Chapter 14

I feel so empty. I had managed to feel as if I'm satisfied with all that I've got but only by erasing how it felt to be held and kissed by him. And for some reason when I think about how I've achieved this feeling of fullness I feel that I've cheated myself somehow. Cheated myself of how it feels to have him with me. But the emptiness is back and I'm not sure if I want to remember how it feels to have him kiss me in exchange for this empty feeling that's eating me inside out.

"Mai? Are you feeling OK?" John san hands me a cup of water looking at me worriedly, I gratefully accept the cup of water from him and take a sip of the cool liquid. My hands are still trembling as I can see small ripples disturb the surface of the water.

"I'm fine." I lie weakly, like badly watered down stock. Diluted, tepid and obviously not fine. What am I doing? I set the water down and lean back on the seat to get my composure.

Why am I on a plane to London? This is insanity! I don't want to be on a flight to London. The whole place suddenly seems to be too small and too stuffy.

"John san, I'm just going to the bathroom for awhile. Do you mind looking after Kenji for a bit?" I don't wait for his answer but rush to the nearest bathroom. I slam the door shut and lock it; my breathing is shallow and quick. If I don't calm down I won't be able to breath. That is what I'm thinking anyway, but I can't seem to. I stay in the bathroom for what seems like an eternity until a stewardess knocks on the bathroom door.

"Excuse me, but you'll have to return to your seat. The plane is about to take off." I splash my face with cold water before forcing myself to take in deep slow breaths. I open the door to find a surprised stewardess,

"Miss are you feeling alright? You look terribly pale…" I shake my head and say faintly,

"I'm sure I'm fine, just having flight jitters." She helps me to my seat and just before she leaves she smiles at me and tells me,

"If you feel sick don't hesitate to ask one of us for some motion sickness tablets." I don't think its motion sickness that's making me feel so faint but I play along with it anyway.

"Thank you." I buckle Kenji in before buckling my own seat belts.

"Mai are you sure you feel fine?"

"Yes. I'm fine John san!" I say this time with more assertiveness.

"Mum, where are we going again?" Kenji asks me turning his attention away from the window.

"We're going to London honey." I say glad that I can ignore the emptiness for a while at least.

"Where is that mum?"

"It's in England, it's in a different country." I answer as generally as possible.

"Oh… I don't know where that is…"

"I'll show it to you on a map when I see one, OK? For now keep seated and don't fidget too much." The plane starts moving and instead of being frightened as I thought Kenji would be, he loved it. It kept generating endless streams of questions from him; how we were moving, what moves it. It was almost never ending. It wasn't until we finished the take off that he had asked all his questions.

"Hmm… I don't know how it works Kenji, ask John san maybe he knows?"

I spend most of the trip in a fit full rest, never sleeping at anyone time for more than two hours. I vaguely remember having meals and washing up but for most of the flight I pass it in a hazy cloud, not sure where I am and not sure what I'm doing. Part of me wanted to scream at myself for being so irresponsible the other half just wanted to keep living in the haze cloud. In the end I couldn't come to a resolution so for the entire trip I was neither living in a complete daze nor taking full responsibility, John was kind enough to take care of Kenji for the full trip.

I don't know what possessed me to agree to this so quickly. Just thinking about all the implications of my actions can bring me to tears, what will the real life results give me?

I am gently shaken up from my-half consciousness.

"Mai, we've arrived." John san informs me gently. I unbuckle myself and gingerly get up from my seat; Kenji is already standing up waiting for me.

"Sorry honey, I'm a little tired… Did you sleep well?" I ruffle his hair and kiss the top of his head.

"It's OK mum, John san accompanied me when you were sleeping." Since business class was the first two to leave, the stewardess arrives to usher us out. I take hold of Kenji's hand as we walk off the plane; John san passes me my passport.

"I've filled in your declaration forms for you so you'll be alright." I smile a grateful thanks to him. If I didn't have him I don't think I'd know what to do…

I don't understand a word as the immigration official asks John san

"Business or pleasure?"

"A little of both." John san answers.

"Visiting family?" The immigration official asks light-heartedly while stamping our passports.

"Yeah."

"Have a good trip." He returns our passports and allows us through, John san quickly collects his luggage circulating on the conveyer belt before leading us out to the arrivals lounge. He quickly spots someone in the crowd but I have no idea who he has found, we follow him as he quickly navigates through the throngs of people waiting for loved ones.

"Luella! How have you been?" John san greets a middle-aged woman who dressed exceptionally elegantly, not expensively but elegantly and just by looking at her I can tell that she is the very woman who brought up Naru. John san kisses her cheek affectionately in a greeting before discreetly pulling Kenji and I forward.

"I'm good! Nice to see you again John! And who do you have here?" She asks him warmly looking at Kenji and I.

"This is Taniyama Mai and her son Kenji." To my surprise John san introduces us in Japanese and the lady greets us warmly,

"It's nice to meet you Taniyama san, and your son? How old is he?"

"He's turning seven this year, thank you for putting us up." I say feeling very out of place.

"It's no matter!" She says smiling with so much warmth I can feel it seeping into my very bones.

"You didn't have to come and pick us up, and it's such a dreary day out too." John san says to her humbly.

"I want to. Come on this way out." She falls in step with me and starts some small talk with me.

