can't have her!" Steelbeak cried, looking about for the source of his ire.
When the requisite puff of smoke appeared in the middle of the room, he pointed emphatically and ordered, "Open fire, Eggmen!" They obeyed.
Beth held her breath, praying that the smoke had been a diversionary tactic. She let it out in relief when Darkwing swooped down from above and knocked over two of the present Eggmen. He set down on the ground across the room from Beth, and began running towards her determinedly. For a heartbeat, it felt as if he and she were the only two people in the world. Unfortunately, Steelbeak quickly shattered that illusion, as he stepped in front of the devoted superhero, brandishing a gun of his own.
"I said, she's mine," he growled. Darkwing's brow darkened in a glare.
"Over my dead body," he returned.
Steelbeak cackled. "That's the idea, ya moron." He tightened his aim, but was stopped before he could pull the trigger as Darkwing leapt and kicked the gun out from his hands.
Beth watched, fearing that her heart was going to stop from all the excitement. Darkwing shot her a longing look as Steelbeak began to grapple with him. Her breath caught- guns or no guns, this was terrifying! She desperately wanted Darkwing to rescue her, and now... More than anything she just wanted to be out of here!
She jumped when a hand touched hers from behind. "Who-?" she gasped, turning to find Launchpad holding a finger to his bill.
"Shhh. It's me. I'll getcha out of here," he whispered, doing his best to untie her quickly. For a mechanic, he was surprisingly fumble-fingered at the task, but he managed in an admirable amount of time. Before Beth could even thank him, he grabbed her hand and pulled her down a hallway just past the exit tunnel.
"Should we really leave Darkwing behind?" she wondered as they ran.
Launchpad nodded. "Well, you should! I'm gonna go back and help, and you can wait for us here," he said, and slowed down. "I figured the important part was gettin' you out of-"
He was cut off as Beth threw herself into his arms. "Oh, Launchpad, I'm so glad you rescued me!" she cried, suddenly close to tears.
Surprised, he put his arms around her and held her comfortingly. "You okay?" he asked, worried. "They didn't hurt ya, did they?"
She shook her head, breathing quickly. He could still smell that strange perfume on her, so oddly appealing somehow. "No," she said. "They were very gentlemanly, actually, not at all how I'd expect a terrorist organization to act. But it was so scary! Steelbeak was saying he was going to kill me at first, and they captured me even though I didn't do anything, I wasn't even expecting to meet them, I mean, I was just standing there minding my own business-"
"Beth!" Darkwing ran in, unintentionally interrupting. At the sight of Beth in Launchpad's arms, he skidded to a halt. Beth, surprised, pulled away from Launchpad so quickly that she nearly pushed him off-balance. Darkwing shot Launchpad a brief glare, then turned his attention to Beth as he rushed to her and scooped her up in a hug. "Are you okay? I was going to save you, but Steelbeak wouldn't get out of my way, and... Well..."
"Yes, I'm fine. Launchpad saved me-" Beth began.
Darkwing surprised them both by turning to his sidekick with an acidic glare. "I had it under control, Launchpad," he said icily, then turned back to Beth, leaving Launchpad blinking with astonishment. "It's all my fault! I didn't even know you were here, but when we stumbled onto the hideout here by accident I saw you and I just- I got scared!" He pulled back and looked into her eyes. "Beth, I... I never realized it until now, but..."
A cough from Launchpad brought their attention away from one another. Weakly, he managed, "I, uh... don't wanna... interrupt or nothin', but... shouldn't we, y'know, get outta here?" Beth heard an edge to his voice that she hadn't expected- anger? Jealousy?- before she thought about his words and realized they were true. The yells down the corridor were undoubtedly Eggmen, and she was sure she could hear Steelbeak among them.
Darkwing took her hand, and the three of them ran from the building to the Ratcatcher.
On the way, she thought of the moment they'd nearly shared just then, but couldn't bring herself to resent Launchpad for ending it. It had been lovely, just like in the movies, an impossibly beautiful romantic moment... but it hadn't seemed very Drake-like. Something, she was now sure, was wrong- or at the very least, not right...
"Do you have any threes?"
"Go fish."
Maintaining what dignity she could, Gosalyn drew a card from the fish pile, bringing her grand total of cards to twenty-four.
Across from her, Honker examined the two cards he had left in his hand, considered, and finally asked, "Any sixes?" Gosalyn grudgingly handed him the card she had just drawn, plus the other two she'd been holding onto.
As Honker put his four cards down, she sighed. "How do you keep guessing what cards I draw??"
"Well," Honker began, drawing a breath, "it's really a simple matter of keeping track of which cards you didn't have at the beginning of the game, according to the ones I asked for, and then assuming the probability of -"
Gosalyn cut him off. "Skip it, Honk. You win anyway."
"But I still have one card left-"
"Here," she said, handing him all the cards she'd been holding. "It's gotta be in here somewhere."
The chairs spun around, blowing the cards that covered the floor into disarray. When they stopped, Beth and Drake were sitting in one chair while Launchpad, looking less than happy, occupied the other.
