So, new chapter. I really hope you like that one, because it is an important chapter. Also there will be a little voting thing at the end, cause I need your opinion on a thing. But read the chapter first!
Chapter 31: If you feel the urge...
Another week later Liz, TJ and Gary were still in Stars Hollow and spent every waking minute at the Danes' house, driving the whole family crazy. Luke and Lorelai had agreed a long time ago, that Liz was really the only person who they both could tolerate longer than a second of this family. Even the kids were unnerved from Gary and tried to hide whenever he entered the house.
They spent at lot of time at Sookie's playing with Martha and Davey and Lorelai thanked god every day for her own personal escape that was called the "Dragonfly Inn." Luke, on the other hand, had no excuse to escape them for a while, except for his physical training everyday, but even then Liz insisted that they drove him there, so that Lorelai could work without interruption.
Lorelai was grateful for that, because this was usually the only time Luke and her had to spend a longer time alone together during the day. And usually they would fight or keep silent the whole ride and back. It also meant though, that they never had a moment to themselves and although Luke and her didn't have the best relationship at the moment, they started to miss each other, which was crazy, considering the fact that they lived in the same house, eating breakfast and dinner together and saw each other several times a day, only never alone. They were always surrounded by the kids or the crazy relatives.
So when they met alone for the first time after a week, it was another Sunday, the kids were with Richard and Emily in a zoo, Liz, TJ and Gary had joined them and Lorelai had to face her even crankier husband, since he was not only frustrated by his situation and the baby steps he took in his recovery, but also annoyed by Liz and her family. Lorelai thought about hiding at the hotel again, but then decided against it. She wanted to stay home and relax and if that meant that she had to face her husband, so it should be.
After the kids had left with their grandparents and their aunt and uncle, Lorelai had taken a long bath upstairs, soaking in the warm water for a long time. Afterwards she had taken her time using a facial mask, body peeling and other cosmetics for her hair. She had painted her nails and dried her hair and when she walked into her bedroom she felt great. She tried to push back the thought about Luke being alone downstairs and calmed herself with the knowledge that he was able to walk on the crutches now and that he could go wherever he wanted. And if he would really need something, he could call her.
Luke knew what she was doing. He was aware of the fact that she was hiding upstairs and avoided him, like she had done since he was back from the hospital. They had had some more minor arguments during the last week and Liz and TJ were not helping his nerves. He loved his sister and his nephew, but they were driving him crazy and TJ was just… Luke couldn't even describe how much he was annoying him. The bad thing was that TJ never meant any harm and he never meant to annoy him. He only wanted to help, but that only made it worse.
But Luke also knew that he had to do something. William's words about hitting and pills were still echoing in his head and during the last week. He had desperately waited for an opportunity to talk to her, but it never came. When he heard her leaving the bathroom, he hoped that she would come downstairs and join him in the living-room, but no such luck.
He debated internally for another half hour what to do, if he should call her, or wait some more, wait for another opportunity, but he knew that the longer he waited the bigger the distance between the two of them would get. He decided to do it the hard way and made his way upstairs with his crutches. He had to stop several times, because it was exhausting for him, but he succeeded and was relieved when he stood upstairs. He hadn't been there since he had come back from the hospital, he spent all of his time downstairs. He walked to the bedroom, opened the door and peeked inside. Lorelai was lying on his side of the bed, facing a way from him, reading a book. She didn't react when he walked inside and he thought she must be reading very concentrated.
When he neared the bed, though, she suddenly spoke up, without turning around.
"Everything alright? Do you need something?" she asked him and he heard in her voice that she had been crying, but she didn't want to show him.
"No, I just want to talk to you" he answered and sat down on the bed and scooted closer to her.
"Luke, I am tired. Another time, okay?" she said and moved away from him.
"Lorelai, please" he pleaded, took her arm and turned her around, so that she was lying on he back and had to face him. She closed her eyes though and tried to stop crying. Luke's heart broke at the sight of her. She looked so beautiful, but so heartbroken at the same time and she was too thin. Luke sighed and lay down on his back and pulled her towards him. She tried to get away, but he was strong enough to keep her pressed against his chest.
"Luke let me go" she pleaded, still trying to wiggle out of his hug.
"Hey, calm down, I am not going to rape you" he tried to joke, but she didn't laugh. It took a while until she relaxed in his arms and enjoyed the nearness.
"I am not here to fight with you" Luke said after a while and felt her stiffen again.
"You said you want to talk. Every time we talk, we fight" her muffled voice could be heard.
"I'm sorry" Luke told her honestly.
"Me, too, but that doesn't change a thing" she replied.
"But we need to talk. We can't put it off forever, because it's driving me crazy" Luke confessed.
"What is there to talk about? You are frustrated and in a bad mood, I can't help you and even if I could, you don't want my help. I'm at the inn, you are here, I sleep upstairs you sleep downstairs, we meet in the morning and in the evening. Nothing to talk about" she said and tried again to get away from him.
