Chapter 12
A/N: spoilers in this chapter – post anime – into the novels and such. You have been warned!
I slowly stir as the light coming in burns my eyes behind closed eyelids, as I open my eyes I see several familiar figures around me. I blink a few times to clear my eyesight. I gasp in surprise.
"Bou san!?" I'm more surprised to see him than I am to question why he's here.
"Mai! You're awake!" He bends down and hugs me tightly, squashing my arms.
"Ow, ow, ow…" I wince and he lets me go quickly standing back beaming happily at me.
"Sorry Mai, I'm so happy to see you awake! And here!" I struggle to sit up and Bou san helps me up pulling my pillow up behind me.
"What's everyone doing here?" I ask almost in disbelief as I scan all the familiar faces.
"You were badly injured Mai." Lin tells me pouring me some water, I accept it from him and say,
"I didn't think I was that hurt… Naru!" I suddenly remember him. He must be in a worse situation than I am in at the moment. "How is he?" I ask anxiously.
"He's doing fine. I just went to check up on him." Lin informs me, taking back the empty glass from me. All of a sudden I feel so very shy and self-conscious… What do they think of me now? Have they found out about Kenji? I fiddle with the bed sheets and avoid eye contact with everyone. I turn my head to the right and in the next bed over I see Kenji sleeping peacefully.
"How has everyone been all these years?" I ask, unsure of wether I should be asking them that.
"Right now what matters is how you've been doing." Ayako tells me bluntly.
"Ayako!" Bou san chides her; I shake my head and look up.
"No, she's right. I owe you all an explanation. But right now I don't think I could give you a right explanation, or rather a proper explanation. I think if you can wait a few more days, I can give you a sufficient explanation. A proper explanation. That's what I mean." I'm so tired now… What's happening to me? I just talk for a few minutes and I feel like I've been awake for three days in a row. I lean back into the pillow, close my eyes and let out a deep sigh.
"I'm sorry everyone…" I mumble but force myself to finish, "I'm so tired now… I'll…"
"Go sleep Mai." I hear Bou san's comforting voice allowing me to fall asleep.
---
The following two days I spent in bed and Kenji is the first to be allowed out of bed by the doctors and nurses. Even he is a mystery to the medical staff. Though he is the youngest, he had sustained the most injury to himself age wise but had shown signs of a quick recovery almost the next day in hospital. When he woke up it was as if nothing had happened, they ran tests and checks but found him to be in perfect health.
Currently, he's sitting next to me on my bed holding my hand.
"Hey honey, how was your sleep?"
"It was good." He regards me with solemn eyes and asks me, "I shouldn't tell anyone what happened right?" I nod my head and reach up slowly to ruffle his hair.
"Don't tell any of the doctors or nurses OK?" He nods his head and crawls closer to me before snuggling into me. I kiss the top of his head and pull him in closer forming a safe enclosure around him.
"I wish they didn't have to put so many things into you mum…" He says as he plays with the IVF tubes.
"I wish too Kenji…" I sigh and lean my head against his. "It makes me feel worse than I really am…"
"You'll be fine mum." He kisses the back of my hand and holds onto it.
"I hope they let me out of bed soon…" I say to myself, a soft knocking comes from the door and I call out, "Come in, it's open." Bou san cautiously pokes his head in as he looks around.
"Bou san, it's nice to see you again. Is the motley crew with you?" Kenji tightens his hold on me and I can feel him pull my arm closer to himself. I sigh inwardly; I hope that Kenji won't think of every new person he meets from my past as an alien. Bou san shakes his head and comes in closing the door behind him quietly.
"I'm alone, Ayako and the rest are either resting or do their daily work."
"Hmm, that's good…" I say absent-mindedly, "Oh, take a seat! That was rude of me not to offer you a seat." I try to get up but Bou san waves me back down, I don't have much choice anyway. Kenji is still holding onto me.
"How are you feeling today Mai?"
"I'm good." I answer amiably, to be given a response from Kenji. "Ouch! Kenji stop griping my arm so tightly!" His grip lessens noticeably on my arm.
"He's a little over protective." I explain apologetically to Bou san, he laughs warmly and with much jest,
"I see, that was the reason why he was giving me killer looks when I came in."
