Chapter 22: Gut feeling

Two weeks later basically nothing had changed: Luke was still in an artificial coma, Sara was still in the hospital, William was still trying to be strong, Laila was more than whiny, and Lorelai was trying to cope, but kept falling apart every now and then.
Against William's wish, Rory had moved back in at Lorelai's to take care of the kids while Lorelai spent nearly all day and night at the hospital, sitting on Luke's bed or trying to get Sara to speak.
The girl still hadn't said a single word and now even the doctors, who had said before it was only the shock, started to worry.
They had asked Lorelai to meet them in the office to talk some things through and although Lorelai knew she had to go, she felt like she didn't have the strength to decide on anything or listen to more bad news.

"Mrs. Danes we are worried about the fact that you haven't gotten your daughter to speak until now." the doctor started.
"What does that mean ' I haven't gotten her to speak'? I spend day and night here at the hospital, but that doesn't change the fact that she was in a terrible car crash and saw her bleeding and injured father."
"We know that, sorry, maybe I put it wrong. What I wanted to say is that we talked about your case and we all agreed that your daughter needs professional help."
"Which means?" Lorelai asked, still a bit aggressive.
" We advise you to consult a psychologist."
"My daughter is not crazy, she does not need this."
"This is not about being crazy or not, but a professional might be able to help get through to your daughter, to make her talk about what happened and to deal with it." Another doctor explained.
"I am her mother and I love her more than my own life and I have tried anything and everything to get her to speak and to make her feel better. I am sure that my daughter loves me also. Maybe not as much as she loves my husband, because she is a daddy's girl, but I am sure she loves me. I am not Joan Crawford, I love my kids and I play with them and sing to them and read to them before they go to sleep at night. Well, not so much during the last year, because I was busy with my Inn and I neglected them, but Luke was there and he was amazing. I changed during the last month though and I tried to make it up to them and it seemed to work, because even Will trusts me again. But then this stupid accident happened and now everything is different again. But I can do this. I can get her to speak. I am a bad wife, but I am not a bad mother. Luke told me I am a great mother and I can do this, I know it. All I need is time. Please let me try this without a psychologist. If I can't get her to speak then I don't think some stranger can. Just… please, let me do this my way." Lorelai ranted and the doctors shared concerned looks throughout her rant. They knew that she was seconds away from breaking down, but she didn't let them help.
"It is your decision, we can't make you get a psychologist see Sara. We can give you the advice to do it, but we won't force you. If you think that you can help your daughter, then we believe you." An older doctor said soothingly to calm the upset woman in his office.
"Thank you." said Lorelai very quietly before she fled out of the office.

"Hey Luke, it's me again. Your annoying wife who comes her for several hours daily and bothers you with rants about stuff you don't know anything about." Lorelai said while she took Luke's hand and pressed small kisses on it and sat next to him on his bed. His appearance hadn't changed a lot since the first day he had been brought into the hospital, only some of the bandages weren't necessary anymore because the wounds had healed during those two weeks.
But he still couldn't breathe on his own, he was still hooked up to all those machines and the annoying beeping sounds in the background hadn't changed either.
"Today William got into another fight with Rory because he wanted to bring Laila to pre-school and wanted to make his breakfast by himself. He thinks he is a grown-up now and the man of the house because you are not there. But I told you this already. Every night he comes into our room and puts his arms around me, wants me to put my head on his chest, because he knows that this is the way we sleep. Me in your arms with my head on your chest. And while you are lying here, sleeping peacefully all day and night, I can't sleep for more than an hour, because then I wake up and look around, completely irritated and disorientated, before everything comes back to me and I understand that I am awake and not having a horrible nightmare.
They are all trying to help me and arrange stuff, but at the same time they all want decisions from me that I can not make without you! What do I know about working shifts in the diner or insurance for your cook? Nothing. Probably as much as you know about the stuff at the Inn. But you could deal if you were in my situation, I know it, you would do better than I am. Cause you are the fix it guy. You would handle the diner and the Inn, the kids, Rory's arguments with Will, and you could get Sara to speak. I know you could.
They want me to let a psychologist talk to her, but I am not ready for this. She is not ready for this. She is still shocked and apathetic and sad and not ready to talk with a complete stranger about what happened. She is four years old, how should she be able to process all this in this short time?
But the doctors say that it might help her and although I do not want a psychologist to talk to her I am afraid at the same time that I am wrong. What if I am wrong and he could help her? What if I am doing the wrong thing? I need your advice, Luke. I need you to tell me what to do. You said that you are all in, and I know that I should have never dragged you out to this stupid festival and none of this would have happened, but please give me a sign, anything, to tell me what I should do!" She begged him desperately. But she got no reaction, other than the constant beeping of the machines.