Beth stood up immediately and stretched, then stifled a yawn as she collapsed onto the couch. "I'm so tired! What a day!" she said, covering her face with her hands.
"Can I get you anything?" Drake asked, kneeling beside her.
"Oh no, I'm okay, really," she answered with a smile.
Drake took her hand. "Please let me get you something! Anything!!"
Pausing, Beth considered, looking a little nervous. "I... I guess I'd like a Koo-Koo Cola, since the one I had earlier got spilled..."
"Great! Be right back!" he said, jumping up and running to the kitchen. Launchpad watched him go, and then, almost as an afterthought, followed him.
Gosalyn shook her head. "Dad's acting a lot weirder than usual."
"You noticed, too?" Beth asked, a touch of relief evident in her voice. "I thought maybe it was just me." I'd sort of HOPED it was just me, she added silently. "It's been a really strange day. I got kidnapped by FOWL."
Gosalyn sprang to her side instantly. "REALLY?? What was it like? Did you get tied to a big buzzsaw, and then Dad had to come in and untie you but somehow stop Steelbeak at the same time?"
Beth blinked. "Not... quite. Steelbeak didn't even try to kill me, actually. Drake said that wasn't normal for him... It seems like everyone I've been around has been acting weird today."
Inside the kitchen, Launchpad stood behind Drake as he crushed the ice for Beth's drink. After building his nerve, he finally cleared his throat nervously. "Um, DW..."
"Uh-huh?" Drake answered, distractedly.
Launchpad wasn't sure if he should go on, but he decided to stick with it. "Well, I... I was kinda wondering if maybe you could tell me, y'know, what's goin' on between you an' Beth?"
Humming, Drake went to the refrigerator and pulled out the bottle of Koo-Koo Cola as he answered. "Well, it's funny, LP, but today I finally realized what I should have been seeing about Beth all along! I always thought I just sort of tolerated her, but lately I've been seeing her as more and more of a good friend, and then today, well... I looked at her and it all just clicked!"
Launchpad scratched his head. "It... clicked?"
Beaming, Drake said, "I'm crazy about her! I've never met a woman who makes me feel the way she does! I don't know why, but all of a sudden I just know I can't live without her!" He sighed, oblivious to his friend's mournful disposition. "She's an incredible woman, you know."
"Yeah... I know," Launchpad said quietly.
Drake seemed to snap out of his dreamlike haze and finally noticed Launchpad's demeanour. "Oh... hey. I'm sorry, Launchpad, I kinda... forgot about how you felt." He suddenly felt very awkward. "I didn't mean for this to happen, buddy... You know I wouldn't do that to you, right? It's just... well, it's like I said, it just clicked today. I- I don't know what to..."
Launchpad smiled. "Hey, as long as you aren't gonna hurt her or anythin'. I mean, you're the one she loved all along. I'm not gonna stand in the way of that. Just... y'know... be good to her."
Drake slapped him on the shoulder. "You'll find someone, don't worry," he said, as comfortingly as he could manage. "You deserve it."
Launchpad didn't say what he was thinking: that he didn't want to find anyone other than Beth, that he had always been so sure that he and Beth were meant to be together, that if he couldn't be with Beth he didn't want to be with anyone. Knowing that it would only make Drake feel worse, he didn't say any of that. Instead he just nodded and gave Drake a thumbs-up.
A few minutes prior to this, back in the living room, Beth finished telling Gosalyn and Honker about her unwanted adventure earlier. Gosalyn seemed disappointed at the anti-climactic ending. "Do I sound egotistical when I say that all these men have seemed to have an interest in me, though, Gosalyn?" Beth asked.
Gosalyn shrugged. "I dunno. I mean, I might say yes, except that Dad is definitely acting weird. Maybe you've got a love spell on you."
Beth snorted. "I hardly think there's magic involved, Gosalyn."
Not one to be put down, Gosalyn replied, "Hey, you've met Morgana, so you know magic is real!"
Both were surprised when Honker suddenly spoke up. "Um, well, you know- without labeling magic as the culprit, pheromones are a very influential determinant in interpersonal relationships." Gosalyn looked confused, but Beth considered this.
"Do you mean it might be the perfume?" she asked.
Honker looked away from her gaze. "Well, um... it was just a suggestion."
Beth thought for another moment. "Come to think of it... Every time a man has, you know, noticed me that way, they've noticed the perfume first."
"How can you not notice the perfume?" Gosalyn muttered. "But hey, what about me? I can smell it too."
"Pheromones are generally gender-reactant," Honker answered. "You can smell it, but it doesn't have the same impact on you."
Amazed, Beth shook her head. "This is all way too weird. Wait, though- Honker, you're standing right here, and you're not affected."
Gosalyn answered for him. "He's got allergies. It's hayfever season."
Nodding, Beth said, "Well, that's consistent with our theory. But we'd better test this more before we jump to any conclusions."
"I'm allergic to, perfume, too," Honker added, and gave a stuffed-up sniffle. "So I probably couldn't smell it anyway."
"Really?" Beth said, just as Drake emerged from the kitchen. "Hey, so am I! But I haven't had any problems with this stuff!"