"Kenji!" I reprimand him; he gives me a killer puppy look.
"But…" He whines sadly at me.
"No buts." I growl playfully at him.
"Haha, Mai I think I can see where he got that from."
"Got what?"
"His over-protectiveness." Bou san takes a sip from his disposable cup and sets it down next to him.
"You think I'm over-protective?" I ask him confusion all over my face; he shakes his head with obvious mirth.
"Not you. Naru. He may not seem to be it, but he's fiercely protective of everything that matters to him." I pale and fight to gain some composure.
"So you all know then…?"
"Nope. Just putting two and two together. Everyone sorta unofficially know but until you tell us we're just going to put that down as speculation."
"Oh…" I sigh; it's no use hiding it now, everyone knows; well they guessed but it's the right guess.
"You tell us when you're ready. For now we won't even mention it, not until you do. OK?"
"Thanks Bou san. You always had a way to make things right again for me…" A soft knock comes from the door and Bou san gets up to open the door for me.
"Hello Taniyama san, I see you're feeing better." The doctor comes in with his clipboard and stands next to my bed.
"Must be all the sleeping I did I suppose." I say trying for a weak joke, the doctor smiles at the effort and turns his attention to Kenji.
"So, Kenji kun you're keeping your mother acompanied?" He nods his head and burries himself closer to me.
"Sorry, he's a little shy at the moment."
"That's fine, I have some good news for you." He says cheerfully, flipping to a page in his clipboard.
"What is it?" I eagerly ask.
"You're well enough to leave your bed, but I recommend that a nurse be with you when ever you're out of bed. Other than that, you'll have to stay at the hospital for another day or two so we can make sure that nothing happens."
"Is that all doctor?" I ask, keeping my happiness in check.
"Yes, I'll send in a nurse for you later if you wish to leave the bed." He turns to leave but I call him back.
"Doctor?" I call out to him uncertainly.
"Yes?"
"Do you know how Shibuya san is?"
"No, I'm afraid that he's not under my care." He says sympathetically before closing the door behind him. I sigh and lean back into my pillow letting Kenji play with my hand.
"Do you want to see him?" Bou san asks me breaking the silence that had settled around us.
"See who?" I ask a little dazed from being so abruptly jolted from my stupor.
"Naru, would you like to see him?" Bou san repeats patiently.
"Oh… yes, I would but I don't think I can go now…"
"Why not? I can call for a nurse."
"It's not really that important anyway…" I say making up excuses not to see him.
"Someone is scared…" Bou san grins at me.
"I'm not!" I protest feebly, Kenji picks up his head and asks me quizzically,
"Scared of what mum?"
"Seeing Naru chan." Bou san explains to my son rather bluntly.
"What would she be…?" He starts off innocently before i cut him off shooting daggers at Bou san.
"Shhhh!!" I hiss at Bou san, "That's enough rubbish you're feeding my son!" Hot colour rises up to my cheeks as I try to suppress my embarrassment in front of my son. He grins back at me,
"So you want to see Naru?" I scowl at him,
"Yes." I bite out icily. If he wants to challenge me he'll get his challenge.
"Great! I'll call the nurse." He says cheerfully before leaving the room to call the nurse. He returns a short while later with a nurse and a wheel chair, the nurse smiles at Kenji and I before saying,
"It's good that you're going to get out a little." She unlocks the side of the bed to allow me to get out easily. Kenji jumps off the bed and waits patiently for me next to Bou san. I take a hold on the nurse's arm and slowly lift myself off the bed. For a moment the blood rushing in my head blinds me and I stay still for a while to wait for the spots to clear.
"Thanks." I say weakly to the nurse, helping me into the wheelchair. She untangles some IVF tubes, arranging them onto a portable hanger before pushing me towards the door.
"Do you know where you're going or would you like me to accompany you?" She asks us kindly.
"We know where to go, I'll take her there. We'll be fine, thanks for all the help." Bou san says taking over from her, she nods and smiles at us before leaving me under Bou san's care.
"I really do hope you know where you're going and you're not just lying." He gives me a fake wounded look.