When she emerged from the room after two hours she felt drained, exhausted, and as empty as before. The visits always made her sad because this was not really her husband and every visit reminded her that he might never come back. Outside or at home it was easy to lie to herself and believe that he would wake up any day and everything would be like before, but when she saw him lying in this bed, with all the machines around him, she knew that it wasn't that easy.

She dragged herself to the coffeemaker in one corner of the hallway, before she slowly made her way to Sara's room on the other side of the hospital.
She could have taken the elevator, but the extreme hospital-smell in it always made her sick and she knew she would throw up if she had to use it again.
So she slowly descended the stairs, down to the kid's station.
"Hey Lorelai." A familiar voice suddenly startled her and she saw James sitting on a chair outside Sara's room.
"Hey." She greeted him and he stood up and gave her a hug, before he pulled her down in the chair next to him.
"I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier, but I was in Asia for business." He told her.
"It's okay" She just said.
"Andy is in the diner helping out and making a new plan for the next month." James told her then.
"I know. He called me yesterday and asked if it is okay if he covers the diner as long as Luke is..still… you know."
"How is he?"
"Still in the artificial coma they put him in. They said they might try to get him out by the end of the day, but it depends on how his kidneys are doing. He might need a transplant. But the results will be in later on today."
"This kid beat him up pretty bad, huh?"
"He… he… crashed right into them and Luke turned around to protect Sara with his body. The car hit him at the height of his hip and they both flew through the air and crashed on the street. I heard him scream. I never heard anyone scream like that. I think that's what dea… that's what pain sounds like. And now he is lying there and sleeps and they have to wash him and turn him, but I am allowed to shave him at least. I know that he hates it and is embarrassed about it and I keep waiting for him to wake up and tell the nurse that he has been able to shower himself and brush his teeth and eat by himself since he was two, but he doesn't. He just.. doesn't wake up." She sniffed without tears. She had no more tears left.
"He will wake up when they want him to wake up and then he will yell at the nurse to leave him alone and he will bug you to get him out of here as fast as possible. The moment will come for sure." James said and pulled her to him and lay his arm around her.
"I hope so. I need him. Sara is not speaking and they want a psychologist to look after her and I don't know what to do."
"Just trust your feeling. If you have the feeling that it would help her, then let the psychologist in, if your gut says 'no', then don't do it. I am sure Luke would do the same."
"He always decided everything with his gut feeling. He had a gut feeling about who he would be comfortable to date." Lorelai smiled sadly.
"I know. He told me he was comfortable around you after the first time he met you."
"I gave him a horoscope the first time we met to make him give me coffee and he held on to it. The old thing is still in his wallet. He believes that it brings him luck."
"It does. He got you and the kids. That's all he ever wanted."
"And now he is lying there because of me. I think it brought him bad luck, but that's all. I nearly killed him and my daughter."
"Don't say that. I am sure Luke would yell at you if he hears you talking such nonsense. This accident wasn't your fault and I am sure if the situation would come again and Luke would see a crazy drunk kid in a car driving towards his daughter he would react the same way over and over again without thinking about it for a second." James reassured her and gave her shoulder a squeeze.
"Mrs. Danes, there you are! We were looking for you. The results for your husband are back and they will try to wake him up in a few minutes. I should tell you that you should come up to the intensive care unit again." A nurse said suddenly and was gone as fast as she came.
"What are you waiting for?" James smiled and gave her shoulder another squeeze.
"Come with me?" She barely whispered, because she knew she wouldn't find the way alone at this moment.
"Sure." He said and led her to the stairs.

TBC