Author: Uchiha Yumi
Title: BI ? What?
Genre: Humour
Summary: Even acculturated noblemen, sometimes, don't understand… Renji x Byakuya, lightly Shonen Ai, Humour
Rating: K+
Parings: Byakuya x Renji
Main Characters: Kuchiki Byakuya, Abarai Renji
Special thanks: A special thank to Lilya-chan and FunnyNeko, for reading and correcting all of my nasty stuff.
Disclaimer: Ieeeh! Kuchiki-taichou is so lucky! He owns both me and Renji! winks Too bad I don't have enough money to bribe him into having a threesome with me and his lover…
Notes: English is not my native tongue. Please tell me about my mistakes!
Happy Birthday to you…Happy Birthday to you…Happy birthday to AUNTIE, Happy Birthday to you! (glomps and hugs)
See? I made it in the end! I hoped I was able to do more, but laziness and exams prevented me from doing it. Oh well, I'll make up for this.
In any case, for those who are waiting for my other updates (All you need is LOVE, request…) – they'll arrive eventually.
I promise it! Most probably after Feb 13th, though. Blame it on the damn anthropology exam.
I'm thinking about a sequel – what do you think? Please, let me know!
That's all for you, auntie!
BI…what?
Abarai Renji was a complex boy.
Starting from his red, bright hair and his absurd tattoos running down his entire body and ending with his terrible clothes, everything in him screamed oddness and outlandishness.
Hence, it was obvious how such an outstanding man was doomed to have everyone's eyes on him – whether he wanted it or not. And since he did want, having Abarai Renji serving as a fukutaichou in your division turned out to be a breathtaking experience hovering between the sensation of your contacts suddenly running dry in your eyes in a windy day and the impression of strolling around in your swimsuit during a formal gathering.
Consequently, as stubborn and determined to figure him out as Kuchiki-taichou might be, there would always be something he couldn't fully understand. Something just seemingly normal but so incredibly strange at a further analysis.
The questions causing his inner and composed self to shudder and cogitate were numerous.
Why did Renji wear that cloth around his head – how was it called again? – even when he wasn't training and, therefore, wasn't needing something to keep that bothersome secretion – the word "sweat" simply wasn't becoming – away from his eyes? Why did he choose such a meaningless pattern to cover his body with?
Every new day the sun brought revealed a small but impenetrable trait of his peculiar fukutaichou.
This time, in particular, Kuchiki Byakuya's delicate mental balance was threatened by two simple letters: B-I.
Bi, if he was to put them together.
Since the time Abarai Renji had enrolled in the Sixth Division, he had various occasions to hear and learn a great range of nicknames more or less politely referred to his fukutaichou, such as "dumb chimp" (it didn't matter how much he had tried to explain Zabimaru's display form was a Papio cynochephalus – or a "damn baboon" as Renji himself had yelled multiple times), "asshole", "stupid red-head" (his hair was actually magenta and not red, but the boy didn't seem to be aware of it), "pervert" and, in a couple of times, even complex locutions, for instance "obnoxious son of a damn bitch" (Rukia could be so original when it came to define a person, couldn't she?)
However, even in so many years, Kuchiki-taichou had never – ever – heard such a thing as what Hisagi-fukutaichou and Madarame-san had pronounced – in between giggles – while coming back from the monthly gathering of Vice-Captains and Third Seats.
They had called Renji a "greedy BI bastard".
Straining his well-educated mind to empathise with the Rukongai mentality, he had somewhat managed to grasp the concept of "greedy" and "bastard", but what about BI?
What could "BI" mean?
Was it something referring to the reunion? Highly unlikely, since the two were chuckling and there probably wasn't anything funny in the meeting's topic – how to reinforce Soul Society's defences.
So, most probably, that obscure expression had been used to describe something that had happened among them, in what could be called a "friendly environment". But what?
Analyzing the grammatical position of the mysterious word, all he had gathered was that it had to be an adjective (or, at least, the contracted form of it) – and that meant it was a quality referring to Renji.
Bilingual, maybe. But Abarai-fukutaichou could barely speak his native tongue.
Rejected.
Bibliophile? Impossible, Renji's only book was a por-let's say a collection of pictures of naked couples engaged in sexual activities.
Rejected as well.
It could stand for bicentenary. Too bad he wasn't that old, yet.
Nothing, he was back to the starting point. The only way to quickly solve his problem would be to simply ask him – in the end, if they had said he was "BI", Renji must have known he was…well, "BI", right? However, that wasn't as easy as it looked. He had an image to protect – Kuchiki Byakuya always knew everything about everything and didn't need to ask anyone about anything.
But still, he couldn't understand what "BI" meant – no matter how hard he struggled.
That's why, after a week of profound reflection and almost a bottle of herbal drops used to try and sooth his aching head, he decided it wasn't unbecoming to ask for something and, in a sunny and calm afternoon of April, he gathered his courage and talked to his Vice-Captain.
They were in their office and the silence reigned in the room.
"Renji…"
"Hai, Taichou?" the boy looked up at him, the brush lifted midair as he stopped signing his paperwork.
"I have a question for you…" he went on, trying not to make his impatience seep through.
"Sure…" Abarai-fukutaichou blinked "…what is it?"
In that precise moment Kuchiki Byakuya would have sold his soul to the devil to remember at least one of the flawless and complicated speeches he had prepared to expose his doubt, but – oh, irony – the only thing he could do was try to put into a meaningful sentence the words "BI" and "what" that were now wriggling into his head.
"….what does … "BI" mean?"
Renji's face was priceless. He gaped and his eyes widened as a faint blush tinged his cheeks.
"…beg you pardon?"
He was starting to have the impression of having asked something utterly inconvenient.
But he was a nobleman – it was too late to draw back.
"I asked… 'What does "BI" mean?'"
The red-haired boy cleared his throat a couple of times and started nervously toying with the brush he was holding. Bad sign – bad, bad sign.
"Well…" he coughed a little, nervously "…Bi…is when…ya know, Taichou…you like both boys and girls…" he paused for a moment "As in…bisexual, ya know…"
Gasp.
Gasp, horror, major shock and heart attack.
Did that mean that his fukutaichou…? Holy Heavens. Oh gawd.
Air – he needed fresh air. And his drops. His beloved soothing drops.
Kuchiki Byakuya was now staring at Renji's face with his mouth hanging open.
The poor boy was blushing beyond words "A-are you okay, Taichou…?"
Of course he was not.
Suddenly all the times when Renji had came into his private chambers saying he was "chasing a death butterfly", or "casually" bumped against his back or touched his arm during the formal reunions started to make sense.
That also explained why Hisagi-fukutaichou, that time, went on saying something along the lines of "Poor boy – such an unreachable goal he set"
He himself was the aforementioned "unreachable goal".
Strangely enough, however, once the first moment of total shock faded away, he didn't feel sad, or angry or disgusted.
What he felt was more like…enthrallment. Such a curious boy had fallen in love with him and was too shy to confess it right away. Appealing indeed – it could be the occasion to understand those tiny little things that his noble mind couldn't quite catch.
And he didn't want to miss the chance.
"Yes, I am, Renji – I also wanted to ask if you'd mind having a dinner at my estate…tonight?"
As Kuchiki-taichou watched the red-head's eyes lighten and his lips quiver in emotion, he found himself stifling a little smile.
He couldn't help but think that maybe Renji wasn't that impenetrable.
At least, not physically.
But it was his duty to find out, wasn't it?
Owari?