Clay, my Disclaimer, says that Danny Phantom and FullMetal Alchemist don't belong to me. Between you and me, I think she's lying. ;)

Okay, so this took, like FOREVER to write up, because my parents got this new thing where they don't let me use my laptop during the week, and on weekdays, barely at all. This would've been done a lot sooner if they hadn't done that, so send your letters of complaint to them, mmkay?

Also, I don't think I was super clear before, but this technically takes place in the manga, after chapter 68, I think it was. I can supply a link to the pages if need be. And I also kinda sorta really stole part of the ideas from the anime, because I said so.

This is super-long for me. And weird. Not really as funny as the prologue thing, but still fun as hell to write, except for the ending, cuz it sucks, and I don't feel like changing it. Or reading over this. So please blame all excuses on pigeons. Did that make any sense? Probably not.

REVIEW OR CLAY WILL PAINT YOUR FACE PINK!!!

There is nothing at all, nothing surrounding you, just a plane of awful zilch that is everywhere and everything. But wait – there's something over there. In an instant, it is before you. You jump in surprise. What on Earth…?

Ahead of you is a huge clay tablet, strange words lovingly etched into its surface. There is an obvious seam in the middle, as if it could open up.

"So you're the new Homunculus?"

A voice, youthful but wise, startles you. You twirl around, to come face to face with an exact replica of what you had just been facing, the gate-like doorway standing as peacefully as ever. Confused, you spin around a few times before confirming that A) you are crazy or B) there are two doors. However, that still leaves the matter of that voice.

"I don't know why I bother starting with that line every single time one of you people come here. I try and think of something witty and clever, but every time I do, I figure it would be a rather inappropriate way to start this conversation."

You whirl around again, this time coming opposite a young man. You guess him to be about fifteen, maybe sixteen. He has carefully messy black hair, like it was meant to be like that, and long white bangs. His eyes are a very, very pale ice, glowing with intensity. There are strange blue markings on his skin where it's not covered by a multitude of strange dark clothes that look like they were outdated centuries ago. You warily step back.

"Tell me," the boy says evenly, "what year is it?"

"Uhh, 992, last time I checked," you say cautiously.

"Huh," he says, rubbing one of his shoulders and wincing slightly. "Nearly one thousand years. Time's almost up."

"Eh?"

"Never mind," the boy airily dismisses your unspoken question. "The real question is what you're doing here. I already know, of course, but I think you might like to know too, correct?" He doesn't even wait for your reply, but continues on. "Yes… But how to go about it? I'm not very good with words," he chuckles ruefully. "That's part of what got me into this in the first place. Maybe I could…? Hmm, yes, that'll do just fine. I'll probably get in trouble with the higher –ups, but there's not enough time left to file a full report, so what could they do? …Yes, this could definitely work."

"Um, what?" you say eloquently, stepping forward, trying to figure out what is going on.

The teen turns his gaze to you and blinks bemusedly. "You are a mind," he tells you.

"…Mmkay… That doesn't really tell me much, but thanks for the effort," you say sarcastically.

The teen grins, a surprisingly large grin on his skinny face. You didn't think anyone could smile like that. But it doesn't really seem like he's actually happy, just that it's a habit. "You're right. And we can't have that, now, can we? Nope. I still have to do my job for when idiots like you try anything."

"Idiot?" you say, mildly affronted. He continues on regardless.

"I tell you, every single time I start to get comfortable and think no one else is coming, BAM! I get a fool like you. Ah well. It's too late to stop you anyway." His grin has faded, replaced by a look of grave intensity. He turns to you sharply, and you move back again. "I need you to answer this question as truthfully as you possibly can," he says lowly and seriously.

You can't tear your eyes away from his. "I-I'll do my best," you offer weakly.

"Do you… like muffins?"

"…WTF? Did you just say what I think you said?"

The young man gives a curt nod.

"Ehhh… sure."

You are suddenly eating a muffin, held in your right hand. You taste blueberries. You finish the muffin, lick your fingers, and say, "I'm allergic to blueberries."

The boy shrugs. "Sucks to be you, then."

"Your concern is heartening. Can you tell me what is going on now?"

"Why not. By the way, my name's--" he pauses, almost uncertain. "—Danny. My name's Danny."

"You said that twice."

"It was just so that an idiot like you wouldn't forget."

You scowl. "I have a name."

"Good for you. I don't care." Danny carelessly brushes non-existent dirt from his strange outfit. "Better get started, then." He walks to the one of the doorways and flings it open.

You gasp, stagger backwards.

"Calm down, kid. I have permission to show you this way." A huge eye stares relentlessly down at you; you can't breathe. Something's wrong. That eye… it needs to stop. You have to breathe. It has to stop. Stop. Stop! STOP! STOP! STOP!