"There is so much we need to talk about, Lorelai and you know it. Actually there is something I really need to talk about with you." Luke said and held her even tighter.
"And that's because…?" she asked. Luke took something from the night-table behind him with his left arm and held it in front of her eyes.
"What's that?" he asked, although he knew what it was.
"Gimme that!" she said and took the package out of his hands.
"Lorelai, what is that?" he asked again.
"Pills" she replied and tossed them into the night-table on his side.
"You are still taking them?" he asked when she had lay back down.
"Of course I do, you can't just stop taking the pills and I wasn't sure when I would need them again" she shrugged and nearly jumped off the bed when Luke suddenly started yelling at her.
"God, do you think I am stupid? I know that these are not birth-control pills! I may have problems memorizing things, but I can still tell psychotropics and birth-control-pills apart. Why are you lying at me? Why?" he yelled and she sat up on the bed and hugged her knees to her chest.
"Stop yelling at me, just stop yelling" she mumbled and started to cry again. Luke took a deep breath to calm himself and then pulled her in his arms again.
"Shh, it's okay. I'm sorry. Lorelai, please, just talk to me" he whispered, held her in his arms and stroked over her hair to calm her.
"I am so ashamed" she mumbled then and tried her face on his shirt.
"There is no need to be ashamed about taking those pills. But we need to do something, so that you won't need them anymore" he assured her and kissed her forehead.
"I am not ashamed about those pills, well not only about them" she said and sat up, leaning against the head-board of the bed.
"What happened here, Lorelai? Will indicated some things and I don't know what to make of them" Luke said and took her hand in his. He needed a connection to her, so that she couldn't pull back and he couldn't lose it again.
"I failed Luke. I completely failed while you lay in coma. I couldn't take it and I couldn't handle it all. I let Kirk take charge of the diner at first, because I didn't know what to do and then James and Andy took over. I messed up the orders at the Inn and Michel had not only to do his job, but correct my mistakes as well. I forgot guests and meetings, I ordered the wrong towels and I forgot to confirm reservations, which made us lose some guest and a lot of money. But the worst.." her voice broke and she needed a moment to compose herself.
"The worst is that I messed up at home. I couldn't take care of the kids. I yelled at them and I even hit them. I hit our kids, Luke and not only once. I just lost it completely when only the tiniest thing went wrong. And one day Will set the toaster on fire and I really hit him. I slapped Laila as well, but I really spanked him and not only gave him a slap. He was crying and screaming, but I didn't stop. I don't even know anymore where I hit him and when he could get out of my grasp he took Laila and ran upstairs with her and locked them in the bathroom. Jo found me downstairs in god knows what position. He found the kids and brought them to my parents where they spend the next two days. You know, they were so great all the time, Will tried to take your role. He tried to be there for me and to look out for his sisters and I beat him up. Afterwards they were so scared of me, that they called my mother when they wanted something to drink and they tiptoed around the house, not making a noise. But I just.. I couldn't deal with them, or with any of it. You were lying in that bed and more and more time went by and you didn't wake up. I knew I couldn't do it alone, but I had no choice and the kids needed me, but I couldn't give them anything. I only felt empty and drained and I wished that you would wake up. But then again I was scared how you would be if you woke up. The doctors were talking about the possibility of brain damage more and more. I hoped that you were okay, but then again, what would you do if you would see me? I was the reason why you were lying in that bed and why Sara was not speaking anymore. Every time I visited you I wished that you would be happy about it and wake up, but you didn't and then I knew that you blamed me for this as much as I blame myself. My mother…" Luke had to interrupt her, because he needed to get this out, before she could go on.
"Lorelai, I told you this already and I will tell you again and again until you finally believe me: This accident was not your fault!"
"But I…" she disagreed and again he interrupted her.
"It wasn't your fault, it wasn't Sara's fault and it wasn't my fault. It was only the fault of this stupid drunken kid, who will get his punishment as soon as the trial starts. If you wouldn't have dragged me out there, I would have gone out myself, because I wanted to spend time with you and the kids. I knew that you would come in and bug me about it. I had only waited for you to come in. Stop blaming yourself for this. This accident could have happened anywhere at any time. We can't control things like that. Call it fate or bad-luck or whatever you want, but don't blame yourself. Sara is okay and I am okay. We will be fine and everything will be alright, okay?" he asked and tipped up her chin, so she had to look at him. He placed a kiss on the tip of her nose when she remained silent.
"Okay?" he asked again.
"Okay" she nodded hesitatingly.
"And now tell me about these pills" he encouraged her and pointed to the night-stand.
"My mother forced me talk to the psychologist at the hospital after the toaster-incident and she gave me those pills. They made me feel better, not as drained anymore. Most of the time I just felt nothing, I was completely numb, which was a nice change. I could deal with the kids again, be there for Sara and visit you without falling apart all the time."