Drake handed her the glass of soda he'd gotten for her. "So are you what?" he asked fondly.
"Allergic to perfume. Thanks," she said as she took a sip. Then she handed the glass back to him. "I have to go, Drake, I really need to take a shower." She gave him a sheepish grin and indicated her foul-smelling shirt.
"We have a shower you can use," Drake replied.
Faltering, Beth cleared her throat. "Oh... well, I really should get home though. I haven't been home at all today, and my mother usually calls on Wednesdays. I'll come back later, though." She couldn't help smiling at his disappointed expression; whether this pheromone theory was right or not, she still felt the same about him. And he was so cute!
He sighed. "Okay... But you have to come back later." She nodded as she stood up, and he leaned over and gave her a small kiss on the bill. It left her lightheaded, and she nearly fell over before catching his arm to steady herself.
Embarrassed, she laughed nervously and made her way to the door, stopping to signal for Honker and Gosalyn to follow her after she got outside. Drake waved to her before she shut the door, then blew a kiss; she returned it, her heart beating wildly.
"Uh, hey Dad, Honker and I are going to his place," Gosalyn spoke up as soon as the door was closed. Drake nodded dreamily, in the haze that was normally reserved exclusively for meetings with Morgana. She looked to Honker, and they both shrugged, then left.
Outside, Beth was waiting for them by the mailbox. "Oh, good, you came," she said with a half-smile on her face. Gosalyn could nearly see the little hearts spinning around her head. "So, uh, I guess we should figure out some way to test this theory. Traditional experimentation requires a control group to go with the experimental groups, but we don't really have that luxury, now do we?"
"So what are we gonna do?" Gosalyn asked.
Beth shrugged. "Try and find a bunch of guys and see what happens?"
"We can look for Tank," said Honker. "He was in the room with you earlier, and he smelled the perfume. We can see what his reaction is."
Tank was sitting on his doorstep, watching them, as it turned out. When they started up the walk of the house, he rose and approached them, slowing down as he got closer. Finally he shyly approached while looking intently at the ground. Something was clutched behind his back. Beth worried that it might be firearms or something equally dangerous, and jumped as he produced a quite harmless bouquet of posies. "For you," he said quietly to Beth's feet.
"Uh..." She wasn't sure how to react to this. "Thank you, Tank!" she said uncertainly. Then she recognized the flowers. "Aren't these from my yard??"
He grinned at her. "Well, everyone knows you've got the best garden in the neighbourhood!"
"Thanks," Beth said, rolling her eyes. Gosalyn found all this immensely funny, and made no attempt to hide it. This led Tank to threaten violence, at which point Gosalyn threatened back, and it was only Beth's intervention that kept an after-school brawl from breaking out. "Gee Tank, I... I would have expected you to be inside studying, since..." She couldn't think of a plausible reason, and so she gave a mental shrug and blatantly lied. "Uh, you've always seemed like... like the intellectual type! Yeah! And you know, I ... uh... I find learned men really attractive," she said on impulse.
Tank turned a deep red, and excused himself to do his homework. Gosalyn went into fresh peals of laughter.
Finally, Beth shushed her. "Well, that's another event in favour of our theory. Now, do either of you know a man who can't smell?"
Still laughing, Gosalyn managed, "No, but I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith..."
Honker cleared his throat. "Um, well, my Dad has a cold... I guess you could talk to him."
"Great!" said Beth, becoming more confident as the evidence piled up in support of this hypothesis. It was a wonderful little experiment, in its way, and she was enjoying herself in a way she hadn't had a chance to since she'd finished school. She rang the doorbell, and it was soon answered by a tired-looking Herb Muddlefoot.
"Hey, Bethie, how ya doin'?" he greeted her. "Don't get too close, I'm still kinda contagious."
She gave a sympathetic smile. "Oh, that's too bad, Herb. Head cold? Are you all good and stuffed up?" She leaned towards him. Honker found himself becoming increasingly uncomfortable with this experiment.
Herb on the other hand took no notice of any odd behaviour. "Nothin' good about it!" he said, and chuckled hoarsely. "Can't even smell the wife's cookin'! Say, you got somethin' in your eye?"
Blushing lightly, Beth stopped winking at him and cleared her throat. Honker was staring at her, wide-eyed, and even Gosalyn looked surprised by her behaviour. "Uh, yeah, it's gone now though. Well, thanks, Herb!" She gave him a little wave and headed off.
"Uh... any time, I guess," said Herb, and shut the door.
Beth walked down the sidewalk to her own house, slightly ahead of the two children following her. Could she really trust these limited results? As she walked, she thought back over the day: Steelbeak's advances, the Eggmen's strange fawning, the abrupt marriage proposal on the street and the ensuing fight over her while she'd been hiding. It was practically staring her in the face, now that she thought about it.
A couple passed on her left, and the man sniffed the air and then turned to stare at Beth as she went by. Gosalyn and Honker watched as the man, grinning stupidly, proceeded to walk into a mailbox while watching Beth. His better half picked him up worriedly, and then, noticing where his gaze was directed, yelled "Steven, you sleaze!" and pushed him over again.
There was little room left for argument.