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Music Disclaimer: Lyrics used in this song are by Nick Lachey and no copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: John has been sentenced to two consecutive life terms in prison and away from the woman he loves. Trish is adapting to life without John, trying to stay strong for the sake of their newfound love. Can they survive the ultimate test to their relationship, one that neither of them expects or is prepared to fight?

Authors Notes: My prayers go out to the Benoit family. June 25, 2007.

In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still

I cannot believe I am about to do this. I must be losing my mind the further along this pregnancy goes. She thought before she jogged to the door and put her hand onto Jeff's shoulder softly.

"Don't leave."

He looked at her, his eyes questioning every movement she now made. Hadn't she only minutes before just ordered him out? Just what was going on inside of her head now? He didn't have to wait too long to find out.

"If you really want to talk about the past then I suppose I owe you that much. For a long time we had a good relationship. With all the pain it was hard to remember those moments."

He nodded, not sure if he could trust his voice to speak. She was right and he knew it. He had ruined their relationship with his drug dependency and there was no way he could go back and make all of that disappear. The only thing he could hope for now was that she could listen to him, see in him the changes that had come too late for them and then maybe they could start to heal.

Just not together. I cannot be the one that she comes too anymore. I threw that away and John now had it.

"You don't owe me a damn thing and you know it. If anything I owe this to you. I should have done this the minute I got clean but I didn't want to worry about a relapse. I didn't need it and neither did you."

She motioned for him to come back into the living room and join her on the sofa. When they were both comfortably seated, she turned to him.

"So how long have you been clean now Jeff?"

Without even batting an eyelash he answered. "One year. I know it's not a long time but for me its forever. It's one day at a time but I don't plan on going back."

She nodded, understanding just what he meant and glad that he had finally come to terms with his problem and was taking it on head first. She had never been addicted to anything in her lifetime, other then loneliness it seemed, but she knew what he meant when he said it was one day at a time. She really hoped that in his case it would be,

He interrupted her thoughts when he chose to speak again.

"Why didn't you tell me about the baby the minute you came home that night? Why did you have to go after the pills?"

That had been a question she had asked herself even though all the years had passed and one that an answer never came for. She had known she wanted to share the news with him but part of her wanted to make it special and when she saw him downing the pills right in front of her eyes, it seemed all rational thought went out the window. She should have protected the baby more and maybe she would have that child now. But she hadn't and there they sat.

"I wanted to save you. I always wanted to save you from yourself Jeff. I just wish that back then you would have let me."

His heart seemed to twist in his chest as she spoke and the reality sunk in. Of course that was what she had been trying to do all those years, she wanted to save him because unlike him, she had known how deeply she had loved him. Where as he had never been sure of anything, even love for her and himself at the time. He also wished it didn't have to end the way that it had, there was nothing worse then losing a child.

"What do you think we would have had if the baby had lived?" Jeff asked, his voice barely a whisper. He knew he might be pushing it but he was here and he was nothing if not a realist.

"I think it would have been a boy personally, but it's been a hard thing to think about. Even now it stings Jeff. So if you want to talk to me about something else that would be great."

He sat silent for a few moments, letting the magnitude of her statement take its desired affect and then began to speak again, knowing for the first time in his life exactly what he wanted to say.

"I wasn't the right person for you then Trish. I made a lot of mistakes, withdrew from everyone and everything that loved me at the time. I thought I was better then what I was and in the end if caused me to lose not only the only real love of my life, but my unborn child as well. I could have handled my life with you differently and for that I am always going to be sorry. For what it's worth, I did love you back then, it just wasn't more then the medication. I regret that I ever let you stay around when I knew deep inside I had an issue."

"Jeff what happened back then is in the past. I don't think you..." he cut her off then, causing her to look down to the floor and place her hands nervously into her lap. When he interrupted her at that moment the tone of his voice had been the same as the one all those years ago when they had fought. It was almost like reliving one of the worst moments in time.

"I do need too don't you see? I will never be able to move on with my life until I know I have made things right by you and by the baby we never had. I know this must hurt you, reliving what I did to you all those years, but Trish, its time for all of us to heal and forgive. Can you do that? Can you forgive me for what I did to us all those years ago?"

Can I really sit here and tell him that I am completely over what happened between us? She asked herself, hoping that the answer would just call out to her and make this whole situation easier.

"I can forgive you Jeff but I think I forgave you the day that it happened. What I can never give you is the vow that I will forget about it. Every time I look at you all i see is that night, the night the baby died and you hurt me more then ever before. I see the man you had become then and not the man you were destined to be. I'm sorry but I just can't go back and forget it all."

He stood from the sofa, content that he had come here and said everything that needed to be said. He caught the look on her face, the tears that were now welling up and threatening to fall. He wanted to reach out and wipe them away, tell her that she needn't cry for him any more, but he knew if he did that then it might just make things even worse and tense then they already were.

He walked slowly, methodically to the door again, this time content that he would walk out and never return. What he didn't expect was that she would be up on her feet as well and following him out, most likely to lock the door behind him. Something she had always done when they had been together here in the house.

He turned around, watching her now tear stained cheeks and he did the only thing that his heart would let him do. He bent down to her level then and he placed his lips onto hers softly. All sense of reality told him that it was wrong, that this was only to make things worse between them but he just couldn't stop himself any more. He loved this woman with all of his heart and he needed to know that somewhere deep inside she still felt the same about him.

Pregnancy and John be damned.