"I'm hurt that you doubt me Mai." Kenji climbs up onto my lap and sits there.
"Lazy bum." I tease Kenji as Bou san starts to push us in the direction of the elevator. He pushes the button for the ICU and waits patiently as the elevator is called up.
"Was he hurt that badly?" I ask looking at the lights move up.
"Not any more. They've just kept him there just to make sure nothing bad happens." The elevator arrives and Bou san wheels us in pressing the close button. For the whole way there neither of us says anything, for some reason I can feel a building tension in my body and it keeps rising as we get closer and closer to the ward in which Naru is in.
When Bou san knocks on the door, Naru's calm voice floats over allowing us in. Bou san pushes the door open with one hand while wheeling us in with the other.
"Yo, Naru chan! You have some visitors today." He quickly puts down the papers he was reading.
"Mai? What are you doing out of bed? You should be resting!"
"The doctor let me out. He said I was OK to go about but I'll be staying at the hospital for a while longer. How've been doing?"
"I'm fine."
"I'm going to get a drink does anyone want anything?" Bou san announces loudly.
"I'll have some coffee please." I request turning around to look at him.
"Do you want anything Kenji? Naru?" Both shake their heads, the latter of the two asking me,
"I didn't know you like coffee Mai."
"Well it's a good pick me up for the mornings, I haven't had a cup of coffee since I was admitted." Bou san wheels me closer to Naru's bed before leaving to get the drinks. I wrap my arms around Kenji's mid-section and hold him down hugging him unconsciously.
"I have just realised that Bou san came up with a perfectly see through excuse to leave us together alone." Naru observes looking at Kenji then moving his eyes up to watch me.
"Not totally alone." I say, shifting Kenji up to stop him from slipping down but he is struggling to get out of my hold.
"What is it Kenji? Stop squirming!"
"Let go of me, I want to sit on the bed. There's more space there." I sigh and let him go watching him as he climbs up onto Naru's bed. Naru shifts some of his papers to the side and makes some space for Kenji as he takes up a portion of his bed.
"Sorry Naru."
"It's fine." He brushes my apology aside and turns to Kenji asking him, "So I'm forgiven?"
"Nope. I just wanted more space. It's too cramped were mum is."
"You are really blunt aren't you?" Naru asks him dryly.
"You're one to talk!" I say, disbelief colouring my voice and facial expression. I sigh and lean back into the wheelchair,
"He's a lot more like you than I'd like to ever admit. What are we going to tell everyone? I've just spoken to Bou san and it seems that everyone has guessed it already." Kenji steals a pillow from Naru and cuddles into it, I watch him silently as he quickly falls asleep.
"I knew he was going to do that." I shake my head and turn to Naru. "So what do you want to tell them?"
"The truth, what else is there to tell?"
"There's going to be a lot more than just telling the truth. What about Kenji?"
"Tell him about me?"
"My seven year old currently doesn't trust you nor does he like you very much, I also have a sneaking suspicion that he is fending off every body from getting my attention. For so long all we ever had was the two of us. I don't think he likes the idea that he'll have to share my attention with someone else."
"Well, we're going to have to do something about that." Naru says plainly.
"You can't just make a seven year old child just change over night. He's never had a dad before and he's never had the chance to be in such a big family. Whatever you're planning it better involve a lot of time and energy. And I mean a lot of energy. I don't know how I did it; how I managed to keep up with him all these years."
"I'll do it. I'll find a way to get his trust." He looks at me and asks me quite unexpectedly, "Do you trust me Mai?" I am taken a back for a moment before coughing out the answer.
"Y-yes, I suppose I do."
"'You suppose'? What does that mean?" Naru demands, a little too sharply. I wince – I don't think I missed that part of him that much.
"You did save me and Kenji from death, so I trust you there. But there are…" I pause for a moment to find the right word. However that word is being elusive so I settle for the second best. "There are… Grey areas… where I don't really know if I can trust you…" My reason isn't enough for Naru; I can see that much reflected in his eyes.
"You want to know the truth Naru?" I ask him looking him straight into his eyes.
"Yes." His short concise answer.