The Gate closes. You collapse on the white floor, breathing again, sucking in great gasps of air.

Danny rolls his eyes. "Pathetic," you think you hear him mutter. He holds a black backpack in his gloved hands. It has a strange white symbol on it, somewhere between a D and a P.

"Get up," he commands. You stay down, holding a hand to your heart, reassuring yourself with its steady (if fast) pace. Danny frowns disapprovingly. "Fine." He tosses his sack at your feet. "Read that. It'll help."

He disappears without a trace.

You stay absolutely still for a few more minutes, then get up, pulling the bag with you. You look for a place to sit, and find a comfortable looking red couch. You drape yourself over it, glancing left and right at the two Gates.

Nothing pops out to threaten you, so you settle back, starting to relax, and start to unzip the bag.

There is a blindingly brilliant burst of brightness before you can finish. You try saying that five times fast. It sounds something like this:

"Blindingly brilliant burst of brightness. Brindingly brilliant brurst of brightness. Brindgingly brilliant brurse of brightness. Briningly billiant brurse of blightness. Biningy billant brurse of blightness… Goddammit!"

Right… you suck.

So anyways, as the tongue twister of a flash fades away, you slowly open your eyes, to find yourself floating in some sort of lab. Calm down, you're not in a test tube or nothing, just kinda levitating over the ground. You can't see yourself.

…

Holy CRAP, where did you go?!?

You oh-so-calmly (read: whilst gibbering like an idiot and panicking in multiple ways) flap your arms around, trying to shock yourself back into visibility. It doesn't work.

"Okay… this isn't cool…" you mutter, and find yourself slowly turning upside-down. "GodDAMMIT!!!"

As you are trying to right yourself, you look around the lab a bit more. It seems really outdated; oh God, is that a screwdriver? The last time you had seen one was in a museum of the ancient world you'd gone to when you were, like, eight. Yeah… Good times, good times.

"Smile!" a cheery voice says, and you jump about a foot. Unfortunately, you are upside-down and floating, so you basically just rammed your head into the ground. Heh. Loser.

"Okay, I showed you the portal. Can we get outta here now, my parents could be back here any minute," another voice says, sounding slightly disoriented, as if it had just been subject to a blindingly brilliant burst of brightness. "Besides, they say it doesn't work anyway."

Hheeeeeey, it's Danny. You attempt to whirl around – you sure do like your dramatic 'whirling around scenes,' don't you? – and chew him out for doing… whatever this is to you. But you find yourself stuck in place, unmoving. Upside-down. With blood rushing to your head. And invisible.

Ohhh, this is fun, isn't it?

"C'mon, Danny, a Ghost Zone? Aren't you curious? You gotta check it out," the first voice says.

Danny sighs. What is HE sighing about? He's not the one that's upturned in an obsolete lab, with no idea what is going on, and a view you only just realized you have under one of the many silver counters that line the room. There's a slice of mushroom pizza under there. It seems to be supporting its own life forms.

"You know what? You're right," Danny affirms. "Who knows what kind of awesome, super cool things exist on the other side of that Portal?"

Pain, maybe? You hope there's pain. And torture. Waiting there just for him.

There's a strange zipping sound. You warily watch the pizza slice. It inches towards you.

"Hang on," the first voice says disapprovingly. "You can't go walking around with that on your chest."

What? What on his chest? A vicious, blood-sucking monster? No, you have a feeling that should stay on him. It might kill him. Speaking of blood, your vision seems to be turning red. Might have something to do with all of it rushing into your – okay, did that pizza just wink at you?

There is no sound for a few moments, and then a familiar voice starts screaming his lungs out. What a pleasant sound.

Your vision of the pizza slice slowly fades away (thank GOD), and you find yourself once more before the Gates. There is a photo album in your hands that you definitely don't remember taking out of the bag. It is turned open to a page with a few pictures of Danny pasted on. Wait… No, yeah, that's definitely Danny. Seems a lot younger, though, with no white streaks, and darker eyes, and different clothes. Huh… Opposite that photo is one of a white haired lad in spandex. Mind out of the gutter, perv.

"Strange…" you mutter to yourself, and turn the page.

BZZZOING!!!

Now, you might ask what the sound of 'bzzzoing' is. It is the sound of a blindingly brilliant burst of brightness.

You find yourself floating once again, this time in front of a huge monster made of…

Meat. Well, that's super gross.

The boy in spandex seems to be punching it. Jesus, is this how people used to get their food? Hunting giant monsters made of beef, pork, mutton, chicken, lamb, ham, veal, and venison?

