Chapter 5

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jordan had been sitting for ten minutes on the overstuffed sofa in the office of Howard Stiles, psychiatrist to the morgue staff. She was trying to portray a look of nonchalance, but didn't think she was pulling it off very well. There was too much going on in her head for that, and she wondered why it even mattered. She'd seen Howard off and on during her years at the morgue and she'd grown to like his patient noninvasive manner. Still, it wouldn't hurt if he actually came out and asked what he wanted to know. She wondered if she just sat there and not said a thing during the entire session, he would actually let it happen. She had a feeling he would. He was that patient, or stubborn.

As if reading her mind, he blurted, "So, how is your love life these days?"

Great, she sighed. "I figured you'd lead off with asking how I almost froze to death."

"In a manner of speaking," he replied. "There really is nothing like the threat of possible death that brings some people closer together."

She smiled. "So you've heard about Nigel and Kate."

"But I'm asking about you, Jordan. How are you?"

"I. . ." she sighed once again. "Not good. I'm really kind of lost." When Howard didn't respond, she continued. "The short story is, Woody proposed to me, but I freaked out I mean what did he expect, I was still thawing out from this whole ordeal and he springs that?!?!? Then he freaked out like I'm the one with the problem! I don't have a problem, I just needed some time . . .I mean what about a date first?" She got up and started pacing the cozy confines of his office.

"Then I heard Garret tried to kill himself and I freaked out again. I wound up getting about two hours sleep in a cramped chair by his bed." She stifled a yawn mostly to try not to start crying again. "His hands were restrained. I didn't dare leave him, but I had to get to work and then here. I'd have overslept if the nurse didn't come in and catch me napping. It was bad enough I was there during non visiting hours, but I was on his bed." Howard raised his eyebrows but said nothing. "When she started lecturing me on endangering the patient, I lost it on her about not being around when he decided to take a walk in the first place, even though she wasn't even the one responsible! I just-" She looked at Howard and shrugged, at a loss for words. She flopped back into the sofa hoping it would swallow her up.

"It's not unreasonable to need time after what you've been through, Jordan. And it sounds like Woody needs some time as well. I'd like it if he came in to speak with me, but he hasn't set anything up." This time, he shrugged. "So how do you feel about Garret?"

"I. . .well. . .I don't want him to die, that's for sure. And if there's someone who needs to 'set something up' with you, it's him-"

"You were sleeping with him." It wasn't a question.

She felt her face redden. "After that night in the chair. I had just finished yelling at him and the idea of stretching my legs. It was only supposed to be for a minute or two."

"How did you feel?" His head was cocked to one side, eyebrows raised.

She laughed, but it sounded forced. "You're beginning to sound like the media that's been hounding us since we've been back. I tell you, if I get one more camera in my face-"

"But how did you feel with Garret?"

"How did I feel? I was tired. I just slept in that awful chair." Howard still had that inquisitive expression that meant he wanted more of an answer. She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed again.

"Okay," he said. "What's the first word that comes up when I ask you that? Don't even think about it. Just say it."

"-Safe." She looked at Howard and slowly nodded. "Safe."

Howard Stiles sat back and smiled.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was early evening and Garret awoke not to Jordan but to Howard Stiles sitting in the chair next to his bed. Not that he was surprised in the least. His right hand was again restrained. He wiggled his fingers. "You're the shrink, can you get them to take these off?"

Howard kind of smiled. "Straight to the point, as usual. Will you be so forthcoming if I were to ask you why you're in those in first place?"

"You can just read the report."

"I have. Funny thing about that, it doesn't say why. I was hoping you would enlighten me." He crossed one leg over the other and sat back waiting.

"Why are you here so late, I thought you had banker's hours?" He looked at the clock reading 7:16pm.

"For you, Garret, I'm willing to make an exception. And you're practically on my way home."

Garret doubted that, but knew Howard wouldn't leave or get the restraints removed unless he started talking. "First Jordan, now you. Okay, I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I just kept thinking about all my past screw-ups. I was tired. I was hurting. I'd had enough."

Howard seemed to digest that for a moment. "What screw-ups?"

Garret stared hard at him. "What have I not screwed up? Maggie, Abby, Renee Walcott, the whole Slocum thing, that was a double screw-up right there. First he finds the evidence that costs me my job, and then he gives it back, the evidence and my job. And I won't even go into all of the missed opportunities."

"Do you not like your job, Garret?"

He never realized how much he used his hands until they were tied down. He wanted to rub his face; the new beard growth was itching. "I. . .I don't know. . .I do. I don't. This whole doctor thing was my parent's idea. I wanted to be a writer."

"Yet you went back. Why was that?"

"They needed me. I was familiar with the case. They hated Slocum."

"Do you regret it?"

"I. . .no. . .Not really . . .sometimes." He shook his head and sighed. "The thing is, the whole time I was away from the morgue, I had every intention to start that novel, but I never did." He shot Howard a glance. "And I don't know why. Maybe I thought I'd screw that up too, I don't know."

"People change, Garret. Why there was a time when I wanted to be a stuntman. I'm not making that up."

"What were you, five years old?"

"Maybe twelve," he conceded. "My point is you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You've been through a lot. And now is not the time to be dwelling on the past." Howard stretched his legs and took a look around the room, noticing the cards, flowers and gifts. "It looks like you've had quite a few visitors."

"From the morgue mostly. I slept through most of them, though."

"Do you still feel suicidal?"

"Now look who's straight to the point."

"Are you?"

Garret stared at the ceiling. "No, not anymore."

"Why is that?"

"I thought you'd be happy that I want to live."

"But something changed your mind."

"I don't know . . .a new day . . .better painkillers . . .some time to sleep on it."

"What about Jordan?"

"What about her?"

"The hospital staff said she was here last night. She was very insistent about seeing you."

"Sounds like Jordan being Jordan, what about it?"

"Did she have anything to do with your change of heart?"

He looked out of the window. "Maybe. She certainly had plenty to say."

"She should. She cares about you."

"I know," he sighed.

"And does she know how much you care about her?"

Garrets head whipped around to face Howard Stiles, but he was sitting calmly, his face unreadable. "Of course she knows. She's a valued member of our team. The day we were rescued I told her how glad I was when she came back from L.A. I wanted to-"

Just then a nurse walked in and began to check the various wires and tubes hooked up to him. She smiled at him and said, "How are we tonight Dr. Macy?"

"I'd be better if I had my hands back."

The nurse whose nametag read 'Daphne' looked skeptical until Howard stood up and introduced himself.

"I believe that Garret here won't try anything foolish. But if you're still concerned, you can always post someone outside of his door."

Daphne mulled it over for a bit, then nodded. "I'll have to clear it first. Now if you don't mind Dr. Stiles, Garret here needs his rest. You may come back again in the morning if you'd like."

Howard thanked her and left the room. It was another half hour before his hands were freed, and Amanda was reading by his bedside, his guard for the night. Even though sleep was pulling at him something occurred to him. "Did you call her?"

Amanda looked up from her book, brow furrowed. "Call?"

"Jordan, you called her last night after-"

She looked sheepish, but kept her gaze steady. "It seemed like the thing to do. Everyone involved in the incident was evaluated here. It took a little digging, but I found her number."

"You really had no business doing that."

"I know, I'm sorry but-"

He cut her off. "And I want to thank you."

Amanda smiled and went back to her reading and moments later Garret was asleep.