"I trust you with Kenji, I trust you with our lives but what I absolutely do not trust you with is my heart. Is that a good enough explanation?" I can see him become rigid as he puts on a poker face. I know I've hurt him, it isn't so hard to see that; but he's proud. Too proud. Stubbornly proud. I'm sorry Naru, but this is my decision. I turn away and close my eyes to block him out of my sight, to be presented with him in my mind's eye. I don't know which is worse, to see him with my real eyes or to have my mind constantly remind me of him. Maybe sometimes both alternatives are just the same.
"Thankyou Mai." Huh? I blink in surprise and I lift my head up to his. "At least now I know where I stand. In your life." There's a trace of bitterness in his voice as he made it out to sound like he didn't care, but I know other wise. When did he become so easy to read? The half-broken day dreams and fantasies of us that I made up in my mind is so ridiculous to me now. Because as we all know, real life always proves us wrong. Perhaps it was to be blamed on my infatuated sixteen year old mind but I should have known better.
Naru gently strokes Kenji's hair away from his face as he stares at him, for some reason I wished – almost longingly that he had been there when Kenji was just a little baby.
"You didn't give me a choice did you Mai?"
Words that he spoke with intensity comes back to me as I watch him with my- our son. Maybe I didn't but I couldn't think of anything else, at that moment in my life when I was pregnant I just couldn't think straight.
"You've grown up too fast, in such a short period of time too." Naru says to me without taking his eyes off Kenji sleeping soundly next to him.
"I had to." I was so scared, in those nine months – then when Kenji was born. All those papers… I shut my eyes tightly willing the panic to go away, even now when I think about those days I can get panic attacks. "I was so scared… Naru you wouldn't know how it felt, it is the singularly most scariest thing I had ever come across in my life – even up to this day. Nothing can match the fear I felt…" I whisper, opening my eyes wide just staring at the patterned floor. "Then I felt empty… for a long time… I don't know how long – I don't want to know how long, but for the longest time all I felt was fear and emptiness. And one day some thing snapped in me, I woke up from my 'zombie' state and I did my best… I still got those panic attacks and the emptiness did eat away at me at times, but I could bear it I could suppress it and keep on loving and caring for Kenji." I just told Naru everything that I had fought for so long to stay under wraps, maybe it's because I feel owe him something – or maybe I just want to get it off my chest, but whatever the reason or reasons I strangely don't feel any regret telling him that.
"Damnit Mai! Why did you – why did you just leave me?" He asks me vehemently trailing off hopelessly, I let out a short satirical laugh.
"Why did I leave you? I'm not the only one who has changed Naru. You've changed too…"
"I don't mean it the way you perceive the question Mai. Why did you leave me behind? Am I really such a bad person that you didn't trust?"
"Naru, a lot more was at stake then than there is now."
"What was at stake for you Mai?" He asks me straining himself a lot more than I thought he would.
"A family that I didn't deserve to have. In the end I lost them in the physical sense anyway. I just didn't want to lose their good judgment about me."
"Mai, our judgement about you has never changed. Why did you think it would have affected how we thought about you?"
"It's not just me Naru. I was thinking for you too. What would they say – back then that is, if they found out that you fathered a child while drunk?" I ask bluntly, the words though true cut deeply into me. "'The great narcissist Naru' gets drunk – not only that but he slept with an employee. On more occasions that I would like to admit I have found myself often wishing I could go back to my old sixteen year old self. I don't have anything to lose now, only Kenji – he is basically all I live for." I choke back tears bubbling to the surface, "Which if you think about it is actually far more precious than everything I've ever had."
"Would you ever trust me? With your heart?" I wipe away my tears, looking up at the ceiling to stem the flow of salty tears.
"That's a stupid question to ask Naru." I blot my eyes to keep them dry although I know they are already red and blotchy. I blow my nose and continue, "Because you already have it. It doesn't matter that I don't trust you simply because you've already have it. It's like getting on a roller coaster and just as the ride is starting you realise that you want out. But you can't because you're already on it and all you can do is ride it out." I look at him giving up on trying to keep my eyes dry, "But the thing with hearts is that – the end is never in sight, yet they are in a much more dangerous situation than you would be if you were on a roller coaster with all the safety harnesses and belts." I've shocked him into silence, I am too. I've told him all my heart's secrets without even a blink of an eye.