"Beef, pork, mutton, chicken, lamb, ham, veal, and venison… beef, pork, mutton, chicken, lamb, ham, veal, and venison… beef, pork, mutton, chicken, lamb, ham, veal, and venison… beef, pork, mutton, chicken, lamb, ham, veal, and venison… beef, pork, mutton, chicken, lamb, ham, veal, and venison… beef, pork, mitten, chucken, lamp, vam, veal, and venison… GODDAMMIT!!! So close!"

You scowl, but watch the fight anyway.

It's over quickly, but another one starts just as fast, and another, and another. Random scenes pass you by in seconds when it seems they should take a bit longer than that. There's fight after fight, secret after secret, painful scene after painful scene. Almost like the roll of a camera.

"Get me out of here!" you finally yell, when you feel you can't take it anymore.

You're back out on your red couch, about twenty photo albums stacked up, one on top of the other, next to you, a few CD and home-made DVD cases laying strewn about you, and an ancient-looking camera in your hands. The last few seconds of video show smiling Danny Phantom transforming into smiling Danny Fenton. The screen goes blank, and you snap it shut. You blink.

"BAAAAATHROOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!!!!!!" you scream. A door appears before you, and you quickly yank it open and lock it behind you.

There is complete silence outside the door for several hours.

Then you come out, shaking toilet paper from your leg.

"Goddamn blueberries," you mutter.

"So you really are allergic to blueberries, huh?"

"HOLY-! Oh. It's you." You scowl at Danny. He's draped casually over the couch, a book in his hands from the backpack. He smiles at you endearingly, and you scowl some more.

"If you keep doing that, your face will get stuck like that," he notes with some amusement. You glare.

"What do you want?" you snap, arms crossed.

Danny grins at you. You blink.

"SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screams, diving at you. You leap back.

Danny stands where you previously were, cracking up. "That line never, ever gets old," he says cheerfully. "Not in a thousand years!"

"Yeah, yeah, hilarious," you mumble, still shaking on the ground. You pull yourself up, dusting off your super-sleek clothes. Danny waits patiently.

"So I see you almost finished Part One," he says, gesturing at his old backpack. "A long time ago, after I went in the Ghost Portal, my friend Sam--" he breaks off, wincing, as though the name hurts him. "—er… one of my friends suggested keeping a sort of multi-media collage of my life. It has all the pictures and clips of myself I could find, from I first walked into the Portal till the day I left that world for the first time."

"Why are you telling me this?" Danny ignores you.

"I don't actually have anything written or recorded or photographed about that day; just a couple things about my family looking for me. But I do have something better." He's suddenly right up in your face, your foreheads almost touching. You stop breathing.

"This," he whispers, "is really the only way." And he brushes his forehead against yours.

You inhale sharply, stepping back. But it's too late for that.

BZZZOING!!!

You black out.

DPFMA

Danny Fenton slept at his desk, an unnaturally peaceful look on his face. He was then unaware of what was about to happen to him in a few minutes; in fact, the only thing he was really concerned with at that time was whether to bother waking up or just ignore the urgent pencils being thrown at him by Sam.

After all, the desk might not have been a pillow, but it definitely was better than no sleep at all. He hadn't slept in two full days.

"Ahem."

There had been an outbreak of ghosts last week; very strange ghosts, in his opinion. Some of them looked like regular humans, except for their unnatural glow. Of course, there were just as many half-creature things walking around as the human ghosts. But that wasn't the strangest part. Some of them seemed… almost familiar. And they all seemed amazed by any and all technology.

And they also… talked about alchemy.

"Ahem."

Danny wasn't sure why, but every time any of them said that word, he felt like someone was pounding on the door in the back of his head.

There had been a 'door' inside his brain for over a year now. Ever since the Accident, there had been an important part of his brain locked off. He couldn't get it open. He was positive there was important information in there, about… well, about everything. Life. The Universe. Everything. Jazz said it probably had something to do with being half-ghost, like, it had to do with all his powers, and how he could exist like that. Half-dead. Not a very pretty way to think about it, but it was true.

"Mr. Fenton."

Of course, Jazz also said that it was related to him repressing his memories of the Accident. Pshah. So he couldn't exactly remember everything about it. Or anything, for that matter. That didn't mean he was 'repressing' anything. Honestly.

"Mr. Fenton!"

Jesus… He was exhausted.

SLAM!!!

"Hwuzh?!" Danny jumped near out of his skin as Mr. Lancer slammed his hardcover copy of some comic book down on the desk.

The class snickered.

"Mr. Fenton," the overweight teacher said coolly, "I would appreciate it if you didn't fall asleep in my class!"

"S-sorry," Danny stuttered an apology, but his teacher had already turned away, and was walking back to the front of the classroom.