"But I am here now, why do you still need these pills?" he asked her worried.
"I still can't face everything without those pills: the stress at the Inn, the kids needing me, seeing you and Sara struggle to get through your days and you yelling at me. And now Liz and TJ showed up and I'm taking the pills again because otherwise I already would have killed them and us" she confessed.
"I will tell them to leave tomorrow" Luke decided.
"No, Luke they are your family and I don't want you to send them away," she said.
"Lorelai, I know I am anything but easy at the moment and I can understand that you feel like this is all too much. But I don't want you to take these pills anymore. If you have to cry, then cry. If you want to yell back then do it and if you feel the urge to slap me then you're welcome, but don't repress your feelings with these pills. They are not good for you and you can get addicted to this crap. You are already a coffee junkie, I think another addiction would be fatal." he smiled, and kissed her forehead again.
"I don't know if I can deal with everything without the pills." She confessed.
"I am here and I feel better. I am not able to walk as fast as before and I know that I am driving you crazy because I have problems to remember some things, like where I put my keys, but don't shut me out. Let me back in and let me be there for you and the kids. The kids have adjusted to the new situation already and we can do that, too. We can get through this, together." He told her and she looked into his eyes.
"All the time while you were in coma I wished for you to wake up and just be there again. I told myself that I wouldn't care if you would be disabled, deaf, blind, whatever, just as long as we would be together again." She sniffed.
"We are. We are together again. You just have to let me in"
"I know. I'm sorry." She buried her head on his shoulder, wrapped her arms around his middle and enjoyed the feeling of his body wrapped around her.
"I never wanted to spank Will or Laila" she said then.
"I know. And they know that also. I think William is more worried about you than anything else." Luke assured her.
"You talked with him about me?"
"No, he talked with me about you" Luke smiled.
"He is so great. All those weeks he slept here in bed with me and even let me lay my head on his chest, because he was the man in the house and he felt obligated to care for me. We have such great kids, Luke" Lorelai said in awe.
"I know. Each one of them in their own special way, but I have to talk with Will when they come back, because he has to take the pigs out of my bedroom, they are driving me crazy. I honestly can't understand how he can sleep with all that noise they make at night. They eat, they drink, they run around and squeak the whole time. And that Will feels the urge to sleep with me to keep an eye on them isn't really helping, because he sleeps like his mother." Luke grinned.
"What does that mean?" Lorelai shrieked immediately.
"He tosses and turns, he kicks and babbles while he sleeps, just like you do."
"I'm do not! But he also snores and where does he have that from? Not me, that's all I can say!" she said.
"Of course you snore, ask Rory!" Luke shot back and she slapped his chest.
"Liar!" she laughed.
"Luke?" she asked then with a devilish glint in her eyes.
"Yeah?" he asked already knowing that this look could mean nothing good.
"Let TJ and Liz stay" she said then.
"Why?" he asked her surprised.
"Because, you can't be Santa this year and we need one, and what is better then to dress up TJ as Santa?" she giggled.
"The kids will know that there's no Santa as soon as he opens his mouth. On the other hand I like the idea, because I will never wear that stupid costume ever again. This smelly old red coat, with a dozen pillows underneath and the beard and the strange hat. I hate it!" he ranted.
"You really are the Grinch, my friend. Only in flannel and not in green." She laughed and gave him a peck, before she snuggled up to him again.
"The kids will be gone for some time" she mentioned then, and he only nodded.
"Luke?"
"Mmmh?" he made with closed eyes.
"I took a peach scented bath, washed my hair with coconut shampoo and painted my nails. I am smelling good, huh?" she teased him and wiggled her finger in front of his face. Luke opened his eyes, placed a kiss on her hand and smelled on her hair and her neck.
"You smell like fruit salad." He laughed when his comment brought him another slap, on the arm this time.
"You really take me up on this "If you feel like" thing, huh?" he asked, still laughing.
"Well, my subtle hints aren't working anymore!" she whined and pouted.
"Which subtle hints? And what are they saying? Slap me?" he grinned.
"No, you dork! The one's that are saying: Here lies your wife, smelling, great, with sexy painted nails and a skin so soft you just have to touch it .And what are you doing? Laughing about me!" she huffed.
"Aaah, those subtle hints" he grinned
"Okay, you really want me to spell it out for you: I have the urge to make love to you" she said then and blushed a bit, because of her own bluntness. Luke only grinned and then kissed her. The kiss wasn't soft or romantic; it was passionate and deep from the very first second on.
"It's been so long" Luke mumbled between kissed and his hands were busy opening the knot of her bathrobe.
"Too long" she mumbled back and moaned when she felt his hands on her skin and his lips on her neck.
TBC
Okay, here is where I need your opinion: There are two possibilities for the next chapter: A version which continues right there, meaning it is basically dirty, pointless fluff. Or another one where the plot goes on and leaves out the dirty stuff. Tell me which one you want to read