"That night – " I know where he's going with that opening and I cut him off before he says something that we'd both come to regret.
"Do you really think I would have let that happen to me if I wasn't willing to let it happen?"
"Did I – do anything that hurt you?"
"In the physical sense no, in the emotional and mental sense yes. I think I was stupid to allow that to happen to me, but that fault lies entirely with me. I had disillusioned myself and allowed that to happen, and I suppose it's a punishment of sorts; to have my own mind torture my body and soul until I did my penance."
"It shouldn't be. Part of the fault lies with me too." There's anger in his voice and a sense of self-loathing. For awhile I'd been down that path too, just hating my existence but it didn't last long; Kenji saved me from that.
"Please don't go down that road Naru; I did that and it's not very pleasant once you start. It's over now, can we try to move on?" We stay in mute agreement, well more so I than he but I think he's trying to move on. He's only had a few days to cope – I've had seven years.
"We'll tell everyone when we get out of hospital. We can't keep this from them any longer than necessary, there just isn't any point." He gazes at Kenji before musing out loud, "He really does look like me doesn't he?"
"When he was first born I thought God had taken a liking to spite me. But after awhile I just got used to it, he is still part of me. Even if he doesn't look too much like me. But his eyes… they are something all together… sometimes I think that I'm looking at you."
"It's not true you know." He says gently, "They are your's. Not mine. They could never be mine Mai, and I'll tell you why – they are far too gentle to be mine."
"You'll never guess how sharp he really is." I say quietly remembering all the times Kenji surprised me with his keen insight into everything. I push myself up from the wheelchair and sit on the edge of his bed to pat Kenji. Naru moves over further to give me some space and I squish in next to Kenji kissing his nose.
"Sardines." Naru grunts out as he squishes as far as possible to give me more space on the other side.
"Sorry?" I ask absentmindedly as I move up and lean my head on my arm to observe Kenji's profile.
"It's a game; sardines." Naru explains, pulling Kenji over to give me more space.
"How does it go?" I ask moving up trying not to pull off the IVF tubes attached to my hand.
"Everyone crams together and try to fit in the one bed."
"Oh?" I ask prompting him to keep going, I rest my head on an arm and watch Kenji as he sleeps.
"We – my brother and I, we used to do this at the orphanage. The beds were small but we had to sleep with each other; we were all each other had." I stay silent at the revelation Naru just told me. I never knew Naru was an orphan at one point in his life, nor did I know that he had a brother. I wrap my free arm around Kenji's waist and pull him in closer to me, hugging him the way I used to when he was younger.
"What happened?" I asked softly almost afraid to hear the answer.
"We were adopted by the Davis'." He says abruptly, I can hear a tone of finality and even a little surprise. I suppose he's surprised he shared that much of his past with me and does not wish to speak of it any further. He reaches over Kenji's curled up body and pulls hesitantly on my waist, hugging Kenji from his side and pulling me closer. I go rigid at his touch and he quickly lifts his hand from my waist.
"Sorry, it's fine. I'm just getting used to being touched by someone other than Kenji." I smile weakly at him as he holds my waist again. Slowly I relax and Naru protectively wraps his arm around the both of us. I close my eyes and cuddle in closer to Kenji leaning my head on his back.
"Kenji is turning seven in July. It would be nice if you could be there." I mummer softly and I feel his arms tighten around my waist.
"I will go." He says decisively.
"I'm sorry…" I sigh drifting off to sleep in the warm comfort of my son and Naru. "I should have never doubted you, there was a reason why I fell in love with you… You had a way to make everything right again." I sigh, falling into darkness – a kind of welcoming darkness that I haven't known for a long time.
A/N: hey everyone, this is the last chapter I'll be able to write in the holidays!! From Monday onwards I'll be in term 2! I'll still write and post when I can, thanks for all the kind reviews! They've helped me write better I hope Naru isn't too OOC here… hehe, sardines - sorry!! i had the attack of the fluff bunnies when i came up with that idea!! XD please leave a review too!