"I take that Naru didn't allow you anytime to get anything?" I shake my head,

"He deemed it to be too dangerous. From the moment we arrived back from the hospital he has been keeping an eye on me or getting someone to do it. He hasn't really stopped looking out for me since John san is here."

"I know, he can get a little overbearing… I applaud you for being able to put up with it for so long." She lets out a soft chuckle.

"Mrs. Davis if I may ask, when did you learn to speak Japanese?"

"Oh that was a long time ago, when I had the boys to look after." A distant look clouds her eyes but just as it had come it went just as fast. "That's a long time ago now, right now we should find you and Kenji something to wear. I expect you'd be jet-lagged." The warm air brushes against my skin as we exit from the cool comfort of the airport. John san is already there fitting his luggage into the boot of a black car, he slams the back shut before opening the passenger door for Mrs. Davis and I.

"Thank you John, but my driver could have done that for me." Mrs. Davis carefully gets into the car moving to the furthest end to make some space for Kenji and I.

"It's fine, I didn't want to bother him as I'm already out here." John san replies to her cheerfully before closing the door after I had gotten in with Kenji. As we pass buildings bathed in light I get a strange sensation that I'm not really where I am. Like my physical body is here but my mental self isn't, I stifle a yawn before it can make its way out.

"You must be very tired. When we get back you and Kenji can have a nice long sleep." I shake my head suppressing another yawn.

"I'm fine. But I think he needs the sleep more than I do." I say pointing to a sleepy Kenji.

"Beautiful isn't he?" She mummers, looking at him wistfully.

"I suppose he is…" I say carefully turning my attention to Kenji, he leans his head on my lap and I carefully brush his hair away from his eyes.

"I have to show you something when we get back. That is if you don't mind." She says ruefully.

"Oh no, I'll be fine." She seems to be satisfied with my answer and sits back, the car pulls up into a long drive way leading up to a stately manor with gardens reaching as far as I could see. I hold in a gasp of amazement asking instead,

"Is this where Naru grew up?" I ask, my eyes feel like they're going to pop out of my eye sockets as more grand gardens pass us.

"For most of it yes. Why do you ask?"

"It's incredible! Amazing! It is so beautiful…"

"I'm glad someone finds the gardens beautiful, especially since I've put in so much hard work into it."

"You did all this yourself?" I ask disbelievingly admiring the gardens in awe.

"I do as much as I can but I have a few gardeners to help me out. But I suppose they're more like friends to me now. Since I spend so much time in the gardens with them." The car coasts to a gentle stop in front of a grand mansion with stairs leading to the top veranda where the front door was. The driver gets out first and opens the door for Mrs. Davis. I pick Kenji up gently and let his head rest on my shoulder before climbing out of the car in an awkward position so that I wouldn't wake Kenji.

"Wow…" I breathe out in amazement as I look up to the massive mansion that just lay before me.

"Oh don't be so awed, it makes me feel so terribly self-conscious." Mrs. Davis says bashfully leading the way up the stairs.

"I take that you'll want to go to your room to rest for a little while? Kenji looks like he needs it." She says letting out warm chuckle.

"Yes, that'll be good." I say hefting him up higher as he was slowly slipping, she unlocks the front doors with her keys and opens one side of the double doors.

"My husband is not home at the moment as he's at work but please do make yourself comfortable." The foyer is so huge that even the ceiling didn't end in a few metres but probably stretched up for about ten, there wasn't any ornamental lights or furniture in sight. Everything had its purpose in being there. The light lighting the whole foyer was bright enough but it was only encased in a simple light fitting. Somehow, the whole foyer seems to be more opened up with the lighting and furniture.

"I'll show you to your room and let you rest, but if you wish to find me just come down to the living room, I'll most likely be there or if I'm not you can ask one of the house maids. They always seem to know where I am." She said adding the last part in a conspiratorial whisper, making me laugh. She seems to have a way in making me feel at ease and I already like her.

"I hope you don't mind but since all but one of the guest rooms haven't been aired or cleaned out that well for a long while the only other room that's fit for human habitation is Naru's room. I hope you don't mind." She turns right on the second level of stairs before leading us to a door. "John san stayed over here previously so that's why we had that guest room clean. Apart from that every other room has no bed sheets laid out or cleaned… and since you came here on such a short notice the maids couldn't clean a room up on time." She adds apologetically.

"No, no, that's fine Mrs. Davis! I should be apologising to you for coming her on such a short notice!" She opens the door for me just quickly showing me where everything was before heading out with John san to show him his room.

I gently set Kenji down on the large bed enough for four people before moving around the room. I push back the curtains to see what lies beyond them and I find myself looking out into a beautiful garden.

Is this what Naru woke up to everyday? It is so beautiful, flowers dotted everywhere and it seems as though the have no set area in which they grew, but the beauty lay in the fact that they were organised. Organised chaos. How ironic, I nearly find myself laughing at that. My heart is in that exact state. I sigh and let the curtains fall back. Maybe it's a good thing there's organised chaos in my heart, then at least I'll have some comfort in knowing not everything is just random.

A/N: Sorry everyone! I know this is a very short chapter but I'm just stuck with writer's block at the moment and I just need to write the next chapter to get those stuck brain fluids to get moving again! Maybe if I concentrate on the case I'll be able to get something done… so I'll be most likely cutting back to Naru and Co to get this case really going. Thanks for all your reviews!! I'm a very very happy writer :D cookies to all!!