"As I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted by Mr. Fenton's snoring," the teacher intoned dully as the class sniggered and Danny blushed furiously, "we will be studying different types of literature from all over the world during the next six weeks."

The class groaned in unison, laughter momentarily forgotten.

"Now, one of the most popular forms of literature in Japan that has quickly spread to all corners of the globe is a type of comic book called 'manga.' It is generally…"

Danny tuned him out, instead concentrating on magically calling forth a monster to eat his teacher and prevent the lesson from going on any further. Unfortunately, that didn't quite work.

However, it did bring something of a monster into the world, and Danny's ghost sense went off.

"Grrr…" he growled, preparing himself for yet another wasteful battle with one of those alchemy ghosts.

"Mr. Lancer?" he interrupted, his hand in the air. He glanced toward his best friends Sam and Tucker, who both nodded near-imperceptibly. They all understood it was a ghost. None of them understood it would be the last time they really saw each other.

"…Yes?" Mr. Lancer said, as though it pained him to acknowledge Danny's presence twice in the same class for the wrong reasons.

"I need to use the bathroom," Danny lied guiltlessly.

Lancer exhaled. "Go ahead."

"Thanks."

Danny walked down the aisle, stepping on the toes that tried to trip him without even bothering to look back at them. He slowly opened the door, and let it bang shut.

And then he was running, running down the hallway, running into the boy's bathroom, and transforming into his other self.

Danny Phantom phased through wall after wall, classroom after classroom, in an attempt to find the ghost before it caused any damage. His breath showed up blue again, and he smirked, following the telltale trail his breath made right to the ghost.

It was in the boiler room that he found her. She was tall, busty, and beautiful. She wore a rather revealing black dress, and when she turned around, a forebodingly familiar blood-red tattoo was easily visible above her breasts. She smiled with red eyes and fangs, the only solid things on her transparent body.

Danny's breath caught in his throat. She beckoned to him with a crooked finger, and the world around him faded to solid white nothing.

The door in the back of his head was not only being pounded on, it was now being frantically splintered into pieces. The lies he had automatically fabricated to cover up what had happened during the Accident—lies he had told to his friends, family, and himself—were rapidly starting to dissolve, and drain away what he knew was Truth.

"You're a Homunculus," he said weakly, surprising himself with the word.

The woman nodded in affirmation, smiling slyly. "So you do remember something."

"What's going on?" Danny asked, choosing to ignore the increasingly dreading feeling welling up in the pit of his stomach.

"Nothing much," the woman replied.

A huge Gate suddenly burst from the ground behind her, exploding open to reveal a huge, ever-watching eye. Danny gasped as long, stretchy arms whipped out to him, wrapping tightly around his arm. He cried out in pain as more bound him up. He hysterically struggled to free himself.

The woman smiled maternally at the poor boy. "Don't struggle," she warned. "That'll only make it worse." She walked calmly up to the thrashing teen. "I know it's hard, but you need to do this. The Fate of Everything hinges on you." Danny screamed. "Hush, dear boy. I know. Getting your memories back hurts. But you need them if you are to do anything." She smiled encouragingly.

"What's going on?!?" Danny screamed, feeling tears fill his eyes for no reason he was prepared to acknowledge.

The Homunculus smiled. "You'll find out soon enough. But be careful. You may be connected strongly with the boy, but that doesn't mean he has allies that won't hesitate to destroy you. Please. Be careful."

"Wait! Wait!" The black arms started to drag him even farther into the Gate. That Eye…! "Wait! LUST!!!" he yelled, suddenly recalling her name from memories that weren't his. "LUST! HELP!"

The doors closed on Danny, leaving him with the after-image of Lust's smiling face.

There was total darkness for about six seconds.

Then there was everything.

Danny inhaled sharply as he took in all that was surrounding him. It was Alchemy…! Everywhere! Everything about Alchemy he could ever wish to know!

He stayed there forever and barely any time at all; all too soon, he was hurtling through the Gate, and out into the light of a whole new world.

He stayed down for a while, dazed at what he had just been privilege to witness. There were sounds and movement around him. He became more aware of them as time went on.

It had been nearly an hour before he fully woke up. He blinked blankly at the ceiling before sitting up.

"Hey, he's up," someone said. Danny turned toward the sound, and came face-to-face with three people.

A blonde woman with a harsh look in her eyes glanced casually at him as if she couldn't care any less about him, though he felt she was excited and eager in his soul.

A man in armor stared at him with a mixture of surprise and meekness.

And last, a boy with golden hair and eyes watched him like an eagle.

Danny stared back at them all impassively, as he was still trying to get the hang of his new senses. But inside he was turmoil.

"So," the blond boy drawled, "I see the lead weight is awake." He snorted. "Welcome to the world of the living, kid."